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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

He can't even look at me, I don't know what to do.

90 replies

Halfterm · 28/10/2010 11:57

I would be grateful for some advice please.

I have been with my DP for a year and we live together with my DC from a previous relationship, They are 7 and 9.

He has never wanted children and has been to the doctors several times for a vasectomy but they turned him down saying her was to young. We have always been very careful, I am on the pill and never miss a dose.

I found out a week ago that I am pregnant, about 8 weeks now. I told him on Monday and he hasn't spoken to me since except to say he doesn't understand how its happened and he doesn't want children.

He hasn't touched me, told me he loves me or given me any sign that he doesn't hate me. I asked him why he doesn't just leave and he said it wouldn't make a difference as I would still have his child.

I feel so lonely and upset. I feel like its all my fault and all I want is for him to give me a hug and tell me it will be ok or to walk away and leave me to it, I can't carry on like this. I feel unwelcome in my own home.

I had a scan on Tuesday, he wont even look at the picture, I can't have an abortion because i've seen the baby and heard the heartbeat. He wont discuss it. I know he would put me under a huge amount of pressure if I told him that an abortion was a possibility but I told him couldn't have one because there was a heartbeat he doesn't know how many weeks I am because he wont listen to a word about it.

Please tell me what to do.

Ps, Have name changed.

OP posts:

buttonmoon78 · 28/10/2010 22:03

Yes, the baby is his, but it's also yours and as a pg mother you come first.

Make him leave. Inform him that you will be arranging an intermediary to sort out access but that it will certainly be on your terms in the early days, at least, as you will be primary carer and possibly bf.

This language of violence and what you're now describing as control issues are not what I'm wanting to hear.

Please ship him out as soon as possible.

EnSuiteShed · 28/10/2010 22:03

He sounds evil by the way. Truly truly evil, and so does his mother. Who the fuck doesn't want grandchildren?

CarGirl · 28/10/2010 22:04

Have you been on anti-biotics a while - they stop the pill working?

buttonmoon78 · 28/10/2010 22:05

You will have to find the conviction. If you couldn't find it before, then think of this new life which requires you to be strong so he or she can have a abuse-free life.

Please get rid of him NOW. If you can't do this alone then do you have some RL help you can draft in? Parents, siblings? A friend's OH to lend you some implied muscle?

buttonmoon78 · 28/10/2010 22:06

Sorry - I realise I'm sounding a bit harsh. It's only because he's making me so angry and I'm so sad on your behalf that you're going through this crap.

Original poster

Halfterm · 28/10/2010 22:06

I've been on anti-biotics a few times but have always made sure to follow the 7 day rule as I know they can affect the pill.

OP posts:

JennyPiccolo · 28/10/2010 22:07

Can you talk to your mum or dad or somebody? Even a chat on the phone with someone who genuinely cares about you and your safety will make you feel better.

If you've not been well it's not a good idea to be wandering about in the freezing cold outside either.

I know it's a lot to take in at once, maybe the outrage of a load of strangers isn't helping much, but he is acting utterly unacceptably.

SirBoobAlot · 28/10/2010 22:08

He is an utter, utter prick to say any of that to you Regardless of how much shock he is in, that is nasty, threatening and sick.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but do you seriously feel okay being with him having heard what he's said to you?!

You've mentioned his mum - can you call her? Its your house. You can tell him to leave.

He should have been taking better precautions if he was that adamant he didn't want children.

EnSuiteShed · 28/10/2010 22:09

Oh and by the way once the baby gets here I'd think very very carefully before leaving him alone with him/her, if at all.

OP, I know it's hard. Are you scared of asking him to leave in case he refuses and things get nasty?

buttonmoon78 · 28/10/2010 22:10

No, JennyP, I appreciate my outrage isn't helping.

It's so sad that a silly, ignorant prat can do this to a strong woman.

Giddyup · 28/10/2010 22:10

Get rid of him please, I know it's easy for a stranger to type that and send it out into the ether. But anyone who speaks to you like that doesn't deserve to be a father or a step father.
As you have been a single parent before; you know you can do it again. It will be hard, but you can

Original poster

Halfterm · 28/10/2010 22:11

My best friend is brilliant, she was there when I found out and has been really supportive, she is 14 weeks pregnant herself so I would never ask her to be there when I try and talk to Dp as it might endanger her.

I am angry and sad and disappointed.

I am scared he will find out how many weeks I am because he will definately try and force me to have an abortion.

His Mum has always said he is very like his Dad. She knows to well what he is like, she has always said that she loves her son but can't imagine why anyone would want to be with him. Although she will defend him and his actions to the end as most mothers would.

I don't have anyone else to help me, the fall out will be massive.

