Fantastic 40+ Mums To Be

[10000fireflies]

A lovely shiney new thread for us to keep chatting on.

Hp I found it really hard being torn between two children. Some mums and kids seem to find it so easy, but I felt so guilty for not being everything to both of them. It is an impossibility, so do not try. A bit of time crying will not hurt the baby, a bit of time waiting and not being centre of attention will not hurt the elder child. I am hoping it will be easier when this one arrives as the elder two have each other. Breastfeeding was the hardest thing, as it involves the mum all the time obviously!

I used to make sure that if I was not feeding DD2 then she was in her bouncer, or on her mat. But not on me. It was then that I cuddled DD1. Thankfully DD2 soon got used to it, and I would sneak cuddles when DD1 was asleep. Night feeds were our special time. Sometimes I think I almost neglected DD2 whilst trying to placate DD1, and wondered if I tried too hard, as DD1 was still very jealous.

You are doing a fabulous job! If you want to try a sling then there is no harm. I did not do so as knew I would be back to work when she was 5 months old, so figured it would be cruel of me to get her used to being with me all the time, then wrenched away. She is a wonderful little girl and very affectionate, so I do not think she missed out. I think this one will be just happy to sit in his chair and be entertained by his sisters as I was as a baby.

And don't feel guilty for imposing a sister on him. They will be the closest of family in years to come. Although they will fight and deny it, they would willingly die for each other, because that is what being a brother and sister is all about (hopefully ) I adore my brother, and he is four years older than me (my other brother is a twat, but I still love him and would do anything for him)

Thanks for all your good wishes - I am pretty happy with the 1:510 result; I was just a bit taken aback by one of the blood results that was waaay high, givinga 1:190 without the nasal bone factor but, as the screening midwife said, it's an overall result and I should calm down! Somewhere, I think we're pretty much neck-and-neck (11+5) and my ms seems to be easing a bit - and it's definitely better if I've (ahem) Been To The Loo Properly... Which is, in itself, an achievement, aided by figs, at the moment (and it's only going to get worse, frm memory).

Hey Mrs Wooster I'm 10+2 today. Ms a bit better.
Glad your MS is calming down. A good ---- is fantastic I agree but where i'm at it's no panacea. Feeling for you with your constipation - it's no joke.

Can I ask, so what date were you when they did the NT? it must have been early if your still in your 11th week. Mine is on 11+1 and I"m worried that'll be too early.

xxx

ps interesting discussion about siblings - i definitely have a lot to say there - hold this space...xx

I was 11+1 too, and the scan bit was fine - fold was clear, nasal bone clear etc. THey said they would just rescan if things weren't clear but all good. May have spoken to soon re. ms tho.. sipping ginger ale with my face screwed up as we speak! Also interested about the sibling thing; I have agonised over the effect on DS, who is totally the centre of the universe...

Thank you Valium Queen for your wise words, I will keep them in mind and try to feel less guilty. You are absolutely right, we wanted more than one child so that they can be together when the time comes for us to go. I hope they will have the relationship you have with your older brother.
Brilliant day in Paris today, not too warm, sunny enough to have a coffee in the garden after lunch. We are still training Anastasia to sleep without our help, that involves lots of crying :( and getting her used to have the bottle from time to time with expressed milk. Only 4 kg of the pg to lose ! These will be the hardest though...

MrsWooster and Somewhere, the first trimester is ending soon, I keep my fingers crossed that MS will end too. Very glad your NT and fist scan went well.

Still very happy to hear from you all, LRM, Fjord, Knotty, Knicky, KRM821, Seaside... and those I have missed (impossible to scroll back on this phone)

thanks Mrs Wooster. Soz about MS. It's just awful awful awful. Are you already worrying about your DS? i prob will too once i get past my nuchal.

I had an awful day for MS yesterday too - went out and about which passed the time, but was in a cafe almost falling down as i waited for this incredibly slow server to process my tray of food. then grimacing into my hands on the train.

Today i feel brilliant - the relief of not having MS is actually amazing. I can work! I can be myself! I can do things I need to do! it's like suddenly having a superpower!

