Husband doesn't want me to have a doula.

[nunnie]

Bit dissapointed but I think I can see where he is coming from.
He feels that by me even wanting one and discussing it with him that I in some way blame him for the EMCS, and that he has to try and defend the hospital for their choice to do one. This was not why I wanted a doula, I wanted one because I want a VBAC and have some paticular things I want in my birth plan followed, and if this labour becomes as hectic as my previous then I didn't think either me or my husband would have the strength to be firm.
He has said he will do his very best to avoid them doing something I specifically don't want them to do.

Has anyone else had this before and felt quite guilty for even thinking about wanting extra support?

I have no intention of hiring a doula if he is not happy.

I just feel bad and don't know how to make him realise I did not at all blame him or myself, or the hospital for anything that happened in my previous labour.

Well, it's a real shame, as has been said, I'd feel super miffed if DH wouldn't even agree to a discussion. It sounds like you'd rather not push it, but I do think it's him that's being unreasonable.

Blimey, if you're dh can't support you on this, how on earth can you trust him to do what is in YOUR best interests and YOUR needs on the day?

The reason he doesn't want to do this is because he says he is capable of doing what's best on the day. He is also worried that by me having one I somehow believe it will make this labour perfect and without a glitch, and he is worried that this will stop me from agreeing to something that may be required for the safety of myself and the baby. I think he is trying to say that even with a Doula something could go wrong, and the best people to help will be the professionals present in the hospital anyway. And if I am going to have the perfect birth then this can be achieved without a Doula too.
My DH hasn't failed to do what is in mine and the babies best interests in my previous two births, so I do trust him when he says he will do the same this time.
It is a two way thing we have to both want a Doula as an atmosphere in the delivery room is the last thing I want.

MW's are careful to give you excellent care when there is a knowledgable witness doula.

It can be worth it for that.

"I think your chances of a successful VBAC are quite low, given what you've said here" Why?

My DH won't talk about my last birth, he will happily discuss my first birth as he could focus on DD whilst I was in theatre having the placenta manually removed.
To be honest my last birth isn't something I like to talk about in RL, I tend to discuss it on here to avoid discussing it with friends and family. I have to say I blame no one for what happened and I think the staff apart from a junior doctor were all fantastic.

I just know with VBAC there are time restriction policies associated with 2nd stage which I may have no problem whatsoever with, I didn't with DD, but if I do I only want intervention when it is necessary not when a policy dictates. If they tell me that intervention is necessary for the safety of myself or my baby then I won't argue, but if they say intervention is needed now because the time egg timer has pinged, this is where I want to be able to say, let me try naturally for a bit longer. Which I am sure when faced with it I will be strong enough. But as someone who attended a Consultant appointment on Monday wanting an ELCS and came away wanting to try for a VBAC I am not sure I have too mcuh confidence in myself when faced with a professional advising me.

Mine didn't sit and knit, but she did sit in the corner quite unobtrusively most of the time. I didn't want any backrubs or anything like that anyway, but DH was the one who was up and about by the bed, holding the gas and air, giving me a damp flannel etc...

The pre-prep meetings were really good, we debriefed the first birth and talked about hopes and fears (mine and DH) and made a rough plan and options.

What she did on the day was back me and DH up. At what point I wanted a cereal bar, but the MWs had said they strongly recommend no food. The doula said go ahead and eat. Where I think my DH might have said 'better do what the MW says'

And what she did was watch me so she knew how the labour was progressing. When the MWs pop in and out they have to rely on the monitor because they are not watching you continuously. But the monitor kept losing connection when ever I moved, so that would have meant staying sitting/lying on the bed. With the doula there I could take off the monitor and move around, because she could see if anything changed, where as DH (or me) would not have recognised how labour progresses, and spotted warning signs of problems.

At one point I remember the midwife coming in and saying save your energy love you've got a long way to go, and the doula said no you are nearly there (I thought you're just saying that because i'm paying you! ) - and when they examined me I was at 9cm.

The egg-timer protocols they have are there for safety, based on statistics and erring on the side of caution, based on you labouring without someone there monitoring you all the time. The doula being there is like an extra safety mechanism that buys you a bit more time and flexibility if you need it, rather than just going against the medical protocols without 1-to-1 care.

She also gave DH a chance to go to the cafe for a cuppa, and went and made toast after the birth.

I do think your DH is being unreasonable in not even agreeing to interview/meet a prospective doula or two.

