Is my baby mine?

[ismybabymine]

Long time poster, name changed for this thread. I know this isn't rational. But it isn't 'affecting my life' so not sure a gp would/ could help?

I have a nine month old. He's my second baby... but I just don't think he's my baby. I'm a woman. I gave birth to him. But I just keep thinking: he's not your baby, he's not yours.

Nobody in the family thinks he looks like either my husband nor myself. I feel quite disconnected from him. I don't want to hurt him or anything like that. I mean, he's just a baby. But I think it makes me resent him at least a bit.

I suffered primary infertility with my eldest and ds then came as a total shock. Because I was wfh during the pandemic when I got pregnant, I didn't really tell people I was pregnant. I think a lot of my friends/ acquaintances don't know I now have two children... I felt shit talking about being pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy after all I went through to get older child. Also have a few work colleagues who've had real difficulties. Obvs work people know I'm on mat leave, but I didn't tell most of them until just before I went. It was super surreal.

I'm not sure if this is pnd/ ocd. But I get this intrusive thought most days. And I have trouble sleeping.

I KNOW he's mine (obvs as he came out of my vagina)... but I just keep getting this intrusive thought. What could/ would a gp be able to do to help me so I stop thinking this all the time?

I have no practical support on a day to day basis...

What do I do to stop thinking/ feeling like my baby isn't mine???

@dreamingdream - he's 9 months...

Oh gosh this takes me back. My first child arrived through a really traumatic delivery and was whisked away to NICU without so much as a cuddle. He was about 4 hours old when I saw him and he didn’t look as I was expecting (mixed race couple, and he’s much fairer than I was expecting, with red hair!). I was convinced he wasn’t mine, though the team in NICU seemed to think this might be quite common. They very patiently kept showing me his hospital band, and other bits of paperwork (part of me was like yeah right you’ve just put the wrong band on him ). I was horribly postnatally depressed afterwards and really wish I had got help. I didn’t really realise at the time, but until I had another child. And whilst I’m ok now, I do think I bear some scars from that time. So yes, definitely do seek some help, maybe even from your GP.

I've made an appointment to see gp today. I think sleep (or lack of quality) is really messing with me. But I can't do anything about that. I got to bed once they're asleep (f-ing 9:30 last night), get up 2-3 times in the night and then sleep when he sleeps (or try to) 40 mins x 2. Oh and today we all got up before 6. Lovely.

I'm not sure how I can do this and stop being so angry and fucking miserable. I hate that my older child is starting to copy me and is a nightmare when it's just her, me and ds.

Yup. Pills and sympathy and a pat on the back (metaphorically speaking). At least that's exactly what I expected.

I've pretty much been up since 2:30. He's bunged up. Antidepressants and cbt won't fix sleep deprivation as a cause of all this.

I've also realised the team I've been referred to basically is the step before hospitalisation. Which could be a good thing, as they're actual specialists. But also makes me feel like they think I'm unhinged, crazy, abnormal. I'd feel more comfortable with perinatal. Their website says they deal with mothers of babies up to a year old. Liars.

This thread is my place to rant.

Lack of sleep is horrible and when you know it's not going to magically get better quickly, it's a real grind.
Engage with the people you're referred to, but it's not unreasonable to ask why you weren't referred to perinatal if the cut off is a year.

Had my assessment with the people I've just been referred to. They want to ask perinatal and other colleagues for advice and then come up with a plan. Seems sound enough. They've advised not to take the AD the gp prescribed as it's notoriously difficult to come off of.

So will wait to see what they say.

I think, and hope, it will pass. I had a similar thing but not the same with my youngest. I had repeated threatened miscarriages and someone said it was "nature's way" and probably something wrong with the baby. Lovely thing to say. Anyway he was born, big baby, difficult forceps delivery, he truly looked like he'd gone several rounds in the boxing ring. My other children were very pretty babies, not just me people commented on it and I remember my neighbour asking to see him and saying, "Your babies are so beautiful" and she actually recoiled when she saw him, I mean he wasn't that horrific but he wasn't what she was expecting.

I became really convinced there was something wrong with him, on the post natal ward if I saw midwives talking I would be convinced they were talking about me and working out how to break the bad news. I never told anyone and it went on for months. I was incredibly protective of him as I just knew that one day a medical person would be brave enough to break the news.

It went on for months, maybe a year, and then one day I realised he was fine. It was a very weird experience.

So the consultant is now querying whether I have psychosis?? Despite being totally lucid and recognising that this intrusive thought isn't real (although it used to make me question things a lot more than it does now; I just find it upsetting, illogical and a bit scary). Wtf? Means a delay in getting support, any sort of medication or anything happening really.

Makes me pretty down, actually.

The assessor that I spoke to yesterday thought anxiety after speaking to me. But then they went to a meeting, discussed my situation and the consultant has overruled her. So now more discussions (behind the scenes and without my input, apparently) need to happen. I appreciate they want to get this right, but I feel like this is a huge waste of resources. I've even felt a little better after consecutive nights of decent sleep?

