Pregnant at 16!

[anon80]

Just found out my sister is pregnant, she is 16 nearly 17, the boy ( because thats what he is) is only 16 too. They have known eachother 5 minutes ( 3-4 months roughly)

we are from a broken home, typical council estate,single mother story - I have done good, I bought my flat with my partner at 19 own 2 cars been together 5.5 years now have a little one both have jobs and some money behind us as were saving for a house, im doing well

My sister hasn't even left the country before!!!!

she is comming down on saturday - Do i give her the cold hard A word- or does she even have a side of the story, cos as far as i can see it there is only one option here- tell me your views......am I or am I not being a good sister?

If you persuade her to have a termination and she regrets it, she will never forgive you. By all means point out some of the practical difficulties - but also that there is support out there for young mums.

No, there is not only one option for her. No, she did not get pregnant because YOU did not educate her enough. Yes, it is possible to get pregnant whilst on the pill and there are lots of women, including myself, who have been caught out.

You need to stop concentrating on being a good role model with you lovely little life and start being a good sister by listening to her and supporting HER decision. I agree with MsChanandlerBong in that she might be thinking "oh my god this is a nightmare" or "this is a dream come true" or anything in between and you should be there fore her NOT start giving her the third degree and persuading her to go down the route you think she should take.

Not everyone fits the perfect mould and not everyone has a crap life through getting pregnant young. You can have a job, partner, home, baby, and many cars whilst still having a horrible and difficult life, so stop thinking of how you would like your sister's life to go and start supporting her.

It must be really hard to be in your situation as because you have had a poor mother I guess you might feel responsible for your sisters actions because you have always stepped in and tried to help parent your sister. I think people on this thread are judging you harshly for your comments, the reality is that your have managed to get a stable home and partner before having a child and that is what your want for your sister too. I think you should have a good talk with your sister and find out what she actually wants in life and how having a baby may affect this. I would discuss the A word with her, if possible explore all the options with her, there is no point in being harsh, she is probably terrified. I am generally anti abortion but in same situation I would not impose my views on a family member. She needs to think through all her actions.

My sister and I are both 25 and have a DC. I am engaged, have a 3 bedroomed house with my DP, 2 cars, regular holidays, a decent amount of money, stable jobs. My sister had a very short relationship with her DD's father, lives in a 1 bedroomed flat on a council estate, living on benefits with no car. She'll probably be earning far more than me in 5 years when she's finished her degree though. Does this mean I'm a better mum than she is? I'll let her know!

I don't think her age or situation needs to have any particular outcome on this child. She would be far better off with a supportive sister. If your mum's being positive about it then at least she may have her help and support if/when she has this child.

BTW does your sister even know that you know about this?

I know a woman who had a DD at 17 and is a fantastic mum. She had her mum's support and made a go of it and has ended up with an absolutely gorgeous, clever, funny little girl.

I havn't left the country before (although I did go to Wales once!). We don't even own a bike let alone a car. And we rent our house. Oh... and I'm 21.

I'm going to be a rubbish mum, aren't I?

DD1 Is due next wednesday... but maybe I should think about an abortion...

Mention the A word as a caring sister but don't make her feel this is her only option.

Just because she is pregnant having this baby will not prevent her from getting on in life and getting what she sees as important for her and her family. She is 16 she has plenty of time to get the perfect life, blimey I am 32 soon and I don't even know what my perfect life is yet, but I'm happy so guessing I can't be going to far off track.

Yes it may well make her life goal (if she has one yet) slightly more difficult but it in no way makes it impossible.

Hope you have a nice sisterly weekend and once you see her and chat with her hopefully you will gauge her true feelings about the pregnancy and then you can be the big sister and support her and talk through her options.

motherpanda i have never said that you would/is a rubbish parent! Im not sure where you have got that from. I think your all getting abit of the topic here. At least your partner lives with you and you rent a place together my sister wont even have that.

Ive calmed down alot and obviously it is her descion to make - there is nothing more for me to do and thats the bottom line, its just she hasent known the father long at all and he is younger than her - im not doubting if she will be a good parent or not, im thinking more along the lines of my sisters life....if that makes sense, im not guessing for a second she would regret her child, of course she wouldnt but i feel she will regret the circumstances, the age, the situation and the man, boy whatever that she has had the child with- at the end of it if he throws his hat in and says he wants nothing more to do with anything, it will be my sister thats left holding the baby.

