Feeling Bad - here we go again.

[Rhubarb]

Feel really, really s**t tonight. Just have no emotions at all. It's awful but I just want dh and dd to go away and leave me alone. The baby has been kicking furiously all day and I wish it wouldn't. I want to run away and start all over again. I don't want another baby, I can't cope with two, and I hate telling people that I'm pregnant, I just don't want to talk about it at all. I really wish I wasn't. I guess I should visit my GP now, but I feel like I've failed.

Just want to throw the towel in now.

Oh Rhubarb - sounds like you need some 'you' time. Can't really offer any advice - I've read your excellent website, so I'm aware of what you've been through, but I hope this is just a bad evening. I'll be thinking of you. Sounds like you need a good video, some chocolate and some personal space!

Rhubarb, you know what you have to do you've written it yourself... get to see your GP asap. The having no emtions is a sure sign of depression IME. Cannot imagine how you feel (although have had PND so have a small inkling). But please you must do something now before you spiral further downwards.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Sorry you are having such a horrible time. Thinking of you.
Winnie Xx

Rhubarb please dont feel like a failure and go and see your GP as soon as possible. Depression is a horrible thing, I know. Thinking of you.

Please, Rhubarb, go and see your GP. There is no shame in taking medication when you are ill. Maybe you could get some supportive counselling too. I feel for you so much. Please ask for help. You deserve it - and so do your family.

Aloha

On a brighter note - new trousers!

I know, I will go tomorrow. I can see the signs. I tried to tell my sister on the phone how I felt but the words just wouldn't come out, then I felt that trying to tell her would be too much effort, and I feel so drained at the mo. Just fed up that it should happen again, I thought I was doing so well. Hopefully GP will say it's just a blip, she knows me well so she should know what to do. I can ask for a bit of support for now, just to see how things go, maybe to talk to someone, get things into perspective.

I'll let you know.

Shit, now I can't stop crying! Better go before dh comes in!

I was terribly depressed when pg with numbers 3 and 4 Rhubarb, hardly wanted to acknowledge them at all. You can email me privately if you want to chat. Won't be offended if you don't though .

Rhubarb, you ARE doing well. Being ill isn't a sign of anything except being ill. You wouldn't blame your dd for having a cold, would you? Please look after yourself. Ask for some counselling. I think you need someone to really talk to as well as posting here. Hope I don't sound too bossy. And please remember, it will end. It will stop when your baby is born, just like last time.

Rhubarb, I was going to say you are doing well too but aloha beat me to it. Let us know how it goes tomorrow, we're all rooting for you. I know no amount of looking on the bright side will make any difference but this is good in a way - last time you didn't know what it felt like and it got to crisis point before you got any help or support. That's why you set up your site, remember, to tell other women that they didn't have to suffer because there's help out there. This time you know the signs and you can do something to make it better. I hope this doesn't sound too trite, I really am thinking of you. As always, feel free to email me.

Take care Rhubarb, no advice - just thinking of you.

Nothing constructive to say, just hugs.

Loads of hugs, honey. What the others have said is so right. Get to that GP and sort it out. You ARE doing brilliantly- it's so so so not easy to accept that things are getting bad and seek help. I'll be thinking of you today. Take care. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hope today goes ok for you Rhubarb. What you wrote echos alot of what I've been feeling in the last month. And I know how terrible it is to see those feelings rising again like some sort of terrible black fog.

I saw my OB a couple of weeks ago who was surprised that my GP had taken me off all AD so quickly when I got pregnant. She said it would have been fine to continue whilst I was pregnant but not breastfeeding. As it is its probably too late to go back on, maybe you would have time to take a low dose now?

Pregnancy depression is being increasingly recongnised, I hope you get some support.

pie xxxxx

Rhubarb - your feelings don't mean you are a failure. They mean you have shedloads of hormones rushing round your body. You have to do exactly what you have helped so many other women to do and get some help. You've been here before, and come out the other side, so you can do it again.

you are the stongest person i know. you have a strength of spirit i can only ever pray for.

xxxxxx

You have helped so many women Rhubarb, I hope now that someone will be able to help you.Let them help you and be good to yourself.Much love and hugs.grmum xxx

Rhubarb, how are you today? Let us know when you're up to it.

