Husband doesn't want me to have a doula.

[nunnie]

Bit dissapointed but I think I can see where he is coming from.
He feels that by me even wanting one and discussing it with him that I in some way blame him for the EMCS, and that he has to try and defend the hospital for their choice to do one. This was not why I wanted a doula, I wanted one because I want a VBAC and have some paticular things I want in my birth plan followed, and if this labour becomes as hectic as my previous then I didn't think either me or my husband would have the strength to be firm.
He has said he will do his very best to avoid them doing something I specifically don't want them to do.

Has anyone else had this before and felt quite guilty for even thinking about wanting extra support?

I have no intention of hiring a doula if he is not happy.

I just feel bad and don't know how to make him realise I did not at all blame him or myself, or the hospital for anything that happened in my previous labour.

I can see that squiggleywiggler-but it isn't going to work if they don't both want it.

yes, but you'll see it says:

'Subgroup analyses suggested that continuous support was most effective when provided by a woman who was neither part of the hospital staff nor the woman's social network'

which is a doula!

There have of course been studies specifically in to doulas (will post some links later) but the group has been much smaller, so I find this the most compelling study.

Sorry busy day. I in no way think the EMCS could be avoided and don't feel anyone failed including my DH.
I have every faith in the hospital to make the right decision. My worry is policies differ and what worries me most is the egg timer approach which after reading AIMS I don't really feel comfortable with. I don't want an assisted vaginal birth until it is really necessary I don't want one just because of what might go wrong if we delay over the prescribed policy time.

I shall not be getting a doula unless we both agree as it is an important day for him as much as it is for me. I am going to dicuss and get help with my birth plan from my midwife.

I would not be upset if I have another EMCS if it was needed if that makes sense.

Of course I want what is best for me and my baby.
With my EMCS my DH was left in a room on his own not knowing what was happening he could have done with support then, I was kncked out so didn't have the worry he did.

Agree it is an important day for you both, but I think the man's role is a little over egged here. 'Empowering the man' - whaaaaat?

Surely this is one time when you can say, without worrying about bruising male egos, exactly what you want?

You are having the child, it's your body, you will be the one doing everything. If he feels like a spare part, well, unfortunately that's just nature isn't it.

I hope you get the birth you want, but blimey, if I wanted a doula and he didn't, he would get short shrift. Especially shocked at the 'feeling guilty' bit. Why should you feel guilty?

Nunnie, I hope your DH comes round to the idea. I'm hoping for a VBAC in a couple/few weeks, after an ELCS for DD1 who was breech. DH is totally on board with having a doula, he's met her a couple of times (I've met her a couple more times on my own). He is particularly pleased about the idea that if, say, I want someone to rub my back continously for several hours, it won't just be him with aching arms but someone to share the load with. And if he needs to go out to get a snack/go to the loo etc, I won't be abandoned.

The reason I want a doula for my VBAC, although I didn't have EmCS last time, is similar - with a VBAC the hospital tries to impose various restrictions on you which don't necessarily have any proven benefit but are likely or proven to increase the likelihoood of intervention (e.g. time limits etc).

Hi - I totally get where you are coming from OP - I looked into a doula -for my VBAC - and my DH wasn't keen either - I probably made the mistake of commenting on some of the more "alternative" ones on the web -I know not all doulas are like that of course - he also didn't want to pay - money is quite tight - and felt I think uncomfortable about having a stranger there.
I don't think he felt that I thought he didn't support me enough at the first birth though

I think its a hard job for a partner to do as really they just don't want you to suffer - and not all men want to get in to the nitty gritty of birth - which you really need to do to support someone to for instance stand up to health care proffesional - some men are brilliant of course

anyway the compromise which worked out brilliantly for us - was to have our friend along -she had had a VBAC, and had been there when her sister have birth. And she knew a lot about giving birth in general - and we both get on really well with her.
It did really help to have someone there who wasn't so attached and also had some extra knowledge - she supported us to say no to something - which I think we wouldn't have done if she hadn't been there - and she also suggested a change in position at a critical point - got my VBAC and it was wonderful!!

the other thing that helped me in preparing for my VBAC was the Ina May Gaskin guide to childbirth
so I would say meet with some doulas and maybe think of other options - but don't feel guilty

Discussed it again last night, and he really won't entertain a Doula at all, he doesn't want to pay for someone to offer what he is more than capable of doing himself.
He is also aware of what my main fears are with this birth, and has assured me unless there is a danger to both the baby and I, or one of us then he will tell them (if I am too busy or tired) to hold off for a while.
I suppose I should ahve faith in him really, as my previous two he was as supportive as he could be in the circumstances and I didn't have any worries as such with those as I expected everything to go smoothly with no problems and didn't even bother with a birth plan. This time is slightly different and he may well be wonderful. I in no way want him to feel like a spare part, and I did not want my brow mopping or any massages during my first two, he did try during the first but I gave him a look and he knew it wasn't my cup of tea so he just held my hand. With my second he asked if I wanted water etc so I think he was as supportive as I would allow him to be.

Thank you for all your advice.

If you're totally happy with this outcome, then great. I just know if it were me, I would not be impressed with DH not even entertaining the discussion as it would feel (to me) that he's not listening to my concerns that are resulting in me wanting a doula in the first place. Not even prepared to talk to or meet any? It sounds a bit selfish, but I probably have the most selfish OH in the world at times, so am sensitive!

I will only know the outcome is good after the baby has arrived I suppose. However at the moment I feel worse abour making him feel useless if I am honest.

Fair enough (I guess I meant the outcome of your discussions, but that could be the same answer!)! Best of luck.

I think that the only way you can help him to understand why you want one is to set up some interviews.

