Horrific experiences commuting while pregnant... anyone else?

[Sannebanana]

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet :) I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DD1 and am still working for a good 4 weeks yet due to my financial situation, meaning I am commuting into work on the underground. I've had a whole host of complications with this pregnancy, I'm currently at the stage where I'm using crutches every few days if that makes sense, I can go for 3 days or so fine but on day 4 I'm struggling and end up using crutches. I also have low blood pressure (I'm talking low low) and really start to struggle with the weight of my bump towards the end of the day, possibly due to being rather underweight prior to getting pregnant.

I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm coping and it's all going to be worth it when I have my DD, I'm sure, but I really am starting to lose it with all the people who simply refuse to give up their seat on the tube. Some days I get on and I don't feel too bad so I just stand, but other days I get on and I feel physically faint/about to collapse. So I've tried asking a million different ways as politely as possible, 'I'm 6 months pregnant, please may I have your seat?' and not once has anyone ever given me one. I've had death glares, I've had people ignore me completely, I've had people just refuse, and not politely, either. Now, I know there are going to be some people on the tube with their own medical conditions which mean they need to sit too, but surely not everyone I've travelled with since becoming visibly pregnant?

It got to the point this evening where I got onto the tube and was feeling physically faint, dizzy, blurred vision etc, no one offered me a seat so I asked a number of people if they would mind giving me theirs. I had a variety of responses, though no one actaully gave up their seat :( So I had to carry on standing, and 5 minutes later collapsed in the middle of a crowded carriage. No help was offered, admittedly I did come back around almost immediately but it took me a good few minutes to get myself off the floor. Managed to hold myself together until my stop, and just to top it all off as I was shuffling my way over to the door to get off, a business man who had witnessed the whole thing got up and said 'Oh, are you getting off now? I was just about to offer you my seat.' Could have slapped him.

So is it just me? Am I doing something wrong, because I've tried everything and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is? And does anyone have any clever tips they wouldn't mind sharing with me? Dreading getting back on the tube tomorrow, unfortunately it's the only way of getting to work :(

Agree with xmasbaby - I am sorry that you are having such a horrible time but struggling on like this (even for practical reasons) is unlikely to help you or your baby.

And I assume you have got proper legal advice about your ex- closure might mean birth for him but it doesn't in eyes of law as at very least should be paying proper maintenance for baby. I know this is obvious but it might help some of your concerns about timing of ml due to financial issues.

(Quietly agrees with posters above)

I didn't feel very clever with my first DC when my blood pressure rocketed at the end of pregnancy (I worked to 37 weeks - but I could walk to my desk job, so I really didn;t see any need to twiddle my thumbs at home).

I was fine, Dd was fine - but that was a high stress induction, consequent post partum haemorage and a loooong time to get back to feeling normal that I could have done without.

Gigondas- does DH have to pay child maintenance even if he wanted me to have an abortion? He's claiming he doesn't, that he's made his mind up and he wants no part of it, if I'm having this baby then I'm on my own. I'm ashamed to admit I haven't really done my homework on this one yet, it's on my to-do list but I'm yet to get that far down it. It's all been a bit of a shock to the system TBH.

God, what a cock. Sorry, but he is! Don't know what the legal situation is, but my instinct is that yes, he does. Anyone know for sure?

Of course he bloody does!

(What a wanker)

Does his mum know how he's behaving?

'Wanting' an abortion rather misses what abortions are for. From nhs.uk

"The Abortion Act 1967 covers the UK mainland (England, Scotland and Wales) but not Northern Ireland. The law states that:
?abortions must be carried out in a hospital or a specialised licensed clinic
?two doctors must agree that an abortion would cause less damage to a woman's physical or mental health than continuing with the pregnancy "

I don't see "deadbeat dad can't be arsed to pay maintenance" as a criteria there!

Sheesh! "He wanted an abortion" (!!). It's enough to put someone by the side of the road waving placards with the USA pro-lifers.

The law states that children are not allowed to have sex, because they are deemed to be unready to deal with the consequences of sex. Clearly your DH is a child who does not understand that shit happens when you get involved in an adult relationship. He had a choice about keeping his trouser snake in his pants. He has absolutely no choice about pressuring you to have an abortion. Given that you were married at the time (i.e. it wasn;t some one night stand that got completely out of hand) - I think his stance is completely unreasonable.

Of course he bloody does!

Otherwise every other heartless, selfish bellend who just LOVED having sex without contraception but didn't fancy the responsibilities of a baby would get out of supporting their child by using exactly the same excuse.

I would actually laugh at what he has said - it's so stupid - were it not so horrific.

So sorry for you Sannebanana - hope you get some legal advice soon.

here Child Support Agency leaflet giving details of criteria they use to calculate payments, and of reasons for exemption. As Footprints says, 'deadbeat dad' isn't covered in the exemptions!

I hadn't read the whole thread when I was going to type this but I just read your post about asking hoodies. I was actually going to say that gothy looking teenagers are the most helpful and polite. They always help with buggies too.

Oh sanne- agree with all others on paying . And I love his attempt at getting out of it...

