Horrific experiences commuting while pregnant... anyone else?

[Sannebanana]

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet :) I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DD1 and am still working for a good 4 weeks yet due to my financial situation, meaning I am commuting into work on the underground. I've had a whole host of complications with this pregnancy, I'm currently at the stage where I'm using crutches every few days if that makes sense, I can go for 3 days or so fine but on day 4 I'm struggling and end up using crutches. I also have low blood pressure (I'm talking low low) and really start to struggle with the weight of my bump towards the end of the day, possibly due to being rather underweight prior to getting pregnant.

I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm coping and it's all going to be worth it when I have my DD, I'm sure, but I really am starting to lose it with all the people who simply refuse to give up their seat on the tube. Some days I get on and I don't feel too bad so I just stand, but other days I get on and I feel physically faint/about to collapse. So I've tried asking a million different ways as politely as possible, 'I'm 6 months pregnant, please may I have your seat?' and not once has anyone ever given me one. I've had death glares, I've had people ignore me completely, I've had people just refuse, and not politely, either. Now, I know there are going to be some people on the tube with their own medical conditions which mean they need to sit too, but surely not everyone I've travelled with since becoming visibly pregnant?

It got to the point this evening where I got onto the tube and was feeling physically faint, dizzy, blurred vision etc, no one offered me a seat so I asked a number of people if they would mind giving me theirs. I had a variety of responses, though no one actaully gave up their seat :( So I had to carry on standing, and 5 minutes later collapsed in the middle of a crowded carriage. No help was offered, admittedly I did come back around almost immediately but it took me a good few minutes to get myself off the floor. Managed to hold myself together until my stop, and just to top it all off as I was shuffling my way over to the door to get off, a business man who had witnessed the whole thing got up and said 'Oh, are you getting off now? I was just about to offer you my seat.' Could have slapped him.

So is it just me? Am I doing something wrong, because I've tried everything and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is? And does anyone have any clever tips they wouldn't mind sharing with me? Dreading getting back on the tube tomorrow, unfortunately it's the only way of getting to work :(

London really does need biscuits.

I used to commute into Manchester and had to stand most days. If a pg woman came on and no one volunteered a seat, I'd ask lady if she needed a seat and say loudly to those in earshot... There's a pg lady here would somebody mind? That made them move x

Seriously good luck. People these days are generally selfish and rude and it saddened me to read this.

RubyrooUK- good point, thank you, will ask around :)

Tethersend- normally I take the District line, then the Northern line. As for the bus, I looked into it but found it would add a significant amount of time onto my journey. I tried it anyway, but found it was almost worse on there, apart from anything I'm better at balancing with large bag and baby bump and tiny bit of handrail when going more or less in a straight line than on a road with all those corners, fell over several times on the bus, and again, no offers of help. :( It really does shatter your faith in human nature.

Omg makes me sooooooo mad! I see this all the time , I always offer seat to anyone who looks a bit older or pregnant or with a toddler. Was on the Metro a couple of weeks ago stood next to a lady who I reckon was at least 75.... Youngsters sat all around and no offer- she would'nt let me shout up. Can 't you get a ahem."... Non pg related virus for last couple of weeks ?? Xx

Your employer can't force you to start your maternity leave until 36 weeks. You can go on sick leave til then. For the sake of yours and your babys health you need to be signed off. If you have a bad fall when you faint you could lose your baby. The most important thing at the moment is that the baby is born healthy -this is why you have maternity leave.

Hmmm, non pregnancy related virus is tempting... [evil grin]. Only issue is pay, if I was off for the next 3 weeks on sick leave then went back and braved it until DD was born, would those 3 weeks all be on full pay or would I get it cut down? Really should know the answer to that one!

I am dreading getting back on the tube tomorrow, though I know I'm just going to feel worse come Monday if I don't do it tomorrow. I do know I'm probably crazy to keep on going into work, thing is once I actually get there apart from the usual discomfort I'm generally fine, and work is one of the only things keeping me going at the moment while still waiting for DD to arrive. Don't know, I'll see if I actually manage to stop stressing and get some sleep tonight, then I'll make a decision.

I am going to persevere with the asking for a seat though, still trying to work out what I'm doing wrong...

It depends on your sick leave policy. You maternity rate of pay is determined by your qualifying week which was earlier in your pregnancy.
However you really need to prioritize your health. You can economise at home if you are off for three weeks.
You will have more rights if you are signed off with a pregnancy related illness.

