3yo refusing to use potty or toilet

DonkeyMcFluff · 2020-12-13T13:56:25+00:00

If I ask my 3yo whether he needs a wee he always says no. When I put him on the potty or toilet he sits there happily but won’t do anything. If I tell him to do a wee on the toilet he yells no no no! So I put his trousers back on and he wees five minutes later. Occasionally he tells me there’s water on the floor but other times he just carries on playing in his wet clothes. I’ve tried offering him sweets to do a wee. I’ve tried miming a toy doing a wee. I’ve done a wee myself and explained to him what I’m doing. I’ve tried getting him to blow raspberries or laugh to relax his bladder. I’ve tried distracting him with my phone. I’ve made psss noises, run the tap, put his hand in water, poured water on his crotch - nothing. How do I make him do something on the toilet?! I can’t potty train him if he point blank refuses to go.

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Ratbagratty · 13/12/2020 14:02

Why does he need to be potty trained now? Is he showing any signs of being ready? From your op it's not clear he is. I had one like that at 3. I put her back in pull ups and waited until she was ready she was almost 4 by the time she was ready then it was a few weeks until she was dry and reliable at going to the toilet.

They have to be ready, don't make this a power struggle.

Rockpooler · 13/12/2020 14:07

If he is fully verbal I would just stop using nappies. Yes you might go through 4 changes or more of clothes a day but that is just par of the course. Some days we had a whole day of accidents not one toilet success- but it doesn't last long. Mine hated the potty I never used it once i realised they were never going to pee or poo in it - the kids seat on the toilet at home and a hold on the toilet when out was what worked for us.

Original poster

DonkeyMcFluff · 13/12/2020 14:35

Why does he need to be potty trained now?
He’s three and it’s becoming embarrassing. My parents are asking if he has special needs and pushing me to get him assessed by the GP. Friends whose children potty trained at two are giving me pitying looks and making snarky comments. I’m sick of changing nappies. He can’t go to nursery next year if he isn’t potty trained. He’s well old enough to grasp this, many of his peers grasped it almost a year ago.

OP posts:

Shmithecat2 · 13/12/2020 14:41

He's not ready and you can't force it. And I have to disagree strongly that 4 changes of clothes a day is par for the course. That only happens when they're not ready. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a 3yo not being potty trained. When they are ready, it takes a couple of days. It shouldn't be stressful.

Iloveyoucaterpillar · 13/12/2020 14:50

A 3yo not being toilet trained yet is not unusual! My DS has taken about 6 months to be reliably dry and he's nearly 4. We too got a lot of grandparental pressure (apparently I was weeing on the potty from age 2 which may have been the case but not helpful to compare to my boy 35 years later!) For us it was a case of waiting for him to buy into the idea of being a "big boy" who doesn't wee in a nappy.

ExplodingCarrots · 13/12/2020 14:51

I used to work in a nursery for 2-4 year olds. We had ALOT of 3 year olds in nappies. My own DD didn't grasp it until 2 months after her 3rd birthday. The main thing I've learnt is you can't teach a child to toilet train unless they're 100% ready. Some mums would send their newly 2 year old child into nursery with pants and spare clothes and insist they would be potty trained because they're two. The result was accidents all day and a very confused and upset child. Leave them be for a couple of weeks and then return to it.

Mycuppatea · 13/12/2020 14:52

No advice I’m afraid but we in the same position and I feel rubbish about it. My LO just isn’t ready, will not let go on the potty or toilet (took forever to get her to even consider sitting on them) even though I want her to be. I’m going to try again after Christmas. I can’t let her just hold it for 6 hours and scream and cry until she wets herself (previous attempt), but it’s getting frustrating

peapotter · 13/12/2020 14:57

Mine is the same. Fortunately I have two older ones who were trained by 2 1/2 so I don’t feel the pressure as much, I just know that dc3 isn’t ready unfortunately.

We went 10 weeks(!!) over lockdown without nappies as “big kids don’t wear nappies”. Sat on the potty every 1/2 hour, bare bottom etc. Still no progress.

