Due in October 2012 Part 2

[YompingJo]

Kicking off the second thread as we outgrew the first one.

hey,

feel a bit rubbish for being on here today. Came home early from work. I only had a meeting in the afternoon that I'm a bit superfluous for anyway, I wouldn't have gone home if I had patients to see, I NEVER let patients down, but I still feel ashamed and crap that I asked to go early. They said it was ok, but I feel like a fraud. I haven't had any time off for pregnancy yet. I wasn't planning to have any until I really needed it, and I don't feel THAT ill today. And no one knows I'm pregnant (even though I clearly look tired and nauseous ALL the time).

I don't even know what it is today, I feel sick and tired and can't stop crying right now and will probably regret posting this (I try to stay positive on message boards and that), I can't shake feeling sick and hungry (despite big lunch) and simultaneously I'm worried that I'm not really pregnant, even though that's ridiculous. Everyone here keeps saying they look pregnant or people are spotting it but I'm over 9 weeks now and all my clothes fit just the same, I don't know if this is a good or bad thing... and I'm being totally irrational and feel like I'm a fat girl and that's why I'm not showing (I'm not fat, I'm a size 10 or 8 or something). I know why I feel like I'm fat, it's because I'm eating more than usual to try and counteract the nausea, and exercising less. But my clothes fit the same. I don't understand how I can be upset about all these things which contradict each other at the same time. I'm so worried all this is for nothing and I'm not even pregnant or something is wrong. I won't have a scan until 11-12 weeks and I feel like a fraud.

And I'm just having a freak out because my current job is easy hours and I get to sit down and I get breaks sometimes and I'm STILL exhausted. It's just not like hospital work, and from April I'm back on the on-call rota, with weekends, evening, night shifts, long days, I'm rota-ed on for 15 days in a row at one point, and I'll be on my feet all day and the patients will be really sick (not like now, all coughs and colds) and I'm on the cardiac arrest team and I will have to be 100% and I'm sure the momentum/stress/adrenaline will carry me through (it always has before, I worked HORRIFIC jobs and hours last year) but I'm just scared. I can go to occupational health but I don't know when to do it - I'm dreading starting a new job - hi I'm your new SHO, by the way I'm pregnant - and everyone being really disappointed in me before I've even started, so I'll probably try and go a month without telling them just so they don't hate me straight away. And I keep reading stories about doctors who were told by occupational health they shouldn't work nights/oncalls/physically demanding stuff heavily pregnant but in reality there was just no one else to cover (we're always short staffed. always) and were still on nights at 37 weeks.

I don't know, I'm being completely irrational and pathetic.

And exhale...pregnancy madness sets in!
Squid - is this your first? If yes, you'll probably not show for ages yet. I think it's likely the second timers (plus) who say they are showing now. With my first, I didn't tell them at work until 5.5 months and NOONE guessed. Now, at 7 weeks, I look like I did at about 4 months last time.

resipsa So sorry you have such uncertainty. Nobody can second guess what may happen but if the sonographer said it was looking pessimistic then this must have to be seen as the most likely outcome. I know it is hard but try and take your mind of it as much as you can (watch a funny movie, have a massage - anything that will even temporarily stop you thinking about it). In my experience the only really 2 dramatic pregnancy losses I suffered were ectopic (ambulance, resus - bloody awful) and when I miscarried at 12 weeks (that was quite 'bloody - sorry TMI). All the others have started gradualy and often the pain comes first so there is a warning. It is unlikely to be something that couldn't mean you could get yourself home and into bed quick smart. Although that is based on my own expereince.

Like Beans says - tell someone - honestly it is at times like this you need your friends. I have gone down both paths and I have found telling people and getting their support by far the best option. I just don't always tell my Mum know as she worries too much which worries me.

Sending love and hugs. Keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on.

