Things l wish l could put as my facebook status!

[Dummyhunter]

Ok - so there are things l will put and things l wont put on facebook, but l just wondered if there was anyone else out there who would really like to put on a completely honest status and feel better for it.

Here goes - l will go first

If my husband tries to touch my mega sore boobs once more just because 'they look amazing' l will wake him every hour that l am awake during the night throwing up to ask him how amazing they look then!

I second everything you have said jenni!

I've got a few:

No I have not "lost the taste" for wine

Yes I do look bigger than when you saw me three months ago

You have never been able to predict the future before, so why has it suddenly come on to detemine the sex of my baby?

My life will change? Really? Shit I am sending it back then, I was going to pop it in a cupboard when I went out.

i'm sorry to say that mine at the moment might read 'really? you're pregnant again...and it was a 'shock'....who have you trapped this time?'

dh's might be (about the same person) 'shall we just cut out the tax middle man and set up a standing order?'

(i am not judgey about unplanned preg in general, just this person - long story)

Argh! The spoilt woman child I know is still begging her dad, over facebook, to buy her a Land Rover. For the sake of my hormones I've hidden her!
Jenni, great list!

'It's fun being asked 'how I'm keeping' TWENTY times a day over and over by the same people.'

Thanks Jimmychoo and awoman :) it's really not like me to be ranty. Ha!

Tbh, I'd be going round and sticking a fork in that girl's eye. A fecking landrover?! Nice work on keeping calm and just hiding her!

Rant away Jenni! It's sad that people forget I/we have other interests than talking about babies, if I have another person suggest a baby name to me I may throttle them...

Her facebook update was 'Yay! My lovely daddy has just booked my honeymoon..three weeks in Spain woohoo! Next on the list is the Landrover. Thank you daddy..love you lots xxxxx' .

Have loved reading these ladies and mine would read after a weekend of anouncing being pregnant

Get your hands off my belly - my husband isnt allowed to touch me at the moment so what makes you so special! (thinking of getting this printed on a T shirt!)

and

Yes we have a one year old (we wanted a small age gap) and yes this pregnancy was planned!

Just how rude can people be! Why can they just say congratulations

JenniL1977 - l know how you feel!!

I want to cuddle my adorable brand new baby. Why does my lovely new little baby not want to come out and meet me?! I'm so sick of being over due, now feck off and stop asking me how I'm doing.

or

Why does MN think it's funny to lose a grumpy very pregnant woman's long post when she is clearly not thinking straight enough to copy it first?

I would really like to put 'Can everyone stop commenting about my pregnancy because not only am I overdue and fed up, but I have several FB friends who are struggling to start a family and it must drive them mad every time they log on and see someone commenting on the impending arrival of my third child when they would just love to have one'

To coworker:
I have a name. You knew it before I got pregnant. You may recall that name was not "mummy", so if you refer to me one more time as "mummy" I will brain you with a large, heavy object. Also if you ask me one more time how "baby" is doing or try and touch my belly I will scream loudly and pretend to go into labour.

To my mother:
Yes, I have put on weight. I'm coming up to 18 weeks pregnant. I thought I would be immune from the weight police for at least 9 months of my life but I guess you would prefer to tell me how going from 10st8 to 11st5 is going to make me have a miscarriage, get preeclampsia, gestational diabetes and have a stillbirth all at the same time. And telling me that the reason I have sciatica is because I'm too fat is not helpful. Do you ever wonder why I don't respond to your texts?

To my husband:
Yes I see all that flaky crud on my nipples and it's freaking me out too. I really hope you were joking when you made that "eugrrgh" face because I feel unsexy and unattractive enough already.

Gosh, that felt good.

I'm 35/36 weeks. I would like to ask FIL why he thinks he knows the date of my last period better than I do, and whay he thinks he knows better than my obstetrician when my baby is due. Whenever I say "5 weeks to go" he smiles smugly and looks at my bump and shakes his head and says, "well, if you say so...whatever you say...we'll see!".

And then I want to strike him. repeatedly. with something large and heavy.

My status update would be: The reason I am bigger than most pregnant women you see is that most pregnant women you see are not 8 months pregnant. Most are less. Its simple maths, and the fact that you are so shocked by my (normal sized) 36 week bump only proves you are a thoughtless idiot.

mine would be
feck off with your moaning about a bit of nausia, try hyperemesis, i wasnt being a wimp when i had a hospital trip to go on a drip
why do i lose my babies when i do all i can to keep them safe yet you smoke drink sleep around and do nothing good for the kids you have already yet your babies all turn out fine?
stop telling facebook you love your kid just tell your kid
dont ask if im pregnant when you know i have lost 2 i will tell you when im ready so that i dont have to tell you ive lost another one
just because you are mil it doesnt give you the right to tell everyone about my pregnancy or m/c its my place to tell them IF i want them to know,

argh, I just pressed 'post message' and for a horrible moment I thought I had posted n FB not on MN.

Yes to all of these (apart from LandRover woman). And absolutely cannot wait for baby to be born so I can have a new raft of stupid comments to get annoyed by.

