Help me - I want to keep this baby. Please be honest.

[Boltless]

I am going through a divorce, having been unhappily married for 7 years. I have 2 children with my (former) husband (both under 7). He and I were initially in agreement that the marriage should end, but he is finding the process very difficult and is currently very bitter and hostile.

I have started (resumed?) a relationship with someone I have known for years. It is still early days, but we have always been good friends (despite deliberately staying out of each other's lives when we got married to other people) and it's lovely to have this very easygoing, mutually supportive relationship in the background, even though my primary focus is managing the end of my marriage properly, for the sake of my children. We live a long way apart (and both have a lot to sort out in our personal lives), so only see each other once every 10 days or so.

I have fallen pregnant. The child is my friend's.

I have 2 young children and I worry desperately for the impact upon them. The practical difficulties, the potential for gossip, the financial worries. My husband would be incredibly hurt, angry and bitter about it and, i suspect, not be too averse to seeking to undermine my relationship with my children. He is rather prone to bleating on about perceived unfairness in front of the children (which is awful - and no amount of pleading will make him stop).

My friend is going through a very difficult divorce as well. He has a young child.

My husband has always harboured hostility for my friend. Rightly, I suppose. We have never had a relationship before, but there has always been an edge to our friendship. My friend's wife has also always disliked me, for similar reasons.

I have a reasonable job (not exactly high-flying, but comfortable and with a decent range of perks).

It would be so difficult.

I can't bear the thought of terminating the pregnancy. I can't bear the thought of making my children's lives more difficult than they already will be.

Help me. Please be honest.

Poor you. It sounds very difficult.

Poor you, what a difficult position to be in.

Have you told your friend? What does he say?

My mum was in your position, she had the baby - she was leaving my dad anyway, she had 2 dd's under 9yrs and her now dh had 2 ds's under 10, they coped brilliantly and are still besotted with each other 23yrs later and we all love my little brother who is now 21.

I know it seems messy now but where there is a will there is a way imo.

I'm a strong believer in things happen for a reason, fate, whatever you want to call it.

Good luck!

Your line about terminating the pregnancy is the most telling.

It will be hard, your husband will blame you to add to your guilt as will the new partners wife.

But there will be light at the end of the tunnel even though a new baby will be hard, like a new start for you and your partner.A new chapter in both of your lives. I'm not suggesting that this is without your children or indeed you will be a happy family, but you might eventually.

Divorce is hard on the children especially if one partner is unhappy at this.
People will always gossip until they have something new to gossip about.

Honestly?

What does your heart tell you to do? Not about what your STBXH will think, not about what the father's ex will think, but what do you WANT to do, deep down in your heart. Forget the practicalities.

FWIW, I think based on what you've said about your ex in the OP, that it wouldn't matter who you were with or if this were to happen years down the line
If you think he will try to undermine your relationship with your children he will try to do that anyway, no matter what you say or do about anything. Don't plead with him not to bleat on about being unfair because he won't listen. If he's on the doorstep banging on about fairness, close the door. If he's on the phone, put the phone down. His feelings are not your problem.

Don't terminate this pregnancy based on what you think he will say or try to do, because ultimately, it's got nothing to do with him.

And sod gossip. There is really very little to gossip about. You had a husband. You split up. You met someone else. You fell pregnant. Happens to people all the time.

If you want the baby and can't bear to terminate the pregnancy, then don't.

The new baby could be the new start you need (and sound like you deserve) - nothing like a new life to give everyon something new and exciting to focus on. Try to turn the situation into a positive - what a lovely start to the new year! I hope that doesn't sound flipant - your situation sounds awful but really, what's a bit of gossip when you so obviously don't want to terminate? Hugs hun - keep your chin up :)

If your STBXH is prone to bleating and moaning in front of the kids, he will do it anyway no matter whether there is a new baby or not. So I wouldn't allow that to be a factor in your decision.

Obviously it's slightly awkward and embarassing that people may presume things were going on while you were both still married but there is nothing you can do about that other than head into it face on and try to tough it out.

It'll be a nine day wonder for the gossips and anyway gossips aren't worth bothering about. I wouldn't allow them to be a factor in your decision either.

The only thing you need to worry about is your children. You are carrying their brother or sister. They love you. You are their Mother. Things may be difficult but maybe not as difficult as you may think.

If your gut instinct is to keep the baby then I would go with that. The divorces will be sorted in due course and things won't seem so bad. Best of luck OP whatever you decide to do. x

Bless you all. I am so afraid and alone. I can't tell you how much your kindness means to me.

Is there anyone who can see the other side? 3 men know (my friend, his best mate and an old friend of mine) and they are all far more swayed by the practicalities. I know I have set the tone by stating that I want to keep the baby, but I am painfully aware of the other side of this. I almost want someone to tell me I'm being self indulgent and stupid.

The people who asked what my friend thinks: he is torn in two. Overjoyed by the news, yet so very aware of the difficulties. Because he will be so far away (for now, anyway), he is also worried that I will be exposed to abuse by my ex (who has a record of such stuff) and that he won't be there to take care of me.

I live a long way from my friends and family; I am pretty much devoid of adult support unless I move, which seems like an additional disruption for my children. Plus, to be fair to my ex, he is a devoted father (notwithstanding the self-pitying stuff he says in front of the kids) and he would be gutted if I took them away. He would probably move to be near us, I think.

By the way: my heart? 100% yes.

... aside from the fear it might be difficult for my other two children.

I am thinking in terms of three children. I feel I have three.

Such a fucking mess.

I think it will be difficult for you, yes, if you keep your baby. But I would still keep it, I think, having done the difficult situation thing with both of my pregnancies, the baby is always worth it.

