Things I wish people had told me when I was pregnant

[katiegolightly]

Sorry - a long one. Ok so we're only on day 17 but now the haze is starting to clear I thought I'd jot a list of all the things specific to my experiences so far that I wish I'd been told about earlier - i.e. in pregnancy. Those marked with * are things that I was told about but damnit I wish I'd paid more attention to!! SERIOUSLY. Oh and it's all a bit higgledy piggledy order-wise such is my brain now :-)

1. Don't buy any cute outfits for your baby in 0-3. Get 5-10 vests (no arms or legs) like M&S ones have been brilliant. Layer with a babygro day and night. It's all you need. I feel bad that all the cute things she has been bought in newborn and 0-3 probably will only get worn for the thank you photo, they are too faffy to dress them in!

1. Take 2 hats into hospital. I was asked to take one into theatre for my CS because they like to put one on the baby straight away. I had a spare for taking her home luckily as it gets gunked up immediately.

1. Don't worry about dressing your baby in hospital if you don't want to. Ours spent 3 days in nappy/blanket. I figured I would learn 'dressing the baby' at home. Hospital was for learning to feed, nappy change and cuddle - the extra complication is not worth it, she will be PLENTY warm enough, hospitals are saunas.

*4. Don't do too much too soon. Fortunately the drugs they give you (post CS) are brilliant. In my case, I thought this meant I was superwoman. Just because you feel more than capable of unloading the washing machine and dishwasher on day 5, DON'T. Stupidly I seemed to forget that it wasn't just the healing visible scar I should be thinking of but all the layers inside that had been cut through. You need to heal, seriously, enjoy a good couple of weeks on the couch.

*5. When arranging your visits, tell them the curfew. All of my visitors have turned up late and all of them have said 'tell me when you want me to go'. This is great, but I'm not good at saying 'now actually'. Make sure when you say, 'sure, come over Wednesday evening' that you add on 'kicking out time is 9pm as that's when I have to go to bed to manage the night feeds'

*6. Don't have visitors every day. Give yourself at least 3 days in week 1 with nobody knocking at your door. You need it.

*7. Stock up your freezer if you haven't already. This has proved a life saver.

*8. It's ok to be in shock when your baby is born. Stupidly I wanted to ask 'is she mine' when they lifted her above the screen. I also expected to be blubbing uncontrollably (I am the emotional type...) I haven't at all yet. I wonder if I am emotionally broken. This is ok and normal. Don't put pressure on yourself of DP to react a certain way.

1. I love ted talks - I've watched this one so many times but I urge you to take 15 mins to watch this, it's inspiring and very comforting about 5 parenting taboos. It has helped me a lot. www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos.html

10. If you know you are having a CS, buy some tea tree oil to massage into your scar once it has initially healed and also look at silicon gel / pads (you can buy from Amazon) to soften and fade your scar over time. You may prefer to dilute the tea tree in water, I didn't and it's been fine.

11. Apart from the M&S babygros I mentioned, most things that go over the head have been annoying. If you can find short sleeved & short legged vesty things like from M&P or mothercare that have popper fronts, these are really easy to work with. Our house is warm in the day and this plus blankets has been fine without a babygro.

12. Stock up on box sets or trashy books. You probably won't have any time to watch/read them - but when you do snatch an hour, indulge in something that will really pep you up and take your mind off stuff.

*13. Your baby will cry. Sometimes there is a reason, sometimes there isn't.

14. It's ok to admit there are moments that are boring or groundhog day.

15. Some foods when in your breastmilk may upset your baby. Some babies may be intollerant to dairy & gluten, some say chocolate, citrus, strawberries and egg are particular culprits. Eat things in moderation and if you notice something may cause issues, cut one thing out at a time. Everyone is different.

16. www.kellymom.com is a brilliant resource for all things breastfeeding. Get familiar with it before your baby comes out! It answers all those questions about how much and how often your baby should eat, how you know if they are getting enough when your are breastfeeding etc.

17. Photocopy your antenatal notes well in advance. I kept delaying and my waters broke - no copy. I'm told by my hospital (Chelsea & Westminster) it will cost me £50 to get a copy.

*18. Those first few days you have colostrum only. YOU WILL KNOW when your milk comes in. Mine did overnight on day 3 and it was painful. Like tingly severe sunburn. Hard, hot watermelon boobs, hot flushes, dripping with sweat. I was just not expecting it. They eased throughout the next day as I started to use them and felt fine 12 hours later! Get a couple of flannels ready so you can put hot water flannels on your boobs, it was the only thing that eased them.

