Horrific experiences commuting while pregnant... anyone else?

[Sannebanana]

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet :) I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DD1 and am still working for a good 4 weeks yet due to my financial situation, meaning I am commuting into work on the underground. I've had a whole host of complications with this pregnancy, I'm currently at the stage where I'm using crutches every few days if that makes sense, I can go for 3 days or so fine but on day 4 I'm struggling and end up using crutches. I also have low blood pressure (I'm talking low low) and really start to struggle with the weight of my bump towards the end of the day, possibly due to being rather underweight prior to getting pregnant.

I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm coping and it's all going to be worth it when I have my DD, I'm sure, but I really am starting to lose it with all the people who simply refuse to give up their seat on the tube. Some days I get on and I don't feel too bad so I just stand, but other days I get on and I feel physically faint/about to collapse. So I've tried asking a million different ways as politely as possible, 'I'm 6 months pregnant, please may I have your seat?' and not once has anyone ever given me one. I've had death glares, I've had people ignore me completely, I've had people just refuse, and not politely, either. Now, I know there are going to be some people on the tube with their own medical conditions which mean they need to sit too, but surely not everyone I've travelled with since becoming visibly pregnant?

It got to the point this evening where I got onto the tube and was feeling physically faint, dizzy, blurred vision etc, no one offered me a seat so I asked a number of people if they would mind giving me theirs. I had a variety of responses, though no one actaully gave up their seat :( So I had to carry on standing, and 5 minutes later collapsed in the middle of a crowded carriage. No help was offered, admittedly I did come back around almost immediately but it took me a good few minutes to get myself off the floor. Managed to hold myself together until my stop, and just to top it all off as I was shuffling my way over to the door to get off, a business man who had witnessed the whole thing got up and said 'Oh, are you getting off now? I was just about to offer you my seat.' Could have slapped him.

So is it just me? Am I doing something wrong, because I've tried everything and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is? And does anyone have any clever tips they wouldn't mind sharing with me? Dreading getting back on the tube tomorrow, unfortunately it's the only way of getting to work :(

Also I've found teenagers amongst the best for this sort of thing, men in suits generally not too good.

I find that the way to do it is to target the seat that is labelled with the picture of a pregnant woman/person on crutches. (i.e. the specific less-able seat at the end of the row). I will generally look out for a young man accompanied by a woman (i.e. hopefully will jump at the oppotunity to look chivalrous). I ask this person directly "Could I have the priority seat please".

Also - I would use your crutches every day. They'll support you, and make your need more visible.

Could you be more specific about your start and end points? IME district line is fairly grim and rattly - but can often be shortcut by taking an overland train (e.g. Putney - Waterloo)

op I feel for you, have very low blood pressure and fainted on the tube once when pregnant (but didn't know yet).
after that I always got a seat, a loud "can I have a seat please" always helped. maybe you can practice infront of a mirror?
or travel at times when the tube is less crowded?

That is just disgraceful OP

I was in similar situ with first pregnancy back in day when it was 16 weeks m/l so didn't want to waste it before the birth.

I think you're going to have to give up work earlier if you can't afford taxis as that is v stressful and not good for you or baby.

Can you go to Drs and ask to be signed off with depression following your marriage breakdown? That's a non pg reason so your m/l shouldn't kick in

Ask individuals, rather than the whole carriage, more effective. Don't ask if someone needs the seat, say 'can I sit down please' and glare until they move.

Failing that, sit on them. :)

I do think you should just take sick leave tho

Can you poke the suits in the nuts with your crutch?

I once shamed a man into moving seats - he was in the middle seat of a row of three with his legs wide apart, hugely encroaching on my space and that of the woman squashed against the window. I asked him politely if he could please move his legs to give us more room - he refused and said he was "comfortable like this." At which point I said, very loudly "Please put your legs together - no-one has a cock that size, least of all you." At which point the carriage erupted in laughter - he got up and moved to the next carriage.

Middle aged men in suits are definitely the worst at giving up seats - I asked one directly, when I was pregnant. He kept his eyes on his paper and just said no (all the other priority seats were taken by people who needed them). Train lurched, I ended up in his lap. I snatched his paper away, screwed it up, threw it on the floor, and screamed in his face "Now will you give me your seat?" Not my finest hour, but it worked.

Fucking hell, haven't read while thread but am shocked at the way you have been treated by fellow commuters, OP. Since about 14 weeks I have never had to ask for a seat - I have always been offered one and often more than one. I got on a train yesterday (29 weeks) and about half the carriage tried to give me their seat/carry my bag/put my coat in the rack for me. Could you try looking much more pathetic? I am so cross on your behalf!

I'd also take your cruch with you even if you don't definitely need it that day - some people will be more considerate with that too than if you're "just" pregnant.

I commuted on a train in my last pregnancy and was allowed to sit in first class if the train was full. it was v nice.

this time I have been offered a seat already and I'm not looking that pregnant! I am not very good at asking, but I do think if you ask someone direct rather than making a comment at the carriage at large then it is more likely to be successful. I normally get a seat on half of my journey, and last week I was sitting down and didn't even notice the lady with a baby on board badge standing in front of me! (that caused a dilemma - I wanted to point out I was pg too!).

and as I suggested lower down the thread, i'm sure your boss would let you come in at 10 if you asked, and the trains are much emptier then. (and leave at 4 if necessary).