From what I can see the sibling thing is just huge. it's the biggest thing that can happen to a child - apart from things happening to their parents. My DP was insistent we left a good age gap which is why i only got pregnant now age 40.

hpbp it does sound like you've got a good age gap if your son is going to school. He has had a lot of devoted attention from you at the age when it really counts and I bet he will be fine. They all do get very distressed by a new sibling, in their own ways - that is normal. My nephew was visibly crushed when his sister arrived. Now they just ARE - you can't imagine him without her.

xxxx

Somewhere and Mrs Wooster, really hope your morning sickness improves soon. Lovely to hear from you Hpbp and it sounds like you're doing really well in losing the baby weight - no rush though, it's still early days.
My DS was devastated when we told him about his pregnancy. He's 8 and our plan was always to stick at one (until this "surprise"!), so we'd always sold the idea of being an only to him. He burst into tears and we felt terrible, but after a few days he started talking about pushing the buggy and cuddling the baby, and now (I'm 26 weeks) he's so excited and keeps talking to her through the bump and asking why he can't "get her out for a cuddle and put her back again so she can finish growing" . He will be a lovely big brother and I know they won't exactly be playmates with the nearly 9 year age gap but I can't wait to see him with her.

Had my 34 week growth scan and saw consultant to discuss birth options. ELCS booked for 25th october at bang on 39 weeks. Baby measuring big, but nothing to worry about. Blood flow and fluid all good. Already weighing 6lb 3oz, so he will be a bruiser.

I have requested to be sterilised at the same time, as this is our third, and I am 43. It seems the sensible thing, but I feel a bit sad. Mentioned it on the November thread, and they are saying 'big decision, major step etc'

Come on wise old ones, what do you think? I was told at 26 I would never have children, so consider myself extremely blessed to have (hopefully) three. We cannot afford this one, let alone any more, I am old and fat and tired, we will have two girls and a boy, I do not want to be on the pill, or have an implant or coil or anything, and while they are in there it makes sense. God forbid, if anything were to happen to this one, we would not want to 'replace' him, and would be happy with our lot. I want to be able to draw a line and concentrate on the next episode of our families life.

I am not saying anyone over 43 has no right to have a kid, and if this were our first I may well feel different, likewise if I were 33 (she wishes).

Valium, how does it feel to have a date?? I've been told they'll give me an ELCS date at 34 wks, for around 39 wks, and I was thinking about asking about sterilisation. Similar to you, I'm 44 though and although Rosa will only be my second, we didn't really plan for more than one and I definitely don't want another pregnancy! Did they agree to sterilisation easily? I think you're bound to feel sad, it's the end of a chapter isn't it? I think it sounds like a good decision for you.

Thank you knotty I think it is natural to feel a bit sad. Had a good chat with DH about it tonight, and it is the sensible thing to do. I can always say no on the day.

It is lovely having a date to work to, being able to plan childcare and visitors and transport. They will try to make it as near as possible to 39 weeks as they do not want baby to have problems with breathing by being delivered too early, but they also do not want you to go into labour. With DD 2 I had her at 39+4 and those last 4 days dragged so!

The consultant wanted to know I was sure, as it is permanent (that is the idea no?) and says she will ask me again post delivery before doing the procedure, so I can change my mind at any point. She also put forward other contraception methods, which I do not want. I expected her to say 'of course, you are far too old you silly old Bint!' she said if this were my third section, she would have been suggesting it anyway.

I was very clear that even if something happened to this one, I would still feel the same, and DH was there too, so it was a good three way discussion.

Valium - I have no idea really what to say about sterilisation - it does sound like a sensible thing given what you have been through but I guess it is the finality of it which makes it sad. And being able to say no on the day does help as well - I had this option with the amnio, and although that's a different procedure, I did really agonise over whether to go ahead or not, and it was a lot easier to deal with knowing my decision wasn't final until the last moment.

I'm 22+3 today, and had anomaly scan #2 this morning - they only missed the spine last time, but had to redo all the measurements today so it was nice seeing how much she had grown in less than 3 weeks. I wasted some time at work today drawing out her femur length on a post-it note with a ruler (and also drew a rather rudimentary head circumference) and I'm kind of shocked she's still so small. Having said that she is bang on 50th percentile for most things.

She was really cute today - sonographer thought she could see a large protrusion on the side of her head, but it turned out to be her hand as she was fiddling with her ear! She also did a massive yawn, which I have a photo of now although looks a bit scary

And there was a face-on image too, complete with grin and eyeballs! Not sure if you should see your baby like that as thought the image looked familiar and have just googled Donnie Darko. Oh dear - the resemblance is uncanny.

