Things l wish l could put as my facebook status!

[Dummyhunter]

Ok - so there are things l will put and things l wont put on facebook, but l just wondered if there was anyone else out there who would really like to put on a completely honest status and feel better for it.

Here goes - l will go first

If my husband tries to touch my mega sore boobs once more just because 'they look amazing' l will wake him every hour that l am awake during the night throwing up to ask him how amazing they look then!

superjobeespecs - we have been getting weekly telephone calls asking if we are engaged yet from one person or another. A bit cheeky really! When I told my mum & sister that we were going to start trying they were horrified that we were even considering that without being married. Not fun when I'm actually clock watching myself! ha! But these things come in time.
Hope your wedding postponement hasn't caused you too many problems about from rude comments!

Yes, of course we own a TV. I just happen to like having mind blowing, amazing sex much more than watching tele.

Would bossman please approve my holidays as I'm hormonal and likely to break down and cry if he holds out longer. It's been 2 days. And to the pillock in the office who just shjouted at me. Why don't you move out of your parents house. YOU'RE 30!!!!

I would probably say that to people more than facebooking but same difference. :(

Why do you insist on telling me I've put weight on everywhere! I know my arse is the size of a house, I'm pregnant what's your excuse for putting on a stone this month!

Your status updates make you sound rude, uneducated, ignorant and vile and you shouldn't be proud of that, plus as we're linked to each other it reflects badly on me!

Just realised this is in pregnancy and as I'm not pg that was just a wild rant about my fb life. Sorry ladies

aw poor thing!! its just not necessary for other ppl to butt in about it, we've been engaged forever but havent got rings yet, just one of those things! we'll get round to them by next year

managed to rearrange our date with the venue thank god for the price we paid the photographer is a friend so we're ok there most other bits werent set in place fully as we postponed almost immediately after finding out about the baby on board and figuring dates out :)

"I have heat rash in the bit under my boobs and above my bump and under my bump and above my foof - it's hot and itchy and I'm grumpy"

"Just piss off will you - my sister is arranging a pre-baby party, stop interferring and trying to turn it into a baby shower and trying to take over arrangements - just because you are totally obsessed with baby things - you are annoying me now"

LOL - I could go on forever with these

-- has finally, after 5 months of pregnancy, passed a stool to be proud of!

No you cannot touch my stomach just because there are babies in there. Do you want me to maul you too? FUCK OFF.

Actually, that WAS my status update yesterday..

"Yes, I'm pregnant. Yes, I'm sure it's a baby and not just a build-up of pies, you insensitive twunt. No, I don't see why you should grab my bump, and if you touch me I swear to God I will scream RAPE in the loudest possible voice just to fucking well embarrass you."

And one I would DEARLY love to say (although can't...)

"You sit there, you shut up and you fucking well listen. No, I am not having a go at you because of my "pregnancy hormones". No, I am not being unreasonable. No, I am not going to sit here and 'quiet down' because, frankly, I don't give a shit how many people are listening to the "crazy lady". I am yelling at you because you are being an absolute fucking arse, NOT because of my hormones! Just because I'm pregnant does NOT mean you have the ability to say or do anything you like around me, and if you roll your eyes at me one more time I will take my foot and implant it so far up you the next time you see a pregnant woman your testicles will shrivel to the size of peanuts out of sheer fucking fear. You are being a twat and I DON'T LIKE IT!"

For the record, that second one is directed at any shop assistant in the country, any DPD driver, anyone I have to talk to on the phone who knows I'm pregnant, and my family. So, pretty much everyone lol!

nunnie ! That made me spit my tea over the laptop! I think I love you!

NUNNIE and LIBRANLADY l do love you - l feel like we are kindred spirits!!!

However my status today would read

is 14wks pregnant - the size of a house yes she is sure of her date and doesnt really care how big you think she is

I would put "someone who helps people get pregnant for a living REALLY shouldn't be smoking throughout their whole pregnancy - it shows boundless callousness and a stunning lack of empathy".

BTW the smoker is my friend and I'm not the one trying to get pregnant, but feel so utterly furious with her that she just won't STOP. Not to mention how her clients must feel as she waddles in to their appointment 8 months pregnant and stinking of fags.

To everyone who keeps looking at me thinking "she's putting weight on again isn't she" at the school gates every morning - I'm actually 32 weeks pregnant you unobservant idiots!

Also, to the "mother" who was on my friends list initially because I went to school with her & now so that I can spy on her & her "parenting". YOU ARE A LAZY, NEGLIGENT BITCH. You don't work, you don't do housework, you don't walk your primary school aged children to school or pick them up - they dodge traffic, whenever the school has a non-uniform day (NEVER fee paying events) you still send your poor kids in in full uniform. Well, I say full, full of the last fortnight's food/muck anyway. Oh, and your DP - what does he do all day exactly? Work, no. Not because he is looking for work & unable to find any or suffers from some sort of disability - oh no. Because he is twunt who revels in that fact that he doesn't need to work.

Sorry, rant over, can you tell I really have a bee in my bonnet about a certain person? .

yes, I am spotty, yes I am tired and deathly pale, yes my belly has popped already, despite the baby being the size of a strawberry. Now shall we get over that and address the real issue here which is YOUR FUCKING STUPIDITY AND RUDENESS!?

Oh yeah and another thing I STINK OF PIES AND STALE PISS!

lol i love this thread!! mine would be to my step sister by marrrige who lives with my dad and step mum in usa...

if you were in new zealand i would punch u in ur face, u frekin idiot, u think your all grown up now? y because u r married? ur married because u were going to get kicked out of the f*ckn country and the guy u had been seeing for 5months decided to propose! u now being 21 and him being 28 are now living off my dads hard earned money, get ur own flippin house ur married! u havnt worked in over 3years u lazy ass, u havnt paid a bill in your LIFE, and u and ur stuiped mother (stepmum who also hasnt worked in 3years) think u r better then me!! y because i had a baby at 19? i had been with that father for 5years and we had our own house, car etc and we both worked!!! Now ur flippen pregnant ur 4weeks behind me, with both pregnancy iv done everything right!! i eat the right food, i quit smoking i take my vitamins, etc and iv been through hell and back thinking there could be something wrong with my baby ( nh 3.1mm) and u like to put up how ur eating sushi and leftover meat and it no1s fucken busines u immature twat!! ur 21 and still laugh at farts, u and ur husband will probly live at my dads for the rest of ur like and no doubt u will raise ur baby there, when talking to my 3year old on the phone the other day u laughed for 5mins straight because she said she was watching a movie!! u r imature and lazy and smelly! go have a fucking shower and get ur own house!!
sorry ladies im just so flippin mad lol feel better now

Mine today would be something along the lines of -

does chain eating salt and vinegar crisps count as a craving, or am I just a greedy cow? And does it ameliorate the naughtiness somewhat that they're very good quality crisps and, according to the packet, contain no MSG?

'I'd like to connect with other narcissists'

But I don't have a facebook account.

'... if off for her 6 week postnatal check later. Oooh I can't wait to have all manner of prodding and poking to ascertain just how numb her bum-hole still is. Nerve damage, anyone?..'

(ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Feel my lack of pain )

today would be

is off to pick up DD from school hope i dont sneeze or cough too hard cos i may just piss myself as anything but an empty bladder is not acceptable by my bouncing baby boy who is lovingly jumping on it every 5 minutes :) also my breasts seem to have gotten even bloody bigger and have some milky/colostrummy residue around my nipples. lovely.

'My GOD. pregnancy poos are bloody HUGE, still it makes a change from constantly pissing'.