Some people have said that they know people who have gone on to degrees and things thats great, im not painting everyone with the same brush but my sister is not built that way and i dont feel she will go coll, uni or attend courses ect. she doesnt seem to have a drive, to be honest she needs her butt kicked ( nothing to do with being pregnant in the first place)

what also hurts is she will be living at home with my mum with the new baby, so straight away the child is without her dad with regards to living with him/her, poor thing will be bought up the same way we where, I can see history repeating itself already - I just assumed my sister wanted more, but have come to realise that maybe thats just me and she is happy with her upbringing and that she doesnt mind turning out like our mum.

I think the main thing i need to realise is my sister is not me and i cant control her

Thank you all for all your good advise and steering me in the right direction x

Please don't give her 'the cold hard A word' fgs. The first thing you need to do is give her a massive hug.

yes, I would be honest and open and KINDLY and SENSITIVELY say that things are not ideal at all, and that has she considered all her options. If she is considering an abortion, fine, be supportive and don't go in like a bull in a china shop and being judgemental, but HELP HER. If she is absolutely adamant that she will not consider an abortion, please leave it, I don't think any woman should be forced or pressured to have an abortion when she is dead against it.

And if she does decide to keep it, please don't judge her as the scum of the earth. Please. She could well be as successful as you are, she may just take a bit longer about it. This is not the end of her life. Yes, you have done well, but please don't be smug about it. being a teenage mother doesn't mean you have to be a feckless loser.

x posts OP.

You are speaking wise words now - now you have calmed down!

yes I know it is a bloody shock. And it is a shame - bearing in mind what I have said above I really wouldn't recommend teenage motherhood at all, mainly because it is so bloody hard for the mother, and relationships are unstable and the father is likely to fuck off. It is not a bed of roses. However, if she has made her mind up, there is nothing you can do really.

Like you say, perhaps she doesn't view your childhood like you do, and doesn't want to break away from it.

Sorry - I am a tad touchy about the 'a word' - please dont assume that the baby would have a rubbish life because of the circumstances.

As others have said, tak to your sister and support her decision - please dont try to pull her one way or t'other, she may not appreciate it in future.

i fully understand your OP but i personally feel you feel like more of a mother than a sister and as such you want to make motherly decisions. I would initially of felt the same as you but i really think you need to listen before giving an opinion as you might change your opinion once you have had a conversation with her. As regards to her bf, it's her choice who she is with and interfering in that is not a good idea. I stayed with an ex just because my parents wanted me to get rid, stubborness is a terrible thing and at 16 you are an expert at it.

"she doesnt seem to have a drive" - How do YOU know that that won't develop once she has her own child to think about and look after? Do you assume she won't get fed up of living with her Mum?!
"straight away the child is without her dad with regards to living with him/her, poor thing will be bought up the same way we where" - What is so wrong with being brought up with only a Mum?! Not everyone has their Dad around when they are being brought up, for many reasons, and it doesn't mean that they suffer because of this!!
"she is happy with her upbringing" - Why shouldn't she?
"she doesnt mind turning out like our mum" - You are making a lot of assumptions considering you have only been told that she is pregnant by your Mum so far! Maybe you should try talking to your sister instead of making these swift judgements.
It sounds lucky for your sister that you can't control her.
Maybe you should try being a sister and not a judge!

Actually you sound like you feel rather guilty about this - as if your 'good example' wasn't enough to keep her from this outcome. It's understandable, but don't feel that way.

Yes, whoever said the first thing you need to do is give her a big hug is right. After that it's a question NOT of 'leaving her to it' but of helping her to find out her options. Abortion is definitely an option (and she may well feel a bit of pressure from her peers into not wanting one, at that age a lot of them have no clue what having a baybeeee is like and get a bit puppyish about it) but she needs to know your support will be there for her whatever happens.

It's all about the pros and cons now - some independent counselling would be very helpful here as it's often not easy to tell your family what you really feel.

Goodness me, I am quite surprised at all the support a pregnant single (jobless?) 16 year old who lives with her Mum is getting on this thread! We really are breaking away from the MN stereotype aren't we?!!

I think the posts from the OP have a few ill chosen statements in them which people seem to be homing in on, but the underlying message to me seems to be that she is worried for her sister. And the second message in particular shows a certain amount of realism and practicality in what is undoubtedly an emotional situation.

I stand by what I wrote earlier - wait to see what she says about this when you see her, and then offer support as required. Some people really rise to the challenge of motherhood at such a very young age. For me, it would have been my absolute worst nightmare - so who knows how the young lady in question is feeling. Good luck anon80.

