Things l wish l could put as my facebook status!

[Dummyhunter]

Ok - so there are things l will put and things l wont put on facebook, but l just wondered if there was anyone else out there who would really like to put on a completely honest status and feel better for it.

Here goes - l will go first

If my husband tries to touch my mega sore boobs once more just because 'they look amazing' l will wake him every hour that l am awake during the night throwing up to ask him how amazing they look then!

melliebobs is currently increasing the ginger population by 1

only 5+6 so that status is going to have to wait 6 weeks. Eeeeek

Yes my baby is late by a few days. It will come out when it is ready, not when I hit some magic number of people asking if I've had it yet.

'Yes my bump is large, but with 8 more weeks to go it will get bigger. Yes there is only one baby in there I am damn sure. Yes I walk funny but I have gained 26lbs most of which is in my bump the rest of which is fluid in my feet and ankles - this too would make you walk funny. Yes I am tired and grumpy but I haven't slept a night through in 6 months. Yes I am still working full time...I can still manage the 45 minute drive each way. In fact I love the drive, peace and quiet, the radio on and no stupid questions to answer!!! Yes I am aware I am wearing a path in the carpet between my desk, the loos and the water cooler. Yes I have started taking the lift to the first floor, because if I do the stairs you huff behind me because I am going so slow. Yes I am using cloth nappies and no I won't cave in to disposables cos you think they are easier. Stop guessing my babies weight because I am massive!! Stop commenting that my large boobs haven't grown any in PG. Yes I am suffering fom PITA pregnancy symtoms, sickness, tiredness, aches, high glucose, reflux, along with my IBS, but I am trying to get through this, it will be ok in the end with a loverly outcome. I don't need telling that you sailed through PG or I'm obviously awkward to get so many. What about those poor ladies that get worse symtoms - what are they even more awkward? you insensitive f*cker?''

Well that would be to start with :)

I'm not so usually grumpy - honest

Titfer is regularly astounded that getting cramp in her arse is symptom of her pregnancy.

Horse isn't being a antisocial cunt on purpose, I just can't walk 100 meters without feeling dizzy..yes this is because of my pregnancy, and no just because your mum never mentioned it as a symptom does it mean that I'm making it up.

Eviepoo and well done melibobs!

Redexpat is going to club the next person who comments on my belly button sticking out.

One of my FB friends has just posted about how awful her periods are!

caronline, i did change my status to "if anyone suggests ginger to me once more i fear for their safety" no one ever mentioned it again

ha ha ha horse!

When I was pregnant with twins I regularly wanted to post any and all of the following:

1. Yes it will be hard work but I am looking forward to it.
2. Really, you don't envy me, well too bad for you, I think it is wonderful news.
3. Yes, I am still f*ing here (or alternatively: No, I had them last week I am just fat!)
4. Are twins always early, gosh, never been told that (mine weren't early and I had to be induced).

Mine would be Jimmy choo "wants to advise you moronic twunts that yes the bump has got bigger but I'm the best part of 9 months pregnant you prick what do u expect? Or would you rather my bump was the same size as it was in month 7 when you (that has never been pregnant) insisted on telling me my bump was too small and something was wrong"

It's the worst part of pregnancy I reckon....other people!

I havnt really posted about pregnancy on my FB page but have to admit I have made a similar public announcement to above to drop massive hint to certain people in my life. Am also ditching my account near to due date as people constantly asking about twinges already is annoying me and I'm only 37 weeks!

theonlyhb2- ha ha brilliant!

Yes I am still in slow labour. Yes it can go on this long. No I don't look huge thank you. I've dropped, shit have I? I hadn't noticed my baby's head feeling like it's hanging out my pelvis!

Was our baby planned? None of your fucking business! (incidently it was, but the amount of people who think it's ok to ask is unreal even though we are married, been together 6 years and are 29 & 31! ) Nosey buggers.

'No, the pregnancy is not a surprise, I've known all along. I just haven't announced it to you yet because you're either unsupportive or make stupid comments and I don't want to deal with either'. I'm 5 months pregnant and haven't announced yet, I really want to put this when I do announce.

XX got down and dirty and is, rather ill advisedly, growing another. Please keep the volume on your judgypants to a minimum as sleep is at a premium. You will now be returned to your scheduled programming.

(my iPad didn't like the word judgypants, it tried to tell me I meant jiffy ants. This amuses me)

I don't post anything about my pregnancy because I loathe others who report every detail from pregnancy to birth and throughout their childrens early years.

E.g: Awwww Kaydentura just said mummy I need a wee and then accidentally weed himself while I was taking a pic of him for FB before going to the potty" (with accompanying pic). Or the daily update of "8pm, kids bathed and in bed"... who cares?

