He can't even look at me, I don't know what to do.

[Halfterm]

I would be grateful for some advice please.

I have been with my DP for a year and we live together with my DC from a previous relationship, They are 7 and 9.

He has never wanted children and has been to the doctors several times for a vasectomy but they turned him down saying her was to young. We have always been very careful, I am on the pill and never miss a dose.

I found out a week ago that I am pregnant, about 8 weeks now. I told him on Monday and he hasn't spoken to me since except to say he doesn't understand how its happened and he doesn't want children.

He hasn't touched me, told me he loves me or given me any sign that he doesn't hate me. I asked him why he doesn't just leave and he said it wouldn't make a difference as I would still have his child.

I feel so lonely and upset. I feel like its all my fault and all I want is for him to give me a hug and tell me it will be ok or to walk away and leave me to it, I can't carry on like this. I feel unwelcome in my own home.

I had a scan on Tuesday, he wont even look at the picture, I can't have an abortion because i've seen the baby and heard the heartbeat. He wont discuss it. I know he would put me under a huge amount of pressure if I told him that an abortion was a possibility but I told him couldn't have one because there was a heartbeat he doesn't know how many weeks I am because he wont listen to a word about it.

Please tell me what to do.

Ps, Have name changed.

Firstly it's not your fault. All contraceptions have a fail rate.

I was going through a rough patch with my partner (a long and very diffrent story) and in the end i asked if we could see a councillor together. It made a huge diffrence to our relationship. It was quite expensive but i think it was really worth it.

That's really all i can suggest. I hope everything works out ok.

is there anyone you could stop with for a while? Give u both some space,hopefully he'll have a reality check and you'll get some support x

I would go away for a few days and let him have some time on his own, of course its a shock to you both but you need support, can you go to your mums or a friends until he realises what he is losing by being like this?

I would leave him a note and a picture of the baby and tell him you will return when he is ready to talk about how you go forward from this either together or seperately if needs be.

You are keeping this baby so there is no point staying in the house walking on egg shells around him.

You will never get this time back you need someone around you who is happy and you can chat to about the baby, this is your first child, a time of joy and happiness.

Sorry to say it, but it sounds to me as if he may think that you have "accidentally on purpose" forgotten to take your pill.

I think you need to sit him down and explain that no contraception is 100% effective.

I also agree with hazchem that counselling sounds like a great idea. Perhaps there is a deep rooted reason why he doesn't want children.

FWIW I think he is acting in an incredibly immature way. Yes he didn't want children, but it has happened and it took two of you to make it happen. He needs to man up and face up to his responsibility whether he likes it or not.

I agree it is a huge shock, but he should at the very least be talking to you and trying to work through things.

Also agree with the others that you may need some time apart.

Do you mind me asking how old you both are?

A second vote for counselling. He's in shock and possibly in denial, but that's no excuse for acting like an arse and not talking to you. Does he have ishoos from his own childhood, that he is young and was so against the idea of kids that he was seriously considering a vasectomy?

He needs to man up, tbh - this is his child too, regardless of how he feels at the moment. It's an accident, but he knows the birds and the bees - it's always a possibility if you're having sex!

Good luck, be patient in the short-term, but don't put up with being treated badly now - it can only get worse when there's a small human relying on you both for love.

At the end of the day its not your fault,he's treating you like you've done something against him! Even if he didnt want children he should be talking to you, going to the scan and supporting you (even if he still expressed he didnt want to have a child) at least you could talk through it properly like adults. He's just ignoring the problem hoping it might go away he's being an absolute prick! I know he'll be in shock but your suppose to be a couple and be there for each other!!!!!!

I'm also wondering why a man who was so adamant that he didn't want children that he wanted a vasectomy at a young age, would get involved with someone who has two children? It doesn't really make sense and I guess I'd be a bit concerned on that front too.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! It is definitely not your fault, and it is possible that your partner has some psychological issue he needs to overcome. I would agree with the other posters regarding counselling. Unfortunately, this doesn't work for every couple, but definitely worth a shot! I think you should take a little break before, though (if you could leave your kids and go somewhere to distress).

We are both 28.

He lives in my house, i have told him that he should go and stay with his mom for a few nights and see how he feels but he says that if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't.

I think that he favours relationships with women with older children as they are less likely to want anymore, he has left perfectly good relationships in the past because the woman felt broody or wanted children in the future.

I very much doubt he would go for counselling, but I will have a google and see if I can find something to suggest to him.

He is so cold to me, apart from to tell me how the rest of his life is fucked up.

I asked him if he loved me and he said of course he did, I explained to him how he was making me feel and I cried, he just sat there... its been the same the last few nights, I've cried myself to sleep with him as far away as he can get on the other side of the bed.

He has gone out now, I asked him why I wasn't invited as it would usually gone without saying that I was welcome to come but nope i'm at home alone after shouting at him that he was ashamed of me and I couldn't cope with it all anymore.

He seems to think i'm being stupid because "of course he loves me

I'm sorry, but he's being a shit.

I don't care how shocked he is or how much he doesn't want children or what valid reasons he might have, untold childhood trauma included. None of that makes it necessary for him to behave in such a childish, rude and cruel way to you. You're in shock as well. You're in this together -- or so it ought to be. If he can't see this and see that his reaction to you is inexcusable, then he shouldn't be around you.