Something my Doula (of course I have to have one myself) has been drumming into me the last couple of weeks is if I want to VBAC I have to be single minded about it. OH knows I want to do it but he's worried, he'll fold pretty quickly because he doesn't want to see me or the baby hurt. I know that my Doula will support what I want for as long as I want her to but I also know that if the time comes where I'm not putting us first she will tell me I need to think about what they're saying to me.

OH believes the hospital when they tell me that we're not even discussing it. He believes that I'm going to split open and he'll end up losing one or both of us. The Doula knows that's an exaggeration. She knows that it's my choice, she has all the links I need to understand my options and the statistics. She knows who I need to talk to in the hospital to get a sympathetic ear - OK, as I said I know it because I've directed my own clients the same way but I still needed the kick up the bum to do it!

Gah wrote long post and it got eaten but the gist was why not consider an antenatal doula?

You sound like you want some level of support or validation or preparation (not sure what but something!) that your DH can't provide, maybe because he doesn't understand on some level what you went through? Perhaps an antenatal doula would help you debrief your previous birth, give you some helpful VBAC advice, firm up your birth plan and make you both more assertive and confident without being there on the day especially if you found one with a similar experience to yours.

"You sound like you want some level of support or validation or preparation (not sure what but something!)"

Not sure I do to be honest. Think I just like the idea of having someone there to be firm when me and DH would maybe agree to everything.

I am sure if push came to shuff we can do this, like I have said earlier this isn't my 1st VB so I have some experience and so does my body and my DH.

I can make an appointment with a midwife for a debrief and they will have access to my previous notes to fill in the gaps.

I think deep down I didn't want as much pressure put on my husband as I was unable to really agree to anything due to fitting and losing contiousness and under the circumstances and advice of the Consultant it was decided an EMCS was needed and I don't argue that it wasn't. He has said that he didn't feel any pressure he could see me, he could hear the dips in my sons HB and he took on board everything the Consultant said, the decision was taken out of his hands due to wanting me and his son to be ok.
I suppose I am being unreasonable myself in thinking he would agree to anything even if there is no signs of distress to either of us.

I can't make him see one, and there isn't a great deal of point in me seeing one alone, so we have plenty of time to work out a plan ourselves.

Due to previous surgery on my cervix, I progress through stage 1 very quickly, with my DS I arrived at hospital pushing. So I don't have a fear that we will be left alone, as once pushing the hospital midwife is there for the duration in my last case there were three there for the first 30 minutes as it was thought that it might be a rapid birth so extra hands were needed to prepare the room for arrival. I also had a paediatric doctor present throughout for other reasons. So hopefully I won't even have time to notice what is going on this time round.

The reason I changed my mind from a ELCS to VBAC was due to a conversation with the Consultant who in no way talked me out of an ELCS she just gave me information that helped me make and informed decision. My main fears were uterine rupture due to gap between this pregnancy and my previous EMCS and my main fear of giving birth on the way to hospital and rupturing in the car, after a long chat with her I decided that I only wanted one as I was convinced I was going to rupture and for no other reason which after reading various articles is a small risk to base my entire decision on.

I wrote this thread because I felt guilty for making my DH feel worthless which was not my intention. I have decided there are other avenues we can explore and hopefully we will find one we both agree on, there isn't any point in forcing one avenue on him, expecially if it makes him feel useless.

Having a child is not just about a woman, it is about the whole family and descisions should be shared with everyone feeling comfortable. I agree that if he doesn't feel comfortable with a doula, there is no point in having one, a doula should be helping you both feel relaxed and in control, not more stressed and uptight.
I think its unfair to say this makes it less likely nunnie will acheive her vbac (and if it helps, I'm ha[ppy to talk through your birth plan on the phone anytime hun).
Some doulas do, 'do' things in labour, not just knit, there are diffeent philosophies and training. But I think that al doulas would want to leave a woman/couple fter a bith, think 'we did that' not that they couldn't hav done it without their doula.
Selina x

Thank you Selina.

What Selina said

The only thing I'd add is I think it might be worth you and DH trying to talk through your last birth. I know it'll be hard but it seems like you both need to do a bit of debriefing so you can move on and claim this new birth experience as different. Even if you can't bring yourselves ot talk it through writing down the story of the birth can be a useful release.

I'm sure you and DH will make a great team and MN (and the various resident doulas) are always here if you need us.

Forgot to say Selina, I am going for my 20 week scan on the 29th, so will be thinking about writing my birth plan after that so I will PM you if that's okay, and get in touch with you regarding it. Thank you for the very kind offer.

Thank you sqiggleywiggler, we do need to talk it through, but I always ned up in tears so don't get very far, it was only just over 6 months ago so it is very raw. DH seems to avoid certain aspects too thinking I have forgotten or was unaware of certain things that were going on and he doesn't want to upset me more.