In other news, I have 'won' a few more splendid ebay items - always nice to come home to a parcel! A gorgeous Petit Bateau stripy babygro, complete with bumflap (like what you get in old-fashioned clothes), a merino swaddle and and some jeans for me for 99p (please god make them fit even though they are a 12, and I am definitely not a 12 any more, not even a maternity 12...)

eagle I know what you mean about Donnie Darko. They all look like that Thank you for your wise words about the sterilisation too. I bet you were a bit concerned about a large protrusion on her head. Not what you want to hear! Glad it was her hand.

VQ well done on your date.

Sterilisation seems very symbolic and heavy to me but then i'm 40 and i am not yet out of the woods with my PG and i definitely want to have a second child.

Maybe it isn't for you - maybe it's just a practical step that fits in with your life. Maybe you're super-fertile, do a lot of shagging and can't face another pregnancy. In which case it makes sense.

eagleray lovely news! lol re Donnie Darko - just googled it, gotcha.

what's your secret for winning on ebay? I can't seem to win anything. Do you use your smartphone?

somewhere my situation is very different to yours as this is my third child. Also 40 is very young. If this was our first, we would be thinking of a sibling, but we had actually accepted we would only have two, until this little blessing made his presence felt. We are beyond delighted to have (hopefully) three, especially a little boy after two girls.

We feel that he has been the one who has been 'missing' from our family, and once he arrives we will feel complete. It is different for every family obviously, and in no way lessens families with an only child. When we got married we were fully prepared to go through the adoption process, and started trying for a baby just to say we had tried, as I had been told I was infertile. We are looking to foster in years to come, and I think with three children that would be just about possible.

We would love to do lots of shagging too, without having to worry about contraception. The fact that we are expecting a third shows that clearly we cannot be trusted on that front although I fear with three kids we may not have the time or inclination to get up to such mischief!

Morning all,

VQ we are considering surgical options if this all goes well. I don't think I can handle another pregnancy. Although I don't think I will be having anything done - after all this I have put myself through to get a couple of kids it is DH's turn so he may have the snip. I would not be able to abort a baby after all the struggles I have had getting this far so it seems sensible to manage this accordingly. If I had 3 already I would be even more certain. If I have ELCS we will probably having them at about the same time

Eagerlay Hurray on your good scan news. I know exactly what you mean re Donnie Darko. Sometimes scan pictures frighten me a bit.... The idea of 3D ones just freaks me out totally. I think they look even weirder. Like little aliens.

Knotty Your DD sounds very cute. It melts my heart when DD talks to my bump and kisses and cuddles it. She was not too happy to find out it was a boy - but came round pretty quickly. It just takes them time. And just when I think she is totally cool about it all I have a little reminder that it is still such a big deal for her little world and there will be little bumps along the way.

for MrsW and Somewhere that bloody MS will be well and truly behind you soon.

HP Your words echo in my head - I think what you are describing is the midget house hold in a few weeks. Our DC's are the same age and stage. DD was so attached to me as I exclusively breastfed and this was fine as I only had her but it does worry me how I will keep this close bond with her whilst lavishing the same attention of DC2. DD still slips into my bed, still always wants me when the going gets tough. I don't think I made mistakes with her as she is loving and confident but I want this baby to get into less bad habits in terms of sleep and feeding. I want him to be able to sleep independently and not to always fall asleep when BF. It is so hard as I developed my habits last time because it felt right and natural and it got me through. I am totally conflicted really, last time I went totally with my instincts but I may be too knackered to do that this time round! Anyway trying to say I think I understand what you are going through so any wise words or solutions - let us know!

Right best go do some work. Consultant this week so I will maybe have to start thinking about birth options. I am thinking if I am to be induced then I will request an ELCS. If I am allowed to labour naturally then I will go VBAC. I could of course change my mind tomorrow... Big waves to you all.

Morning Ladies

mrswooster & Somwhere - You will both feel better soon ladies xx

Hp - Its lovely you are keeping in touch, sounds like you are working on that baby weight, I have not weighed myself since Feb, lord knows what the carbs and biscuits have done. Lets say my thighs did not rub together now they are glue as one. He ho the gym was a distant memory from May, I rang them and I get three months where I dont have to pay, which is handy. As some of you will know and some to find out, a trip to the biscuit barrel and back to the soft is like 20 mins on the cross trainer.

