Husband doesn't want me to have a doula.

[nunnie]

Bit dissapointed but I think I can see where he is coming from.
He feels that by me even wanting one and discussing it with him that I in some way blame him for the EMCS, and that he has to try and defend the hospital for their choice to do one. This was not why I wanted a doula, I wanted one because I want a VBAC and have some paticular things I want in my birth plan followed, and if this labour becomes as hectic as my previous then I didn't think either me or my husband would have the strength to be firm.
He has said he will do his very best to avoid them doing something I specifically don't want them to do.

Has anyone else had this before and felt quite guilty for even thinking about wanting extra support?

I have no intention of hiring a doula if he is not happy.

I just feel bad and don't know how to make him realise I did not at all blame him or myself, or the hospital for anything that happened in my previous labour.

It hasn't been an issue for us, because dh is a very good birth support partner, but my dh would struggle with a doula and has said as much. It is worth saying that a doula is there for the couple, even though a lot of the focus is on the woman.

Is there a way to sell this as being related to you needing more 1-to-1 clinical support than you are likely to be able to get for a VBAC without a doula? It's not that your DH isn't a good birthing partner or anything to do with the outcome of your previous birth experience, just that a doula is specifically trained for this kind of scenario and can negotiate more effectively with the staff in the maternity ward, it's one of the reasons you would hire one.

Not knowing your circs, you might also encounter childcare issues in a long childbirth that weren't an issue last time around, so knowing you won't be alone if your DH has to pop out for a while to sort that out is also reassuring?

i think he is being very unreasonable,and a bit selfish.

it is you thats giving birth not him!

why the hell would he deny you something that you think may help you?!
im quite frankly that you are not standing up for yourself a bit more!

tell him,its NOT about him ! its about what's best for you and your baby!

and if you will be more comfortable knowing there will be someone extra there to help you both ,then you should absolutely not feel guilty about it!!

it means your DH can go to the loo without leaving you alone,he could sleep,eat,shower,and tidy the house/get babys things ready,without having to leave you alone.
you can ask your doula to not interfere with certain things so as not to 'push out' your DH.
but i really think its pretty rubbish off him to put his own feelings before yours in this situation...

I think your DH is missing the point of a doula.

I had a difficult birth with DD, ending in a forceps delivery. I do not blame DH for that, and think he was as loving and supportive as I could possibly wish. But it was the first time he'd been at a birth. There is no way he could have the depth of experience to say "have you thought of trying X position" or "one woman I worked with found Y helped" or "has anyone checked whether Z". Part of why we're having a doula this time (of which he's totally supportive and excited) is to provide that extra level of care. The bit between the loving support he will give me, and the clinical approach that midwives follow (especially if they are busy).

There are so many other things she can do to help, including in my case helping me work through DD's birth and approach this next one really positively. But none of them undermine DH's role. It's not about taking away from him, it's about adding another layer of support on top.

Is there any way you could compromise with him agreeing to meet a doula and see what he feels after having chatted to her? They must be used to reticent partners.

I personally find the idea of employing someone to be "firm" when you and your husband would change your mind in a particular situation a bit worrisome.

Doulas don't have medical training, and I think it's best to make decisions based on advice of medical professionals (i.e. midwives and doctors) which depends on the situation and not on the basis of a birth plan or some romantic ideal.

I too had an EMCS - which TBH I think could have been avoided if I'd had my marbles and thought about it.

cat64 - the point of the doula is that she's experienced, she's seen it all before, and she doesn't have the panic/worry/emotional investment that the father and mother have so she can stand back and be firm when medical staff are taking the easy route/well worn path rather than taking a bit more time to try something else first.

I completely understand where you're coming from OP, but I'm afraid I have no idea how to go about helping you explain why to your husband

I had an EMCS first time round.

VBAC second time round, with a doula. In the end she wasn't there for the birth itself which was a ventouse delivery in the theatre, but she was hugely supportive to me and DH during labour.

He said it took the pressure off him to have someone else there for us both, who knew what had happened first time, and what I wanted, and who was able to support all through labour - not just pop in and out like the MWs do.

That said, the aim is to have a good birth outcome, which may not necessarily end up as a VBAC but may be another CS. A good doula will help you take on board medical advice and help you both be confident.

It was the best few hundred quid I've ever spent.

Are you and DH in disagreement about going for a VBAC, or just about the doula?

I think you should at least insist on you both meeting one and giving him (and you) the chance to discuss everything.

Hi nunnie

I am a doula (in fact I'm secondtimelucky's doula and I wanted to reassure you that about 50% of the time when women get in touch they let me know that their partners aren't sure/aren't keen/are actively hostile. It's really normal for them to have that 'oh well you must think I'm crap at this if you need to bring in someone else' reaction - which I can totally understand.