Squidkidd awwww love! Don't do this to yourself! Read through the thread - pretty much everyone of us is having some kind of meltdown, and I mean that in the nicest possible way :)

I keep eating and eating and eating and I'm terrified I'll have to start wearing a mumu :(

You can be upset about all these contradictory things for all the same reasons I cried over nuts in my teeth - because we're pregnant :) My mum said these first few months will be like the worst PMT of you life. I wondered how bad it would be because my PMT never made me irritable. Now I just have the RAGE. And then I cry. And then I'm cooing over cute ducks in the park.

Your hormones are messing with you. Please lovely, recognise it for what it is and do not beat yourself up. Someone on another thread really made me laugh the other night because she demanded her DH go get her a Twix, then when she ate it she cried and threw the rest at his head because although it looked like a Twix, it no longer tasted like a Twix.

Someone else had me in hysterics because she said she cried because the ducks in the park looked bored. I mean....bored ducks made her cry!

With regards to your job, I don't have any concrete advice because I can't imagine the work, never having done it. But just remember - you are not here to beat yourself up. Do not subscribe to what you only think others are thinking about you :)

angelico - we just kept a bottle of ACV in the shower. Pour it on, wait a bit, wash it off. A spray bottle would probably be better. I often use it between shampoo & conditioner to remove shampoo residue (like a 'clarifying' shampoo, but better.)

squidkid you're not mad.

I have been sitting here in my comfortable home office with all the energy of a dessicated snail, hardly able to concentrate on typing, wondering whether to pull the plug. It's disgraceful. I haven't done anything that I consider Proper Work all day, I'm so tired, and I don't even have to go into an office or talk to customers and I'm thinking of bailing on my working day just becasue I'm tired! (Or, as my mind is telling me, 'not tired- WEAK.'

Actually look at me, I'm about to start crying typing this. Oh no, wait, I actually am crying. Nuts.

Someone tell me I'm not a terrible employee? Yes, that is a direct fish for support.

Resipsa - keeping fingers crossed for you.

Thanks for reassurance from other peeps with few symptoms!

Chrissie - following on from last sentence - I was getting paranoid because really don't feel like any tangible proof of baby yet.I knew I was pregnant 4 days before AF was due, had booking appt with midwife at 5+5 - and then my bloody scan date is for when I'm 13+4!!! It just felt so far away! So DH and I agreed to get a scan sort of half way in between. It's our first baby so all feels a bit unreal - think I need proof the bean is there IYSWIM. Also a lot of people were getting early scans at the time (couple of weeks ago) because of spotting or previous MC so the one and only downside of being on the board was that early scans came to seem the norm somehow and I was thinking, "Eeek! No early scan for me? How do I know there's a bean?!" Mad I know. If I hadn't been on board wouldn't have been any the wiser about early scans and probably would have accepted a first scan at 20 weeks as normal.

Squid do go easy on yourself - I think a lot of trainee doctors put themselves and each other under huge pressure to be superhuman at times. I had a couple of good friends at college who were med students and now doctors and we used to call one of them the Bionic Man - he never seemed to stop. His wife was the same and she found slowing down for pregnancy tough - just used to a different pace. Be kind to yourself :) x

Thanks for ACV tip Zoe!

Zoe - sending you a hug. Tell the crazy to shut the hell up, you're pregnant not weak! :) x

... wow, thanks so much guys. You're all very kind. I've had a cry and a clementine and a power nap and feeling a bit more human and tomorrow's another day etc etc. I have to stop beating myself up about how "easy" the current job is and just take advantage of it eh...

bettybat Your stories made me laugh too! mostly the twix. My poor boyfriend has been getting "I'm fat!" and "I'm not showing!" simultaneously, he is being very patient. I am normally better than most girls with not being too critical of my body as well...

