Horrific experiences commuting while pregnant... anyone else?

[Sannebanana]

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet :) I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DD1 and am still working for a good 4 weeks yet due to my financial situation, meaning I am commuting into work on the underground. I've had a whole host of complications with this pregnancy, I'm currently at the stage where I'm using crutches every few days if that makes sense, I can go for 3 days or so fine but on day 4 I'm struggling and end up using crutches. I also have low blood pressure (I'm talking low low) and really start to struggle with the weight of my bump towards the end of the day, possibly due to being rather underweight prior to getting pregnant.

I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm coping and it's all going to be worth it when I have my DD, I'm sure, but I really am starting to lose it with all the people who simply refuse to give up their seat on the tube. Some days I get on and I don't feel too bad so I just stand, but other days I get on and I feel physically faint/about to collapse. So I've tried asking a million different ways as politely as possible, 'I'm 6 months pregnant, please may I have your seat?' and not once has anyone ever given me one. I've had death glares, I've had people ignore me completely, I've had people just refuse, and not politely, either. Now, I know there are going to be some people on the tube with their own medical conditions which mean they need to sit too, but surely not everyone I've travelled with since becoming visibly pregnant?

It got to the point this evening where I got onto the tube and was feeling physically faint, dizzy, blurred vision etc, no one offered me a seat so I asked a number of people if they would mind giving me theirs. I had a variety of responses, though no one actaully gave up their seat :( So I had to carry on standing, and 5 minutes later collapsed in the middle of a crowded carriage. No help was offered, admittedly I did come back around almost immediately but it took me a good few minutes to get myself off the floor. Managed to hold myself together until my stop, and just to top it all off as I was shuffling my way over to the door to get off, a business man who had witnessed the whole thing got up and said 'Oh, are you getting off now? I was just about to offer you my seat.' Could have slapped him.

So is it just me? Am I doing something wrong, because I've tried everything and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is? And does anyone have any clever tips they wouldn't mind sharing with me? Dreading getting back on the tube tomorrow, unfortunately it's the only way of getting to work :(

Yes - do you need the seat makes it very easy to say "yes"

Sat "Excuse me, I need to sit down". Make it seem as though the thought of refusal hasn't occurred to you.

But what if that person does need the seat robot?
I'm feeling a reverse AIBU coming on - how would you feel if you were simply ordered to get out of your priority seat by someone who had no idea what might be preventing you from standing? The OP is having a very rough time, and some/many of the people who haven't been giving her a seat have been lazy selfish gits, but not all of them, and picking on individuals is asking for trouble.

the times I have sat in the priority seat for a reason (broken foot, small brace) I politely said that I can't get up but nudged the guy next to me who tried to hide behind his newspaper who seemed able bodied to offer his seat.

I will hold my hands up and I know it was wrong but before becoming pregnant.

I used to argue that I had paid the same if not more for my ticket and as such did not have to give my seat up and at the end of the day people choose to become pregnant and their choice should not effect me. Very bad, rude behaviour.

xx

So do you now accept seats you are offered, Yummymummy? I assume you don't ask for them?

I think what is particularly weird is that OP seems to be getting a rougher deal than the rest of us experienced. I was ignored many many times - often after I had been clearly seen- but never refused when I requested a seat.
My tricks, such as they were, were to:
commute out of hours (OP cannot do this)
watch the train come in and move to the quietest part of the platform, then catch the next train
always always unbutton coat, move scarf, rub bump, wear badge, so it it is crystal clear that you are pg
enlist help of others by making eyes at them- very often someone else would turf someone out of a seat on my behalf

I never ordered anyone out of a seat, only ever got as far as "do you mind awfully"

Someone upthread said she found fat women and men in suits would not stand. My experiences lend weight to this, with this, though I would say less likely rather than never What I can't agree with is the suggestion that different ethnicities are more or less likely to stand up- I had this as a theory for a while but it was busted pretty quickly. So my tip is just not to ask a man in a suit because they are less likely than your average person to be nice!!!

What i have to say though is that I am only 2 weeks ahead of OP in my pregnancy, and I have thrown in the towel at work largely because of the commute.

I used to argue that I had paid the same if not more for my ticket and as such did not have to give my seat up and at the end of the day people choose to become pregnant and their choice should not effect me.

YMummy - WOW, just WOW.

What bastards. They should be getting up for you! I was on a train the other day and a lady got on announcing that she was 'very pregnant and would someone mind giving her a seat' and my fiance stood up straight away for her, but a few other people looked like they were about to offer too. You must be getting a bad tube line!! I'm angry for you. I commute to work with my fiance and now that I am pregnant he would literally remove someone from their seat if I felt faint and had to stand. You poor thing! :(

"But what if that person does need the seat robot?"

Well, that's easy. And did happen, a person I asked, said "I'm pregnant too". I said, oh I am sorry. And turned to the bloke in the other priority seat and said, I'm afraid that means... But he'd already stood up.

my DH lectures entire carriages if nobody gets up for the elderly or the pregnant.

He says he is sick of commuting though, partly as people's selfishness is shocking to witness...

I have never ever witnessed what op describes in my commute to Glasgiw

This thread is completely appalling! The trouble with many commuters, esp around London, is that they think their ability to get a seat is a demonstration of how powerfully assertive they are

I live and work in south Wales and have never, ever had to stand on a train while pg or with a baby. I have never even had to ask for a seat as someone will always volunteer theirs (usually middle aged women or young boys IME).

