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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

If you didnt want your mum in during labor?

88 replies

Crawling · 03/03/2011 16:28

Can I ask why? are you not close to her? or does she not handle this sort of thing well?

I am not being judgemental just curious I couldnt imagine not having my mum there, she was great had done this before, was not interfering. Knew when to tell MW no, did tea and pee breaks for DP. But she stayed in the backround leaving DP to support me but dealing with the other things so DP could concentrate soley on me. (but to be honest DP not having given or seen birth was a bit panicked and lost) so having my mum helped him to see how to support me.

Just wondering why others dont want thier mum there.

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stegasaurus · 03/03/2011 17:58

My mum and I aren't that close. I don't share anything personal with her and never have. Sadly it is not the kind of relationship we have, so I would never ever consider her being there. From watching OBEM I got the impression that it was usual for mums to be there, but DH was amazed at the idea that his sister wants his mum to be there when she gives birth next month. I trust my DH to support me and get through the labour and don't feel that I need another family member there too.

Grandhighpoohba · 03/03/2011 18:32

My mum was there for DS, we are close, but the reason I asked was that DH had been through hell with the births of the DSS's and was very anxious, and I knew she would be calming for him, and she could help me if he freaked out. As it was, it was a long difficult labour, and her being there allowed DH to get some sleep.

I didn't ask her for DD's birth, as DH was much calmer, and I felt like I knew what I was doing. Also, I was aware that although she was great during the first labour, it was really difficult for her to see her daughter in so much pain. As it was, DD's labour was much easier and faster, and it was lovely just being me and DH.

ToriaPumpkinHead · 03/03/2011 18:52

My mum and I are very close, and she's a midwife, but there is no way on this green earth she is coming anywhere near the delivery room! I'm struggling enough with how to tell her I don't want her to move in with us for two weeks after the birth!

I can see why you'd have your mum if the father wasn't around, or if there were extenuating circumstances, but not one woman I know would have their mother in the delivery room with them were they offered the choice.

Katiekatiekatekate · 03/03/2011 18:58

TheCrackFox... hahaha.

I didn't even have DH there for the pushing part so I sure as hell wasn't having my mother there. I just wanted to concentrate on the job in hand, get the baby out with a minimum of fuss and definitely nobody mopping my brow/reminding me to breath.

LittleMumSmall · 03/03/2011 19:45

My mum was desperate to be involved but I didn't want that - had to start with the 'no really, DH and I plus midwives will be fine' conversations very early on in pregnancy to try and let her down gently. We are close(ish) but I feel like I have been the grown-up in our relationship for the past decade or so and I spend quite a lot of time 'managing' it, IYSWIM - definitely didn't want that pressure when I had to focus on labour and childbirth.

Towards the end of pregnancy when I was 'getting in the zone' I became very reclusive and private and even had doubts about wanting DH with me, but when it all kicked off he was amazing and very calm, just what I needed. I think it's great some women are close enough to their mums to want them in labour, but I just couldn't have contemplated it.

Flisspaps · 03/03/2011 19:48

I love my mum but DD's birth was for me and DH to experience. I don't understand why someone would not have DH/DP there to experience their own child's birth.

I think my mum would be too worried about me and wanting to 'comfort' me too much if that makes sense?

Waswondering · 03/03/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WipsGlitter · 03/03/2011 19:52

I can't imagine having my mum there, I think the fewer people there the better. I can understand a young girl maybe but not grown women!

ScramVonChubby · 03/03/2011 19:53

I love my Mum and we are close in our waybut no not for me- in fact Mum turned up to visit (had been in for a few days) as i went into labour and she was turned away (which I feel bad about but equally was right for me)

notnowbernard · 03/03/2011 19:53

I get on great with my Mum but just wouldn't have wanted ANYONE there, at all, ever

Just DP. Even the midwives got on my tits a bit, tbh (they were lovely but I just wanted to be on my own and ledt to get on with it, IYKWIM) Apart from right at the end when I needed to be told to get on with it and PUSH that baby out

Hulababy · 03/03/2011 19:54

I am close to my mum, have a good relatinship with both my parents.

However, there was no question of my mum coming in for my labour. It was never even comtemplated.

Dh was there. It is his "job" kind of. he wated to be there. I wanted him to be there. We didn't need anyone else there. DH was, despite having no provious knowledge of birth, an excellent support for me.

notnowbernard · 03/03/2011 19:55

In fact my MUm told me she was mightily relieved that I didn't want her in with me as she couldn't imagine anything worse

Laska · 03/03/2011 19:58

No way! I see it as an intimate experience that I want to share with DH, my mum would take over and generally be too much.

greenzebra · 03/03/2011 19:59

my mum and I are very close, but it never occurred to me to have her there at the birth. I always thought it a private thing between your partner and yourself. My MIL was trying to convince me to have my mum there the other day but I discussed it with mum and she said its a special day for the parents and she wouldnt want to get under DH's feet. Also she relives things very vividly and if anything was to go wrong even a small thing she wouldnt be able to stop it playing in her head. I think my MIL was hoping that I was going to ask her instead. Yeah not goin to happen!