Zoe You're not a terrible employee... if I worked from home I am pretty sure I would find an excuse to do nothing at all. I can only seem to motivate myself when faced with actual patients. My paperwork is piling up and I can't make myself care...

resipsa It is my first yeah. I'm sorry, I hadn't read back all the comments before posting, all my thoughts are with you and I hope it ends up being better news than you expect. It's very kind of you to bother with my whinging when you have something potentially serious going on.

bettybat LMAO at the examples of crazy - Twix hurler, bored ducks etc :o

angelico thanks.. I know the culture I work in is a bit ridiculously hardcore, it's hard not to think you have to be like everyone around you.

I know what you mean about waiting for the scan as well I feel like everyone on this forum is having one early for one reason or another, but, well, I refuse, because I've been lucky enough to have no concerning problems and I don't like unnecessary medical care and if NICE guidelines say 12 weeks that's good enough for me. I do feel really impatient though... and it's my first too so I worry/wonder what is actually going on. I keep telling myself our mums and grandmas had no scans at all!

Agree with what's been said squid. The tiredness is unbelievable these first months but it does actually lessen once you're into the second trimester. I think you did the right thing listening to your body and taking the time to rest while you can. means that when you do need the energy, like tomorrow say, you should have it IYKWIM?

Zoe you're not alone - I'm sat at my desk in an open plan office using every ounce of energy I have just to continue sitting up and keep my eyes open. I literally need matchsticks. Am exhausted today. So there is no energy for anything else apart from staying upright at work today!

Beans Me too!

I was supposed to be on some big global call, justifying what I do and how I do it...and I couldn't have cared less!

While we're having a general whine about work, can we vote on the least "human" form of office worker? As in the least likely to share your good news with a smile cause they are too busy wondering what impact your pregnancy will have on them, the budget, world peace etc?
I'm a lawyer and so work with lots of other lawyers and wonder if there is an element of the disturbed about most of them. I've been back from maternity leave less than a month and after Day 2, not a single person asked me about DD. A bunch of weirdos or normal?

Squidkid just read your post. Sounds like work is pretty hardcore so you will need to make allowances for yourself. As much as we try to keep going sometimes that just isn't always possible. Cut yourself some slack. As for not looking pregnant - I didn't for my first and I still don't now - just thicker round the waist. Just a bit dumpy looking (and it is my 9th bleeding pregnancy). As for early scans - until 8 weeks they tell you bugger all really so our pregnancies are no more or more real than yours.

2nd trimester I was all perky with DD - totally loved it, so cut yourself slack now and then work like a dog then. Honestly it is a cruel twist of nature that when we feel the pits we are soldering on and not telling people. Mother Nature can be a bitch sometimes.

As for work - it is almost impossible focusing on mundane matters of other people when all you really care about is sleeping, vomiting on your shoes or bored ducks. The only time I can really focus is when mentally busy - otherwise I just drift into the land of far far away.

I am currently hiding in the kitchen after being overcome with an irrational fear that the carpet fitters will poison the bean with their stinky new carpets and sprays.

respisa ha ha, I like that. I work in 'media and communications' so everyone in my team is loud and self-obsessed... probably myself included. If I come in with a new haircut or a new dress, I am studiously ignored by all the other women !

Our finance team are the most hilarious. Whenever I go in their office there is complete silence and you can hear a pin drop. If I ring one of them from my desk (you can see number dialling so they know it's an internal call) it goes to voicemail but then whoever I have tried to phone will email me back a bit later on. Maybe there is a policy in their that no one is allowed to speak? - or actually maybe it's just me... (gets paranoid).

Wow, this thread has helped immensley today, starting with squidkidd's and all the lovely thoughtful responses to that. I woke this morning to no boob ache, first time in 7 weeks, got worried and instead of feeling relief, then felt overwhelmed with nausea, then over did it with the self tan so I look awful (and that's on top of this pregnancy doing nothing for my appearance - where's that rosy complexion???), I'm so tired I keep bumping into crap, then read this story in the local metro about a horse that nearly drowned but it's owner stayed with it and the pictures were so moving that I started crying and haven't stopped feeling tearful all day. I want to go home but I don't want to tell people why so I'm hiding, luckliy my job means I move about a lot so I've gone to a less familiar office base where I can check in but not have to be totally on the ball.... oh dear...

