Help me - I want to keep this baby. Please be honest.

[Boltless]

I am going through a divorce, having been unhappily married for 7 years. I have 2 children with my (former) husband (both under 7). He and I were initially in agreement that the marriage should end, but he is finding the process very difficult and is currently very bitter and hostile.

I have started (resumed?) a relationship with someone I have known for years. It is still early days, but we have always been good friends (despite deliberately staying out of each other's lives when we got married to other people) and it's lovely to have this very easygoing, mutually supportive relationship in the background, even though my primary focus is managing the end of my marriage properly, for the sake of my children. We live a long way apart (and both have a lot to sort out in our personal lives), so only see each other once every 10 days or so.

I have fallen pregnant. The child is my friend's.

I have 2 young children and I worry desperately for the impact upon them. The practical difficulties, the potential for gossip, the financial worries. My husband would be incredibly hurt, angry and bitter about it and, i suspect, not be too averse to seeking to undermine my relationship with my children. He is rather prone to bleating on about perceived unfairness in front of the children (which is awful - and no amount of pleading will make him stop).

My friend is going through a very difficult divorce as well. He has a young child.

My husband has always harboured hostility for my friend. Rightly, I suppose. We have never had a relationship before, but there has always been an edge to our friendship. My friend's wife has also always disliked me, for similar reasons.

I have a reasonable job (not exactly high-flying, but comfortable and with a decent range of perks).

It would be so difficult.

I can't bear the thought of terminating the pregnancy. I can't bear the thought of making my children's lives more difficult than they already will be.

Help me. Please be honest.

Don't tell anyone who you can't trust to be on your side 100% and not tell your STBXH. Move things along with the divorce, physically one of you moving out of the house etc (it sounds like you are still living together??) and create as much distance as you can before you are showing and he will need to be told.

I would move to be near friends & family - the kids will adjust and even if your STBXH does move there too, at least you will have support around you to deal with him.

Ordinarily I'd feel sorry for your H, but he sounds like a nasty, bullying man - so I have no sympathy for him.

I do feel sorry for your 'friend's' wife - this is really going to hurt, but you can't have a termination to stop that. You and him getting together is going to hurt her anyway, the baby is just the icing on the cake and of course will definietly 'date' your sexual relationship starting so he wont be able to deny anything happened until after they'd split up - it's no wonder he's quite keen for you to have a termination

How would it work if you kept the baby? Would you and new man find somewhere together? Is he up for this? Will your two dcs cope with the change? Will you be able to afford the baby? All this matters as well. If it is doable, work out the how.

If it were me, I would get away from your ex-husband if you possibly can maybe rent else-where/stay with a friend (don't live in fear from anyone.) Gather your true thoughts. Everyone has stories and twists and turns in life, we can't judge each other. I think you want this baby. If you can cope with having it even if your friend decided that your relationship isn't long term, then why the heck not? Its your life and your body. Your children I'm sure will all get on well. I had a termination and then the father became my husband. I knew it was right at the time but it still makes me sad. I have his dd and one more in my tum!! Its a big decision but whichever way must be YOUR WAY. Take excellent care.

If you choose to not abort this baby just think the position you will be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years from now. Your ex will be bullying and trying to hurt you regardless of what has happened, the gossip will be rife whilst you divorce anyway but all those things will be a long distant memory whilst you have a new life to watch unfold. I have to say I know it doesn't look like it right now, but this is a wonderful thing to have happened. You will share the raising of a child with your friend. Goodness only knows, in a good way, what the future holds. You don't want to live life carrying secrets especially when you don't need to, they can be so heavy and unnecessary. Abortions do not erase the past, they create an alternate future IYSWIM.
The uncomfortable gossip, short term hardships are bumps in the road. You can hopefully see past them.

You just do you very best to protect yourself and children from harm and secure your future.

Congratulations on your family you seem a brave woman to me, a good role model.

I have to question just how great a dad a bully can be :(

The 'bleating on' about how unfair things are is still a way of bullying you, the implied threat of trying to turn your children against you is still bullying, and NO great dad would even think about using his children as a weapon in such away.

And now that you've said that, it makes me wonder if you moved, would he follow you because he's a great dad, or because he's a bully who wants to carry on making your life a misery and will follow you to do it.

If he goes mental and shows signs of violence, then you've shown yourself that you've done absolutely the right thing by divorcing him (well done you :)) and he then shows his true colours - I don't think a violent man can be a good dad.

Captain my own ship. I like that.

You ladies are doing a wonderful thing today. I know that sounds cheesy, but - you know. Think of what you're doing.

Thank you x

Does your friend/partner know? He should have a say surely?

Keep the baby and start a new loving life with new partner/friend. It sounds like the perfect opportunity to start over again. It sound like your STBXH will find any reason to be a git anyway.

Thank you.

Re my friend's wife: they separated a year ago, he moved out last spring and she has been in a relationship with another man for the last 18 months.

She's still dependent on him financially. Plays him beautifully. His choice, though ... I don't want to force anyone's hand. I'm not happy about it, but we are friends first and foremost.

Actually, I agree about not telling my ex-h. I have been building up to telling him this week, but - actually? Fuck it. I don't owe him anything. He is such an abusive bastard.

Let me change the locks first.

It seems to me that Going through a termination when you want a child will lead to much more fallout than proceeding with the pregnancy.

Sorry just realised only half posted.

Meant to continue that although I usually prefer honesty I'd agree with not disclosing it to ex yet. It's easy to feel you should tell him because it would have been what you would do in the past but it doesn't involve him so much now. You're learning new habits which include not telling ex yet of things like this.

