Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Pregnant at 16!

51 replies

anon80 · 12/07/2011 22:05

Just found out my sister is pregnant, she is 16 nearly 17, the boy ( because thats what he is) is only 16 too. They have known eachother 5 minutes ( 3-4 months roughly)

we are from a broken home, typical council estate,single mother story - I have done good, I bought my flat with my partner at 19 own 2 cars been together 5.5 years now have a little one both have jobs and some money behind us as were saving for a house, im doing well

My sister hasn't even left the country before!!!!

she is comming down on saturday - Do i give her the cold hard A word- or does she even have a side of the story, cos as far as i can see it there is only one option here- tell me your views......am I or am I not being a good sister?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

outthere · 12/07/2011 22:12

Gosh, that's really tough. I think it's really impossible for anyone to have a strong opinion without knowing your sister.

What kind of family support does she have in place?

I would be very wary of trying to sway her too much in one direction or the other. If she later regrets her decision you may find she holds some resentment towards you. I imagine she probably looks up to you and your advice could hold a lot of weight.

I guess the "best" thing you could do is offer your support in whatever she decides. That could take the form of parctical support or perhaps, if she chose to keep the baby, you could help her to find out what help, benefits and services are available to her...

MollieO · 12/07/2011 22:14

What has not having left the country got to do with being pregnant?

Sounds to me as if your mind is made up and you also sound rather smug. How about offering your sister support in helping her and her bf make a decision themselves about what is right for them?

usualsuspect · 12/07/2011 22:17

You need to support her choice
and I don't much care for your typical council house single mother bollocks either

nannyl · 12/07/2011 22:22

What she does is up to her

and for what its worth i know a few people who got pg very young... (Im 30) they now have children of senior school age and have been great parents, and have raised lovely children.

aquos · 12/07/2011 22:26

I agree that keeping your own strong views to yourself is probably the most diplomatic way forward. If your sister asks you for an honest opinion, then by all means give one. But such huge decisions as whether or not she should progress the pregnancy absolutely must be her decision alone. There is nothing wrong in outlining to her what support you can offer if she does or doesn't go ahead with the pregnancy. Women choose to have children young for a myriad of reasons. It's a complex social and emotional picture.

Pudding2be · 12/07/2011 22:27

She needs your support not your judgement, there will be plenty of others who will do that. Just be there for her.

FWIW I left home at 16, (personal choice, I wanted to stand on my own two feet). I'm now 26 with my own home etc. Not everyone at 16 is a child.

whenwill · 12/07/2011 22:29

yes, def. don't go making her choices for her. She really didn't have to tell you anything at this stage either.
From your personal outcome/experience you know that a difficult start doesn't mean a 'unsuccessful' or unhappy life especially if there is support around you.

TableVamp · 12/07/2011 22:30

I agree with the above posted - you sound very smug. Why are you telling us your circumstances, cant see what that has to do with anything

No youre not being a good sister. Just sit. And listen to her. If she asks for advice, set out her options. Let her decide. And whatever she does decide. Support her fully. No questions asked.

Leverkusen · 12/07/2011 22:32

You sound really smug. You're her sister and you're meant to help her!

YOu're not so old yourself, moved in with a partner at 19? Youre only 24, you have a child too, you're meant to be supportive.

pregnantmimi · 12/07/2011 22:34

if she made her mind up let her get on with it but if it was be I would expect my big sister to give me advice even if its not what i want to hear cause thats what big sisters are forxx

lachesis · 12/07/2011 22:35

Dearie me, you're not even married and you're going on about how she should have a termination?

K999 · 12/07/2011 22:38

You should tell her that she shouldn't even contemplate starting a family until she owns two cars.

thisisyesterday · 12/07/2011 22:41

"or does she even have a side of the story, cos as far as i can see it there is only one option here"

I am shock at that. Does she even have a side of the story???? SHE is the one who is pregnant, it is HER life. Her "side of the story" is that she can choose to do whatever she wants to do.

and as far as you can see there is only one option??? then you're being incredibly narrow-minded and unkind to be quite honest.

this is NOT your decision to make. You can tell her what you think (if you can do that without pressuring her to do what YOU want her to do), or you can support her in whatever decision she makes.
I'd suggest the latter would mean that you could carry on having a relationship with your sister whereas the former may mean that you have very little to do with her and any children she has

and why does it matter if she hasn't left the country before? there isn't a rule that you have to have been out of the country to have a baby you know

You know what, I actually do have quite strong views on teen pregnancy, in that I think it's less than ideal and that where possible people should mature a bit, enjoy their teens and settle down once they have a bit more life experience. But that doesn't mean that I think teen mums are bad mums because I know one who is a fabulous mum and I know there are a few on here who'd put a lot of older mums to shame.
I just can't get over your overwhelming air of superiority and self-importance.

thisisyesterday · 12/07/2011 22:42

that, obviously, should have said that I am at that!

lachesis · 12/07/2011 22:44

We only have one car. We don't own a home. We are much older than 24.

