Thank you. Am feeling slightly saner today. Went to see GP this morning. There is a 3 month waiting list for CPNs, but she is going to try and get me in as an urgent case. We discussed medication, but I'd rather try to deal with this myself, learn how to recognise the signs and have the support there to handle it, rather than pop pills. I know that they are there if I need them, but I'd rather look at the alternatives first. She's also going to order a computer course for me called 'Beating the Blues' or something like that, a kind of self-help CD ROM.
I also have a double appointment on Thursday with my MW. I feel relieved now that they know, so I only have to phone them and the support will be there.
Dh and I had a long talk last night, once he'd convinced me to eat something! He asked me what he should do, and it was hard to tell him. I tried to explain how I felt and what was going on in my head. He knows that once I'm in that black hole I'm not thinking rationally or reasonably, I can't sit down and say 'This is happening so this is what I need to do', there is no sense to it. So he doesn't take any of it personally, but he does try to bully me into getting out, and if I try to go to bed, he doesn't leave me alone, he pesters me. I think that's best, so that I'm not allowed to wallow in it.
I will fight it. It does take up a lot of energy, but it's worth it if I can reclaim my mind! Luckily those damned dogs are going home today, so that will be a weight off my mind. Thanks for all your support, I knew there was a reason I joined Mumsnet! I'll be putting all of this on my site, it might help others to read an account of it whilst it's actually happening, they might be able to relate to it better. Dh is defintitely having the snip after this one though!