I think that the thought of an unplanned pregnancy is almost always worse than when the baby actually arrives. People then just accept/love it, even in surprising situations, I reckon.

Lostlady - such a simple point, but so true.

Thank you all so much. I am poring over your replies.

i was in a similar position to you..i was with my ex for 14yrs and we had 4 children together and i bumped into an old friend who made me realise..that i was wasting my time on this man and that he was a bully..called me names like fatty, slag etc..infront of my children so i made the hard decision to leave him and i became much closer to my old friend..so much so that almost 3yrs dwn the line we are now living togther and get on so well we dont argue or say mean things to each other and it was hard to start with..but the kids have adapted and they still see there dad and they know that we both still love them.. we just dont love each other anymore. He has a previous child from his ex wife..they had already seperated when we began our relationship, and the children have accepted him and welcomed his son with open arms. He is 4 yrs old. Children have an amazing way of adapting to situations and they will surprize you. I would embrace this baby as a new start. And try to keep your children involved in things to do with the new baby, decorating babies room, choosing a name or middle name for the baby, and then when born im sure they will be fine..only difference with me is i didnt fall pregnant and we are now trying but unfortunately nothing seems to be happenening but we will keep going. Good luck and i am sure it will all work its self out.

Thank you for your stories :-) It's lovely to read happy endings.

QT: that is one of my issues. The fact i call this baby's father 'my friend' speaks volumes, really. I love him (have for years), and he says he loves me, I don't really feel able to count on him. Suppose i doubt his commitment. We could have been together 7 years ago, but he stayed with his girlfriend (later wife).

So, effectively, i'm making the choice to have a third baby as a single
mother. Anything else is an extra. I have to know i can cope alone.

Missed out the word 'but' ... ^ i live him but i doubt his commitment

Love him, that is (ffs).

You are divorcing, the father is divorcing. This is 2012 I really don't think any one will gossip for more than 0.5 seconds.

Yes, your ex will be annoyed, but if it weren't about this it would be something else. If you have enough love to give to 3 DC, then you will also be adding a lot to your existing DC's lives. I think the positives of a new sibling will out weigh the difficulties for them.

So, effectively, i'm making the choice to have a third baby as a single
mother. Anything else is an extra. I have to know i can cope alone.

Having been a single mother (didn't give it any thought when I had my dd1 tbh, I was 16 and naieve) I did consider if I would be able to cope as a single mother again the 2nd time round (when I was older and wiser) and that was even with the fact I had been with (now) dh for a few years at that point but tbh I think it's something all women should consider when having their children because nothing is ever certain.

Friend is bottling it.

I am losing my courage.

I think you need to be brave and come to a decision based on the premise that you are going to have to raise this child as a lone parent and any support you receive from the father will be a pleasant but unexpected bonus. I certainly wouldn't make a decision based on the assumption that you and he will be together or that he will be an amazing father.

If you feel that you do have the resources (both practical and emotional) to do this, then go for it. If you feel you could only parent this child if your friend steps up, I'd think twice.

Is there a counseling service you could access? It sounds to me as though you would benefit from talking to someone in RL who is not "involved" in the situation.

The other factors that you mention - gossip, feelings of your ex, feelings of friend's ex - I think you should set aside entirely. You cannot control those things and ultimately they are not important.

I agree that you need to be prepared to do this alone. It doesn't sound like you can necessarily rely upon your friend. Perhaps consider moving closer to other friends/family? You sound like a strong woman.

boltless What's changed since yesterday?

The basic questions remain the same, and they're all based on you and your feelings...do you want another baby/child/teenager (it's so easy to focus on the baby bit, but they have a habit of growing up)? Could you cope? If you feel you have little support, care there ways to build your support network? And do these considerations outweigh the feeling that you want your baby?

During early pg with DC3 I found out H was having an affair, and seriously considered a termination. I sat and wrote all the reasons that having another baby alone wouldn't work for me. It was a long list. But, I'm sitting with DC3, she's 2 now...all the pratical things did not overcome the deep feeling that I wanted and loved my baby. It's been a tough couple of years, but DC3 has been (mostly ) a delight and I never regret having her.

What's changed ... well, we exchanged a couple of texts in which I made it clear I was really struggling with the decision to end the pregnancy. And he was lovely (he is), but then nothing came back from him until about 8pm. At which time he said sorry and went on about a work crisis. Then said of course it was nothing to what I was going through.

It's not terrible, is it? But it's typical avoidance stuff. He is like that; he's a lovely bloke, but he's usually utterly shit at the big stuff. Disappears.

Anyone who knows me and loves me would have made damn sure we talked on the phone. And, yeah, I could have bombarded him with messages and called him, but I have to know he wants to do this. He melts under pressure.

The whole situation will bring out the worst in him and I suspect he will feel horribly trapped.

So I have to think about doing it all on my own. And, I suppose, without him in my life either way. If I terminate the pregnancy, I will blame him and if I keep the baby, he will blame me.

I have talked to an old friend. We've been through a lot of stuff together (not always very amiably, to be fair), but she is very similar to me in terms of emotional and practical balance, and I believe I can trust her utterly. Her assumption was that I would keep the baby, although she's now got the measure of my position and is being fair about the alternative.

I really, genuinely don't know what to do. Termination makes it all go away, but it is a devastating prospect. I could be 'free' of this dilemma by this time next week. It's so awful to feel relief, alongside the grief.

But, really - has ANYONE ever regretted a child? I love my children so very much; they are such joys. Why not a third?

(massive practical difficulty and the father's fecklessness).