Hating motherhood- anyone joining in venting?

[StrongInside]

Hi,

I’m a first time mum of a 1.5-year-old. Following a traumatic birth and a very long period of torturous sleep deprivation, I realised I felt so overwhelmed, irritable, tearful and helpless that I asked my GP for help. Following CBT and counselling for post-natal depression, I felt better, but I feel myself sinking back into PND. Maybe I never fully recovered or maybe I’m just not cut out for being a mum, I don’t know.

I really need to know that some of you are going through this, and if we could vent together, that would help us all.

So, I’ll start.
-My partner is at a point where he thinks I choose to be negative and I choose to sit at home in the evenings and do nothing with my free time.

-He doesn’t get how exhausted I am after such a long time of no full-night’s sleep last year and now early mornings (LO wakes up around 6am for the day). I have no energy and an active toddler who wants to throw everything around, wants to switch nursery songs/toys every other minute and wants constant stimulation.

• Partner works full-time so likes to have lie-ins at weekends. Like most men, I don’t think he considers being at home with a baby emotionally and physically like work. I do ask for a lie-in every other week but it hardly makes up for weeks of no proper rest.

• I can’t sleep when my LO naps because I can’t just instantly switch off. By the time I do, LO wakes up from the nap or cries out, then falls back asleep. Or a delivery guy knocks on the door.

• I feel bored ALL the time. Like my brain cells are dying from primitive activities my LO likes doing, from listening to the same nursery songs which he loves and from doing the same daily house chores.

-I make myself go for walks with LO, but I don’t enjoy them because I’m sooo tired. No amount of vitamins is helping.

Does anyone else share any of the same frustrations?

Hi lovely. No words of wisdom but I'm finding things v v tough too. My baby is 3 months old and I love her so much but I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed that I just haven't enjoyed things. I feel so guilty as we went through years of IVF to have her. I've been reminiscing about my old life where I could sleep and rest and just have some downtime. The sleep deprivation has been the hardest thing for me as I've always loved my sleep and I just feel permanently exhausted. I have almost wanted to go back to work for some normality! We've dealt with colic and reflux too which have been so hard. I hope things do get easier for you and you can get a bit more help. xxx

OP I too don't enjoy motherhood. Unfortunately it is a very taboo issue to discuss outside therapy, so don't have the support I would like to have as pretty much everyone seems to love being a parent. I don't and realise that I am in the minority.

Sorry to hear that you both are going through this too. I don’t see what other mums can love about being a mum. In the early months, all energy is sucked out of you by sleep deprivation and constant feeding plus colic, reflux or something else.
Then there are the constant changes in nap patterns throughout the first year and beyond, so just when you think you know when you can hope for some rest, it all changes again. Tantrums, neediness, fussy eating- the list of things goes on and on.

Body has changed, relationship with part er gets strained because you are too exhausted, you don’t even have the energy to eat properly yourself and sleeping in is impossible because partner wants to sleep in himself or he is such a deep sleeper that you end up fully waking up yourself before he opens his eyes.

Partner works full-time so likes to have lie-ins at weekends
And you also work full time, regardless of whether you’re at work or doing childcare. There are two weekend days so you can both have a turn to lie in. If he’s taking both days he’s being selfish and not pulling his weight.

Can you have your thyroid checked?

It might explain the tiredness.

Also I have been you. Until recently. At about 20 months my little one became more interesting and more of a little person rather than a baby who just wanted all the time.

I had over 18 months of hating motherhood. Lockdown enabled me to have a bit more time for me as no commute. I exercised and got fitter and stronger, I ate better so slept better and I started to recover from the motherhood fog.

Can you have some time just for you?

It's the last taboo - but I completely sympathise. Is there any way you could persuade/force your partner to take a week's leave so you could get away on your own? Just leave him to it and refuse to feel guilt! It won't kill him and it won't kill the baby. It sounds like you need to get back to work for your own sanity.

• Partner works full-time so likes to have lie-ins at weekends. Like most men, I don’t think he considers being at home with a baby emotionally and physically like work. I do ask for a lie-in every other week but it hardly makes up for weeks of no proper rest.

I'd be knocking that bullshit on the head. I couldn't stay with someone who treated me with such contempt

It is really hard OP and some mums feel much better working full time and sending their child to nursery. It also rebalances things with a DP/DH. How would you feel about that?

Saturday and Sunday is two days. Two of you. One lie in each. Nothing else is acceptable

It should be you having the lie in at the weekend and him getting up with toddler!

On the tiredness, it could obviously be a result of having a tiring toddler but I was feeling exhausted and I've gone on the contraceptive injection which has helped a lot.

I agree the days at the moment with a 1.5 year old (my son is same) are very monotonous as they are too small to do things like baking or have a conversation!

What time does your partner finish work and what do you do when he does? I find a gin and a bath does wonders for me!

we aren’t going to enjoy parenting for 18 years straight.

What will happen is - you’ll find your ideal age and you’ll enjoy every second of it.