19. If you want to pamper your little ones bottom, get a thermos flask and a little bowl for beside your changing station/s, particularly if you don't have a sink within arms reach. Water available for every change - warm to boot! I've been advised not to use wipes on a newborn.

20. When you are discharged your antenatal notes will be retained. You will be given 2 new sets of notes, one about you and one about your baby. These document your labour and stay in hospital and every check up, test, conversation you had with midwives and doctors in your dazed state. READ THEM BEFORE YOU LEAVE. I didn't. I didn't understand or agree with a lot of it. These notes stay with you until your last midwife visit at home. Photocopy these before your last midwife visit too. They are militant and will not let you keep them to copy yourself past this date.

*21. Yes, scratchmits are useless and fall off. Rely on the ones in babygros. Most babygros seem to have them in but most products online don't state this when you buy them. It's very annoying that this isn't clearer.

22. Get some Lansinoh cream for your nipples. Make sure it is in your hospital bag. Those first few days were the worst by far for cracked scabby nipples.

23. First few days of feeding can be frustrating / hellish. Research about hand expressing colustrum into tiny syringes, you may end up doing it and I was totally lost. Wish I'd known more.

24. Ask your hospital about checking your babys blood sugar straight after they are born if they are on the small side. They forgot to do this for me and a also an NCT friend this week which meant an extra day in hospital for monitoring on the 'blood sugar protocol' purely because they forgot to test something sooner.

25. Get a feeding app on your phone or find a way to record feeds. I'm the most organised person in the world and I thought this was a ridiculous notion - how hard can it be to remember when you last fed, for how long and on which side. Only after 2 weeks did we settle into this but I still often forget which side I've done - all feeds blur into one, it really helps to keep a record. Find an app now, the most useful time is that first 48 hours. I promise.

26. Write everything down as soon as you can. The birth story, how you felt. There is so much going on it's hard to remember a few days later. You'll be glad to look back on those feelings and thoughts. My DP took a video of DD being lifted out. If I'd known I'd have said no way. I didn't really realise he'd done it until a week later and I'm so pleased he did. Not to Facebook it, to remind myself what happened when I was so in shock I couldn't take it in at the time.

27. Right now all you can focus on is pregnancy and the birth. It's all you know to prepare for. It seemed so obvious after she was born that the delivery was only the tip of the iceberg but I can't believe how fixated I was on this part and how small that seems now we are on the other side. Spend some time considering week 1. Nothing will prepare you for it, but at least think about it!

28. Emma Jane bamboo vest tops have been my only attire for 2 weeks! No bras, just these and comfy trousers. Worth their weight in gold for feeding and easy covering up again when you have visitors. www.amazon.co.uk/Emma-Jane-Bamboo-Nursing-Vest-White-10/dp/B000V6N91A/ref=sr_1_1?s=baby&ie=UTF8&qid=1336029445&sr=1-1

29. If there's something you need/want to do, do it now. Whether that's redecorating your house, going to the theatre, whatever. You won't give a stuff about anything else in life when your baby arrives. I thought I would, I don't.

30. You may wake up in the night thinking you are holding the baby when she is in her crib. It's scary. I've done this 5 times now and seriously thought I'd dropped her in the bed. Weird feeling. (I've not fallen asleep with her in the bed at all)

31. Get some good hand cream and put it by your changing station. Your hands will be v dry with constant washing.

32. You can't have too many muslins. I have 20, I could easily use 30, they are scattered around every room in the house.

33. Microwavable sterilisers are the way forward. Even just for 1 expressed feed per day/night. I have an Avent one, it's awesome and I put my Medela swing in there every day too, I'd be lost without it.

34. Get a fruitcake or something that will keep. Your visitors (who are lazy and don't bring their own cake) can have a slice and you won't feel bad. Not that you should.

35. Get a banana shaped breastfeeding pillow. Another fantastic purchase for feeding on the bed/couch/anywhere. Otherwise you will need to stuff cushions around you awkwardly or get RSI!

36. Pack your change bag when you get home from an outing, not before you go out. You'll be more ready to up and go when you want to and less faffing.

37. Water in bottles. Glasses are great until you can't chug the whole lot and can't reach the table. Constantly calling DP to take the glass off me.

38. Get some almond oil (neals yard) or beeswax to moisturise any dry skin like on your baby's hands or feet. It's lovely to spend time rubbing their little toes too, nice time for mummy after a feed.

