pregnant and so lonely - despite having a Partner (Long I am afraid)

[Justmeandthebump]

I was going to post in the relationship forum but as it is so intertwined to pregnancy I thought I might get more useful advice here.

I am in my 3rd stage of pregnancy. I find that I am going to bed most nights crying. I was lying there last night trying to understand why and I think it is because I feel so lonely. I lay there on my side with baby kicking about and felt like it was just him and me and he was comforting me. Which made me cry more.

I think the problem arises from my partner working and me not working. With him working and me not the dynamic is completely different. If I dare complain about the smallest thing the answer will be that he works hard all week. If I ask him to do anything at the weekend his response is that he works all week and he has two days off so he will do what he likes.

I go to bed every night early (around 8 sometimes) as I am really struggling with heartburn, exhaustion, depression and general pregnancy related horribleness. He comes to bed every night when he wants - as late as 11 or 12. But he works so he can do what he likes.

When he is home all he does is sit on his computer/phone, chat to 'friends' on web forums to do with his hobby, watch DVDs to do with his hobby or play computer games - but he works so he can do what he likes.

At the weekend we live completely separate lives - in the same house. He will never sit and watch anything with me. We generally can't eat together because we eat separate things (pregnancy sickness). We don't do anything together and I can't complain about him being on his computer etc because it is his day off and he works hard all week.

I think he thinks staying at home all the time is so much fun. But it isn't - it is crap daytime TV and feeling lonely, washing up, being on your own, feeling too sick to eat, drinking tea and just waiting - like a dog - for your partner to come home. When he gets home I get a hug, a little chat, and then the same old separateness till I go to bed. He gets to go to work and have friends there and have an escape from home and a social life.

I, on the other hand, have no one at all here because we are in a new town. The money he earns he is incredibly selfish with and it goes on him.

He basically gets to do what he wants, gets drunk, smokes, watches what he wants, plays what he wants, comes to bed when he wants, does whatever he wants and doesn't have to do anything I want while I have to take it all and just not say anything because he works and I don't. He used to care so much about what I thought about certain things (him smoking or his appearance for eg) now he doesn't care what my opinion is and his way goes.

I don't know what to do anymore because we are about to have a baby. Last night I made the decision to just accept that we are going to live separate lives because that is kinder on my heart than constantly being rejected by him and waiting for intimacy that doesn't come.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if it was just me and baby on our own. Does anyone have any similar feelings? Can anyone advise?

doula.org.uk/

doula.org.uk/

oh dear - dont waddle around worrying about me - i feel bad x

definitely couldnt afford a Doula i am afraid.

LOL, the waddling is kind of a given! Please do talk to your parents. You are about to give them a grandchild. That will be a great pleasure for them. It's not a failure to ask for help. You don't have to do this on your own. You can always resolve to pay it forward later, as the Americans say.

well for now im going to have a long long talk with him when he gets home and see what his reaction is.
thanks all. you have no idea how much you have helped already.

About the NCT classes costing a lot of money, they take your income into account. We paid £30 instead of £170 orwhatever it was.

I accidentally gave birth in my own - it was really fine.

Oh my gosh! Your parents are paying all the bills, you're pregnant and he withdraws all the money from the joint account.

Get out, and get out now! He is a looser, do you want to bring a baby into all this?

Op, it sounds as if the only reason your staying with your nobhead partner is because you don't want to give birth alone, sweetheart you're not going to be on your own you will have at least 2 midwives in the room and if you do find yourself going in by yourself they will be there for hand squeezing and tear mopping too love, they're not just there to whip the baby out and off you go!! There's a great deal of patient care involved in their work. Maybe your mum cant be in the room with you for her own reasons but im willing to bet she will be waiting outside the door!
In my opinion I think instead of talking to him you should just pack all your things. Go back to your mums, even if its just till you get set up somewhere else. Somewhere safe.
Think of it this way honey, what advice would you give to your daughter? Sometimes the best advice is your own advice!
I do hope you make the right decision for the sake of yourself and your bubba xxxxxxx

justme

While NCT courses cost money - as a charity they also usually do a lot of branch run drop ins or activities that are free or very low cost. Sure start centres will also usually do free bumps and babies type groups where you can meet other new parents and some even do things like yoga.