Feels like huge mountains the size of the Himalayas being made out of molehills...

Hang in there. The doctors obviously think it's worth the time and effort to consider your experiences thoroughly.

Have you met this consultant who has overruled them, at any stage?

Oh OP, you're doing so well to talk about this all so clearly. You will come out the other side, but I hope they get the right diagnosis for you.

@PearPickingPorky - no, I haven't met the consultant. I've had two (phone) assessments. One with IAPT and then another with a woman from this second, more 'serious' team... with a referral bounced from perinatal in the middle. The consultant has only heard about me through this meeting where cases are discussed to find the 'right pathway.'

It's all been happening a lot faster than I expected.

The second assessor was very much leaning towards anxiety/ ocd...

I don’t have anything helpful to add really, but I felt like this with my DD, I knew logically she must be mine because she had a heart condition she’d been diagnosed with while I was pregnant. But she recovered from this very quickly after birth and she just looked nothing like me or my other babies. I even went as far as ordering DNA tests even though logically I new she must be mine.

I never did get help, it got better when she was a toddler though, and it probably would have got better much sooner if I’d have gotten help. But she’s the most amazing kid, and she doesn’t look like me, she looks like herself, my daughter, and she’s mine.

You’ve done the right thing getting help though OP, hopefully you will get some great support as they are taking it so seriously. I’m a massive hypocrite saying this but don’t be afraid of that support, lean into it and just be honest. Things will get better

Intrusive thoughts are considered a form of OCD and anxiety goes hand in hand with OCD.

@ismybabymine What is the issue you are having exactly? Do you not like the help you are getting? Do you find any of the advice on mumsnet helpful or not? Sometimes I try and help people on Mumsnet and I feel my advice is completely ignored so what's the point in helping...

I’m going to be flamed but I think if this was me I would actually do a dna test. They’re about 99.00 from boots. I think it’s a clear way to soothe those intrusive thoughts. “He’s not mine” “well actually I have the paper to prove he is”- I think for the sake of 99.00 for my mental health I’d have too, even if I told nobody!

@Bravenheart

I’m going to be flamed but I think if this was me I would actually do a dna test. They’re about 99.00 from boots. I think it’s a clear way to soothe those intrusive thoughts. “He’s not mine” “well actually I have the paper to prove he is”- I think for the sake of 99.00 for my mental health I’d have too, even if I told nobody!

I was actually going to say the same thing, and I did it. I didn't have PND or OCD (was assessed because the doctor had concerns, ironically I'm a mental health specialist myself) but my son had been born early and taken away and looked nothing like his father or me. I knew logically he was mine and loved him but I kept having these constant niggles that he didn't feel mine or look mine. I don't suffer from anxiety and didn't feel anxious or stressed about this though, more pragmatic. As I needed a DNA paternity test to prove his British heritage for his passport (didn't name his British father on the birth certificate so they wanted proof to issue him citizenship) I got a paternity test - could have gotten a maternity one too but given his father came back as my ex husband 5000 miles away I was pretty sure that meant he was mine.

And overnight the niggles went away. If it was just that I'd suggest you get a test. But it sounds like you're worried it could be more too so maybe pursuing a test and medical help is the best way forward?

The OP has said she knows he is her baby. It's just the thought that keeps coming up that he isn't which is upsetting..

@dreamingdream - I'm sorry that appeasing you isn't my priority right now. It's clear I have found the advice helpful - fgs it's the reason I even contacted IAPT or went to the gp. I'm not having an 'issue' with the services I'm being assessed for. I may have previously stated this or not, but I am now using this thread to simply document my experience.

I find your last comment really unhelpful.

@Rtmhwales - that's exactly it: he doesn't feel mine... I think if someone came to me and said 'whoops we made a mistake.' I'd be like, 'oh, here ya go' and hand him back. I like him. He's alright as far as babies go. Maybe the issue is just bond?? I do things just with him. Swimming. Play. Singing.

I just want to stop that obsessive weird rumination that he isn't my son. And feel less rage and sadness. Im not sure if it is 'anything diagnosable' and maybe just needs time. So I guess maybe that's why I feel weird that a consultant is querying psychosis??

I had my ds by Cs while under general anesthetic and for years afterwards had repeated thoughts such as "how do I know he's mine" he didn't look like his siblings or parents (I felt reassured when he was about 5 and I was at my granny s house and found a photo of a cousins child who looked identical) and had a sunny disposition, unlike everyone else in the family. Years later there is absolutely no issue, it faded away ( as did his sunny disposition!)

Anxiety wears many coats. Get the book about intrusive thoughts that was recommended above and best wishes to you.

Psychosis sounds very serious, but like many things there are degrees of severity and a quick Google on the NHS site says a couple of the main symptoms are confused and disturbed thoughts and delusions. So, simply on that I guess it makes sense to consider all options. Doesn't necessarily mean medication and some episodes will pass and not recur.