If I was going to say anything, it would probably be updates about the weird things that happen to you that you aren't told about before getting pregnant. Like "My aereola are the size of small saucers and look like they had a Fake Bake tanning session." Or "Oh bejeesus will these stabbing pains in my cervix never stop?"

And I don't wanna start being that person.

Oh LDNmummy, I'm glad I'm not the only one with baby bore friends!
I have one who is pregnant atm, and everyother status update is;
'XXX is so in love with her bubba bump'
'XXX is so proud of her bubba for kicking'

Agree with above I do not want to become one of those people (I've deleted or hidden a few who feel the need to update facebook with every second of potty training or dribble - bore off love!!) also have asked hubby to shoot me should I even consider taking part in anything farmville like whilst I'm off! Take a year off work to plough a vitual field? Wtf???

See I really really do get how irritating baby bores are on facebook (and try very hard to avoid joining in)... but believe me, the time will come when you too think that kids all bathed and in bed by 8 is actually fairly monumental!! Not that I think I've ever had it as my status..... just envious of those who do..!

And yes I second the "was it planned" question, is utterly bizarre - like even had this one been unplanned I'd willingly want to discuss it with strangers. Nearly as bizarre as the inevitable endless questions post birth like "did you have stitches?" - like I really want to discuss it with anyone other than my dh or a midwife! (yes, sorry, the stupid annoying questions just keep on going even when the bump is gone)

I haven't posted anything about being pregnant for the reason that I didn't want to bore anyone (I've seen far too many: boy or girl, what do you think? Can I get any bigger? In labour...etc etc)

But if I did I would post:

Yes I am very tired, thank you for telling me I will get even more tired in the last few months and that I will hardly get any sleep when the baby comes. I really hadn't thought about that at all.

Heehee; these are all brilliant ladies! Since having 'popped', I feel that the most appropriate status update for me would go something like this:

'Yes, I am pregnant but no... I don't want to talk endlessly about it because believe it or not, I am capable of other topic-related conversation.'

Is is wrong to love your growing child, but get sick of talking about it constantly... There is more to me than simply human incubation?!?!?

Oh god, the baby bores! One of my FB 'friends' posted daily about her pregnancy, and was a compulsive oversharer. One update that I shall never forget:

'XXX is leaking!'

Seriously.

I went to school with her, haven't seen her for 14 years. I don't want to know what she's leaking or where from. She's now had the baby and is posting 2-3 times a day about his diet, bowel movements and how much she adores him. She's very close to being defriended, or at least hidden.

I'm 41 weeks, and mine would be:

'If one more person tells me to eat a pineapple, have a long walk, try hot bath/curry/sex, I will sit on them. It's all bullshit that serves only to distract you from the utter unpleasantness that is the 41st week of pregnancy.'

Today's would be: yes I am still pregnant! Yes having two may be hard for a while. I do realise. No I do not want a vindaloo.

Brilliant thread :)

"no, I am not fucking massive as you keep telling me. My bump is 33cm and I'm 33 wks. That is exactly right and as it should be.
I am very fucking aware my tummy button has popped out, I can see it too.
DON'T TOUCH MY FUCKING STOMACH. Do I come up to you and touch your boobs or cock?
No, Mum, I don't want you to come and stay for three weeks after the baby is born. Three hours will be enough, thanks.
Shit, I've put some weight on? Really?!
Yes, my boobs have got bigger. They're filling up with milk. This is normal, but does not need commenting on.
Can we please talk about something other than pregnancy?
I don't need or want to know about your labour, tearing, leaking, or anything else to do with childbirth. Yes, I know it's going to hurt. No, I don't think I'm going to have trouble just because I'm slim. Yes, I'm sticking my head in the sand because I don't want to know.
I don't give a flying fuck what you think about my plan to have a homebirth. No, it is not stupid or brave. Before you start pontificating about the merits and safety of hospital birth, go and do some research, or LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING BECAUSE I HAVE DONE MY RESEARCH.
If I decide I want more pain relief, I'll go to the hospital. I don't live on an island in the south pacific, I live a mile away from the hospital.
Just because I've met you once does not mean I want to discuss every detail of my pregnancy with you.
No, I didn't have morning sickness. I'm not craving anything. I'm not nesting. Actually, no, that has nothing to do with how healthy the baby is, can you not see the bump on the front of me that you've just said was massive?
Can we PLEASE stop talking about my fucking pregnancy?!?!?!
Yes, I miss drinking and smoking. Stop looking so horrified, my entire character did not change the second I conceived. I'm no saint, and I thought that was why you liked me.
Yes, I am eating a lot. I'm growing a baby. I'm hungry. And as I can't drink or smoke, food is my only solace.
STOP TALKING ABOUT PREGNANCY!!"

Ah, that's better :)