Think I might just tell huge porkies to see what I can get away with. "No we're not tired at all", "actually he sleeps for 12 hours straight every night, and always has", "yes of course you can have a cuddle Complete Stranger. In fact you can have him for an hour whilst I finish my shopping. Thanks very much."

Msbunnywinkle and company, I'm soo glad its not me, I've been that embarassed I've been dreaming about doing it in front of my year 9s!

good i closed my fb because of baby bores i wanted to kick, some of them good friends but done my head in!! if i was still on it my status update would more than likely be this:

1. yes i am getting big im 22 weeks now babies grow
2. ive had my cravings
3. no its not abnormal to get them at the start of PG it happened with DD too
4. please stop telling me i look unwell, im aware my skin has broken out and my hair is a matted curly mess.. this is because i am pregnant and very very tired. it takes all my effort to get DD to school then get home again let alone make myself gorgeous just to shut you up
5. yes i know my tummy button hasnt popped. its not because i was overweight before i fell pg as i was a size 12 with DD and didnt pop then. some ppl dont.
6. no my having a latte and a snickers isnt bad for the baby, im allowed 3-5 cups a day of standard non decaff coffee so i think 1 milky coffee once a week or so is not dangerous. nor am i allergic to nuts, as OH isnt either it poses no risk

I don't say anything on FB unless it's funny (OK, I aim for mildly amusing as a minimum) or interesting. I absolutely agree with apricotears - my SiL is constantly posting things about her shitty life and the temptation to post an honest comment is far more tempting than the temptation to post an honest status update.

Which, btw, would simply be an announcement of the pregnancy, but I can do that in 2 days anyway, so not long now.

Would desperately love to post an honest comment to my SiL's latest though, where she's complaining about both her kids being ill all the time.
"Well, if you occasionally fed them something resembling a nutrient, or even something that's not bright orange, then maybe their immune systems would have a vague chance of fighting off all those bugs. Not to mention the fact that you smoked throughout pregnancy with both of them, so that probably didn;t help. Oh yeah, and if you offer me one more piece of 'advice' about pregnancy I am going to end you."

I'd say...

"Yes, I'm pregnant and working - how shocking. But guess what, I'm pregnant not ill..."

"If you have nothing useful to say (and I can almost guarentee you don't), shut up" (ok that's to about particular 3 women)

"You might have weight issues but I'm perfectly happy having put on LOTS of weight; and no, I'm not sorry that I still weigh less than you" (to a work collegue)

"I'm meant to look pregnant, your mother was, there's no need to stare"

"Leave my boobs alone they are swollen and leak for a reason" (to DH)

"Yes my boobs are bigger, but I still have a face you can look at"

"No I haven't contacted the authorities to change my name to "bumby" you can still you my christian name"

"No we haven't choosen a name yet at 38 weeks... its not an illness, its a decision"

That's better - excellent thread

bumpy - not bumby

Haven't told anyone I'm pregnant again yet as last baby was only born 15 weeks ago, at the time would have liked to of said yes I do realise there is 8 years between each of them and no that doesn't mean it was an accident, yes I do look like shit I've lost a stone and a half through being sick , no you can't touch it get the f*k off do I touch you! Now he's here it's is he good, no we caught him smoking out his bedroom window last night, he's a baby for gods sake! does he sleep, yes course he does just not when I'd like him too! And I'm sure this time it will be 2 under 1 your gonna have your hands full! Really I'd never thought of that, was it planned fk off fk off f*k off

First would be 'I'm pregnant!' because we aren't telling people yet. Then I think I'd take advantage of being pregnant to say to irritating attention seeker who hates her job:
'if you flipping hate your job then just quit it. You are a TEACHER, you shouldn't be making fun of the kids. It isn't funny or clever. It just makes you sound like a b*h. Oh and when I say that I can't do something because of a serious (non PG related) illness, it is not cool or funny to 'like' it. Shut up and go bother someone else'

ooooh that felt good!!
Also have a baby bore too but as she is quite a good friend I give her a little leeway. Anyone else and they'd be in trouble big time.

I'm sure I'll be trying to hold in things like:
'Yes I'm aware my skin has broken out. No I can't do anythiing about it.'
'My midwife says x. Are you a midwife? No? Shut up then'
and
'yes I'm not married, no I'm not trying to trap him or force him to marry me, we've been together 4 years before PG. I don't care if he marries me now or in 10 years. Yes the baby was planned. No, I don't care what you think.'

This is fun!

oh ive had that mummymccar we were intending to get wed this august but i'd be about 6/7 months and a whale so we've postponed and with some ppl its '' ooh you've ramped that up with the wedding there i thought ud never do it the time it took you'' to the complete opposite end of the scale '' ooh postponed? poor love it'll be the pressure of another wean wont it aw dont worry doesnt mean he will leave you''!!!!!!!!!!

grargh!!

Yes I STILL feel shit - STILL!! - and that's neither exciting nor funny.

Yes I am going to drink that can of diet coke. Even though I am pregnant.

We refer to it as THE baby

Another day with knickers full of vaginal secretions.