Also Northwest here - if you're near Merseyside I might be able to find you links or contact details for NCT types. Feel free to PM if that might help :)

Thanks everyone for your very kind advice.

For those asking where I am - Geography was never my strong point. I meant I am 'up North' and when I said 'West' - I meant West Yorkshire. In other words I am in Leeds.

I had a long talk with him last night and basically said everything I needed to and he knew it was coming I think as he didn't walk out as he usually would have and he seemed genuinely upset and worried. I don't know if he didn't realise how he has been towards me but was upset that I was upset. He said perhaps he had got 'complacent'. I am not entirely happy about the situation but I do think things would be very different if I had more than just him to focus on - like a friendship group etc. I told him he had to appreciate how lonely I was and isolated and that I didn't have that luxury of going to work and chatting to people like he does. I think he took it on board but only time will tell. I feel a little lighter today and better for having got it off my chest.

I wouldnt have had the strength to talk about it with him so confidently if it wasnt for your comments so thank you very much.

Has he done anything about the money situation though OP?

Definitely look into sure start centres and NCT bumps and babies groups. They are very low cost. Around £2 to cover cost of coffee, biscuit and the venue. You'll feel better meeting other mums in your area. Don't worry about not having the baby yet. Most groups welcome expentant mothers too.

OP I'm in leeds too and the sure start antenatal groups are mostly free, your midwife will have a list of them and phone numbers that you can call, out of curiosity what part of leeds are you in? X

Have PM'd you Tinky.
He hasnt done anything about the money situation except listened to my point of view. I think he realises how unfair he has been - but I am not sure. It's up to me to make a change there so I have done already with the bank. We will see what happens when he next gets paid. I also had a chat to my mum and she has made sure I have some private funds. When my MA comes through it'll go into my own account. I will have a look for groups today.

Well done, that sounds like a good start! Mind you now what you need from him is action as well as words.

Firstly, the money. You have said your DPs are covering the rent and bills etc. Are they paying these directly or do they give you a lump sum each month? Whatever the arrangement, you need to work out a way to get some day to day spending money. Secondly, if you are sticking with DP, the two of you need to do a budget that includes his earnings, any money your DPs are giving you and your Maternity Allowance when it comes through (I don't know how MA works by the way -- does it start coming before the baby arrives?) If you can sort the money side now I think you will feel a lot better.

Thirdly if the two of you are going to be parents together you really really need to get him to some sort of preparation class. Even my relatively clued up DH learnt so much from the one we went to. One thing that struck me is that because we have been together for about 15 years and our imminent baby is the result of 6 years of fertility treatment and general medical angst, in some ways we are lucky because we have had ages to get who does what in our relationship sorted, to go through stressful experiences together and to mull over what the impact of a baby will be (and I'm sure we will still get some stress and surprises).

There is just so much practical stuff that men do not think about unless prompted. It's good that you're in Leeds because there are bound to be Sure Start and children's centres there. Also as others have pointed out, being a charity, the NCT does offer free meet ups and will reduce their fees in cases of need. It might also be worth checking out what services the universities offer to parents too - I know you're not a student but groups aren't necessarily closed to outsiders. Also, if you have any vague connection to any religion or ethnicity you'll find services run by churches etc as Leeds has people from everywhere.

OP, if you don't mind me saying, you sound like a person who is normally very self-reliant and would prefer to manage without help, but I think in this case you're going to have to accept any help offered. Like I said before, just resolve to pay it back in future.