I think if non pg then does not count? I had similar and got away with it? Ended up with high bp at 36 w and early birth so ml stated on day of birth not a second wasted! Not recommending that though! Any chance of home working? Good luck with the baby, will be than worthwhile xxxxx

Your baby is small for dates.
You are stressed out because of a split with DH, if I understand correctly.
You faint on the tube and need crutches.
Your boss is a git.

You have my huge and massive sympathies!

I don't think your issue is just about how to get a seat or not. If you were my friend, I'd be urging you to take sick leave then start your mat leave at 36 weeks, and have a few non stressed weeks to concentrate on your own health and wellbeing before the additional stresses of a new baby come into play. Baby will be with you for many years and it's so important to be as fit as possible when she arrives.

I had this problem commuting in to Manchester by train, i only got offered a seat a couple of times but thankfully i only had one short train journey to deal with. People can be very selfish these days, i would imagine its harder on the tube as well with it being so packed.

As others have said, i think you should try as hard you can to get sick leave, take what you can get while you can get it, otherwise your problems may just get worse. I ended up working a 4 day week most weeks during the last month of work, it does get very difficult and commuting definitely doesn't help! Good luck and try to take it easy :)

I too am so so shocked by people refusing to give you a seat. Maybe we could encourage mumsnet to start a campaign?!
Anyway, I would second the advice to go off sick/on ML now- I had a similar-ish situation as I had severe SPD and had to stop working at about 30 weeks. No sick pay as temporary Job so started maternity leave. It was good for DS as well as me I'm sure, time to look after myself and him during those crucial last weeks. So if you can, I would stop work now- it really doesn't sound like a sustainable situation and you can cross the bridge about daycare etc when you come to it.

can you arrange with your line manager to change your hours? My boss is going to allow me to do (say) 10-6 which would make it a lot more manageable. I also have to do the Northern Line and I have never got a seat (apart from yesterday!). am only 20 weeks though so early days for me.

You could try 'I'm pregnant and feeling a bit nauseous, please could i have your seat, I'd HATE to be sick on anyone'

Which branch of the district line? I commuted through 2 pregnancies on the Piccadilly line/district line and never had a problem and I too had spd and low blood pressure (fainted all the bloody time lol).

I hate to say it but you must be doing something wrong. Be more assertive when asking for a seat. I didn't always ask for one but I was never turned down when I did. I should add it is FAR harder in winter to tell if someone is pregnant because of big coats etc (really it is, especially in a crowded carriage).

(I meant never had a problem getting a seat if I needed one)

I have also never seen someone with crutches (pregnant or not) not offered a seat!

I am shocked you've had so much trouble, can Londoners really have got so much ruder in three years?

Can I ask how you're phrasing your request? I know you've been knocked back a few times so I wonder if you're nervous and your demeanour is helping people to say no.

I had a request A and a request B. knowing what I'd say if someone kicked up helped with the nerves, but no-one ever refused.

Request A was polite, clear (don't speak too softly) and businesslike and - importantly - always to the person sat in the priority seat. It was "I'm pregnant, can I sit down please?"

In the event of refusal, I'd planned to say - "Well, unfortunately you're sitting in a priority seat and pregnant women do have priority. I need it. Can you give it up"

If you're going to keep commuting you must get on and bellow 'I AM 8 MONTHS PREGNANT. COULD SOMEBODY GIVE ME A SEAT NOW BEFORE I FAINT OR THROW UP ON YOU'

What's the worst that could happen - nobody moves? In which case you can say 'shame on you' and burst in to tears!

Changing hours might well help (though the tube is still pretty rammed at 6pm). If your boss would let you work 8-4 or give you a break and do 9:30 to 4:15 then that could help a lot, though I tend to agree that sick leave may be necessary.
I do feel for you. I always got a seat when heavily pg if I wanted one, but that was in high summer, I'm sure it's worse in December when everyone is knackered and distracted and a coat covers your bump.

I really feel for you and your experience puts my own 3rd trimester woes into perspective.

I second what heliumballoon says though. Once you start ml you well feel so much better. You really need to gather your strength for the arrival of your DD. I have a friend who is due any minute and was having a difficult pregnancy - she stopped working early and she said she instantly started sleeping better and felt a huge weight lifted off her.

It's only a case of a few weeks (how long were you planning on taking off in total?) I understand your reasons - I am working right up until the end too - but I am in France and only get 16wks leave and I work from home, so only have to drop DD off at the cm and pick her up in the evenings.

