Is my baby mine?

[ismybabymine]

Long time poster, name changed for this thread. I know this isn't rational. But it isn't 'affecting my life' so not sure a gp would/ could help?

I have a nine month old. He's my second baby... but I just don't think he's my baby. I'm a woman. I gave birth to him. But I just keep thinking: he's not your baby, he's not yours.

Nobody in the family thinks he looks like either my husband nor myself. I feel quite disconnected from him. I don't want to hurt him or anything like that. I mean, he's just a baby. But I think it makes me resent him at least a bit.

I suffered primary infertility with my eldest and ds then came as a total shock. Because I was wfh during the pandemic when I got pregnant, I didn't really tell people I was pregnant. I think a lot of my friends/ acquaintances don't know I now have two children... I felt shit talking about being pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy after all I went through to get older child. Also have a few work colleagues who've had real difficulties. Obvs work people know I'm on mat leave, but I didn't tell most of them until just before I went. It was super surreal.

I'm not sure if this is pnd/ ocd. But I get this intrusive thought most days. And I have trouble sleeping.

I KNOW he's mine (obvs as he came out of my vagina)... but I just keep getting this intrusive thought. What could/ would a gp be able to do to help me so I stop thinking this all the time?

I have no practical support on a day to day basis...

What do I do to stop thinking/ feeling like my baby isn't mine???

There is a book called ‘how to overcome unwanted intrusive thoughts’ and it might really help.

It says 90% of people get intrusive thoughts. It’s how you react to them that’s causing the problem. They mean NOTHING. You can change your reaction to them once you understand them and then it just stops.

Go and talk to your gp. There is definitely help available for this.

All the very best.

Here is the book here, all the best:

Oh you poor thing xx

You don't sound 'mad', you sound unwell. Your appointment today is the first step back to wellness.

Do you feel like he's not yours all the time?

Other people may think (with more knowledge/experience) that this is a daft idea, even harmful, I'm not sure, but if it were me, I'd do a dna test, so I could 'believe' he was mine, even if it didn't 'feel' like it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Xx

Ps: you do know that the Dr meant, if you have more miscarriages (3in a row I think) they will investigate why. It sounds like he was a bit flippant & didn't really explain why he said it.

You will get past this and you're certainly not alone xx. Even when it's not as intrusive & women haven't had the same troubles as you've had, not everyone bonds quickly/easily xx

Hi OP. I hope you get some help sorted swiftly, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I wish I'd heard of maternal OCD years ago, it might have helped me during my pregnancy with DC1. I felt like the pregnancy was not my DHs (there was no possible way this could be, but in my head I imagined all sorts of possibilities, like I could have been spiked and raped and not remember anything, or I could have accidentally used a contaminated towel, etc etc....). I was angry and guilty all the time. I couldn't sleep for weeks, I was sick. When I could rationalise it I thought I must just be going mad. I couldn't speak to anyone about it in case they thought I was mad, or worse, they thought it was true.

It's a lonely place to be in but I'm 100% ok now, and having found out more about OCD and intrusive thoughts I feel more able to talk about what happened. It sounds very similar to what you are experiencing now.

I see OCD action has a support group specifically for perinatal OCD, might be of use: ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/ocd-action-skype-phone-zoom-support-groups/
x

No helpful advice, just solidarity

If you make a GP appointment it’s quite usual for people to specify what GP they want, or don’t want. We’ve got one that is a patronising twat, so I tend to say ‘Not Dr Twat’ and it’s fine.

@JasmineGarden - no it's not all the time. Some days it's there for a few hours. Then some days not at all. Some days it'll come every hour or more.

@Needaholidayplease - that's exactly it.

And no I'm not going to waste money getting a maternal dna test. I know he's my baby, rationally. I can't explain it, but I just keeping thinking he isn't. It's not rational thinking...

And it's not that I'm neglecting anyone (except myself) when I feel this. I still look after him and try to show affection. I don't want him to suffer because I can't get my shit together. And I don't want my other child treating him badly or anything.

I've done the assessment and she's going to ring after speaking to her supervisor. I hope I didn't say the 'wrong things' or that he'll be taken away or anything. I was honest. More honest than I've been with myself. I hope I don't get into trouble for that.

@SheWoreYellow - haha dr twat. That would be hilarious if that were his name.

Well done- your baby certainly won't be taken away or anything like that. Intrusive thoughts and obsessional thinking is awful, but they are only thoughts, and the professionals know this and can treat it really effectively. Glad that you also know that a DNA test would be pointless- if you're anything like me your OCD would find a way to discount the results (maybe the sample was contaminated? Etc etc etc) OCD thrives off that kind of reassurance thing, but in the end, nothing will reassure you because of the illness.
So sorry you're going through this. But truly, I never have those thoughts now, and I was just like you described. Very traumatised by the birth and surreal feeling. It's so hard to articulate how much I FELT like he wasn't my baby and that I hadn't had a baby. Horrible

Don’t battle alone as it is obviously affecting your relationship with him. You don’t call him your son once in your post interestingly.

Hey OP, I'm glad you are getting some support. I struggled with PSTD for 18months after having my DS and finally got round to having therapy. The waiting list for the NHS sessions wasn't that long, about 3 months, although they said I was a priority. Just to put your mind at rest they said they needed to speak to a supervisor too but it was just to discuss the best options for me. You wouldn't be in able trouble, they are supporting you.

