Things I wish people had told me when I was pregnant

[katiegolightly]

Sorry - a long one. Ok so we're only on day 17 but now the haze is starting to clear I thought I'd jot a list of all the things specific to my experiences so far that I wish I'd been told about earlier - i.e. in pregnancy. Those marked with * are things that I was told about but damnit I wish I'd paid more attention to!! SERIOUSLY. Oh and it's all a bit higgledy piggledy order-wise such is my brain now :-)

1. Don't buy any cute outfits for your baby in 0-3. Get 5-10 vests (no arms or legs) like M&S ones have been brilliant. Layer with a babygro day and night. It's all you need. I feel bad that all the cute things she has been bought in newborn and 0-3 probably will only get worn for the thank you photo, they are too faffy to dress them in!

1. Take 2 hats into hospital. I was asked to take one into theatre for my CS because they like to put one on the baby straight away. I had a spare for taking her home luckily as it gets gunked up immediately.

1. Don't worry about dressing your baby in hospital if you don't want to. Ours spent 3 days in nappy/blanket. I figured I would learn 'dressing the baby' at home. Hospital was for learning to feed, nappy change and cuddle - the extra complication is not worth it, she will be PLENTY warm enough, hospitals are saunas.

*4. Don't do too much too soon. Fortunately the drugs they give you (post CS) are brilliant. In my case, I thought this meant I was superwoman. Just because you feel more than capable of unloading the washing machine and dishwasher on day 5, DON'T. Stupidly I seemed to forget that it wasn't just the healing visible scar I should be thinking of but all the layers inside that had been cut through. You need to heal, seriously, enjoy a good couple of weeks on the couch.

*5. When arranging your visits, tell them the curfew. All of my visitors have turned up late and all of them have said 'tell me when you want me to go'. This is great, but I'm not good at saying 'now actually'. Make sure when you say, 'sure, come over Wednesday evening' that you add on 'kicking out time is 9pm as that's when I have to go to bed to manage the night feeds'

*6. Don't have visitors every day. Give yourself at least 3 days in week 1 with nobody knocking at your door. You need it.

*7. Stock up your freezer if you haven't already. This has proved a life saver.

*8. It's ok to be in shock when your baby is born. Stupidly I wanted to ask 'is she mine' when they lifted her above the screen. I also expected to be blubbing uncontrollably (I am the emotional type...) I haven't at all yet. I wonder if I am emotionally broken. This is ok and normal. Don't put pressure on yourself of DP to react a certain way.

1. I love ted talks - I've watched this one so many times but I urge you to take 15 mins to watch this, it's inspiring and very comforting about 5 parenting taboos. It has helped me a lot. www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos.html

10. If you know you are having a CS, buy some tea tree oil to massage into your scar once it has initially healed and also look at silicon gel / pads (you can buy from Amazon) to soften and fade your scar over time. You may prefer to dilute the tea tree in water, I didn't and it's been fine.

11. Apart from the M&S babygros I mentioned, most things that go over the head have been annoying. If you can find short sleeved & short legged vesty things like from M&P or mothercare that have popper fronts, these are really easy to work with. Our house is warm in the day and this plus blankets has been fine without a babygro.

12. Stock up on box sets or trashy books. You probably won't have any time to watch/read them - but when you do snatch an hour, indulge in something that will really pep you up and take your mind off stuff.

*13. Your baby will cry. Sometimes there is a reason, sometimes there isn't.

14. It's ok to admit there are moments that are boring or groundhog day.

15. Some foods when in your breastmilk may upset your baby. Some babies may be intollerant to dairy & gluten, some say chocolate, citrus, strawberries and egg are particular culprits. Eat things in moderation and if you notice something may cause issues, cut one thing out at a time. Everyone is different.

16. www.kellymom.com is a brilliant resource for all things breastfeeding. Get familiar with it before your baby comes out! It answers all those questions about how much and how often your baby should eat, how you know if they are getting enough when your are breastfeeding etc.

17. Photocopy your antenatal notes well in advance. I kept delaying and my waters broke - no copy. I'm told by my hospital (Chelsea & Westminster) it will cost me £50 to get a copy.

*18. Those first few days you have colostrum only. YOU WILL KNOW when your milk comes in. Mine did overnight on day 3 and it was painful. Like tingly severe sunburn. Hard, hot watermelon boobs, hot flushes, dripping with sweat. I was just not expecting it. They eased throughout the next day as I started to use them and felt fine 12 hours later! Get a couple of flannels ready so you can put hot water flannels on your boobs, it was the only thing that eased them.