Valium - Wow you have a date, I am still worried about my little one making an appearance. I keep thinking I will wake up in the middle of the night with a very wet bed or start in the middle of Tesco!!!! Is anyone else nervous as hell and what made you feel better. I am lucky everything has gone so well so far and I am sure it will continue ( silly old lady brain having to many thoughts) .

Knotty - My cat has in the last week kept staring at my bump if it moves and he even managed a meow which was cute. Partner often has a little chat calling him his little dude. Bless his cotton socks he has been a star for the past 37 weeks actually thats a lie he has been a star for 22 years.

Eagerlay - Cool on the Donnie Darko, Glad the scan went well

Midget - Hope consultation goes well and all is well. I did my birth plan last week. Went through it will my partner so he was happy with what we bith decided incase I have a ginger freck out and he needs to take control. I am a very happy camper normally so fingers crossed ladies.

I am having a mega lazy day today and have worked a nice ass grove into my sofa. Got up at 8 had some brekkie did a few chores and have sat on my ass since 10 brillant. Hello biscuit barrel

Off to the Citizens Advise Centre in the morning to see what benefits if any I could be entitled to. Dont think I will get feck all but worth a shot. We both work full time , well I will when I return from Mat leave next year and child care is going to cost £173 a week. Any hints and tips re benefits/ child care vocuhers ladies

Hugs to all xxx

littlered I claimed childcare vouchers when DH was a student as we were not entitled to any benefits whatsoever even though we were broke. It helps, but is only worth about £70 a month if you claim the full £243. It all comes straight out of your wages, so it is less painful paying the childcare bill. Yours sounds very reasonable costs. Can you and DH claim them? If so that would be double the saving. It takes a while to set them up, and you need to give them notice to stop. We swapped to CTC when DH started working, and are a lot better off.

With Tax Credits, the threshold amounts go up according to how many kids you have. It is all due to change soon to universal credits, as yet nobody knows what this will involve. Working full time, you are likely to be earning more than the threshold with one child, which I believe is around 26K.

midget I doubt they would let you be induced after a previous section. I doubt they would be keen to let you go past your due date either.

I also had childcare vouchers - that was all I was entitled too. DH not working at the moment and think even then not entitled to anything except maybe a tiny bit if tax credit.

VQ I had a VBAC with DD1 so they are happy with that option again, it is currently me thinking ELCS because of other complications.

Thank you every one for your support. I am a bit overwhelmed as I did not realise how hard it would be to share my time between 2 kids. If the love we feel for each of our children is limitless, our time isn't unfortunately. I guess we need to find a way to spend quality time with each, whether it is at night as you did Valium Queen or through a routine. And like you Midget I gave up with my son of exhaustion and let him sleep with us, or fall asleep on the breast, never let him cry... He is very loving too. And at the moment he would rub my back if I say it is painful, take my face in his hands to give me a kiss if I look sad, such a lovely boy. Somewhere, my son is going to be 4 at the end of Oct so there is 3 years and 8 months difference between the 2 kids and he understands so much already. But with 2, we do not have a choice, do we ? to find a solution, for our own sake !!!
LRM, I have not really worked on my weight, I just got rid of it slowly, eating normally when I can, but I have always been very sensible about food.
VQ, glad you have made a decision about birth. You and Knotty got me thinking with your request, I am to meet my gynea on Sat, I have not decided yet which contraception I want, but sterilisation is so permanent, I am not sure I want a 3rd baby, feeling too old and tired too, but I hate the idea of permanence, I want to be able to make a choice. As you said, each family has its history and we can only decide for ourselves and nobody can say anything about it. Thank you for raising the subject.
Eagleray, it must have been so emotional to see your LO on the screen. Another trimester and you will have the baby in your arms. Welll done !

Oh, I wanted also to say thank you to everyone, I am very blessed to have found all of you. LRM, I can still remember your very first post last Feb and the day I found it. Time has gone so quickly since.

hpbp that is so cute - your DS!
xxxx

Hp - Your little boy sounds a little angel what a sweetie rubbing your back, and giving you kisses. You will do the very best for both of them and you will love em more every day. I thought it has gone so quickly yesterday since Feb and I put my first thread up saying I was 4 weeks !! all 34 weeks ago. I keep thinking how I will manage just one never mind two. I am worried about all aspects of life with my new little fella. I worry can I cope with breastfeeding, lack of sleep, will he be ok and lots of what happens if ......... ? My massive positive is I can ask my partner what do you think we should do and we will discuss it so not alone but overwhelming at times.