Good luck, but do consider stopping working now. I wish I had a solution for the rude people on the tube, but I don't and I really think you should put yourself first before the arrival of your baby, thus ensuring the safest possible conditions for your baby to arrive in.

How exactly are you asking for a seat? It might be the way you're doing it is the problem so tell us and we can help you improve on it. Robotindisguise's approach is good. If you just say to the carriage "can I have a seat" then everyone will think someone else should move. I've found if done politely but assertively direclty to a well looking youngish person in a priority seat* and with a smile then there is rarely an issue.

*yes yes I know not all disabilities are visible and some younger seemingly well persons may legitimately need the seat but its not that frequent.

I used to ask a trio of likely looking candidates sitting next to each other - it got round the invisible disability/pg problem. But that approach only works if you are by the seats. If you're stuck next to the door, then the best solution may be to ask a nice looking chap who's also standing to help you find a seat - people can be pretty assertive when helping 3rd parties.

OK, so experiences on the tube this morning...

Me (to man in suit who looked vaguely friendly in priority seat): excuse me, do you need the seat?

Man: gruff, abrupt 'yes' while refusing to make eye contact but eyeing my stomach over his newspaper.

Me (to carriage): I'm 7 months pregnant (almost) and not feeling too well, would anyone be willing to give up their seat for me?

Stoney silence.

Attempt 2 on Northern line:
Repeated my 'I'm 7 months pregnant' line.

Nobody moved, after this became clear a little old lady got up for me.

Me: Oh no, you don't have to, I'm sure there's someone else willing to give up their seat (loudly, looking pleadingly around carriage while rubbing bump)

No offers, at which point both the old lady and me were pushed out of the way by a man in a suit, who said, 'well, if neither of you are going to take the seat, then I will.

Are there really no decent commuters in the world? :( Perhaps I need to be more assertive.

Maybe it's the accent. There's nothing offensive about a South African accent these days, is there? [sigh]

Poor you OP that sounds absolutely DREADFUL.

Agree that you need to think about either stopping work altogether, working from home, or changing your hours.

A couple of weeks pay here and there is nowhere near as important as your health and the health of your baby.

Going back to work a month earlier at the other end, or cutting back your expenses over the whole of your ML, would be a far better idea than endangering yourself or the baby by struggling on now.

In the very short term, you definitely need to be VERY ASSERTIVE when DEMANDING (not asking for!) a seat.

I have never had any problems getting a seat because I make eye contact with one person (young trendy blokes are always a good bet!) and that usually results in an offer. If not I stand directly in front of someone and make eye contact, then say sweetly but loudly "I'm really sorry but I'm pregnant and I don't feel very well. Can I sit down please?"

IME people will ALWAYS ignore you if you address / appeal to a group (everyone in the group thinks someone else should do it) but very very few people will refuse to help you if you ask them directly and loudly (so that other people can hear!)

If you find it hard to be "demanding" in RL think of it this way - you're asking for your baby, not for yourself. It's not selfish to want to keep your baby safe.

Think of it as practicing your "mummy tiger" attitude for later on!

How rude, particularly the second man. Smack across chops to him.

With the first man I wouldn't say "excuse me, do you need the seat?" but instead "excuse me could I sit down please" as you give him too easy an out otherwise.

Hi Sannebanana, I really sympathise with you! I work in East London most of the time, and occasionally in central London, and commute in from Essex. Oddly, I've had very little problem with the tube - I have a largeish bump already (I'm only 20 weeks, and it's probably helped by the layers I wear which accentuate it!), and I do have a Baby on Board badge. I don't ask for a seat on the tube unless I am feeling ill, but because of the badge I've had several people offer up seats, which has been lovely. I'd highly recommend one if you've not got one already.

I do, however, have horrendous problems with the train line I take to get into the city. This one I take every day, and they don't have first class seats that pregnant women can take, unlike some lines. I am still suffering from bad nausea in the early mornings, so on the three days a week when I have to be in very early I struggle onto the train, and inevitably have to stand for the entire journey. I normally feel faint after about 10 minutes, so end up sitting on the floor of the carriage - again, no offers of seats! I will definitely try pleading with commuters more in the new year - I've only done it this year when feeling completely shocking.

I've also found it's the people you'd suspect least who offer you seats - often the teenage boys, rather than the rude business men! My husband was very ill on a tube train once (I wasn't there), but an old lady offered him a seat - stating that he looked green and had to sit down. She then teetered over to the other side of the carriage, and the other priority seats, and badgered them until they gave her one! More people like her on the tube would be fabulous!