I spent some time in Rome when DD was 2yrs old and I was carrying her in a sling - half the carriage would always hop straight out of their seats the minute I got on!

Am utterly shocked and angry on your behalf OP but there seems to be some good pieces of advice on this thread that might be worth trying out - if only to begin to restore your faith in human nature!

OP you could try a line that worked brilliantly for a friend of mine "if you won't offer me your seat do you mind if I sit on your knee?" worked wonders apparently. I do sympathise though I did a similar commute but had as many good days as bad ones which at least helped balance out my faith in human nature.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice with this. I did have some success today finally on the way home (!!!!) and managed to get a seat on both lines :) Which is an absolute miracle, given how impossible it's been before now. I think I was just not going about it in quite the right way IYSWIM, perhaps not being assertive enough? not sure. Anyway, today I followed advice and tried asking the 'hoodies' rather than the business men, which I thought wasn't going to work at all, but it turns out I have been hugely unfair on young men today assuming they wouldn't give up their seats and they are actually really sweet :) I did follow advice on unbuttoning coat so it really was obvious, asking a group of people rather than addressing the whole carriage and trying to be assertive without being rude, both times I was offered a seat by a nice young male. Both also apologised for not offering sooner and said they had been engrossed in their ipods and hadn't noticed me, so I do wonder if perhaps I was addressing the carriage and no one in particular so everyone just stayed absorbed in their books, and on the occasions when I had the very rude responses I just got unlucky.

In the defense of London's commuters, almost all of the worst experiences I've had were on very early/late hugely packed tubes when I think everyone is a bit unaware of those around them anyway, so perhaps it wasn't so much being rude as just being stuck in their own half-alseep bubble and not noticing. Not sure. It's so much easier to see it rationally when you haven't had the journey from hell home! :)

Pipa- I can assure you that I'm not a journalist or a Munchausen sufferer. I may have not appreciated that people just weren't aware I was asking (too timidly) for a seat due to being a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment, I'll accept that's possible, but I'm definitely not making this up. I wish I was, but sadly I'm not. :(

Still, holding out for a better journey on Monday now I think I might be mastering the technique :)

Great stuff. If you are ever on the jubilee, you can have my seat :-)

Well done Sannebanana. I totally empathise - my last pregnancy I was commuting up from Kent to Hackney. The London bit was alright, but it was because I was on a relatively quiet bus. The train ride from Kent was horrific - not one of the middle aged suits ever offered me a seat and I was refused when I asked. I think the only person who ever offered me a seat was a teenage black girl who was lovely to me when I was crying my eyes out at London Bridge because I couldn't get on a train! So if anyone here thinks you're lying then they're mad.

As far as the opinion Yummy expressed - well, a co-worker of mine said pretty much the same thing. When I was having a moan about people not offering seats he said, well you decided to get pregnant and travel at rush hour so what do you expect. I do think the South East of England is full of some rather charmless people! Since moving away I've found attitudes to pregnant women, babies and children are so much nicer and more accommodating.

Having said all that, I do also think I was very shy about putting myself forward to get a seat and would instead stand there silently fuming and feeling powerless. It's very hard if you're not that assertive. Keep it up though and keep healthy.

See sannie glad that it's working out! You just needed to let out your inner vaalie :)

The sweetest moment I had was when a very kind Indian gentleman gave me his seat as no one was standing and it was heaving. A couple of stops later he managed to get another seat. Two stops later another pregnant woman got on - when no one stood up, up he popped again. I burst out laughing, told him he must be the only gentleman on the carriage and three people jumped up to give him a seat

As an aside, your bloody 'husband' said what?! send him my way and I'll give him closure

In exactly same situation as you love. Have had huge blazing rows with people. Tried every technique under the sun (my favourite, though it didn't work, but made me feel better) was asking the people IN THE PRIORITY SEATS 'sorry, are you mentally disabled? Just you're clearly not physically disabled or elderly or carrying children...'

In the end, have changed my journey, so it takes 30 mins longer but I do get a seat. Am stopping early though, money notwithstanding, as it's just not good for me or the embryoids.

Am secretly hoping, when I announce this next week, that they'll offer for me to do everything from home (which would be almost doable, plus they'd get 3 extra hours out of me a day!)

Pipa I think you said some rather horrible things to the OP...and actually is that any worse than just sitting there while a pregnant lady is crying with pain and stress and her bump getting slammed by all and sundry?

There are some pretty horrible people on Mumsnet at the moment

Says the woman who just accused the OP of having munchausen's!!

PMSL

Glad you had a better experience - was going to suggest that you tried asking a relative if they would pay for taxis rather than buy you a baby present.

OP what's your current journey? Is there any way you can do overgrounds and then cab it (money notwithstanding)? They do seem to be easier than the Tube or buses (the worst in my experience as you can't even get from where the driver is to the seats to look plaintive as there are just too many people).

I've found too that the most likely getter uppers are teenage boys/girls - restores one's faith - or elderly gentlemen, to whom I always say no and wait for someone else.

Like you, have shamelessly started wearing VERY clingy tops so there's no way someone can say 'I didn't know'. One woman, when I asked her, said she wasn't getting up because I didn't have 'one of those badges'! To their credit, her neighbour said something unprintable and got up instead!

I'm sorry, I think you're crazy. You need to be in optimum health for the labour. Stop working now.