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Postnatal health

As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

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Original poster

Is my baby mine?

78 replies

ismybabymine · 06/01/2022 00:08

Long time poster, name changed for this thread. I know this isn't rational. But it isn't 'affecting my life' so not sure a gp would/ could help?

I have a nine month old. He's my second baby... but I just don't think he's my baby. I'm a woman. I gave birth to him. But I just keep thinking: he's not your baby, he's not yours.

Nobody in the family thinks he looks like either my husband nor myself. I feel quite disconnected from him. I don't want to hurt him or anything like that. I mean, he's just a baby. But I think it makes me resent him at least a bit.

I suffered primary infertility with my eldest and ds then came as a total shock. Because I was wfh during the pandemic when I got pregnant, I didn't really tell people I was pregnant. I think a lot of my friends/ acquaintances don't know I now have two children... I felt shit talking about being pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy after all I went through to get older child. Also have a few work colleagues who've had real difficulties. Obvs work people know I'm on mat leave, but I didn't tell most of them until just before I went. It was super surreal.

I'm not sure if this is pnd/ ocd. But I get this intrusive thought most days. And I have trouble sleeping.

I KNOW he's mine (obvs as he came out of my vagina)... but I just keep getting this intrusive thought. What could/ would a gp be able to do to help me so I stop thinking this all the time?

I have no practical support on a day to day basis...

What do I do to stop thinking/ feeling like my baby isn't mine???

OP posts:

ReggaetonLente · 06/01/2022 00:14

This is OCD. I had it too. It WILL get better but you need help. Health visitor, GP, whoever it's easier to talk to first. They will have heard this before and will know what to do. Good luck xx

HarrietSchulenberg · 06/01/2022 00:14

I would have a chat with your HV or GP as you recognise that your thoughts aren't rational but they are still very valid feelings for you.

ReggaetonLente · 06/01/2022 00:15

For me it was a combination of medication, talking therapy and just time x

Temporaryanonymity · 06/01/2022 00:16

Hello, having babies is hard. I remember feelings of disconnection too. I don’t know if it was tbf tiredness or the hormones or what but it was definitely there. I think speaking to your GP is worth doing. It certainly won’t do any harm.

prospec · 06/01/2022 00:20

OCD. I developed the traditional form after DC1 - the pregnancy had issues which naturally lead me to contamination OCD. Sounds like you've got postnatal OCD in the traditional sense.
Please go and get support, I didn't and battled through alone which nearly destroyed my relationship. I'm a psychologist so knew the methods to overcome it but I really wish I'd reached out.

BuanoKubiamVej · 06/01/2022 00:27

This feeling of dissociation is a symptom of PND. Talk to your GP or or health visitor. You can get help and will feel so much better.

Original poster

ismybabymine · 06/01/2022 03:56

@prospec - the methods to overcome it? Please tell me more.

It's so weird. I don't feel any of this towards my older child. I feel a bit crazy. Tried talking to dh and he said 'you're probably just tired.' He's not wrong, but I can't help feel like I'm going a bit crazy and it's more than just tired. I've been having these thoughts for many months now...

OP posts:

WheresTheEscapeKey · 06/01/2022 04:30

CBT sounds like it might be helpful op

It does sound symptomatic of PND, instrusive thoughts and feelings of disconnection /surrealness can crop up in depression.

I would say that the GP might refer you for talking therapy or CBT and might look into if a medication could help some of these symptoms. CBT will help increase your mindfulness of when unhelpful thoughts occur and what thoughts your might be able to use to reframe them.

Hope that makes sense?

Original poster

ismybabymine · 06/01/2022 07:03

@WheresTheEscapeKey yes that makes sense.

I expect the wait list for this to be years. I also expect a battle with the gp. One of the gps at the surgery once used the phrase 'have more miscarriages' while I was having (my second) miscarriage and was asking for help... 🙄 This was a few years back, but I can't let that shit go and feel reluctant to contact the gp in case it's THAT gp... but that's my issue, not theirs. I'm sure he doesn't even remember saying it. And no, changing gp surgeries isn't an option where I live...

OP posts:

MaudebeGonne · 06/01/2022 07:07

If you are in the UK you can self refer to IAPT for talking therapy and bypass your GP altogether for now. The intrusive thoughts can be a symptom of OCD but really you need a proper assessment and diagnosis. It sounds horrible for you all. I hope that you are able to access some help and start to get to know and love your baby properly.

Herald44 · 06/01/2022 07:17

I had this OP. It was intensified because he was emergency CS and went to NICU after he was born. We were separated for about 6 hours while we both recovered and when they brought him back I thought he was so beautiful but looked completely different to the squishy little face I remembered in the theatre when he was put on my chest. Even now I look at his birth pictures and it doesn't look anything like him.
As he got older, like your baby, he looked nothing like me or anyone in the family!! I went through a phase of panicking that though I really loved him, what if they brought the wrong baby back from NICU. I was also depressed and had antidepressants for a while and the feeling eventually faded once I was feeling better.