19. If you want to pamper your little ones bottom, get a thermos flask and a little bowl for beside your changing station/s, particularly if you don't have a sink within arms reach. Water available for every change - warm to boot! I've been advised not to use wipes on a newborn.

20. When you are discharged your antenatal notes will be retained. You will be given 2 new sets of notes, one about you and one about your baby. These document your labour and stay in hospital and every check up, test, conversation you had with midwives and doctors in your dazed state. READ THEM BEFORE YOU LEAVE. I didn't. I didn't understand or agree with a lot of it. These notes stay with you until your last midwife visit at home. Photocopy these before your last midwife visit too. They are militant and will not let you keep them to copy yourself past this date.

*21. Yes, scratchmits are useless and fall off. Rely on the ones in babygros. Most babygros seem to have them in but most products online don't state this when you buy them. It's very annoying that this isn't clearer.

22. Get some Lansinoh cream for your nipples. Make sure it is in your hospital bag. Those first few days were the worst by far for cracked scabby nipples.

23. First few days of feeding can be frustrating / hellish. Research about hand expressing colustrum into tiny syringes, you may end up doing it and I was totally lost. Wish I'd known more.

24. Ask your hospital about checking your babys blood sugar straight after they are born if they are on the small side. They forgot to do this for me and a also an NCT friend this week which meant an extra day in hospital for monitoring on the 'blood sugar protocol' purely because they forgot to test something sooner.

25. Get a feeding app on your phone or find a way to record feeds. I'm the most organised person in the world and I thought this was a ridiculous notion - how hard can it be to remember when you last fed, for how long and on which side. Only after 2 weeks did we settle into this but I still often forget which side I've done - all feeds blur into one, it really helps to keep a record. Find an app now, the most useful time is that first 48 hours. I promise.

26. Write everything down as soon as you can. The birth story, how you felt. There is so much going on it's hard to remember a few days later. You'll be glad to look back on those feelings and thoughts. My DP took a video of DD being lifted out. If I'd known I'd have said no way. I didn't really realise he'd done it until a week later and I'm so pleased he did. Not to Facebook it, to remind myself what happened when I was so in shock I couldn't take it in at the time.

27. Right now all you can focus on is pregnancy and the birth. It's all you know to prepare for. It seemed so obvious after she was born that the delivery was only the tip of the iceberg but I can't believe how fixated I was on this part and how small that seems now we are on the other side. Spend some time considering week 1. Nothing will prepare you for it, but at least think about it!

28. Emma Jane bamboo vest tops have been my only attire for 2 weeks! No bras, just these and comfy trousers. Worth their weight in gold for feeding and easy covering up again when you have visitors. www.amazon.co.uk/Emma-Jane-Bamboo-Nursing-Vest-White-10/dp/B000V6N91A/ref=sr_1_1?s=baby&ie=UTF8&qid=1336029445&sr=1-1

29. If there's something you need/want to do, do it now. Whether that's redecorating your house, going to the theatre, whatever. You won't give a stuff about anything else in life when your baby arrives. I thought I would, I don't.

30. You may wake up in the night thinking you are holding the baby when she is in her crib. It's scary. I've done this 5 times now and seriously thought I'd dropped her in the bed. Weird feeling. (I've not fallen asleep with her in the bed at all)

31. Get some good hand cream and put it by your changing station. Your hands will be v dry with constant washing.

32. You can't have too many muslins. I have 20, I could easily use 30, they are scattered around every room in the house.

33. Microwavable sterilisers are the way forward. Even just for 1 expressed feed per day/night. I have an Avent one, it's awesome and I put my Medela swing in there every day too, I'd be lost without it.

34. Get a fruitcake or something that will keep. Your visitors (who are lazy and don't bring their own cake) can have a slice and you won't feel bad. Not that you should.

35. Get a banana shaped breastfeeding pillow. Another fantastic purchase for feeding on the bed/couch/anywhere. Otherwise you will need to stuff cushions around you awkwardly or get RSI!

36. Pack your change bag when you get home from an outing, not before you go out. You'll be more ready to up and go when you want to and less faffing.

37. Water in bottles. Glasses are great until you can't chug the whole lot and can't reach the table. Constantly calling DP to take the glass off me.

38. Get some almond oil (neals yard) or beeswax to moisturise any dry skin like on your baby's hands or feet. It's lovely to spend time rubbing their little toes too, nice time for mummy after a feed.

Ok, I think that's all for now, I've gone on for long enough. Hope some is helpful for some of you!

Oh and 'Don't put pressure on yourself or DP to react a certain way' is possibly the most important point on the list, IMO anyway.