One thing we are still trying is sitting on the potty before brushing our teeth, just to get into the hang of it. No pressure to wee, and nappies on all day, but you get a sticker if something does come out.

Going to try again soon. You’re not the only one!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 14:59

Really sorry but I take a different view from most other posters, a 3yr old is ready, it’s parents that aren’t ready to deal with the more reluctant trainee.

Sit him on the toilet with an iPad or a potty in front of the tv, and with no time constraints say “once you’ve done wee wee we can go for a walk/ to the shops/ the park/ make biscuits (whatever).” Then keep near by, but don’t hover over him. When done say “well done”...no huge fuss but acknowledge it, keep the day moving. Yes it’s tedious but for a while you will be responsible to put him on and off the potty, guessing when he needs to go, trying before you leave to go anywhere, realising how long he can go between pees. Don’t ask if he needs the loo, tell him he’s going but also tell him that he can tell you when he needs to go.

TheOtherMaryBerry · 13/12/2020 15:21

Really sorry but I take a different view from most other posters, a 3yr old is ready, it’s parents that aren’t ready to deal with the more reluctant trainee.

What qualifies you to make such a statement. Clearly not all 3 year olds are the same and as pps have said, it's not unusual for a 3 year old to still be struggling.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 15:35

TheOtherMaryBerry what makes everyone else qualified to say “he’s not ready”. Unless additional needs or developmental delays then a verbal 3yr old should be able to use the potty in the day time (night time is hormone dependent).
That is not to say that everyone picks it up easily- they don’t- clearly some take longer than others. I don’t believe that stopping and starting, and sticking a nappy on the occasional day is helpful though, it sends mixed messages.

Mycuppatea · 13/12/2020 15:38

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Really sorry but I take a different view from most other posters, a 3yr old is ready, it’s parents that aren’t ready to deal with the more reluctant trainee.

Sit him on the toilet with an iPad or a potty in front of the tv, and with no time constraints say “once you’ve done wee wee we can go for a walk/ to the shops/ the park/ make biscuits (whatever).” Then keep near by, but don’t hover over him. When done say “well done”...no huge fuss but acknowledge it, keep the day moving. Yes it’s tedious but for a while you will be responsible to put him on and off the potty, guessing when he needs to go, trying before you leave to go anywhere, realising how long he can go between pees. Don’t ask if he needs the loo, tell him he’s going but also tell him that he can tell you when he needs to go.

Ok so sit her on the potty in front of the TV until she goes. No time constraints... she held it for 6 HOURS. So I serve breakfast and lunch on the potty too? And then the antibiotics when she gets a UTI? Or do I withhold all food until she goes as well? I’m sure she’ll love using the potty after that.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 15:39

6hours??! At that point shouldn’t a child see a dr regardless

Mycuppatea · 13/12/2020 15:43

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

6hours??! At that point shouldn’t a child see a dr regardless

Why because she’s not comfortable weeing in a potty (which is totally alien to her) so would rather hold it or use a nappy? Is that a medical issue, not being ready to use the potty?

Mycuppatea · 13/12/2020 15:44

I think you’re very lucky if you can pop a child on the potty, say we will go to the park once you’re done and Boom, wee comes out. Unfortunately not the experience I’ve had

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 15:48

Why such venom? If a child was reluctant to try food during weaning would you just take it away and say try again in 6 months. If a school aged child struggles to count or read do you give up and try again in a year. Is not about pressurising a child but recognising this is a milestone like anyother. For some reason people get so defensive about potty training. Obviously some will take longer than others but it’s clear that those who stop/ start the process take the longest, it’s a mixed message.

Mycuppatea · 13/12/2020 15:52

I’m confused, what venom? Your advice was to sit them on the potty until they go. That hasn’t worked for us. I’ve said we are trying again after Christmas.

