Don't feel like myself anymore

[nimfly]

I'm not sure what is wrong with me but my emotions have been all over the place recently. DS is almost 7 months and I love him to pieces, I can't take my eyes off him and I didn't know I could feel so much love for such a tiny person. I feel like a horrible mum though.

Sometimes I really lose my temper with him and have ended up shouting at him to shut up or else I'll make a really loud sound to startle him so he'll stop whining/crying at me. I sometimes struggle with bedtime too, if he is having a night where he doesn't want to sleep or is having difficulty going to sleep I get really angry. Tonight he just wanted to play and bedtime took over an hour longer than usual. I got really angry with him and wished I could tell him to fuck off, I started rocking him really roughly and at one point I threw him down on the bed. At one point when he was whining and trying to fight sleep I wished I could pinch him because I was so angry. I didn't, but I feel absolutely awful and couldn't stop crying afterwards. I'm lying beside him crying now, I don't know why I've become a horrible mum. I love him so much I'd die if anything happened to him and I hate that I lose my temper and could end up hurting him.

I feel very emotional in other aspects too. I have a really short fuse with everyone lately, especially DH and I keep overreacting massively and snapping to situations that aren't even important. I just feel really overwhelmed just now and my emotions feel a bit much sometimes. I hate the way I look and I can stop eating which is making me put on more weight, making me even more ugly and then making me upset and it continues. I just feel like everything is really difficult just now and I don't know what to do

Aw @nimfly that’s hard to read.

In my view, you’re doing so well to recognise and admit that there’s a problem. So, now, first things first- rule out any physical causes:

Consider your contraception and synthetic hormones (I had to change 2 different pills because one made me- frankly- a psycho, and the other made me depressed).
Make sure you’re getting enough sleep (how’s baby sleeping, can’t remember if you said?).
Try to eat say, one piece of fruit a day, so you can start to feel more positive about yourself and your eating habits.

Then - talk to your husband. He sounds like he’s a great guy, and I’m sure he’ll be supportive and want to help as much as he can. You’re his family :) If you’re not sure what to say, you could always ask him to read through your messages here, and go from there.

I just reread your posts and a few other things stood out to me:

“Determined to get better” ie off antidepressants - that’s like saying you were determined to heal your broken leg. It’s not purely a question of willpower. One needs to make the right choices (speaking to GP, getting the right medication, not standing on your broken leg - in my analogy) and things can improve. But it’s not your fault.

“I feel like I can be a good mum” - you ARE a good mum! Just sometimes, like everyone, you struggle.

@Goostacean thank you that's kind of you to say.

I will be going back to the doctor to discuss the implant I think, definitely doesn't seem to be agreeing with me.
Baby sleeps like a dream! He's slept through from 9-9 since 3ish months, it's been fantastic. He also likes his naps still during the day, usually has 2 or 3.
That's a good idea, I've been trying to put more veg into meals now that we're weaning so that we can have the same dinners but find it hard to think of new, different things for every lunch and dinner but snacks are much easier. I've been trying to drink more water too but it's so easy to forget.

He is so lovely, just feels scarier now it's involving his child as well I wouldn't want him to think I'm a danger or that I'm not a good mum. That's a good idea about letting him read the messages. He will be putting DS to bed later so I will try and speak to him afterwards.

Thank you, it's true that antidepressants aren't a bad thing, it just felt like such a personal accomplishment to say I didn't need them anymore so it does feel a bit rubbish to think I actually might, if that makes any sense

Good luck with your chat tonight :) I’m 4hs behind the U.K., so will be up later if you post again.

Hope things go well for you Nimfly. Sorry I haven’t been on here today had a bit of a 😬 day today. Please let us know how you get on.

Oh honey, only 22, gosh. Your body's still adjusting to adult chemistry, even before you factor in pregnancy and that. On the plus side, you're still going to be young and frisky when your DS is older, and that'll be nice.

When I was 22 I was still trying to get better and come off antidepressants, just like you. Now I accept that I need them, just like I need my glasses, because wonky brain chemistry runs in my family just like bad eyesight. You may be similar? It's not a bad thing to have chemical help. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like it's an accomplishment to come off them, I really do, but if you need them, you need them, and really it's nobody's damn business. It took me a few years past 22 to accept that tho.