I hope you have managed to see your GP rhubarb. You are most definately not a failure. You may need medication to cope, there is no shame in that. Diabetics need their medication adjusted during pregnancy and no-one bats an eye lid. Perhaps after you have spoken to her you might have a different perspective. Hope things get better for you soon.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, I should know what to do, I should know how to cope but I don't. I can't see my GP until Monday, the surgery is too busy today and I didn't think I classed as an emergency. Today was bad, very bad, and it's only 12.15. I locked myself out of the house, started crying, then thought I'd better get the bus into town and call dh. Dd was walking too slowly and I lost my temper, I dragged her along, her welly came off and her foot got wet so she started crying. I screamed at her, making her cry more. Then she started sucking her thumb and I realised just how horrible and what a monster I'd become. I took her in my arms, but it's too late, I can't take back what I did.
In town I tried to return one of her birthday presents to Index (she got 2 of the same), we don't have a receipt as it was a present, but it obviously hadn't been opened and had all it's original packaging. I just wanted to swap it for something else. The guy was really arsey, said he wouldn't without a receipt. I got him to get the manager who fed me a load of bullshit about the fact that it might have been nicked, etc. Like I'm going to steal something, then try to swap it for something else! So I had promised dd another present, she was looking forward to it, and I had to let her down again.
Dh came home from work to let me in, and all I could do was to yell at him. He's now gone off feeling pissed off and confused and I feel awful that I'm responsible for that. I couldn't even tell him what the matter was. I've cried for a full half hour in front of dd, she is wondering what is wrong and I feel so devastated. I want to right all the wrongs, but I can't. She deserves better than this, and so does dh. I feel like such a fraud too, I set up that website and now look at me, I can hardly give advice to others can I? I can't even sort myself out. And I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, I just want to go to bed and hide. I hope I can get through the weekend. Thanks everyone, please don't get offended if I don't email anyone, I just need to be alone for a while.

Rhubarb, the speed all this has happened should tell you it's not you "not coping", something else is going on. Be easy on yourself. If dh can look after dd this weekend (I don't know when he works) let him. Pamper yourself. If you had flu you wouldn't feel bad about resting and taking time for yourself, so do it now.

If it all gets too much at the weekend then seek help. Most areas have emergency drs available now (we have a local drop in centre). I know its not as good as seeing a GP who knows you, but if you really feel you need help don't wait.

I've been feeling guilty myslef as I haven't sent you the cheque yet (just very unorganised). It's top of my jobs list.

Make sure you look after yourself. Don't worry about crying in from of dd. I've sobbed in front of my 2 (especially ds1).

Rhubarb, you feel like this BECAUSE YOU ARE ILL. Please, please tell your dh why you are like this. Go to your GP and explain that it is an emergency. Please don't worry about your dd. Please, please go back to your gp's surgery or call your midwife or, ideally both. Or get your dh to do it. I would just walk into your GPs and they WILL see you. Do you think anyone in there feels as bad as you? I don't. Doesn't matter if you cry. It will help them see how bad you are feeling.

Or just let your dh see this thread and he will see how ill you have become suddenly. Think of it like pre-eclampsia. It is caused by pregnancy, it comes on super-fast and you can't do anything about it and it needs medical treatment.

Agree, agree, agree. Please don't feel bad Rhubarb, just get back down there and explain. You're not a fraud. Absolutely Not. If you want me to make the appointment for you I'm about to email you with my mobile number. You can get me on that anytime. I'm driving for a couple of hours this pm though so if you don't get me it means I'm in Somerset or somewhere with a crap signal. Equally, I won't be in the least offended if I don't hear from you. I mean it about call me any time, honestly. Hugs xxx

You need an emergency appointment Rhubarb. If you haven't the energy to pursue it tell your dh how you feel and get him to do it for you. What about your midwife? - she could get an appt. ASAP. Give her a call. You cannot wait until Monday.