MrsTicklemouse · 03/03/2011 20:03

My mum was there with DS1, didn't really put much thought into it and she really wanted to be there BUT she seriously got on my nerves, luckily with DS2 she was on holiday so I didn't have to face telling her she wasn't invited!!

nulgirl · 03/03/2011 20:07

I adore my mum and see her all the time but didn't even consider having her there for the birth. They are mine and dh's children - not hers. It was our journey to take and we needed to have the space to do it ourselves. I think it is weird inviting your mother into what should be a special moment in creating your own family. As it turned out I wasn't that fussed about having dh there whilst i was actually in labour either. Would have preferred just to get on with it by myself and have him come in for the baby actually being born.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen · 03/03/2011 20:14

I didn't even think about it! I think she would have clashed with DH - it needed to be his experience iyswim? They would have been in competition somehow I think.

I think she also would have been too worried but if DH couldn't have been there for some reason then I would have chosen my mum.

We weren't even going to tell her when I was in labour and I managed a phone call with her when contracting without letting on. In hospital 10 minutes and DH was phoning her to let her know! So much for that secret.

Vicky0316 · 03/03/2011 20:15

I am really close to my Mum and absolutely think the world of her, but not sure how I would feel about having her in the room with me and seeing my bits and pieces lol! I think that I should be fine having my Husband there looking after me, but would be nice to think that my Mum and Dad are in the hospital to pop in every now and again in the early stages before the real business starts!

undercovamutha · 03/03/2011 20:19

I am really close to my Mum, but it never occurred to me for a second to have her at the births of my DCs. I wanted DH there and noone else. And when I see DH's and DM's both at births (on One Born Every Minute for example) I just feel desperately sorry for the H who I feel gets sidelined.

Original poster

Crawling · 03/03/2011 20:24

I thought I would clarify I didnt choose my mum over DP I had two birth partners and at some points my mum had to go home and dp stayed all the way through (I was admitted and constant monitering early on) long labor, and DP was happy with this so there was no choice between them.

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 03/03/2011 20:28

I have quite a few American friends, including one who showed me her birth photos of her, her DH, her Mum and her MIL, all at the delivery! I know of others who've had the sisters and aunts there too.

I can't think of anything worse. It would have been impossible for me to labour in those conditions. My contractions have just stopped, during both labours, at any point where I haven't been completely private and at completely at ease. I have no idea how the friends in the US do it.

daimbardiva · 03/03/2011 22:07

I'm very close to my mum but would never have thought to ask her to be at my birth - the baby is mine and my husband's, it's our personal experience. Also, I would've thought that it would be distressing for her to have to watch her duaghter go through labour.

But if you feel that you do want your mum there, and your partner's OK with it (and your mum is too!) then that's fine!

takingforeverkid · 04/03/2011 11:14

Thanks for this thread, it has made me feel much better with my decition of not having my mum there and which has hurt her a lot. I just know I would never be able to do it with her here, she'd stress and cry and have no idea what am going through (2 cs, not even labour). I thought I was a freak and bad daughter, so it's good to know am not the only one !

greentig3r · 04/03/2011 11:36

I didn't want my mum there for all the reasons people have posted already. She had her bags packed 'just incase' though and I think she would have liked to have been there for me. I'd have killed her though.

Like LittleMumSmall, I got a bit reclusive at the end. I didn't want hospital visitors or houseguests and absolutely did not want to tell people when I went into labour. I'm glad that I stood up for myself- giving birth, breasfeeding and lack of sleep was enough to deal with. When the hormones went crazy, I was glad I didn't have to worry about anyone else. DP gave the right kind of support without being over-emotional.

Perpetuallypregnant · 04/03/2011 11:58

Wow I'm surprised how many of you are horrified by the thought.

My mum has been with me for 3 of my births. The first 2 I was 16 and 18. I did have exp in there too but he was a bit shit and I wanted my mum there with me.

The third time I was 23 and she was only supposed to be driving dh and I to the hospital but I was 10cms when we got there and in a lot of pain so she helped dh get me to the ward. It was clear it was imminent so I grabbed her hand and she didn't have much choice :)

The last birth I said my SIL could come and watch as she is a good friend and wanted to be there. DH was quite happy about it, takes some of the pressure off and we actually had a bit of a laugh before it got really painful (was only a 2 hr labour though).

This time I just want me and DH. I think I would like to experience it with just us 2 for once!

I would never have a load of random family members in there like you see on the US shows - I am very very close to my mum and SIL. I don't think I would have had anyone else in there.

Incidentally my mum says it was both amazing and horrible at the same time and she is happy not to be there again! Horrible because she hated seeing her dd in pain and being unable to do anything about it.

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