I keep thinking when Dylan is born to have the implant put back in, if I change my mind I know I can take it out. I dont know what I will feel when he is born and by the time I get my head around it I will be 44 , dont feel 43 at all, well my head doesnt my body does at the moment. So its a hard decision for anyone

valium&Midget - Thanks for your thought on childcare vouchers and benefits. I dont think I will get a bean but worth a shot.

Afternoon all. Hpbp - you're doing amazingly. I can't even imagine going through this and already having a small child.

It's an interesting discussion actually about subsequent kids/contraception choices/deciding the family is complete. I guess I'm at the stage where I'm stoked I'm finally having one but would really like 2. I don't feel I have the luxury to think about ideal age gaps and how a 2nd child would be with a toddler does weigh on my mind a lot. As an only child myself I very much want a sibling for my child (even though she has 2 half sisters - they are much older) as I longed for one most of my childhood. I am being pressured by the endocrinologist to start some form of contraception as soon as I have given birth, but I wasn't on any before, can't take the pill or similar and have never used any other gadgets (can't imagine me and DP using condoms). I was made to feel a bit irresponsible that I might not. Hmmmm...

And sterilisation VQ. I think you have your answers inside. It's such an individual decision. Yes it does feel final but, if it's something with no accompanying health risks or downsides, I think I'd be tempted after 2 as I don't think I could go any further than that, at my age - just in terms of raising them. I think what age you'd 'go up to' having kids is personal to everyone. I agree that I think it depends on how you've been blessed thus far. If I was 46 and still wanting a first one, I'm sure I'd be trying but if I'd been blessed with 2 before that age I do feel I wouldn't want to be going through it again then.

eagleray - also had to laugh at the Donnie Darko comment! I think how they look shouldn't be taken too seriously unless it was a 3D or 4D scan (but even then sometimes not). I saw LO's face at 34 weeks and she looked like she had a really long, totally pointed witches nose and enormous 'hanging' pouting lips . I'm figuring it's a distortion as the pictures are made out of sound waves. Either that or there are some weird rogue genes on one of our sides!

Oh and yes, VQ I think it is good to have a date. I will get given mine tomorrow . Hoping it will be 2 week's time and not this coming Monday (as I'm fearing, if she's grown too big - I'm not READY!!!). So essentially another scan tomorrow (LRM when's your next one?).

Must finish Amazon orders for baby stuff and go and nest a bit...ankles are 'pooling' (never did get the laptop table that would allow me to type with feet up...more's the pity).

LRM, don't worry, you will cope with everything, sleep deprivation, BFing, and the rest, it seems that Mother Nature has made women tough enough to cope with all that. Trust your instincts, do what feels right, and don't care about what people think, they have no right to judge. It is very reassuring to have a partner to speak to and take decision together, you are lucky to have found one.
Fjord, I can't believe you are so close to have your baby in your arms. You and LRM are the next graduates. Exciting time ! Keep us posted after tomorrow's consultation.

Kind of managed to get the 2 kids in a routine. Flexible one for Anastasia. Less flexible for the oldest though because of school. Main timing is by 7pm Anastasia must be fed and in her cot, even if she is not asleep, so that I can focus on DS1, read a story, talk about his day and by 8pm he must be asleep. And in the morning, feed the little girl before her brother wakes up at 7.30 am at the latest. Between these 2 crucial moments, Anastasia can sleep, feed, play, cry or whatever she feels like. My Mum looks after Anastasia between 7.30/8 am and 8.30 then from 4 to 5.15pm when I do the school run, she also give her a bottle around 11am/11.30, I want her to get used to it as my 20 appointments with the MW regarding pelvic floor exercices start next Monday and they might conflict with feeding time, so I do lots of expressing as well. Thanks to some wise advice from MW, I still have the double pump Medella.

This afternoon I had to manage the 2 kids on my own from 1 to 7pm as my Mum was away. I must confess that I used a DVD to keep DS1 entertained while I was taking care of his sister. What a bad mum I am but I could not see what else to do... When we go back home, I promised myself to teach him to play with his Lego or cars or read on his own instead. He was quite good at entertaining himself until the iPad entered our lives :( TBH, he has less toys here as well. Sounds like I am making excuses for my bad parenting, doesn't it ?

That is all for me tonight. Need to get some sleep until next feed, hopefully around 2/3 am. Take good care every one.