Ok, I think that's all for now, I've gone on for long enough. Hope some is helpful for some of you!

Wow - thank you so much for this - am due in Aug and just joined MN today. Fabulous advice!!! X

I disagree with whoever said the baby bath was a rubbish buy - we still use ours years later. It lives in the big bath (sits across the top widthways when not in use) and is so handy as it doesn't take ages/lots of water to fill. Sometimes my 6yo still uses it, he fits in fine, (we use a jug for hair washing). If you use it in the big bath, you can just turn it over when bathtime's done. I agree that bathing in another room and having to fill/empty with jugs etc would be a huge faff.

Very helpful all re bathing, thank you! This does make sense, actually, and I'm going to be especially wary as my DH has excema, so there's a chance (really hope not, but what can I do) that baby might too, so really want to look after his skin. Honestly, this thread is great!

I think it's worth pointing out that you may well feel very tearful for weeks after the birth. I'm two weeks in and I still burst into tears randomly and without much warning or for much reason. I also had very severe baby blues last week which left me howling in the shower and hyperventilating with fear and anxiety. I went to my GP who said this is normal and unlikely to develop into PND. (But obviously you must keep an eye on your moods day to day)

My friend told me to read Life After Birth by Kate Figes. It's probably not for everyone but I really like it and find it helpful to know I'm not alone.

Babies love white noise.

My baby loves listening to Mozart and bizarrely, electronic-pop and playing music calms her down when we're changing her.

Get a sling & use it while you can still carry your baby without buckled knees.

Once you do the first breast feed in public, it gets easier. Bring a shawl if you want extra privacy.

Many bigger branches of Boots have parent and baby rooms. If baby has a melt down in public you can always nip in for a quick feed and snuggle.

Sleep beats housework every time.

It's ok not to breastfeed. Obviously, it's well worth trying as it's easier and much less work but your baby will be absolutely fine if you don't.

I was made to feel very guilty for not bf and wondered if my DCs would turn out to be ok. Many years further on, they are all exceptionally healthy and highly qualified in professional type jobs.

I'm pleased I started this one, picking up loads of top tips! Ok, so I have 2 penneth on the baby bath thing too. Everyone told me 'waste of money, don't get one' - I mean everyone. That was exactly why I went and got one . It's actually been great as access to my bath is tricky (shower screen, getting down on the floor and wedging myself between bath and loo) - plus having a CS to boot meant it would have been a struggle for me to start with. The baby bath I got lives in the bath and when in use I can put it nice and high on the kitchen worktop or dining table, perfect for bathing her comfortably. It doesn't need much water so even I can carry it when it's 'full' and there is a plug in the bottom so no need to tip dirty water out the top. A good buy for us, not an essential, but certainly has made life easier so far.

Re baby baths: DS loathed being bathed, screamed himself puce etc, but for some reason we felt we ought to bathe him. With this one, if it is also horrified by water, we will just sponge bathe it. It took DS five months to get used to the idea of baths and even then it was only okay if one of us got in with him and it so wasn't worth it. He's 3 now, and loves baths, but I feel quite guilty when I think of how upset he got as a tiny little baby. Poor thing.

If your little one suffers from colic, and you are breast-feeding, make sure you get your head down for a sleep in the afternoon. This helps increase the hormones that cause the production of the richer breastmilk. Otherwise you are feeding with the lighter sugary one, which may cause colic.

Whereas massaging the perineum(sp?) with almond oil, or similar, in the run-up to your due date may help, reaching it is an other matter altogether

This thread is brilliant! Am now going to talk about baby books and meals....

You will not have time to read baby books (as someone said earlier). My granny always said that you, the mum, are the expert on your baby. And it is so true - you will very quickly find you understand your new born and his/her needs just because they are yours. Seek advice if you need it from those you respect (other mums, midwife, health visitor, your mum and also from this site - lucky you new mums having this resource!) and then work out what will work for you and your babe.

I had never properly cooked a full meal before I had my first and I was terrified of that responsibility. However, I would thoroughly recommend Annabel Karmel's books. She does one about weaning and into early meals and it is brilliant. I learned to cook like a proper mummy through her and still (15 years on) cook some of those recipes today as the kids love them. That is the one book I would recommend you buy.

On the book front; I bought squillions of books for my first pregnancy and theonly one I used, loved and would recommend is Your baby week by week by Simone Cave. Get it from Amazon. Its brilliant, one easy chapter per week of babys first months, which is all you need. Full of reassuring sections and sensible advice, its the only book I have kept and used for no 2 and 3. It is fab!