I used to do this commute up until 38 weeks. I have to admit that I only on a couple of occasions had a problem with people offering me a seat - I think perhaps you need to stop being so nice. At one point I stood in the middle of the carriage and asked if someone (anyone!) could give me their seat, and had a pregnant woman (!) stand, we had that moment of discussin who should get seat and laughing at peoples rudeness when a suited city boy said that he would take it. I flipped my lid and demanded to know if he was seriously going to take a seat instead of two pregnat women? We shamed him into standing and he got off on the next stop!

develop your bolshiness (I think my angry sa accent helped!). Also woe betide the person sitting in the priority seats (who doesn't obviously need it). Yes fit and healthy middleaged business man - I'm waddling my way over to you!!

Do watch yourself though when it comes to specific attacks on individuals. A mate of mine is a handsome slim pin striped man in his early forties, who is in the early stages of muscular dystrophy. And the older ones are martyrs to gout (I know at least 4 men who regularly get gout) and prolapsed discs.

That's why I always go for requests aimed at groups of three people not individuals, it would be sods law that I'd end up venting months of resentment on someone who'd then pointedly pick his crutches up from under his coat.

I hate to say it, but maybe the OPs accent is working against her - there's all sorts of factors that influence who we want to help. Are you also a strapping 6 foot blonde glowing with apparent health OP? Very best of luck for the rest of the pg.

DilysPrice- that's what I wondered :( Might conduct a little experiement on the way home and see if get given a seat when ask in best London business-ish accent...

No, not 6 foot blonde, 5''2 and half Japanese. And no obvious disability aside from huge belly, and crutches when I take them :)

put a big bandage on your foot and always take your crutches

If you're finding the commute too much you shouldn't be working. You're blaming other people for not giving up their seat (it's all their fault) when perhaps you should question why you are still working (where do your responsibilities lie?) Having a bit longer at the other end of your maternity leave is a nice to have when you're not managing the commute.

I'm afraid South African accents can sometimes come over to the English as aggressive and pushy sounding so yes the accent might not be helping. Sorry.

at some of these people. Were they brought up with no manners?

I am appalled

Thanks everyone for your messenges- am going to experiment a bit on the way home today- will let you know the outcome.

Bastedturkey- getting signed off with depression might be an option, I think I do feel depressed to an extent, it's sort of difficult to explain. At the moment I've just sort of pushed the marriage breakdown thing to one side and told myself I'm going to focus on work until baby is born then on baby after that, suppose it's all going to hit me at some point. Potentially quite soon, as DH has just informed me by text wants to be at scans and birth but nothing to do with baby or me after- apparently the being at the birth thing is for 'closure'. Will look into that, thanks.

I would be informing DH by text to fuck the fuck off.

He sounds like a right twat

Bloody help OP, what a twat your DH is. Mr "I'll have this seat" from the tube this morning is a rank amateur in comparison. Closure indeed.

People often need someone to set them an example I think. If no one is getting up, then the rest all think that it's OK because they are all doing the same thing.

I was on a train with the DCs recently and we saw a family get on (it was standing room only by that point) and both parents were blind. Obviously they could stand up OK but it must be much harder to stand on a packed bouncy train when you can't see. I made DD get up and we gave them our seats (TBH it was a great opportunity for me to show DD what you are supposed to do). Straight after that, a man offered me his seat!! It was as if he felt bad that I had offered and he hadn't. Hahahaaa. I declined of course.

OP I am so sorry for your experiences. I must say I have never heard or seen such dreadful behaviour. I don't commute any more but if I did I would be fervently hoping I'd be in your carriage and could give the bunch of selfish bastards what for.

OP I am appalled too. I would always give up my seat to a pg or elderly person if they asked (though often might not notice them if they didn't ask).

I think you have to take the attitude that rather than asking for a favour and hoping someone is kind, which allows them to refuse, you take the approach that you are are entitled to the priority seats (which you are). 'Excuse me, I need to use the priority seat' is much more authoritative than 'would anyone mind giving up their seat?'

Wishing you better luck with this!

That is terrible about your DH OP I am appalled and hope you have some support to deal with such atrocious behaviour. Poor you - do you think you could take a few days off at least and get away from it all/ just rest and take care of yourself?

at your DH. You poor thing.

Poor you, Sannebanana... so sorry you're having a dreadful time and wish I could come on your commute with you, I guarantee it wouldn't happen then! I catch two tubes to work each day and have never seen anyone pg refused a seat - I'm not saying I don't believe you, but it's simply not my or any of my friends' experience.

You do need to cup your bump and ask them straight out... no-one will offer. People are so terrified of asking fat (non pg) women to have a seat (have seen this many times and it's bowel-clenchingly embarrassing for all round Also people have their nosed buried in a paper or phone and simply won't see you unless you ask them point blank.

Hope you can get signed off and not have to deal with it all... much sympathy

OP: awful situation on DH & commute. I do think you ought to consider going on sick/maternity sooner - for the health of you & your baby. You need time to prepare for your new baby, both mentally & practically. Your health is far more important than a couple of weeks maternity pay - also, work won't thank you any more than normal for struggling in.

Re the commute, I used to do a 2hr each way mega-commute...and have experienced rudeness, but not to the levels you're talking about. When I have had to ask for a seat, I've found that guilt/shame works best...

• wear baby on board badge
• stand next to priority seats
• if no priority seats, then stand next to someone travelling with another person
• say in most assertive yet pleasant tone (and within earshot of the carriage): "excuse me, I've stood for as long as I can manage, would one of you gentlemen/nice people be kind enough to offer that priority seat to a pregnant lady?"

Worked for me! Good luck OP & let us know how you get on.