But we were married when we started a family and, whilst I'd left the country many times, DH had been to Ibiza on holiday once, so there was more than one option :o.

Original poster

anon80 · 12/07/2011 22:47

tablevamp there not my circumstances there ours ( mine and my sisters) were sisters so bought up together, the same.

Im not to botherd about her age- ive seen parents have children at 28 are are useless - age is not a factor its that she is not mature, the boy i admit i dont know from adam but am 90% sure he isnt very mature or wise either due to their situation and she hasent know him long and am pretty sure she is not even in love with him but dont know that 100%

I have spoken to my partner about this and he has rightly said that it is non of our buissness and its her life to do with as she pleases- which i do agree with but feel she can do so much better with regards to everything

with regards to my sister not leaving the counrty i was over exaggerating the fact she hasent done much nor has alot of experience.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 12/07/2011 22:50

i think people were referring to this " I have done good, I bought my flat with my partner at 19 own 2 cars been together 5.5 years now have a little one both have jobs and some money behind us as were saving for a house, im doing well
"

when they referred to you telling us your own circumstances. it really is irrelevant to your sister isn't it?

I am sure at 16 she knows what her options are and presumably knows a bit about babies if you 2 are close and she has seen you bringing up her niece/nephew?

and you know, maybe you're right, maybe she could do better.... but this is the situation she is in and nothing can change that except her, if she wants to.

just be there for her, if she asks what you'd do you can tell her. but she'll appreciate you just listening and supporting her choice i am sure.
where are your parents in all this? what do they think?

Original poster

anon80 · 12/07/2011 22:53

Also she is comming to mine on Saturday thats why im asking advise, she has not told me this news herself, our mum told me.

Ive tried so hard to be a good exsample for my sister as our mother has not been and just feel that maybe its my fault this has happened.....maybe i didnt educate her enough, she seems to be getting a rosy picture from my mum with regards to this, but i know theres only a very slim chance it will turnout like that

OP posts:

Original poster

anon80 · 12/07/2011 22:56

Thisis.....Oh i see, i thought you was all referring to the upbringing.

I noted that to say what she can have too if she wanted it so to speak. That she has seen first hand its not impossible.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 12/07/2011 22:59

but maybe it was a genuine accident? she may not have planned to become pregnant or just been silly and not used contraception...

Original poster

anon80 · 12/07/2011 23:03

she was on the pill but did not use a condom ( not sure what happened there) but she did not plan the pregnancy.

OP posts:

whenwill · 12/07/2011 23:11

lachesis- are you serious about the being married as a necessary ideal before having children? might be better to show commitment to someone through choice of being with them than through choice of committing to an institution (the way people want to save their marriage rather than acutally wanting to stay with the person). Or can even just be committed to the children.

your sister must be thinking and feeling so many things of her own without needing to process other peoples opinions as to the right/wrong thing to do/feel/think. younger siblings/children in your family always seem less mature than they are ime and you feel you want to protect them because of that perception.

perhaps you feel you need to balance out your mum's views but in that way you might be more extreme in feeling/expressing your opinion. Of course this isn't your 'fault'.

ksaunders · 13/07/2011 08:50

The best thing you can do for her is to listen to what she wants and try to give both sides - the good things about having a baby and the bad things. If you only emphasise the negatives it may make her turn against you on the subject.
You have some time before you see her, so if you can, try to get together a list of websites or contact details that might help her such as details of the benefits she will be entitled to, support groups for young parents etc.

lachesis · 13/07/2011 09:35

'lachesis- are you serious about the being married as a necessary ideal before having children?'

No.

MsChanandlerBong · 13/07/2011 11:53

Hi. It sounds to me like you are a concerned big sister so she is lucky to have someone looking out for her. I think on Saturday the best thing you can do (imo) is listen to what she has to say rather than offer any knee jerk judgement. She might be thinking "oh my god this is a nightmare" or "this is a dream come true" or anything in between.

I think then, once you know her views on her situation, you can start to offer advice and support accordingly.

Although there are a lot of people who have children very young and things turn out well, I'm sure most of them would confirm that it was really difficult for them. So whatever route she decides to go down, I think the best thing you can do is continue to be a concerned/supportive sister.

Good luck on Saturday.

Flip

1 2 3