Ah, memories of zombie newborn days :-)

Re number 18: I didn't know when my milk came in. My son didn't latch on for a week or two, and I worried that my milk wasn't going to come in properly, and then that it hadn't come in and wasn't going to. But it did - just gradually, without any particular noticeable sensation. And without me managing to heed the impossible advice of the community midwives to express twelve times a day (don't think I ever managed more than three, sometimes none).

Line your bed with extra large old towels or buy nice cheap new ones. Great for leaking from both ends and for all the sweating (and sweating and sweating and sweating).

Drink a lot of water.

Stock up on healthy snacks. Don't get into the habit of filling up on junk. You will feel really ravenous if you breastfeed. Make sure your diet has plenty of protein.

Get a lavette/ peri bottle for washing your nether regions after each visit to the bathroom if you don't have a bidet. Fill with nice warm water and squirt; refill as needed. You can put a few drops of tea tree oil in if you want. Great for episiotomy or stitch care as you don't have to do much wiping and a relief for sore tissue.

Get some perineal ice packs to put into your granny pants for episiotomy or stitch care, bring down swelling, soothe itching.

Sore, cracked nipples -- coat with a little breastmilk and allow to air dry BUT close your curtains or blinds if you are overlooked.

Wash the baby in the kitchen sink and save your back. You can heat up the kitchen nicely if you turn on the oven. Put towels on your counter ready to wrap the baby in. I was advised to leave a full immersion bath until after the cord fell off (standard advice in the US where mine were born), and after a few weeks I didn't bother with a daily wash unless there was a poop disaster. Top and tailing was fine a lot of days.

I second the advice to restrict visiting in the early days and to make sure visitors stay no longer than about an hour each if they absolutely must be admitted. And don't bother making them comfortable. Let them make their own tea and wash up afterwards.

A portable changing pad that is padded, roll-up-able, and machine washable and dryable is a better buy than a big changing table. You can use the changing pad on a bed or on the floor for when the baby starts being more active.

Talk and sing and smile to the baby from the start, and mimic baby sounds.

You can't spoil a baby. Pick her up, carry her around, pay attention to her.

A good few babies do not sleep anything like the baby books think they should. Try to avoid the word 'should' and take it with a grain of salt when you come across it.

Don't be a clock watcher. Try not to dwell on time, especially when you are really, really tired and sleep starts to become a fixation for you.

What a fab post! Loving reliving some of the baby times (I'm so terribly broody)

I had a very hard time with my emotions - It gets better! The best thing I did was warn DH that I was worried I would struggle with the baby blues. He was great - I had affirmations when I was feeling like the dog could do a better job than me and it helped me to ride it out and remember that it would pass.

Remember you are the parent! I am a dreadful hippy in some respects (according to some) I sling, I sing and talk to them and have them with me. You know what? If that is what you want to do then do it!! I agree with posters that say you can't spoil a baby.
I was constantly told I was doing it wrong and was overindulgent and when I was feeling down MIL and other used my self doubt to tell me how to raise my baby. DH stepped in when I was too weepy to stand up for myself and I have been a happy hippy ever since - bloody happy babies too!

You are normal if you don't bond in the first 2 seconds. Honestly it doesn't mean you don't love them! I've got a houseful and at some births I had the instant fix and some I didn't, apparently without rhyme or reason - I love everyone with a staggering fierceness, no difference to our bond between the 'instants' and the 'just crept up on me' babies.

People probably want to help you - many of the people that love you will be more than happy to do a load of laundry, cook a meal, do some ironing or just get the hoover out or walk the dog. Don't be afraid to ask for help while you settle in. It will probably be gratefully given.

Best things I ever bought - my slings and the co-sleeper cots that fit to the side of your bed. Worst thing was a nappy bin with the spinning handle to seal them up.

Best things I ever learned - the 5s technique - Swaddle, Side, Shiver, Sushh (white noise) & Sucking - Learn it & USE IT !!!! Saved my sanity more than once!! If there was just one thing I could say I would recommend that!
And also tilting up the cot for my reflux baby so they weren't flat.

Congratulations on your new addition OP - and to any mummies expecting

I Want to add one. Try to get a shower ( or bath) every day. I would put dd in the car seat on the bathroom floor, she loved listening to the water running and feel the steam, and I felt so much better being clean!

This thread is great. #2 is due in October.

1. Find out about your local Sure Start. They were invaluable to me when I had DS. I've seen them get some bad comments on here before but actually they are not the pushy-judgey-know-it-alls some posters claim them to be, but actually just want to help are know what they are talking about (IME experience anyway).