OP posts:

buttonmoon78 · 28/10/2010 22:13

OK, so you know that it could be dangerous for your friend? When are your dcs back home?

Please get him gone before they come back.

If you feel that you are in danger or even that you might be, then call Women's Aid. They can come and be with you whilst you get rid of his stuff.

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 28/10/2010 22:14

Domestic abuse is more likely to occur or increase during pregnancy.

He is showing his true colours, when you are so vulnerable you are less likely to act on it.

LEAVE HIM. Go Anywhere. Even a threat to push you down the stairs or punch you in the stomach is so vile you must leave him. He will Never be able to explain those comments away.

Original poster

Halfterm · 28/10/2010 22:15

They are home tomorrow AM.

I did have a thread on here a while ago, it was deleted as I had photos on my profile and was very identifiable. I was going to leave him due to that thread and then this happened and I feel like i've lost everything inside me.

If anyone read it, it was the one that mentioned 'rat holes' and 'chocolate cake / weight loss'

OP posts:

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 28/10/2010 22:15

I agree Women's Aid is great, they will help you and will keep you and your children safe while you consider your next steps. And they will help you now if you want to go now.

buttonmoon78 · 28/10/2010 22:16

Pavlov's right. My comments about miscarrying DC1 were made in the heat of the moment, as a frightened 19 YO.

He is totally taking that to a whole new level. A despicable and beyond reason level.

alicatte · 28/10/2010 22:16

Halfterm,

First of all, I am so sorry to hear of all the awful things you have been going through and whilst you are also ill.

But I think omaoma and ALL the other posters are right, this situation although mysterious in that he must have a reason for his attitude which he is not giving you any reasons for (actually I think that is something you do have a right to know); is actually quite clear cut in other respects - you are not to blame, he cannot expect the right to have supreme authority over your (or indeed his) fertility.

Life just doesn't work like that. Some decisions (for one reason or another) get taken out of your hands. But I do think that, given the degree of his anger which he shows in the things he has said to you, you need to get some distance from each other in case matters escalate. You can resolve the problem, maybe with help, later on when things have calmed down.

Is there anyone who can come and stay with you? Your mother or your sister - you should get some support, I would ring them tonight.

Please keep in touch.

buttonmoon78 · 28/10/2010 22:19

I didn't read the previous thread, but the more you say, the more I think you need to get away, and now. Get him out. Ring his mum and tell her what he's done / threatened and ask her to ensure that he realises that until he is prepared to be civil you do not want any contact.

And make sure that you have some help with you when he leaves. If Women's Aid can't help immediately then ring the DV local police team.

Seriously, you need him gone before your dcs get back. He sounds dangerous.

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 28/10/2010 22:21

button your comment when you where 19 was about wanting the decision to be taken out of your hands, not about you actively doing something to harm your child. completely different imo.

To tell some-one, even if in supposed 'jest' (if you could ever do that?) what he said, is something that no decent person would say, regardless of how upset they might be that life took a turn they did not plan/want.

Shit, if you don't want a baby, don't have sex, the main purpose is, lets face it, to reproduce.

Original poster

Halfterm · 28/10/2010 22:21

His Mum doesn't know I am pregnant. No one other than my best friend and him know anything about it.

I could text his Mum as he is with her now and tell her to take him back to hers tonight and I could put the latch on the door, but I think there is a fair chance he will try and get in whilst in a temper.

OP posts:

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 28/10/2010 22:25

I know who you are from the previous thread. This man is a disgusting excuse for a human being, and a danger to you. COntact Women's Aid and the local police domestic violence unit, tell them you want him out of the house but are afraid that he will attack you. Just tell them the threats he has already made, you will be taken seriously and given immediate help. The police will come and remove him and you can get an injunction against him returning.

buttonmoon78 · 28/10/2010 22:25

Pavlov - exactly my point.

Halfterm - please do just that. Don't text though - ring his mum and explain the situation. Then ring the police and explain in similar terms that you are in this situation and that you are frightened.

Are you on good terms with your neighbours? As in, good enough to call if he comes home and you feel frightened?

You sound more and more terrified with each post and I'm seriously worried about you.

Please keep safe.

Giddyup · 28/10/2010 22:25

can you call the police to inform them? then if he turns up they can get to you sharpish

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 28/10/2010 22:25

Then, could you leave? Could you forewarn the police, for some advice before doing that? Tell them your concerns and that if you told him not to come back, could they get to you asap if he got angry/in a temper?

I really think you should call women's aid for advice. I am pretty certain they are open 24/7. They could maybe send someone round/help you figure out some plan if you are worried and want him gone?

(also, not sure if he is a nose. Delete your computer history before you log off too).

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