What I would say is that doulas are, across a broad range of studies, proven to improve outcomes in labour. Here are the conclusions from the Cochrane review www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/213282630 of 21 studies:

" - Women allocated to continuous support were more likely to have a spontaneous vaginal birth and less likely to have intrapartum analgesia [pain relief during labour] or to report dissatisfaction.

• In addition their labours were shorter, they were less likely to have a caesarean or instrumental vaginal birth, regional analgesia, or a baby with a low 5-minute Apgar score.

• Subgroup analyses suggested that continuous support was most effective when provided by a woman who was neither part of the hospital staff nor the woman?s social network, and in settings in which epidural analgesia was not routinely available

• AUTHORS? CONCLUSIONS: Continuous support during labour has clinically meaningful benefits for women and infants and no known harm. All women should have support throughout labour and birth."

There haven't been specific studies on VBAC, but to my mind the support of someone both before the birth (to help you work through last time and make a really strong plan for this time) and during the birth (to support, encourage you and actually empower your husband to be a great birth partner) is even more crucial when the first birth didn't go to plan and when there are a set of 'rules' placed around the labour and birth.

Perhaps you could print off a copy of the study for DH? It might help him see this isn't about him (which is what I get from reading your post) but that it's about giving you the best possible support team at for your VBAC.

I wonder also whether you need to note down your reasons for wanting a doula and include those when you give him the study - so he can calmly see that once again this isn't about any sort of blame or percpetion of his not having been good enough last time.

I find that actually meeting a couple of doulas tends to have a fairly dramatic effect on partners. They see that this is someone non-threatening who is actually interested in supporting them too and who will just take off that pressure they are no doubt feeling. I also often say that just by knowing there's someone there should they need the loo/need a break/get exhausted/need to eat/feel faint etc can make it a more pleasant and less stressful experiene for them.

It sounds to me as if you'd like to at least explore having a doula and in my mind it is definitely worth trying to push for meeting a few to see what DH thinks. Most men do eventually see the benefit (and often afterwards become evangelical!) of having a doula once that actually realise what we do/are like and that fact that we aren't there to take over.

I'm happy to help you find some local doulas to talk to if you PM me, but would gently and firmly encourage you to be a bit persistent if you can.

Hi Squiggley - 4am? I take it the sleep hasn't improved!

Nope - if anything it's getting worse. Hope your DD is sleeping better. Who'd have children eh?!

I wanted a doula when things started getting a bit tricky and at first DH was a bit reluctant as he thought he might feel excluded (and maybe he thought he didn't defend me as much last time, or that I might have felt that) but I spoke with some and she advised me of the role of doula, we spoke some more about it and met one and he was completely happy, even seeing the benefits from his perspective as well (last time, I wouldn't even let him out to pee!). He did, ultimately, acknowledge that it is my body, I will be doing the hard work and that therefore it's my decision, but I felt better knowing it's one he's completely happy with.

I do not have a doula..my mom seems to think she knows best..

HI Squiggley - could you please repost that link? It says the report is not available when I click through.

I had a doula and I didn't really need one but it still wasn't a bad thing to have, under your circumstances the doula will support you both, let him pop out for a guilt free cuppa, hold his hand if you end up in theatre that sort of thing, it's as much for his benefit as yours.

I can see why he wouldn't-it is bound to make him feel a spare part.

WidowWadman It is important to take in medical advice from actual professionals, but due to being overstretched, many will give you advice based on the standard rather than look at your chart. I had a midwife repeatedly trying to get me to have something that is medically dangerous for me to have due to my unusual medical history. Having someone else there to deal with people when your energies are elsewhere can be very helpful.

Oh and MW love doulas it means they can leave you unattended in the birth pool for example.

exoticfruits not if you brief your doula well beforehand, I can't see why it wouldn't just be additional support for both.

Sorry about that, try this one: www2.cochrane.org/reviews/en/ab003766.html

p.s. I've never worked with a couple exoticfruits who felt after the birth as if I'd made the partner's role redundant. I can totalyl see how people would think that if they haven't met with/worked with a doula, but our role is really about supporting both partners.

In fact a lot of the testimonials I've had from people actively mention how I have empowered the man and not taken over. See hackneydoula.co.uk/?page_id=24

squiggley that study isn't about doulas per se but about 'continuous support' defined as:

"The continuous support was provided either by hospital staff (such as nurses or midwives), women who were not hospital employees and had no personal relationship to the labouring woman (such as doulas or women who were provided with a modest amount of guidance), or by companions of the woman's choice from her social network (such as her husband, partner, mother, or friend)."