Benedicts the postnatal ward I was on was freezing. I had to get my mum to bring in extra clothes for me as I'd left my thick dressing gown and cardi at home expecting the ward to be freezing! DS only had one blanket, and his giant 40cm head was too big for the newborn hats I'd packed

Continuing on from the point about warm hospitals and clothing..... how do you know when the baby needs a hat? How do you know whether s/he needs another layer etc?

In hospital they dressed dd in vest, baby grow, cardigan and hat immediately after the birth.

After that the general rule of thumb is that room temp should about 18 degrees and that baby should have on one more layer than you do. Ie if you are wearing t-shirt and cardi then they should have vest, t-shirt and cardi.

I put hats on dd when I went out if I felt cold. She was a winter baby

Fluffy if babies chest feels sweaty - shed a layer / hat or if babies chest feels cool/chilly add layers / hats. :) The chest is a good barometer.

oooh number 30!

I was hysterical when i woke thinking I had squished my newborn into the sofa, and stripped all the cushions off in a mad frenzy, then glanced over at the moses basket.....

Horrible horrible feeling

Everyone, but everyone knows more about babies than you do and will tell you exactly what to do and how to do it better. Everyone knows someone who has done it differently and will feel comfortable and confident about telling you about the experience of others.

Blimey Katie you're very wise after only 17 days of motherhood, I didn't realise half the stuff you mentioned until 6 months down the line

My top tips.

If you must read baby/Parenting books then only read Sears or Elizabeth pantley. Harvey karp baby bliss is good too. These books are great and focus on the whole family.

Breastfeeding wise- widgey cushion, gill rapley has a new fantastic book out, lots of water and go with the flow.

Bedside cot is a better investment than a Moses basket/crib/cot!

When looking at car seats consider extended rear facing when making choices. Look for the biggest infant carrier possible.

Once you leave hospital, put baby's hospital bracelet somewhere safe so you can hold onto it as a keepsake. Once they are older you'll never believe how tiny they were!

Just make sure you remember where you put it, I accused DH for 3 months that he was heartless and that he'd thrown it away. I was devastated, then one day I came across it in the 'safe' place i had hidden it!

In complete contrast to the OP (first 1 anyway)

1. I wish I'd bought 1 or 2 super cute outfits in newborn & 0-3! DD stayed in size newborn for 5 weeks & everyone helpfully gave us things in sizes 3-6, 6-9 etc. I was DESPERATE to put her in cute things & show her off when we took her out/had 100's of visitors - got SO sick of white/yellow babygrows & was endlessly washing the one girly gorgeous outfit my MIL gave us when she was born.

1. You may actually have quite a lot of free time, but without your hands free iyswim I get through a lot of books during the night feeds, and a lot of box sets/bbc iplayer when holding a sleeping/feeding baby in the day.

1. Be in no rush to get out of bed. DD is 7 weeks & we still like to spend the odd day in bed with laptop/chocolate/DVDs. There's plenty of room to put all the baby paraphenalia, we feed lying down on & off all day & as a result she has great weight gain & I have a really good milk supply from all the resting. If you feel guilty about it, just get up before your DP gets home - the postman no-one will ever know (not that DH cares at all, but I sometimes do because I'm guilt-laden & weird like that).

1. Make a list of presents you've received for the thank you notes. I didn't & now have no hope of ever writing correct thank you's. Realised earlier that I could've written what the present was inside each card when we received them-would've been really easy to keep track. Bugger.

1. For the first 6 weeks of a newborn's life at least, sleep begats sleep.

1. Lying down in bed together & offering a boob to feed to sleep cures every crying fit for us (before discovering this, DD could comfortably scream for 8 hours straight. She is determined)

1. The epi-no did work for me and meant that my pelvic floor felt completely back to normal after 2-3 days (no stiches despite ventouse). Wonderful device!

Pomtastic ditto to your number 4. I still burn with shame at the sheer crapness of not having said thanks to people who I really really wanted to thank.

I always hope that they weren't offended and somehow just knew I was moved to tears by the kindness.

At the time I was so blown away with all the gorgeous love which arrived in the shape of presents that I thought I would totally remember. But no.

:(

Oh yes, def Pomtastic for number 3. I had a really tough first 2 wks with my 6lb 5oz DD not gaining weight properly - long story short, I had a "duvet day" (or tried to, if my kind, well-meaning but interfering DSFIL had just buggered off...) and it helped BIG time. I spent time on skin-to-skin with her, eating & drinking plenty, dozing on & off with her, feeding her whenever she even smacked her lips. I would love the luxury of that again, with DC#2 but with my DD being 2.5 at the EDD, I doubt I'll get it!!!