One of the skills a Doula works towards is the one of doing nothing. Being able to sit in the corner of the room, close her eyes, knit, drink tea, whatever - we have workshops based on this skill. They're not trying to push Dad out, to hold your hand instead of him.

Probably the most important part of what a Doula does is in the lead up, the preparation of the couple for the birth. Debriefing the previous birth, going through things that are worrying you about this one, giving you ideas on how to deal with this one. At the birth she can just slip into the background and for most Doulas that's what she's aiming to do unless she's asked to take on a bigger role if there isn't someone able to take on the active role.

Doctors and MWs aren't always coming to you with a complete picture, sometimes they pitch things as though it's a given and you feel you have no choice. It's times like this that a Doula, who isn't emotionally involved and going to be shaken by what's been said, can say "what are the options here?" and then sit with you whilst you go over them without the pressure of someone else pushing you into something. A recent Doula story had a Doula prevent a doctor from assaulting her client when the doctor tried to use a contraction as a distraction for doing something they knew the mother didn't want. A partner may not have picked up what was happening but the Doula was used to doctors and MWs and what they do so she saw it coming.

I am still buzzing from my last client, it was the most amazing thing ever. Watching the couple working in unison, knowing the MWs and I were just formality. I felt like a spare part (as I should!!!) and did wonder if she still felt they did the right thing taking me on but they both separately thanked me and said they were glad they took me on. If I hadn't supported them they would have had a hospital birth instead of their third home birth because it was a new hospital who didn't think she was suitable. I was able to support her and direct her to the right people to get the decision she could homebirth. That wasn't me over ruling her medical staff, I helped her to do something that she could have done without me (something I'm finding myself doing now in my own pregnancy!) but she had no one to tell her that the option was there. I chatted to her about why she felt she was still suitable and how much difference it would have made to her previous experience being in hospital. I don't think when she took me on she thought I would be as useful as I was and her husband I felt went along with her. He took me home afterwards - although I insisted on getting the train - and told me how grateful he was and that he was glad I'd been there.

I think he understands why I want one, I just think he feels he has to and wants to give the the support I need himself.
I can't make a meeting with one unless he agrees and I don't think that is likely to happen.
I have managed to get through 2 births without one, and I am sure I will get through this one too, it isn't worth rocking the boat for if I am honest. It has to be something we both want. I am not a big brow mopping fan or back rub fan. I am sure a handhold with him will be enough.

Thank you.

Obviously he doesn't understand what a Doula is and I'm not sure you do either. It's not about having your hand held or your brow mopped and unless it's what you wanted a Doula would probably wouldn't be wanting to do that. As I said we have courses about the art of doing nothing. What I would be aiming for in my antenatal sessions with the couple is for them to be working as a team and not needing me on the day other than a sounding board to talk through the options or to make sure their wishes are not ignored by hospital staff. The birth I mentioned in my pp is exactly what I'd want to aim for.

Have you interviewed any?

Interview 3. Tell them in advance that he is nervous. Tell your DH that if he isn't happy with any of them you won't go with them.

They have a variety of roles. One is certainly to support the DP to support you. How would he like someone getting him cups of tea, sandwiches, a break etc?

How would he like to have someone to 'send' to the MW to get you something in order that he can stay with you?

My DH was completely against the idea. Afterwards he said that NCT classes were a complete waste of time. They should have simply said when we turned up on the first day 'Hire a Doula' and then 'Goodbye'.

And the funny thing is, my Doula didn't even DO anything. She just came with a big bag full of tricks, none of which she used, and faded into the background.

Surprisingly, the MW said to me afterwards how wonderful she thought my doula had been at keeping me calm.

She didn't do anything ON THE DAY, but during the preparation she filled me and dh with SO much confidence to take control of the day that she really didn't need to.

She wasn't a 'birth partner'. My DH was. She was just the consistent, knowledgable presence that allowed us to get on with what we were therefore, with minimal trauma or fuss.

Better description of a Doula than mine That's certainly what most Doulas will be aiming to do, unless they've been asked along to be someone's birth partner.

Maybe I have misunderstood then, so I would be paying for someone to sit and knit?

Hopefully, yes!

I can get my mum in to do that then, and save myself the money.

I was under the impression they were support for myself and DH.
I have been in touch with two, one just rand actually but I was putting my DD to bed so missed her, she sounded quite shy in the message she left though. I had an email off another who seems nice however her email was more centered around telling me that another hospital an hour away has a better VBAC policy and offer a waterbirth, than the one I have chosen and the one I have used for my previous two, and the one that is 25 minutes away.
Maybe DH being completely against the idea has made me slowly realise I myself am not confident enough in my knowledge or need for a Doula.

TBH, I feel that our doula, in the discussions we've had in our 3 meetings (totalling about 5-6 hours) have really made most of the money; we've now got a birth plan we're both happy with (after my last disaster,I wasn't going to bother, but she's said she will ensure it is under the nose of everyone who comes in to our 'room'); we have a more solid plan btween DH and I and also some fall backs/back ups. Yes, hopefully,she'll sit quietly in the background and only be there to be called upon if DH needs to go to the loo or put more money on the car etc (!) but if things go wrong, am sure we'll feel the benefit. She's also a trainee, so her fees are capped at £200.

It's the preparation that they do that enables them to sit and knit on the day. All the work is really done in the planning.

My doula did lots of things on the day actually that I didn't notice. When we were preoccupied with the baby, she went and ensured that we had bagged the best postnatal bed and grabbed a passing dinner, plus one that was going spare, for dh.

She got DH a stool when he was rubbing my back and (yeah, I know this is bad) held the torch for the MW to stitch me up so that my dh didn't have to.

See I can't get him to agree to an interview even, so I am urinating in the wind really. Other than spring a meet on him I don't really have an option but to find an alternative way to relax a littel and have confindence in my birth plan enough to defend it if it came to it.