1. Baby baths are utterly pointless.

1. Go to NCT sales. I went a couple weeks ago and spent £24. I now have all the clothes we'll need in newborn to 3months, A set of real nappies, a grow bag (50p!), scratch mits etc.

1. You can get fold up changing mats in Poundland.

1. You can also get those little tin foil trays to make home-made ready meals in, for the freezer, from Poundland.

1. Forget cotton wool and water. If you don't want to use wipes, try washable wipes, just fleece squares in a tupperware pot, in pure water. You can get a little drawstring bag for out and about.

1. Buy second hand. Save the money because school uniform costs an arm and leg.

1. On the hand, buy brand new, beautiful things if you want to. DS1 got bought so many lovely things by other people I didn't need to get him anything but I enjoy indulging in him and wish I'd dressed him in things I liked. It's your baby so make sure you get to enjoy and indulge too!

1. A child is for life. Everyone will give you lots of tips and advice on pregnancy, birth and newborns, but no-one ever mentions how proud you will feel at their first sports day (even though they come last in every race ), or when they read their first word. It can be easy to focus on the negative and just getting through and surviving babyhood but there is so much good stuff.

10. Get a notebook and write down just one sentence a day, something that you're DC did that made you smile. You will forget (unthinkable at the time!) the miss-pronounciations of words that made you laugh. Then, when they are 2 and sreaming at you because you "cutted up their pear!" you can read it to remind yourself they are actually quite nice sometimes.

V good tip about breastmilk on nipples to help cracking. I had no idea!!

Super list!
Firstbaby a doddle - you just don't realise it! Impossible to anticipate exact needs as they are all different and easy to buy online or get things at short notice as the need arises (and as many have pointed out very little is absolutely necessary).

I loved Kamillosan ointment and what none of the books tell you is how important it is for baby to have the Colostrum! One day it will be a legal requirement and after that it doesn't matter a whole lot - it is a tailor-made gift from mother to baby that quite literally sets them up for life (or gives them added protection in the first few months at least).

Finally in case th elong expected viral pandemic happens when you have a baby take the precaution of laying in a supply of powdered babymilk for at least 6 months in case Mum's milk is not available - it keeps and can be used in rotation and the nightmare of a starving baby is simply not worth the risk! In this Olympic year the risk must be heightened whatever the official 'don't panic' line is...

all4u sorry to go off on a tangent here, but how on earth can you claim that one day it will be a legal requirement to feed a baby your colostrum?! (and I say this as someone who BFs)

Shit makes me want another but 5 would be tooooo many ! LOL good advice. I feel a book coming from the op

The baby bubble doesn't last forever. Enjoy it and don't rush. They will be learning to drive before you know it.

i would cut it down to

1. you and baby come first
2. babies cry. this does not mean you are doing something wrong.

..that's about it.

All4u so when I spent a fortnight crying over my newborn baby not latching on once and me not being able to express a single drop, I should then have been sued/fined/sent to prison? This was a lovely thread and you've just made me feel like shit. Thanks.

Kaloobear don't feel like shit because someone wrote something thoughtless. I think that's one comment we should all let go right over our heads!

I just ignored it - surprisingly large numbers of people are either bat-flappingly insane or just have far too much free time on the internet but not enough nous to filter out the shit.

I was going to continue to ignore it until I saw you felt crap - don't. Really don't, it's horrible when breast feeding doesn't work out but please don't let stupid stuff like this get you down - honstly let all that guilt and frustration go. I have ebf 2 babies but the very next one? Nada, I was an old hand, boobs knew what to do, baby seemed to get it but nope- was not going to work. The combined efforts of myself, my HV, a peer supporter and LLL could not convince a drop of milk to come out of me. I am still as much of a mother to that child, still as loved and loving and DC is as healthy as the rest. It wasn't my fault - it's not yours either. DC fared well on formula even though it wasn't my first choice I had a baby that grew like a weed and was surrounded by plenty of muck and sibling germs to help boost her immune system. Of course I support bf and the right to but that doesn't mean ff mums deserve any less support or respect - I am a bf/ff mum! Honestly anyone giving you shit needs to be told to go home and put as much energy into raising their kid as they are laying into you. It's your choice - you should be proud you made that wonderful baby that is doing well on ff, everything other than that is just horses for courses. You have nothing to feel shit about. You gave it the college try - more than likely went above and beyond the call of duty - no reasonable, sane human being can ask more than that xx