Wow. I really really would not be impressed by this.

The whole point of your DH supporting you during (and in the run up to) labour is surely to facilitate whatever makes YOU more comfortable or confident, thus maximising your chaces of a good birth? In refusing to consider a doula, he is effectively failing in supporting you from the word go. His priority thought is the way HE feels, not the way YOU feel.

'I will support you...but only in the way that is best and most comfortable for ME.'

That isn't support. It's quite manipulative and effectively putting another level of pressure onto you - to make it also 'work' for him! I'm sorry, but I think that in itself makes him a pretty low quality potential birth partner!

How about you point this out to him? And say that right now, the support you wish to have takes the form of him actually reading about what a doula offers and understanding that it is very much NOT a replacement for the emotional support of a birth partner. The doula will be able to offer a clinically-aware level of protection that your DH CANNOT. If he wants to prevent you from accessing that - call it what it is - his feelings coming before yours. So, so wrong.

It sounds quite clear that you don't blame him in any way for previous difficulties. Nor should you. It sounds as if he has done his best all along. However, it might be worth pointing out that should you come out of this birth thinking 'I really wish I had had someone there on 'our side' who was able to give some statistics or quote NICE guidelines when x happened' - then you could very easily, and probably quite rightly, come out of this one blaming your partner for making things harder than they needed to be.

He needs to put his ego in second place. He is NOT a trained birth assistant or advocate. He needs to see the difference between genuinely suporting you and playing the role HE wants to play.

Surely it is about what makes us both comfortable? #And whatever the outcome of this birth I will not blame him.

Do PM me Nunnie when you are ready.
There's plenty you can both do to make it more likely you will have a happy, successful vbac this time.
S x

Firstly I agree it should be the one time it is all about you. He is being selfish.

Anyhoo, would he perhaps consider what Frakyouveryverymuch suggests; meeting one (or two) for before the birth, so you can both sit down and go through what happened in your previous births (and after) and get yourselves A Plan? She could perhaps give him a few pointers re standing firm.
Then, maybe when he 'gets' what it is all about he might be amenable to her being in the room on the day? It seems like a reasonable compromise (although I don't think you should have to IMO)

I will do Selina thank you x

Had a doula for both my births (and having one for birth no. 3 in a few months time). I think it's really important that you and your DH interview them together, and be upfront about your DH's negative feelings. You can say to your DH that you will not hire one unless he agrees. For my first birth, we interviewed 4 doulas. One of them just 'clicked' with both of us. We had her for the second birth too (and would for the third but have moved too far away).
She did not rush around busily during the births - the whole point is that she appeared to do very little, but she somehow created this very peaceful, calm atmosphere, which allowed me to give birth naturally with all the right hormones kicking in. She kept the stress away so that DH could be my birth partner, right there by my side holding my hand throughout. The doula just stepped forward at crucial moments with small suggestions (a change of position / let go of the gas and air now etc.) Each of those suggestions made a HUGE difference (MWs don't have time to pay attention to you in that way in my experience). She also acted as a go-between with the very unpleasant MW I had at the first birth, which meant that neither I nor DH had to get involved with that, and could both concentrate on me.

DH is very enthusiastic about doulas now, and doesn't feel that it conflicted with his role at all (presumably your DH doesn't see any conflict with the MW, well, the doula is simply another specialised role which does not overturn his).

I would really advocate you suggesting to your DH that the two of you just meet some doulas and chat to them. No need to take it further, no pressure on him, but that will give him a more informed insight.

Sorry Twit (sorry, that sounds rude), other than springing a suprise meet on him which I am not willing to do, he doesn't want to meet or interview any, as he feels he can be the supportive firm unemotional presence I need. He has said he will be firm until they say it is necessary for the safety of myself and the baby then he will go with their professional opinion. As long as I have been through my birth plan with him (once it's written and I know what I really want in it, hopefully with the help of Selina), he will make sure he reads up on everything related to my concerns and will go in there armed with information relevant to my plan and previous history.

I personally think to force this on him even by way of a meet is selfish on my part to be honest.

One thing I would recommend is to go see a chiropractor. I recommend it to any of my clients that have had babies with positiong issues and I am seeing one myself this pregnancy (my DD was persistant posterior)
I think this one might be near you-
www.body-at-ease.co.uk/index.html
S x

And/or Maya abdominal massage-
thebabymaker.co.uk/arvigo_therapy.html
And are you taking vitamins? Pregnacare is good. Low iodine levels have been linked with positionig issues.
S x