Well done for being so honest with them. You won't be in trouble. Intrusive thoughts don't mean you want to harm your baby and they know this.
Glad you won't waste money on a DNA test. It won't solve the underlying causes like professional help will. In fact it could make things worse as your brain will just move onto something else.

Well done for being so honest with them. I'm sure you didn't say any 'wrong' things, it seems like you aren't alone feeling like this at all.

I remember my mum repeatedly saying my little brother HAD to be hers because he was the smallest baby in the hospital. Which makes me think she went through something similar. (15 years of infertility before me, he was a surprise conceived when I was just one, born via EMCS under general and whisked away to the incubator)

I hope I didn't say the 'wrong things' or that he'll be taken away or anything. I was honest. More honest than I've been with myself. I hope I don't get into trouble for that

You did the right thing. There's absolutely no way they'll take him away from you. No way.

Just keep being honest & get the help you need xx

IAPT is waiting to hear back from perinatal. So doesn't look like he'll be taken away tonight anyway.

He's so cute. I just hate this/these feelings.

I've had a quick look on the maternal ocd website and it does seem like a lot of it fits. That website suggests seeing gp, so will see how I go but may have to bite that bullet...

Well, I've just told my husband everything. About referring to counselling and about this intrusive thought thing. His response was basically that he gets them all the time, but can see it might be a bit alarming if you didn't get them and then all of a sudden got this sort of thought. So all in all, a good conversation.

His biggest worry is that they'll just 'fob me off with pills.'

My DD has intrusive thoughts, not maternity ones and she's had professional support which has been helpful. I think for her, it was such a relief to actually understand what was happening. The poster upthread states it simply - they are just thoughts and when you understand that and can recognise that it's an intrusive thought, you're half way there already. You can tell that some of your thoughts aren't real - like you know he is your baby really, but the thought he isn't keeps coming back. They often centre in on the least likely explanation for something oddly enough!
DD has had CBT and a further period of access to online resources to remind her how to deal with this. Hopefully yours will resolve with some help and time.

His biggest worry is that they'll just 'fob me off with pills

I can see what he means (ie that some kind of therapy would be useful) BUT sertraline has changed my life. I started it in October and the past two months I've felt calmer, happier and more relaxed than I have for 20 years. I wish I hadn't been putting it off for decades! I'm in a place where I'm actually able to use the techniques I learned from the psychologist - before I was too anxious to have the headspace to use them effectively.

IAPT have now referred me on to perinatal mental health team who will decide what to do with me...

You've done really well to be honest with everyone so far OP. The perinatal MH team's focus will be on what they can do to help you. Don't write off medication; it can really help to create the mental "space" and fortitude to use talking therapy and other strategies.

All of your posts have been so helpful. @Beamur - you're right that they're just thoughts. Part of me thinks these disturbing thoughts are 'trying to tell me something' sometimes. They aren't logical, which I think is the part I struggle with.

@WarmForDecember - I have absolutely nothing against taking meds if needs be. I took fluoxetine for about 8 months during the infertility stuff (until my successful ivf cycle). They literally saved my life.

Ironically, dh takes a low dose for anxiety and he's the one dead set against them! I also think that some of what's happening might just be me telling myself to get my shit together and take better (physical) care of myself. I need more exercise. Stop the holiday excess, etc... see if lifestyle makes a difference. Then see if some sort of counselling/ therapy helps. Then meds if needs be/ recommended.

Perinatal have rejected my referral because my son is 9 months old - he's too old (despite the intrusive thoughts starting when he was more like 4 months). So I've been bounced back to IAPT, who are referring me to some sort of less specialist 'early access' service?

Not sure why, but this has kind of upset me a bit. Like I'm some sort of nutcase? Like this isn't maternal related? I'm sure it's just because it wasn't what I expected to happen...

It will just be a cut off based on the age of your baby and isn't a reflection on you. Hopefully it's just directing you to a suitable place for support.
It's really upsetting though when it looks like there's a direction you're going in and then it changes.
How have you been over the last few days?

@beamer - really up and down. Yesterday afternoon/ evening in particular was awful. All I could think was 'I am so done.'

But today is a bit better. By 10am I'd hoovered, done a load of washing, got new tyres, fed and got ready both kids, dropped one at nursery and been for a half hour walk. I always feel better when I feel 'productive'.

I think having two is about 50x harder than just having one. I also think the way we do mat leave in the UK is super sexist, but we've had to do it this way for financial reasons...

I'm trying to work on figuring out what my triggers are. I've been reading up on maternal rage and ocd.

That's the thing, some days are totally fine and others make me want to curl in a ball, so it's been hard to say 'actually, I need some help' because some days I don't and feel quite silly.

I think OCD us very sneaky..
DD will be doing just fine and we begin to forget about the OCD and then something will happen and lo, there's the little niggle of doubt or a stray thought. OCD is much more vigilant than we are it seems! It's a form of over active self protection.
Basically the cave men who were alert to tigers didn't get eaten. So the behaviour of being alert to danger is a useful thing.
There are fewer tigers now but we still have those instincts and highly developed brains which are alert to patterns and meaning.
I know my DD finds it incredibly tiring when her intrusive thoughts are flaring. Sometimes she just wants to 'give in' to the thoughts as it gives her brief respite, but in the longer term that doesn't help.
One technique she has learnt is to resist the urge to check or re-examine the thought/seek reassurance, because it does go away by itself. With practice this gets easier.
The good day/bad day is not unusual. Being busy can distract your brain from seeking for the 'danger' for a while.