Of course he does have an obligation- how much and what kind of terms It is are moot point- if you go to legal may find out more as may be that as part of divorce settlement that things like housing entitlement for you and baby are taken into account. The legal topic is ace for guidance here).

I think it would be well worth getting advice (most solicitors give you half an hour free) as you may find it gives you more info on helpful financial situation.

And i know that ex may refuse to pay etc (daughter of such a father myself) but that doesn't mean he has no obligation or the law isn't on your side.

Here's another leaflet you might find helpful. The key part for you at present is on page 5 - "all parents...have a legal duty to support their child financially".

I would always give up a seat to someone with crutches, regardless of whether they look/are visibly pregnant or not!

I have a very long term friend who is disabled (used to be in a wheelchair, now uses crutches) so I was full of righteous indignation on her behalf before I even became pregnant myself - the number of times I've seen people ignore her when she is clearly disabled is shocking.

At 24 weeks I'm now at the stage where I'll take the priority seats on the bus if they are free (I don't commute by Tube, thank god), but several bus routes start near my house, so even if I do get a seat the bus fills up later.

The other day, I got my seat, but gradually the rest of the priority seats were taken by other not apparently elderly, disabled or pregnant people...then a really elderly lady got on, and no-one stood up for her. I was in the window seat but I couldn't let her stand, so I got up and made room for her (of course in the process ostentatiously making the person next to me who hadn't given up a seat move to let her sit down..).

On that occasion I went upstairs where there were still seats free, but in a month or so I imagine I won't want to go upstairs..so I imagine I'll have to stick to my guns and stay in the priority seat.

For the OP - I would say get one of the Baby on Board stickers if you don't have one, and ask the person in the seat nearest the door to give up their seat (point out the sticker that tells them they are supposed to!)

As Footprints and TooImmature have put it so brilliantly, the next time he tries this I'd suggest you say "Well I have checked with the CSA and unfortunately being a Deadbeat Dad does not exempt you from supporting your child."

That should take the wind out of his wankery, entitled, skinflint fucker sails.

Footprintsinthesnow- MIL didn't even know DH and I had seperated until I bumped into her in Tescos before Christmas, which wasn't half embarrassing . So obviously I had to tell her we weren't together anymore, but despite everything that's happened I refuse to lower myself to the level of telling tales on him to his mother. She was obviously shocked, said she'd call me back but never did, so I don't know what he's told her/what she's decided. Normally she's lovely, we've always got on really well.

Thanks TooImmature for the leaflets, they're really helpful.

I think this probably needs to be a seperate thread really now, doesn't it? I might start a new one later if any more queries come up. Thanks everyone xx

But it's not about telling tales.

Your MIL deserves to have the chance to have a relationship with her grandchild. You are now family forever. This is entirely separate to what your DH might want.

Baby-me was on the other side of this! My Dad's mum (i.e. my DGran) had a huge vendetta against my mum and basically disowned me for the first couple of years I was alive. I hear stories of clandestine meetings in the park where my DGreatGran would sneak out to see baby-me - in defiance of my DGreatGran forbidding anyone on that side of the family from having anything to do with me or my DM! It's nice that she did this - and it just shows up how stupid and futile it is to use DC as pawns in power games between adults.

A fat woman pushed past me to a seat on the train when I was visibly pregnant. I told her that she would burn more calories standing so maybe it's something she should consider.

I know she was a rude fucker but I'm still ashamed of myself

Agree with above posts- either ask to work different hours (even half hour later can make a difference) or see about going on leave. Don't be a martyr.

So angry with your bastard ex . How fucking dare he say he needs to pay no maintenance as he doesn't want you to keep the baby? No practical advice to add to Too's great advice, but he sounds like an absolute cuntmeister. So sorry you are dealing with this.

cuntmeister

Quite!

As it is vital forupyoou to continue at work have ou asked about flexible working outside of normal commute times with maybe some hours made up at home, or that work pay a taxi- or at the end of the day pay a taxi yourself? Yes it costs but you'll be do much more happy and healthy ( and ou old maybe just get a tipi for the worse part of the journey?).

I'm sorry to hear of your awful experiences. With ds1 5 years ago I commuted on the metropolitan line from baker street which was always packed and managed ok by asking for a seat. My method was to tap people on shoulders and say excuse me to get to the banks of seats then attempt to make eye contact with one of the group and politely but firmly ask "would you mind letting me sit down". Had positive responses from older women, young Black guys and occasionally Asian ones. Bad responses from the telegraph readers or those with headphones on.

This time round I commuted on the northern line and got a badge which had the advantage that other people would ask on my behalf so I didn't always need to. There was one occasion on which I had a seat when 30 weeks pg with the dts and a man asked me for a seat for his pregnant dp/dw who was about 15 weeks. I politely told him I was pg too (and rather more obviously!) which embarrassed him slightly.

Saying which it does sound as if you should give up work now. Premature babies are not fun (having now had 2). Also although you want to have as much time with your baby as possible the time they will really remember is when they're older and you're there for the school concerts, after school time etc. In some ways the early years are the best time to work longer hours as the childcare is better and you are special in a different way.