post natal depression after ivf- please don't judge

[jojobean84]

Hi all

This is my first post...
I feel really lost and depressed.

I have a daughter who was concieved naturally in 2012. She is 6 now.
When she was 2.5 we decided to start trying for another.
Nothing happened and after 2 years approx I had a lap and dye to check for blockage and then 6 months clomid.
In Jan 2018 (nearly 3 years of trying) we did a cycle of ivf. It failed due to failed fertilisation. I was devastated. We were told to try icsi and in June 2018 I fell pregnant. I was so happy, I couldn't believe it. On 25th July we had a 7 week scan. It revealed we we're having identical twins. We had a single embryo transfer but it split. At the time I was just so happy to be pregnant.
But as the pregnancy developed I felt so low as I didn't want to have twins. I felt cheated as I was not told this could happen with icsi.

I thought the feelings would go and I'd be happy when they came. But it's now 3 months in and I hate being a twin mum.
I hate the comments- oooh double trouble, you must have your hands full, better you than me... And so on.

I know I should be grateful after my 3 year journey, but I'm deeply depressed. Why couldn't I just be normal. Have one baby. How can I provide for two at the same time.

My daughter loves them, but can see she is at times left to play while we deal with the twins.

I'm sorry to all who are angry at my post.
I have no one to turn to.
I have such dark thoughts.
I know I'm an awful mum

Thanks for allowing me to release.
Also I dwell a lot... How I would be feeling if I had just got pregnant naturally and also if my ivf had just worked first time.

What do I do??? Please help me

You poor thing. I can really relate ...though I don't have twins! My eldest is an ivf baby and I remember my dh really wanted twins and I was thinking "no!"...I desperately wanted a baby but wasn't sure I would cope with two.

I had wiite a bit of post natal anxiety after the birth, I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to feel good but it was quite a while before I relaxed a bit.

Is there anyone who could help out for a couple of hours every day or so to give you a rest? My friend had twins and hired a student to take them out for a walk each day so she could sleep. And do tell health professionals...no one is going to judge. Your reactions sound very normal to me.
H

In terms of the citalopram you will often feel worse before you feel better, that’s entirely normal but often they forget to tell you that! The first 7-10 days is the hardest , you might get an increase in Anxiety along with some initial side effects (e.g flu like symptoms ) . Just try your hardest to persevere . By week 2 it will settle down and by week 4-6 you should notice that they are starting to work .
If you can organise extra support at home when you first start taking them that would be helpful to take a little pressure off you.

Also do anything and everything to make your life easier. Easy dinners , a cleaner if you can afford it etc.
My friend with twins contacted the local college who ran child care courses and put her name down for a student to be placed with her for work experience. She had 2 placements and found them helpful.

In terms of comments people are generally dicks and speak without engaging their brains!

My ivf clinic has said that PND is much more common after an ivf pregnancy than a natural conception. I'm now seeing a psychologist specialised in pregnancy and postnatal mental health. I'm a few sessions in but I'm starting to feel a bit calmer and lighter already. I can recommend it

Thanks again

I've actually taken a 10mg citralopram this evening. I plan to start taking in the evening and will increase in a month.
I was on 10mg which seemed to help.
It's an odd sensation on the brain and also makes me feel a bit like a zombie.

But I know it's a chemical in balance and I need to regulate.
I'm also on the pill but think I need a non hormone based contraceptive. I just don't want to get pregnant!!

I really do feel more needs to be done for post natal women.

I wonder if Megan markle will have it... Or everything will be strawberries and cream

Thanks again

Most IVF services offer free counselling. Maybe you could chat with the clinic counsellor. It might be worth giving them a ring if you haven't tried it already.

You sound like a great mum and your children are lucky to have you. x

Please hang in there, you have been through so much and sound completely overwhelmed with it all. I had just the one and found it so different to how it's 'supposed to be'. Keep on keeping on, ask for help whenever you bloody well need it, go to bed a bit earlier for the next few days whilst you're adjusting to the meds, download some funny podcasts (scummy mummies are my fave) and get yourself a positive planner - write about every single thought and how your day has been. Daily self care is absolutely necessary during those first six months (in my honest opinion). xxx

Op you don't need to feel grateful or like an awful mum just because you're struggling with two babies.

I had PND after both of my children and I generally find motherhood really tough. Currently I have a nearly 9 year old with diagnosed ADHD (since age 5) and awaiting ASC assessment and a nigh on 17 month old who sleeps for a max of 20 mins during the day. I am knackered and regularly have moments where I feel I can't do 'this' anymore and have this overwhelming urge to flee.

What I'm saying I guess is it's bloody tough and most of us struggle. You are most definitely not alone.

I really feel for you OP and you have taken such a big step already by approaching your GP. Are there any local services that you can approach in the meantime?

Thanks all...
Did an online consultation for talking therapies and will be speaking with them tomorrow.

I know I have to change my mindset... I. Sure I will get there.

It's just good and bad days

Well done on seeking support. That’s hugely brave. Wishing you more and more good days ahead

OP no one is judging, baby's are hard and you've had an extremely bumpy time of it. I echo all above, and I'd add to reconsider and talk to your dh, if it was the other way a round you'd want him to talk to you and that's why you're together

Don't feel guilty, any pregnancy is stressful, let alone when you have been ttc, nothing happens & then have to go through the battery of tests & then undergoing IVF, plus finding out you are expecting twins. My brother & SIL went through IVF & had non identical twins, we all thought that SIL had coped well after the birth looking after two babies one of whom had health problems due to being premature & was later diagnosed with Autism & ADHD. Last year she became ill, suffering from severe anxiety & depression, after counselling one of the things that has come out is that she has been bottling up PND for over 11 years, she never asked for help or told anyone how she was feeling. Please don't keep how you feel to yourself, talk to your husband, family, tell your doctor or health visitor how you feel, nobody will judge you, you need to get it out of your system. There is lots of help available, sometimes just telling someone how you feel helps, don't feel guilty for needing antidepressants, if they help you get through the depression they are worth it. Don't forget that as well as all the normal hormonal changes from pregnancy you have probably had all the extra hormones from the IVF, your body & mind will take time to get back to feeling "normal" once again. You will come out the other side of this, it takes time. Get as much rest as you can, if anyone offers to help, accept it, if you get chance of any time to yourself, get out even if it is just window shopping, getting your hair cut or take time to have a nap, a hot bath, whatever makes you feel better. Make sure you eat well, lots of vitamin rich foods, don't push yourself to lose any pregnancy weight until your hormones settle down, have treats if they help you feel better, I should imagine looking after 3 children keeps you active enough. It will get better.

I've just seen you stopped Citalopram after 4 days, antidepressants often make you feel worse at first, they can make you feel paranoid, panicky, more depressed, you need to carry on taking them, it's just the drugs getting in your system, normally by around a month to 6 weeks you start feeling a lot better. Talk to your doctor about starting again, the worse side effects like feeling sick normally pass within a couple of weeks but you need to take them for at least 6 months to feel.properly better & never just stop them all at once, you need to be weaned off them.