It's amazing what a difference just relaxing and going with the flow does. Plus, I wasn't sure the skin-to-skin would work at 2wks old, but it was worth a go & we both had a lovely day :)

yy to burning with shame GinPalace - 4 years on I still cringe when remembering the remaining handful of wedding present thank you's that didn't get sent. Now I can add a mountain of unsent lovely baby present thank you's too

RE notes, I was devastated to loose my notes BUT if you go on your hospitals website they should have a section under Patient services or similar where you can send off for photocopies of your maternity notes. I have done this after the birth of all my children as you
a) have no recollection of anything the day after the birth and your brain goes to mush...so you will have to read up on what actually went on to puzzle the pieces together
b) there will be interestting notes in there that you didnt realize happened and that might just explain things more clearly.

Some hospitals will charge approx 10 pounds for the service, others up to 50. Be precise in your instructions that you want your MATERNITY and LABOUR NOTES only otherwise you will get your entire file photocopied which might be very expensive in the end.....
It is well worth it and I keep thinking maybe my children will want to read it one day or get some kind of use of knowing!?? Anyway reading the notes later on made alot of sense to me and puzzled together what actually happened...when I could read what the drs and midwifes had written....:)

What a great list. Why are these sorts of things never told to first time mums?

I'd only add that I wish someone would have told me just how much I'd bleed (and for how long) after delivery. I literally had no idea , oh, and take the pads available at hospital - they're much better than the ones you can buy.

And you can't have too many baby vests, yes, M&S and M&P ones are super, but supermarket ones are just as good (some of mine lasted 3+ babies), especially Tescos and Sainsburys ones. They're really cheap and you do sometimes go through one per nappy change.

And BF...later down the line, if you do stop rather than 'tail off gradually' you'll get all the symptoms in no.18, again. I stopped DD1 at 12 months and it was horrific, but no advice was given to me on how to stop, and I didn't know to tail off and it was horrendous. Tailed off gradually with the second 2 though.

Am expecting DC4 now, and am amazed at how much I've forgotten. Many thanks for a great thread.

Almost every Health care professional will tell you of the dangers of co-sleeping. Research shows this is simply not true. You may have no intention of co-sleeping, I know I never even thought about it. But like many new parents you wake up and they are in your arms, so you put them in their cot, and they wake up, you cry as well. They have spent 9 months inside you and suddenly society expects them to sleep by themselves, some do, some don't.
So, my advise, before you get to tired to read, find out how to co-sleep safely. Set your self up to co-sleep safely and if you wake up with them in your arms you can confidently go back to sleep. You may not really have a say in it.
Remember everybody is trying to make money out of you, most things aren't necessary, some things might be handy, only a few things you really need.

Great list, well done on getting this all down when you have such a tiny baby!

I have one to add: write things down. I really regretted not recording more, especially when dd2 came along. I know you shouldn't compare but it is lovely to look back and see what the first was doing at that point etc. And always always always write down all the cutisms (eg the funny little things they say). Along the same lines, make sure you take lots of videos as well as pictures when they start talking, their little cute voices when they are toddlers (getting a little misty-eyed here...)

Can you tell my babies have grown up? The youngest starts school this year. Yikes!

1. How much you bleed immediately post-birth

1. Not to potty-train a toddler shortly before the baby is born

Oh yes clothes, think about the size of you and your DP. I didn't. DP is very tall, all his family are. My Dad is tall, and I clearly take after him. So unsurprisingly my DS's went though sizes at a horrific rate, and I never even bought newborn size. The funky expensive box of socks (0-6 month) socks I bought where to small for both when they where born.

Ohh I love this thread, thank you mumsnet :)

Good points on the bleeding - for me worth adding that I was prepared for serious bleeding and had pretty much a regular period for me. 5 days bleeding and 5 days tapering off. I have a feeling they may Hoover some out in a CS, not sure... maybe one to ask if you are having a CS! Another one of those things that I guess varies wildly - helpful!!

NotnowBernard my ds will be 2.4 when next dc is born this October. Do you think the next 5 months counts for the advice not to potty train shortly before new baby ??

I was thinking it might be better trying then, than waiting for after and ds still being in nappies at 3yo?

ginPalace dd1 was 2.3 when dd2 was born and I left potty training until after the baby was born as she wasn't quite ready beforehand. As it turned out she was ready fairly soon after the baby was born and sort of did it herself which was easy - except then you are scrabbling around looking for the potty with a baby hanging off your breast! Just remember to keep the potty somewhere close by at all times...