And you didn’t say some take longer than others, you’ve said 3 year olds are ready and it’s the parents that aren’t. Thanks for the advice so far though

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 16:03

And you didn’t say some take longer than others
“deal with the more reluctant trainee” is what I said.
Oh well stick a nappy back on the child, that will make the potty a less scary alien place

Mycuppatea · 13/12/2020 16:10

I’m genuinely interested in your advice - so if she refuses to wee in the potty, what do I do?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 16:15

I’d probably try bypassing the potty then (some friends did this) and ask if she’d prefer to use the loo like mummy and buy her a loo seat.
I’d try going to the loo at the same time so she can see there’s nothing scary in it.
I’d keep trying the oh crap method, keeping her naked from the waist down at home in the beginning and if she has more accidents than most oh well so be it. I wouldn’t tell her off for accidents, nor would I reward use of the toilet- the message constantly being “the potty/ toilet/ loo is just something we do now we are older.

PollyDarton1 · 13/12/2020 16:44

My son didn't grasp toilet training until 3.5 - maybe even later for poo - and we bypassed the potty and went straight to the toilet. He was used to seeing me and his dad using the toilet and by the time he was finally ready he could get himself up and do it himself.

He's not long turned four and is wiping his bum and getting himself dressed now, after starting the year with me thinking we'd never crack it! It does just happen eventually, even if you've got vipers on your back telling you it should be done by now.

In my experience (of having boys and knowing young boys) boys can be a bit slower at getting it unless they have older siblings.

ladymalfoy45 · 13/12/2020 16:52

I agree with @OnlyFoolsnMothers. Our DD used a potty a couple of times but the toilet seat topper was brilliant. Far easier than rinsing out the potty imho.
And let her watch you when you go then ask her if she wants a ‘just in case wee’ when you’ve finished.

Mycuppatea · 13/12/2020 17:02

We get the same reaction to the toilet seat as we do the potty annoyingly. Really hoping after Christmas we can crack it or at least make progress, with a week off before back to preschool.

Danni91 · 13/12/2020 17:06

It's so shit of people to assume it's a slow kid or a lazy parent ?

What is that ?

If you've got nothing nice to say dont respond to a thread of someone clearly asking for help.

...OP, its not a one size fits all, its not a child issue nor a you issue. Just leave it and try again in a month or two.
Maybe you can make a game out of it regarding santa or something festive.

He obviously knows when he needs to pee. My current 2 year old holds it in wont go on the potty but does run into the bathroom to pee on the floor when hes nappy free for whatever reason. But he feels more secure in a nappy and for now that's ok!
Just because he knows the feeling and the bathroom doesnt mean he needs to be forced just yet (although we do always offer a potty he just says no and runs off!)

My eldest son was potty trained at 2 but it came with lots of panic and basically forcing him which in turn did us no favours.

My nephew only got trained before he went to preschool (just after he turned 4) wasn't through lack of trying just he went for his taster day and decided he wanted no more nappies.

I think anywhere between 2 & 3 and a 1/2 is fine. Ideally they would be fully trained before preschool but nursery wont expect them all to be dry all of the time.

Don't stress yourself come back to it in a few weeks. Have you tried the nursery rhymes to help?

Danni91 · 13/12/2020 17:12

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Why such venom? If a child was reluctant to try food during weaning would you just take it away and say try again in 6 months. If a school aged child struggles to count or read do you give up and try again in a year. Is not about pressurising a child but recognising this is a milestone like anyother. For some reason people get so defensive about potty training. Obviously some will take longer than others but it’s clear that those who stop/ start the process take the longest, it’s a mixed message.

That's dumb. Yes if my 6 month old didnt want to eat food yet I would wait a week or two and try again. If my child struggled with phonics or math I wouldn't force them to sit and work it all out, id encourage them and if they got upset they couldn't do it then yes id happily wait a few weeks until it wasn't such a battle for their tiny minds.

It's weird to think you can force feed a child just because its the recommended age or force them to learn something you think they should know.

Tying shoe laces, getting dressed, sleeping through, learning the time ect.... you can't force it. Sometimes you just wait a little longer until they are ready. It's not JUST potty training