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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

If you didnt want your mum in during labor?

88 replies

Crawling · 03/03/2011 16:28

Can I ask why? are you not close to her? or does she not handle this sort of thing well?

I am not being judgemental just curious I couldnt imagine not having my mum there, she was great had done this before, was not interfering. Knew when to tell MW no, did tea and pee breaks for DP. But she stayed in the backround leaving DP to support me but dealing with the other things so DP could concentrate soley on me. (but to be honest DP not having given or seen birth was a bit panicked and lost) so having my mum helped him to see how to support me.

Just wondering why others dont want thier mum there.

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MrsTumbles · 03/03/2011 16:55

My birth plan was simple, As long as the baby comes out I don't mind what happens, oh and under no circumstances allow my Mum anywhere near the delivery room

I love my Mum to bits, we are so close, however she can create a panic over anything. When I was in early stages of labour she found out and came round. I was very calm watching tv when she arrived, within 5 minutes she had convinced me I was about to give birth immediately and had the midwife and my DH (who I had sent off to work!) rushing to get home(twas another 25 hours before DD popped out)

Also, I wouldn't have wanted DH feeling left out, it was our experience to share, and my Mum would have seriously freaked out with the amount of blood that I lost (even DH admitted to feeling a bit woozy!)

going · 03/03/2011 16:56

I am really close to my mum but it didn't occur to me to have her at the birth. I flet it was ann experence and process for just me and my husband to sahre.

boyscomingoutofmyears · 03/03/2011 16:56

toomanypuffles are you my sister? Your mum sounds exactly like mine! Which is why I wouldn't have wanted her within 20 miles of me during my births.

To be honest, I wouldn't have wanted anyone but DH with me though regardless of the closeness of the relationship.

weegiemum · 03/03/2011 16:56

EEEEEEEKKKKK! I would not have wanted my Mum near me in a million years, nor do I know anyone (except one whose Mum helped out at her very unexpected, rapid and unplanned home birth) who did.

I'm not close to my Mum. But even if I was, it was a moment for me and dh, not my mother. Ewwww!

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 03/03/2011 16:56

Cos she's had 3 CSs and therefore has never done it so no value added. Plus she doesn't like babies and is on the other side of the world.

My MIL has offered if DH has to go away but that would be weird.

BlingLoving · 03/03/2011 16:58

I can see why you'd wnt your mum. i don't want mine simply because she would do her best, but the things she needs are not the things I need so I know she'd be thinking, "I would want this, so let me do it for Bling" and I'd be thinking, "why the hell can't you do what I need".

But it's why I'm happy to have her around immediately afterwards as I know by then I can express what I need, and because she wants to help, she'll totally step up.

dizietsma · 03/03/2011 16:59

Not everyone has a supportive and loving mum, basically.

My mum undermines me and criticizes me all the time, why would I want that in labour?

amberleaf · 03/03/2011 17:00

Would not have dreamt of having her there tbh.

Its me and DP baby....plus im a grown up.

YouCantTeuchThis · 03/03/2011 17:04

I thought I wanted my mum there, but in the end I was glad she wasn't. Nothing to do with her, she's great, but because it really allowed DH to 'step up' and he would have taken a step back if my mum was there (out of respect for her, and also because she has medical background).

I don't think it is something you can make a sweeping assumption/expectation/generalisation about as everyone is different and have different relationships with their mums.

Niecie · 03/03/2011 17:06

I get along with my mother just fine and she was great to have around after DS was born but I wouldn't have wanted her at the birth at all. It had nothing to do with her. It was mine and DH's baby and we didn't really want loads of people in the room.

Unless you are very young or don't have anybody else, I would have thought most women would want to put some distance between themselves and their parents. Your mother and father shouldn't be your primary relationship once you have a DP/DH and your partner is the one you should be sharing a birth with. IMO anyway.

I do agree it does sound very American. I was always horrified, when watching all those Discovery channel birth programmes during pregnancy, that so many women had their parents and their PIL at the birth, as well as siblings and friends in some cases!!