No woman in early pregnancy should have to put up with her partner lying coldly at a distance in a "I didn't want kids" huff while she cries herself to sleep, FGS. [hangry]

I think you should tell him to clear out for a few days while you decide if you want him around any more. It's not all about whether he is willing to continue gracing you all with his presence. It's also about whether his presence, with this cruel and nasty attitude, is actually bad for your well-being.

As far as I know he had a good, but strict, up-bringing. He doesn't seem to have any issues with his parents and sees alot of them. (Although his Mum is the same, she is forever saying she doesn't want granchildren)

I've asked him to stay at his Mums for a few nights whilst my DC are home (as its been half term they have been staying with their dad) I don't want them around an atmosphere or to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

I've come to the conclusion that although its unplanned and a shock, there is no point in moping around and being miserable about it, i've accepted it and I know things will change, i'll manage.

Even if I am going to be a "huge fat mess that will be sat on my arse all day with a shitting screaming little brat"

Excusemewhat?

Was that a quote from him?

FFS. Um, why are you with this man exactly? I hate threads where people blithely tell the OP to dump her partner but, er, I think you should dump your partner, quite frankly.

Anyway. I'm sorry if that is not helpful. and I don't care if they are mumsnetty or not.

That was what he said to me yesterday in one of the rare moments that he spoke to me. Along with "Well i'll just have to push you down the stairs then" and "I'll punch you in the stomach when you're sleeping"

I don't think he would but its not very nice to hear. I was so upset last night that I got out of bed at half 11, got dressed crying my eyes out and walked around til half one. He was fast asleep and snoring when I go home.

I am so sad at the moment, I feel like I hate him.

Part of me wants to give him time to get his head round it and the other part wants to get rid of him - I can't love him when he is like this.

Why hasn't he left me??

Oh my word. What a choice quote (if that's what he's said to you).

He is obviously a young, selfish 28 yr old.

I got pg at 19 whilst on the pill. When I told DH I said (to my eternal shame) 'well, there's still time for me to miscarry' (I was nearly 13 wks).

He was marvellous. Never once blamed me. We've had all the chats where we've spoken about all the things we thought we would do before children and reconciled ourselves to the fact that they'll be post children instead.

Your fella needs to man up and face his responsibilities or get out. One or other, it's not going to be an easy ride but he needs to make his decision.

Hugs.

because he wants you to leave him, so he can go running to mummy about what a bitch you are.

His behaviour is intolerable, either leave him or kick him out. Making threats like that is a criminal offence and you don't want someone like this around your kids.

why haven't you left him more to the point?

that's one of the worst things i've ever read on MN.

get that fucker out your house pronto.

Tell him to leave, seriously the things he is saying to you are absolutely awful.

X post.

Get rid of him. You do not deserve to be threatened in this way. Please pack his bags and get rid of him for the sake of you and your children (all 3 of them).

He makes me so .

Please don't suffer this verbal violence. It might not, but what if it spills over into physical violence?

Is it your home, as in not your joint home?

Please get rid of him. Such comments are vile and hateful. Get rid of him now and if he pulls himself together then deal with that if it happens. If not, make sure he pays his way. It's his child too.

Even more hugs.

Oh wait hang on, that is clearly the language of abuse and far worse than anything you mentioned earlier in the thread.

If he said those things, then regardless of whether you "don't think he would", obviously you need to ensure he leaves your home for your own and your children's safety.

That is a dreadful thing to say. To threaten you. Since it is your house, ask him to leave. You are better off without him, really you are.

OK. Stop asking him to leave - pack his bags, leave it outside, tell him he is not welcome because he is being cruel, unreasonable and scaring you. Put the chain on if nec, but don't let him back in.

I don't care that he doesn't 'want' to leave - he has no right to stay with this inexcusable and abusive behaviour.

You will see him again at the counsellors to discuss seriously and honestly what is going to happen now otherwise no contact, end of.

I have no idea what's going on for him, but this is seriously extreme behaviour like he is going through some kind of breakdown or something. He cannot just pretend it is OK to act in this way. You have 3 other people now to protect plus yourself, who deserves much, much better than this. The house is yours, and it is a home to your children (not his) so you have every right to ask him to leave.

I don't know why I haven't just told him to go. I think its partly shock and partly because its just been the two of us at home this week.

I only found out because I was sent to hospital by the doctors because i've got a kidney infection, and am on anti-biotics for that and a chest infection at the moment, so I just haven't felt strong enough to deal with all that and him.

I can't see how we can stay together, I do think though that even if we do split he will still be around because although he doesn't want the baby it will be his and I can't see him wanting to lose control over who/when/where etc

"huge fat mess that will be sat on my arse all day with a shitting screaming little brat"

"Well i'll just have to push you down the stairs then"

"I'll punch you in the stomach when you're sleeping"

OP, I am livid on your behalf.

Agree with blinks - this is the worst thing I've ever read.

Please, please kick this waste of space out of your house.

Pregnant or not - he is threatening you with physical violence.

very very

Kick him out. Why on earth would you want him there?

The house is rented in my name only and I lived here before I met him so he has no rights over it.

Somebody posted a link to verbal abuse earlier on another thread and it fits him to a tee, its taken this for me to realise it though.

I am just scared, I know I need to be strong but its finding the strenth and the conviction to do it.