Original poster

ismybabymine · 06/01/2022 09:28

Cheers @MaudebeGonne! I've now self referred.

@Herald44 - it makes me feel a bit better knowing others have had the same feelings.

I mean, he's cute and all. Just doesn't feel 'mine'? I can't fully explain it because I know it's totally irrational and I'm quite a logical thinker... maybe I'm still just shocked I got pregnant with him?? I don't know.

I am also having a lot of anger. I don't want to hurt him and would never intentionally do something to place him in harm's way. I am worried about 'seeing red' and losing control or something. I don't think I've got many protective instincts over him either - like if a tiger or something carried him off, not sure I'd be fighting tooth and nail for him either. Is that bond?

God I sound like an absolutely crazy person. Wtf is wrong with me?

OP posts:

prospec · 06/01/2022 09:59

I can try and dig out some resources that you may find helpful but I do urge you to seek proper support from someone qualified in this.
Can you afford to go private? That would speed things up.
A big symptom of postnatal OCD is intrusive thoughts about hurting your baby, that's why so many women suffer in silence. You don't have to though and you're not alone. You've already made a big step by simply voicing your thoughts and feelings.
There's nothing wrong with you. You've obviously been through trauma - infertility and miscarriages coupled with a pandemic - and this is just how the brain reacts sometimes.

This might be helpful for you. www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

Original poster

ismybabymine · 06/01/2022 10:06

Weirdly, IAPT have just been in touch and have an assessment appointment today.

I've felt so apathetic about everything for months. Actually voicing this stuff makes me a bit tearful now.

OP posts:

WakeUpLockie · 06/01/2022 10:08

I can relate OP. Honestly medicine is such a great invention. It can really really help and the relief will be immense. That contrast of knowing you’re being irrational but still having intrusive thoughts is so distressing

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 06/01/2022 10:09

I agree with PP; please make an appointment with your GP and discuss these feelings. You aren't the first to feel this way and there is support for you.

WarmForDecember · 06/01/2022 10:12

Good luck.

I also had a shock pregnancy after infertility and honestly it was so hard to deal with. I was lucky and was referred by my midwife to the perinatal mental health team. I saw a psychologist who was great and I've also started Setraline.

Intrusive thoughts are very common/normal but if they are causing distress and are in conjunction with other factors they need addressing.

I think a feeling of 'this isn't real/this isn't my baby' can be normal. With my first baby (IVF, very much planned, looked exactly like my DH etc) I kept feeling like I was waiting for his real parents to turn up and thank me for the babysitting. The difference was it was just a bit of a funny or surreal feeling rather than distressing. With my latest (surprise) baby I was very, very distressed and required the MH intervention.

Good luck and keep going. You've taken an important first step.

Beamur · 06/01/2022 10:17

Good luck with the assessment. Be honest, however weird it sounds! They won't judge you.

prospec · 06/01/2022 10:18

That's really good. Don't be afraid to tell them everything, they won't judge you.

WarmForDecember · 06/01/2022 10:19

Yes agree with this. All of my intrusive thoughts are about harming my baby and it's horrible and hard to say them out loud but they need to know what they are dealing with.

rifling · 06/01/2022 10:29

When my ds was being washed in the next room just after birth, the midwife brought him back in and mentioned that another boy had been born at the same time. This set off a spiral of intrusive thoughts that she had a accidentally swapped the babies. It didn't help that ds1 is very dark and I am pale! I didn't want to get too lose to him as for a long time I thought the secret would be discovered and I'd be made to give him back. All this to say, I think it is really common for your brain to go a bit haywire after birth and the whole thing seems bonkers now but felt so real at the time. Speak to your doctor if your husband doesn't understand and be kind to yourself.

rifling · 06/01/2022 10:29

*too close

Ozanj · 06/01/2022 10:35

This is the unresolved anxiety / depression associated with your infertility. If you went through IVF then the clinic can refer you to their free counselling services - they have to give you a spot no matter how long it has been.

SummerHouse · 06/01/2022 10:51

I think this is a form of protecting yourself. The brain is very complicated. You are doing the right thing. I had OCD and possibly PND and many intrusive thoughts. They all passed.

Hope the assessment takes you a step closer. But I speak from the other side and I tell you, it's a beautiful life with two children. Those difficult months haven't shadowed motherhood for me. I think, if anything, I have had a much more positive experience overall.

Needaholidayplease · 06/01/2022 10:56

Hi OP. I had this, definitely maternal (postnatal) ocd. Google maternal OCD and you'll find a great website with loads of info.
So glad you have an iapt referral. These feelings can be so real seeming. I intellectually 'knew' I'd had my baby but all my feelings were 'hes not mine, I didn't have a baby, this isn't real'.
I got better with a combination of medication and therapy- you will too!

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