KatieWatie · 03/03/2011 17:08

Oh thank GOD for this thread - I thought it was the done thing to have your mum there (I watch too much American reality/pregnancy tv obviously)

Aside from the fact my mum works and lives 4 hours away so it's not practical, I'm never sure with my mum if it could go one way or the other; she might be brilliant, but then again she might be really negative and make me feel like I'm doing everything wrong, and I'd feel her bitterness if I had a good birth because I know she didn't. Also she'd potentially see and feed off my vulnerability.

Also I don't want her seeing my ladybits! Terrors!

RugbyWidow7 · 03/03/2011 17:10

I am close to my mum, but just feel this is one of the special times a husband and wife has together in their marriage which is completely theirs and anyone else being there might take away from that. Plus, I'm not sure she'd know where to look!

greedychops · 03/03/2011 17:14

I am close to my mum too, but it wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask her to be there to be honest. Hadn't really heard of it till reading things on here, except maybe when the dh or dp wasn't around for whatever reason.

Lulumama · 03/03/2011 17:15

I had my mum and bessie mate and DH for my second birth (VBAC) they were all amazingly supportive in different ways

having my mum there was an amazing support.

the thing with being a birth partner is that it's not about you, or your needs or your feelings , or your opinions on pain relief etc.. there is often a lot of time, waiting, pacing, or fast /furious intensity to cope with... not everyone can and should be a part of that

it can be v hard for a mum to see her daughter in pain, to not project her own birth experiences and feelings onto the situation

if you're not close to your mum or she is critical or things are negative between, her presence would not be a help

you should not be obliged to have anyone with you in labour, that you don't trust or get along with, be it the midwife , your partner or mum

newtotheplanet · 03/03/2011 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kitkatred · 03/03/2011 17:17

It was more important to me that DH was there - it was 'our' baby 50/50 - I had to be there for obvious reasons, and so he got to be the other person. Don't understand people who choose their mum over the father of the child being born (unless he's not around obviously)...

dizietsma · 03/03/2011 17:17

"I'd feel her bitterness if I had a good birth because I know she didn't."

I think this happens quite a lot.

Also totally agree with not wanting to have my mum see my ladybits! Seriously inhibiting, not what you need at birth.

Lulumama · 03/03/2011 17:17

after my DD was delivered and we'd had the tea and toast, my mum did something really motherly, which my friend picked up on.. she got her hairbrush out of her bag and brushed my hair and smoothed me down. It was such a lovely maternal motherly thing to do.

TrillianAstra · 03/03/2011 17:18

I do have a supportive and loving mum, but that doesn't mean I would want her there while I was giving birth, unless there was a reason why the baby's father couldn't be there.

themildmanneredjanitor · 03/03/2011 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffles · 03/03/2011 17:21

i think my mum would worry too much about me. my DH would too because he loves me but he sees me as a strong capable grown woman whereas she can't help but see me a bit as her little girl.

she'd be strong for me andsay and do all the right things but i think she'd find it really really hard.

mousymouse · 03/03/2011 17:26

my mother is very rude and also curious, me fear is that she would want to be at the business end and tell the midwife off for doing this or that...
also, we dont have a great relationship and I dont trust her to behave and act on my behalf.

bluerodeo · 03/03/2011 17:28

i can't imagine having my mum in the labour room - it's not her moment - it's all about me and my husband. don't get why people would want their mothers or sisters or mates there at all

although I've had all my kids so a moot point really

WriterofDreams · 03/03/2011 17:36

My mum is incapable of understanding other people's feelings. When I was depressed she used to ring me to cry about how upset and worried she was about me. She did try to be supportive, but in the end she made it clear she didn't want to hear anything about how I was feeling and that she expected me to listen to her whinging on and on. When I was better she made it clear that I had done a terrible thing being ill (how bad of me) and that I wasn't to do it again.

If she was with me in labour she would expect her needs to be tended to and would be angry with me for upsetting her by being in pain. That's why I didn't want her with me.

Mrsfluff · 03/03/2011 17:41

I had hub and Mum. Hub held my hand and looked after me and Mum was at the business end :) (just thought about the whole 'she saw my fanjo' bit lol!) It was lovely having them both there and Mum bathed me afterwards, didn't want some strange NA and hub had some time alone with DD.

Early in the proceedings I also had my Dad come in for a bit when he dropped my Mum off and inlaws stopped for a cuppa when they brought hub in - so quite a family event really

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