Also you have indeed picked a great place with lots of opportunities - I did my degree at Leeds and worked there for several years. I'm in London now but always feel a bit nostalgic when I go back! I don't have lots of contacts any more but do have a friend who is a consultant at one of the hospitals so if you have queries about the mat. services I may be able to find stuff out. She says that the most useful course she did was an NCT post-natal course as it was very practical and problem-solving in its approach.

You also mentioned not knowing what to do in town to fill your days so here are some suggestions.

• the central library is just beautiful and has a ton of information and the museum and art gallery are right next door (both free)
• the Parkinson Library at the university (the building with the big white tower) is a mini verion of the (old) British library and a very calming space to visit
• get the bus down to West Yorkshire Playhouse and sit in the foyer for a morning. The actors use the same cafe - you might spot someone famous!
• the Royal Armouries is free to visit and if your pelvis is up to it, there are some enjoyable short walks along the river there

Glad you've got some money sorted Justmeandthebump. Not sure whereabouts in Leeds you are but I am also in Leeds. I am pregnant with DC3 and know a fair bit about the different groups and activities (lots of free ones!) in Leeds - depending on whereabouts in Leeds you are of course. If you need any advice about groups I'd be happy to suggest some.

Gosh that was long, sorry, you have made me nostalgic!!

wowee - that was long! Thank you PhineyJ - I know of the places you talk about - it's just hard to leave the house recently being so large and uncomfortable and sick - I feel like pregnancy has drained my confidence slightly. I can't strut down the street like I used to - I waddle down it feeling pretty sh#tty. I don't drive so it's a chore to get to places, with SPD too and the freezing weather - I suppose it's easier to stay in. I don't really recognise what I have become. But I know I need to change.

You are right in that you say I am self reliant. I hate asking anyone for help and really would rather not. If I was working I would be earning double/ if not three times his wage - I was very much the Alpha dog when we got together and the roles have reversed entirely. I know he felt very lucky when he got together with me - I was quite a catch in his eyes. Now I am a large whale like jobless moaning drip. And he's Mr career Cassanova (in his eyes I am guessing).

All the rent and bills are paid directly by Mum at the moment. You send off a form for your MA and then they will start paying it as soon as (up to 15 weeks before baby I think) so I am just waiting for them to process it.

I really doubt he will go to any prep class. But I will look today and see what is out there and see what our possibilities are.

I do know what you mean as I love swimming but cannot do so as when I put my blue spotty cossie on (what was I thinking what was wrong with black?!) I feel the teenage lifeguards are staring at me as I block out the light and then displace half the water...

I will just say that Leeds has a very good bus network and being the North mad friendly old ladies will chat to you on the bus.

I am wondering if your DP wouldn't go to a class, how he's going to be with the crying, vomiting and screaming, but hey ho.

At least you felt alpha previously -- I'm sure in our house DH and I rank some way below the cat!! Who is going to throw the most massive sulk when DC finally arrives.

All the places Phineyj suggested are great. I've PMd you with some more ideas for where you are.

I know what you mean about it being easier to stay in. I think sometimes it's about taking a deep breath and just deciding to go out - harder when you've lost your confidence (which you sound like you have) I know, but I think the thought of it is often worse than actually doing it.

Oh and the other thing I was going to suggest is netmums. I don't use their forums but I think their local 'what's on' pages are great and they list groups/things to do etc that happen on a weekly basis as well as events listed by month. Also fab for buying and selling baby/children stuff locally. This is the link to the Leeds local site.

Yes - a friend recommended Netmums to me too so I might give it a go. I have lost my confidence completely and my sense of identity since getting to the later stages of pregnancy and I only venture out with partner next to me or to the docs and midwife. Generally don't go out anymore. It does feel like stepping off a very high diving board stepping out of the house alone. Think being isolated from all my friends has been a much bigger deal than I once thought. If they were here now they would go for a coffee with me or just come over for a chat etc. I feel like I have missed out on all the fun aspects of pregnancy that my friends get. They all got baby showers - and I won't have one of those. Know that sounds awfully American and trivial but it does make me cry.
Thanks for all your help. Can't say thank you enough.