I lost it this evening with DD. Can't take the endless bloody crying at bedtime. Left her to cry and took myself away. My DH took over and I'm trying to tell myself that DD won't remember this and she mostly gets the good side of me.

@daughterofanarchy hope you're ok!

@Goostacean no chat last night. DS wasn't up for sleeping so bedtime ended up in both him and DH falling asleep after a good few hours, typical!

Nimfly, thank you. I will be okay (I hope). My marriage is going through a very bad patch a the moment. Got a bad headache from
Overthinking. I hope you get to chat with your husband about things tonight x

Hope you're doing ok OP. It does sound like you might have postnatal depression so it would be good if you could talk to your GP - I know it doesn't feel easy but honestly there's no judgement and they are there to help. Or talking to your DP could be a good first step. Even without depression, having a young baby is so difficult/exhausting, so please don't be hard on yourself if/when you feel overwhelmed.

Hugs to you and to Anarchy too

How are you today, OP? :)

@JoanFrenulum yes have depression and anxiety in the family. Feels like I'm always up and down though and any time I have any outside stressors I just collapse every time. Hope you're doing okay. It's true that she won't remember, I keep telling myself that when I get angry or upset because the majority of the time we have so much fun together.

@daughterofanarchy for you, hope you're feeling a bit better today.

@atomicfission thank you. I have managed to speak to my husband and he was as lovely and supportive as ever. He has promised to help out more and to step in when needed if I feel stressed. Hoping to take the next few days as they come and any more bad spells I will definitely seek help.

@Goostacean feeling better today. Been very busy so not had a chance to sit and be in my own thoughts for too long which has helped. Bedtime also took 10 minutes tonight which was a nice surprise so going to chill out with a glass of wine and some chocolate!

DH was very kind when we spoke but I'm aware the past few days haven't got rid of the problem (whatever it may be). Hoping with a bit more support from him and from not keeping it all bottled up I might be able to start feeling better but I've told myself the next time I lose my temper like that or have those days where I can't stop crying I will call my HV or GP straight away. I don't want to let any major issue linger any longer. I'm due to go back to work soon and (as well as dreading it) I don't want to go back and regret the time I've had off with DS as I can only think of the times I've not been great with him. Going to take the next few days/week as it comes. Have a few plans with friends which is unlike me as I usually cancel last minute due to not wanting to leave the house but will make an effort to really try. Appreciate all the support I've gotten here, hoping I can start to feel better soon x

Nimfly,
I’m So glad you have managed to speak to your husband, and that he is aware of your feelings! I really hope that having a bit more support from him (in the sense that he’s aware)- will help you to move past this phase.
You are doing amazing, do not doubt yourself.

@daughterofanarchy thank you for your kind words. Don't feel like I'm doing such a good job today, trying to get ready to go out and DS gets upset when I don't pick him up so he was just crying and wouldn't calm and I ended up shouting at him. Feel awful now, not sure what to do

Glad to hear you were feeling better! Don’t worry about what just happened. Just give him a big cuddle and an apology, and move on. Hope you’ve managed to get out the house! :)

Nimfly, I know that feeling well, trying to get my 6 month old ready to go out this morning was a Challenge. She wants to fight everything at the moment.
Don’t worry about today being a bit 😬, it is a
Small blip you have come so far and you are doing well.

You’re so brave and not alone. I’ve had these thoughts too with both of mine and they scare me so much. I could never have admitted them but feel better for reading this.

Speak to your GP, it seems that we aren’t alone and they will understand; try to get a woman who has had children if poss. It will get easier and you’re doing an amazing job xxx

Just wanted to update Been to GP and was told it's likely to be PND (or a thyroid problem?) so have been put back on ADs and due to go back in 4 weeks for a review. She said if ADs don't work, it's likely the implant/hormones so I'll get that removed if still feeling the same in a months time. Thank you everyone for your support here. Feeling a bit rubbish from being put back on ADs and actually just admitting to myself that there really is a problem here but hoping things start to get better from here.

Ah thanks for the update and a massive Well Done for getting help! That's such a big step and you should feel so proud of yourself. I hope you start feeling much better very soon x