I am heartened to hear that your old friend is delighted. It's good that you can both see the potential for awkwardness as you will both be prepared to deal with this.

I think you should keep a child you are both pleased about and will love.
That's just me though and I am not you.

just adding a hand to hold either way x

You are the one who has to live with the decision - not friends of friends. These people are not the ones who would have to go through a termination.

It's very easy to stand back and take a practical view when it's not a decision they'll EVER have to make for themselves (simply on the basis of a termination is ultimately the decision of a woman, not of a man, and these are men that you have spoken to) The practicalities of a situation now are not going to be the same practicalities involved in one, five, ten years time. Practicalities are things that can be worked around.

You have time to build a support network around you if you choose to have the baby.

What I mean is, neither of my children's fathers wanted their children. So bearing that in mind, and I survived and have two lovely childen who are happy - well as much as normal kids are happy anyway! - I think you're in a kind of privileged position, having the baby's father's support.

As long as you trust him to do his best, even if he can't always be there, you're onto a good thing. Animosity can make any pregnancy feel like hell on earth. Goodwill between the parents of the unborn child is a precious thing.

Hope that's not the wrong thing to say. Thngs could be worse but they could also be better, I know that. If your heart says keep the baby, keep it as it will be your heart that suffers if you don't.

If you don't want to terminate then you are keeping the baby. Look at it this way, it is a clear sign to your abusive STBEH that you are moving on and are beyond his reach.

No problems are insurmountable. Stop fretting and start planning. You have a nursery to decorate, maternity leave to organise and loads of other things to do other than worry. You are having a baby in not the best of circumstances agreed but what would be ideal? What is ideal?

Start getting excited.

You both want the child despite the inevitable problems. I think you should go for it. It sound like you both love the child already and this will make any difficulties worthwhile.

It's a tough decision though - good luck.

You don't have to tell your ex who the baby's father is, do you?

You could tell him that you have a new relationship, but with whom is none of his business.

He might suspect or your other DCs might say something but still - none of his business.

You call him your husband, but he won't be your husband for much longer. And, sorry to sound harsh, but the reason people get divorced is so that they don't have to consider each other's feelings any more. In short, if he is "hurt, angry and bitter " he's just going to have to find a way of dealing with it.

If you were to have a termination, it would have to be because of what YOU did or did not want. Your ex-husband's feelings on the matter do not come into it.

It need not be a mess! Why are you taking your XH feelings into consideration?? He is your ex!! It sounds like hell find something to grab hold of-so if you want this baby have it!! Im sure your other children will love having a new baby bother/sister.
You have to find a new home anyway, so that wont change baby or not! Sounds like your ex wants to in his DC life still so youll have a bit of support there with those 2!! Surely life would be more stress free apart from your XH so that would allow room for a bit of baby stress!!
If deep down you want this baby & you terminate you`ll only have regrets later on IMHO.
Sorry-did not mean to all ranty & preachy, just wanted to try & help.

I was reading in red magazine about a woman who was pg, 20, new relationship and living in a squat. She kept the baby and the experience encouraged her to write a novel and her son has a scholarship to a school of music. Don't just think about how hard this will be, it might be the most amazing and wonderful thing that could happen. If you have made the decision to keep the baby, it might be the beginning not the end. Stick with what you want, could you live with the termination? I feel for you, here's a virtual hug.

Thank you for your replies ... I really need the sisterhood, iykwim. My ex is such a bully (it's why I'm getting out) and I am so very tired of fighting him.

He is going to go absolutely fucking mental when he finds out. He/this is my biggest fear. He has been hateful to me in the last few months and I just want to get away.

I can't terminate a baby because of it, though.

If you want to keep the baby then do it. Its of course going to affect other peoples feelings but as long as you are sensitive to this (especially his young child) im sure things will be ok.
I left my violent ex taking our 2yr old ds.I knwe i was pg but kept it quiet cos i didnt want people to pressure me to terminate (i was 19) I was fine,found it easy tbh with no man to try and please.Ds2 is now 25 and just lovely.

100% yes to keeping the baby I presume you meant?

If so - then don't even think about a termination. You will not forgive yourself if you feel this strongly about keeping the baby. No-one else, not even your 'friend' would have to go through the termination - you would. You would have to live with it forever and if it's not something you want to do - that is going to have a negative impact on your other childrens life - far more than keeping the baby would.

Don't let yourself be pushed into this.

Why on earth would you terminate a pregnancy because of the thoughts and feeling of a soon to be ex abusive, bullying husband?

You are getting out of the relationship so you can make your own decisions. Start here and now.

Captain your own ship.

Oh golly. I can see why you are afraid. It's really hard not to feel securely attached to someone when you are pregnant, particularly if you know it will make someone else angry.

My advice is not to tell your ex, at all, anything about this baby or relationship until you absoultely have to, and you feel stronger.

Don't get into a panic and decide he deserves to know immediately. It is not his business. It's nothing to do with him. He has the right to father another child from this point on, because you are not in a relationship with him, and this freedom works both ways.

If you have to tell him, tell him your child's father knows, is supportive and is a very close friend and that the pregnancy was not planned, nor were you seeing each other before you separated from him.

You can only tell the truth and stand by it as hard as you can. You've done nothing wrong.
Have you any family who will stand by you while your friend sorts out his circumstances? You will feel better with some support IRL. Also talk to your HV and anyone else you can, to get a network together. Every person on your side helps, believe me.

Remember: it's your decision, not your ex husband's. How long till your divorce is through? I ask as if he wants to get technical, I read on here I think that babies born during marriage can be said to 'belong' to the husband, or something like that - in terms of responsibility? I'm not sure of the details - but you might want to check it out just in case he gets funny about the divorce. Leave telling him for as long as possible anyway. Hope that doesn't scare you, it just occurred to me.