Her major worry seems to me to be that she will end up like their mother and not like her!
There are a lot more things to life than money and two cars.
I don't think anyone is condoning pregnancy for a 16 year old, single (?), jobless girl, but nobody should just assume to make the drastic choice of abortion being the only option based on someone else's status, age, and bank account!

Good luck with talking to her anyway. I hope it turns out ok for everyone.

Its narrow minded people like this that really get my goat. I had my daughter at 17, her dad was a total waste of space so i raised her on my own.

I came from a 'broken family' as you would say, typical council house single mum blah blah etc. I didn't want that for her so went back to college, got myself a job, learnt to drive etc.

I am now 24 with a fabulous partner, we have a son too. Own our home, both work really hard.

Who is to say that because she is 16 that she will never make anything of herself? I know that is not what you are saying butit is certainly what you are implying. I think she needs your help and support, not another lecturefrom somebody. The baby has been made, you should help her with that.

Here, here goatshavestrangeeyes!

Good grief you are coming across as a terrible sister.

I think you come across as if you're in shock. I have to be totally honest, if I knew a 16 year old who was pregnant, my absolute first reaction would be to tell them to get an abortion straight away. I can understand how yours is too. Statistically it is MUCH harder to make anything of yourself if you have children very very young, and all the anecdotal stuff otherwise will not change that.

The main thing is that when the shock wears off, you'll all be able to think more clearly.

I agree - the best thing would be to support her, she is probably terrified as it is..

anon, if your sister decides to go ahead with her pregnancy, her dc wont be in exactly the same situation as you and your sister were brought up in. You can be there for your niece/nephew as they grow up and maybe they will see you as a role model.

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. Its understandable to be shocked and worried when a sibling becomes pregnant at a young age. My SIL discovered she was pg on her 15th birthday and DH and I found it very hard to come to terms with--she was so young! She has made a brilliant mother but it has been very, very hard for her and its not something I would want for my daughter.

OP, my SIL also didn't have any drive and having a baby didn't change that. Once her son was about 18 months however, she moved into a house for young mums and then got her own place. She has just completely a 2 year Beauty Therapy course and been offered a job and she's making everyone ridiculously proud In hindsight, DH and I were very hard on her, because we loved her and wanted her to have all the information. If I could change things, I would have had us be gentler with her. Thats the advice I give to you! Good luck to you and your sister.

I agree that people are being a bit harsh on OP.

Maybe this isn't really the best place to ask about it all as we apparently can't help but mainly respond with our opinion on teenage mothers.

Encourage her to speak to someone outside of the family, a counsellor, or a GP.

Even if she had an abortion she may end up in trouble again if she isn't taking her pill properly (I'm not saying she hasn't taken it properly but IF she isn't) so it would be great if you as an older sister can talk to her about that.

And she should use condoms whatever.

If she is pro-choice then abortion is a realistic option for her and she should be allowed to consider it but posters are right when they say you shouldnt push that as she might blame you when she's older.

If I had been in this situation at 16, I think that (personally) it would have been helpful to understand that abortion was a real option that many women take when they aren't in a good position to have a baby. Your sister may or may not know that already.

OP - have you thought about researching some family planning/counselling services in her area that DON'T have a specific pro life or pro choice agenda, and making it easy for your sister to meet them to discuss her options? Helping her to reach an informed choice with the help of someone who specialises in this area and can talk through the issues could be invaluable.

I personally think it is a very difficult situation and have every sympathy with the OP. With the current cuts in public spending, young single mums will be in a crap situation and the realities of this have hardly bitten yet.

Of course it is ultimately the young woman's choice, but the truth is that she may need enormous social and financial support from her family in order to give her baby much of a chance in life - it is understandable the family feel they want more of a say in these circumstances - it could change everybody's life a lot

Your sister may "make something of herself" once she has the baby. Like the other comments on here have shown, having a baby doesn't stop someone going to college, getting a stable job, buying their own home etc..., even if it might make it a bit harder.

Equally, she may end up a single mum in a council house, as you fear, but if she is happy and fulfilled, and a good mum, then surely that counts as making something of her life too?

She is young enough that even if she doesn't show any particular drive at the moment, she could easily change her outlook later. Maybe there are things she wants to do, but she just hasn't told anyone yet?

Its good that you care so much, and seem to be feeling less panicked now. I hope you will be able to have a good talk with her, find out what she wants, what her hopes and fears for her future are, help her access any information she needs, and support her with what she chooses to do.