I’m finding that I’m struggling with aged 5 - 9. But I am also loving parenting teens and pre-teens!

Pick your battles and eat cake

Motherhood can be horrendous! You definitely need the lie in more than your partner. Work is a breeze when compared to looking after a baby/ toddler.

I have a 2yo and a 3yo (15month age gap) and have definitely struggled since DC2 came along.

I just don't enjoy the level of dependence they have on me. I feel trapped and exhausted. DC1 sleeps well but is an early riser. DC2 is hard to get down at night and wakes up at least once a night so on a good day I've maybe had 2 x 3 hours a night. It's not enough for me to feel well.

I love them, but I find myself willing them to grow quickly.

It's got much worse during lockdown (Frontline worker with no childcare) and I'm at the point where I'm going to have to go to the GP because I'm having panic attacks about managing it all.

Yes I have a DH, he works 7 days a week and thinks the children are wonderful.

I imagine you'd enjoy parenting a lot more if you were getting some sleep! Lie ins should be shared: one each. No debate. Your OH obviously has not spent enough time parenting solo if he thinks it's so easy so that needs to change. Leave him for a weekend to get on with it and go and stay with a friend/your mum/in a hotel and catch up on some rest and down time. When he's home what's he doing? My dh works ft and he always manages to do the bedtime routine for the toddler and will get up with him and sort breakfast before he goes to work as a minimum. When ds was younger he'd also take over at night so I could rest. He also does his share of cooking/housework and so on. Also, go to bed when your baby does - catching up on sleep is so important and, while I know it's nice to have some baby-free time, I think getting in a decent chunk of sleep is a priority. And it won't be forever, just for now while you're so tired.

Are you working, OP? If not, or not FT, it sounds like you might need to think about going back?

My DS is not quite a year and a half yet and I’ve really not enjoyed this time. My previous baby died neonatally so everything is full of worry which isn’t helped by DS having lots of allergies and an aversion to sleep.

I hated the early years for the reasons you describe.I came out the other side when ds started nursery at 2.5.Hes now 6 and its so much better.

I didn't enjoy motherhood until I went back to work at four and five months each time. Instantly some normality and old routine resumed and I felt 100% better. In fact nursery fees took the equivalent of my salary for nearly three years (joint pot of course), but worth every penny.
Now teens, I haven't a single regret. We're all bonded just fine.

Do you work (although this could be impacted by lockdown). You need one lie in per weekend and get your bloods done as well.

In 1963 Betty Friedan wrote The Feminine Mystique which helped ignite second wave feminism. You could be one of the women in this book. She interviewed women who gave up work to have kids (as you pretty much had to then) and found them dissatisfied. Interestingly in the same year Mary McCarthy’s novel, The Group, was published. It’s pretty much the same theme.

It’s drudgery looking after small kids and the modern version of intense and involved mothering is not satisfying to that many people. You may well enjoy older kids and if you don’t work other than mothering, you might find working helps.

You should each be having a lie in at the weekend, one on Sat morning and one of you on Sunday.

If he doesn't believe it is difficult, go stay with family / friends for a week and let him look after the toddler - he will soon change his tune.

My ex told me after we split up that he finally realised what it's like (as he was doing it for whole weekends and some weeks too when he had time off).

I was in the same place as you OP, I know it's not always possible, but I found going back to work and DS going to nursery really, really, helped. I genuinely, hand on heart love it now, but that's a million miles away from where I was not too long ago. Your DH needs needs to step up as well and let you rest at weekends

I could’ve written your post, even down to partner thinking I “choose” to feel this way. Can’t offer any advice I’m afraid but just know you’re not alone!

I’ve just had baby 2 & it’s made things 10x worse for my mental health. I hate myself for saying that & feeling this way.

I love my children dearly but I do sometimes think I’m not cut out for all this. My own mum lived to be a mother, it was all she ever wanted & “the making of her” as they say. Unfortunately she passed away when I was younger. I’m positive if she were here I’d feel differently, without her I just feel lost & like I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing!!

Go back to work.
Worked wonders for me - you don't need to spend all your time with your children to be a good mum.
Made me enjoy the time I did spend with them.
Also toddlers are pretty dull! They get more interesting as they grow up.

You need sleep. You’re not not getting nowhere near enough and your partner needs to facilitate this. It will massively help with your mood and coping within the day.
Sit DH down for chat and explain he needs to step up now and support you. Seriously a 9-5 job is easy compared to caring for a LO all day.

A lot of people seem dismissive of father's working, then wanting a lie in.
While I completely understand that it must seem frustrsting, they do deserve a sleep too. They are working and earning the money.
Do you work? I know children are a job in themselves, but you sound fed up of being at home all the time. Why don't you get a job, to get away and focus on something else, then you can come home feeling a bit more refreshed after some time away?
My son is 10 months old and I will be returning to work in two weeks. I have found being on maternity leave not as I expected. I have a purpose, I am a mum, but I am more than that. Work will give me a bit of my old self back.