On the work front. I have the bigest job interview of my life next Tuesday. Instead of wondering how I will impress them I am wondering how I will stay awake. I am guessing if caffine is frowned apon coccaine may be a bad idea? And I feel like I am starting on a dishonest front. What are your key strengths? Farting and holding in my pooh for 3 days?

repsina I'm a lawyer (well not in private practice anymore) so I know that kind of response! Although TBH I think it is kind of normal, particularly in a high-stress/crazy job. I admit I never really used to asked people back from maternity/paternity leave about their kids... well because they're somebody else's kids so I don't really care!!! I know that probably sounds dreadful but I remember being in practice to be too busy to really want to have to make small talk with my colleagues when I just need to ask them something -work related.

Had an interesting chat with the two ladies I work with - obv they don't know I'm preg yet, but we were chatting about maternity leave etc (the person who heads our sister NGO project somewhere else is preg with DC2, and there is a lot of fretting apparently about who will cover her). I guess they were a bit because I fall into the camp of believing that having children is your choice/a lifestyle choice and you have to make the necessary accommodations/sacrifices in your career to deal with it (whether you're a man or a woman!). I don't think women should be made to feel bad about having kids, but I also sympathise with small employers (and having been a line manager, I know what a massive pain it is when a staff member goes on mat leave, whilst also being very happy for them and not wanting to make them feel bad). It's such a hard one. In the end I always just gaze longingly at Scandinavian models of parental leave that treat men and women equally, and are paid for by high taxes (that society has decided they want to impose).... rather than the half-arsed system that seems to exist everywhere else (at least the countries I've lived in). I think I just came out sounding like some kind of Tory-bot horror to my colleagues which I most definitely am not... I hope

Getting far too deep here. But it has been playing on my mind since we had our little office mini-debate here! As for myself, my contract is till the end of the year but I am not going to take paid maternity leave (even tho am entitled to it) . I'm going to suggest that I do some of what I do by contract/freelance, because I think that will give me more flexibility.

Beans - like your finance geeks colleagues, I too am guilty of preferring to email than talk. I pretend that it's because I like a paper trail but really it's cause I just want to say what I want to say and not hear anything in return. And pregnanacy just seems to exacerbate this trait...
Midgetm - I will pay you real money if you actually say that on Tuesday.

Midgetm, your entry made me laugh so unexpectedly that I had to blow my nose, and I no longer look like I'm deep in thought over some work doc! I can also burp and like to go to the loo about every 30 minutes. We shouldn't be underestimating these skills.

LOL that should've been resipsa... sorry... lol lol I get your screen name now .

resipsa I don't think they are that bizarre tbh, especially if lots of them are childless. There really is nothing more boring than other people's children, especially babies. I know that sounds awful but people in work used to talk about their kids and the boringness of their lives and I used to think, "Kill me now!" I've softened a bit now that I'm married /pregnant but one of my friends in work who is childless unmarried etc still rolls her eyes when people say anything about babies, weddings etc. It all feels so boring and irrelevant unless you're doing it yourself. No doubt I will become one of the storytelling culprits myself when bean arrives :o

Squidkid surprisingly my mum said the opposite was true - she got scanned MILLIONS of times! Apparently they used to just scan you every time you had an appt with the midwife. Those were the days...! :) Joking aside, we wavered over booking but SIL went to her 14 week scan a few weeks ago thinking all was well and found the bean had died some time before :( It left me feeling like - if anything is wrong I would rather know sooner than that far along. I'd also like to have a pic of the bean (even if it's basically of a white blob ). I think it's also nice for the bean when he / she is older to have a pic - I would have been fascinated! :o

MidgetM your interview technique is priceless! :o I would totally give you the job but then I feel your pain :o

Good luck for your job interview midgetm! Teehee some days that feels like all the skills I have....