Husband doesn't want me to have a doula.

[nunnie]

Bit dissapointed but I think I can see where he is coming from.
He feels that by me even wanting one and discussing it with him that I in some way blame him for the EMCS, and that he has to try and defend the hospital for their choice to do one. This was not why I wanted a doula, I wanted one because I want a VBAC and have some paticular things I want in my birth plan followed, and if this labour becomes as hectic as my previous then I didn't think either me or my husband would have the strength to be firm.
He has said he will do his very best to avoid them doing something I specifically don't want them to do.

Has anyone else had this before and felt quite guilty for even thinking about wanting extra support?

I have no intention of hiring a doula if he is not happy.

I just feel bad and don't know how to make him realise I did not at all blame him or myself, or the hospital for anything that happened in my previous labour.

Thank you Selina I have a chiropractor I have used in the past for a herniated disc so will contact him. Haven't been taking any supplements since stopping folic acis will get some pregnicare I didn't know that.

The reason I suggested using a doula antenatally is that hospital policy where I am is 1 birthing partner, obviously my DH, but having had a doula help us both prepare has been invaluable - talking about our fears and expectations, helping with a birth plan especially what is or isn't practical before taking it to the MW and getting us to feel more confident and clear.

That IMO is a totally different role to what DH will be doing and it was something that even with the best will in the world he couldn't give me, and the MW doesnt have the time (or the impartiality).

Ask him if he is familiar with the 'webster technique' its the one they usually use to correct twisted pelvis etc.
S x

Will do Selina, think he has a website actually, just have to remember his name .

Just a thought really, nunnie. Does your DH understand that a doula is not simply for 'standing up' to the doctors etc. or for 'being a good birth partner' - which I understand he believes he can do himself. It's for helping improve the birth atmosphere and the way the birth goes, which will reduce the chances of things going wrong and a CS being needed. frakyouverymuch makes a good point about how the doula helps you with her antenatal visits to discuss your birthplan etc. Mine has given me very helpful books to read on the particular issues I'm concerned about. I didn't have an understanding of the physiological events of birth (hormones etc.) which I now understand better, and I see how my doula's presence at all my births has helped that physiological process happen. Her presence also helped my DH have the right attitude to help with that physiological process. Your DH may be being naive if he thinks he can be a great birth partner without that understanding.

My DH has been a good birth partner so far, the need for an EMCS last time was out of everyones control and would still have been an issue even with the presence of a Doula it was unavoidable. My previous birth with my first was all quick and good and being both our firsts it did not go as we had thought it would which was a good thing. The only thing that went wrong was again avoidable and unpreventable even with the presence of a Doula.
This time round maybe it was me being naive to think that this birth will be full of complications and wanting a little control over something that I had no control over last time.
Which is what he has been arguing that even with the presence of a Doula the outcome for my previous two births would not have changed.

If the outcome for a great birth partner is a perfect birth then no he hasn't be great and wouldn't claim he has, if the qualities of a great birth partner is someone who has been faced with a tough decision and has made the right one whilst also being worried and scared himself then he has been great.

Sorry Nunnie, but I'm with the camp that thinks your DH s being selfish and frankly a bit of an arse. He's not even meeting you halfway here by agreeing to meet some doulas with the proviso that you won't hire one unless you're in agreement. I think that is very sad. Some part of you really wanted to explore this & he's quashing it for his own issues/reasons!

I don't have the money for a doula, but if I did, my DP would support me in looking into it at the very least. I think he would see it as a way to enhance my care, and as he is very nervous (this is our first) he would be grateful for the extra expertise & support.

Thank you for the advice.
I have decided a Doula is not an option, but there is plenty me and DH can do together t make this birth as close to birth plan as possible.

This is our 3rd so we have some idea of what to expect good or bad. There is no way of knowing what affect the previous birth experience has had on DH, it may well make him the perfect partner I won't know till the day.

Well good luck, nunnie. Hope it all goes well for all of you, and if you have time come back and let us know how it went. Wishing you a great experience.

Thank you wolfhound, fingers crossed would say legs too but that won't make the birth very easy Will be sure to return with my VBAC story, good or bad.