I have pnd don’t I ?

[babyblues2018]

I posted before but didn’t realise there was a postnatal topic.

We tried for 5.5 years for our beautiful baby and he’s a week old. I adore him and in that way I’m totally happy I loved him from the moment he was born. It was such a huge struggle to get him and I’m so happy he’s here. I didn’t think it would happen at all.
I had HG through pregnancy and a few other stressful things which meant I didn’t actuslky enjoy being pregnant I was highly anxious too about what could or might go wrong so didn’t relax and let myself believe there would really be a baby at the end. Now I feel sad it’s over.

It started on Monday with crying in the evening same on tues, wed and Thursday afternoon and evening and yesterday started at lunchtime.

Worried today it will start even earlier. It’s uosettimg me as I love him and I’m happy with him so why can’t I stop crying ? It’s like there is something uncontrollably sad inside I keep crying about all the treatments and how hard it was (at the time I didn’t cry just kept going trying again and again and o think I was numb from it all). But now it’s worked.

I felt anxious and sad leaving hospital in a ‘it’s done now you’ll never get to feel this again’ kind of way and I feel every day that I so desperately wanted this beautiful baby but he won’t be tiny again and I won’t experience it again (I’m nearly 36 and it took 5.5 years for this baby) so walking out of there was bittersweet I didn’t feel like I imagine others do ????

So I feel it is a combination of
I wanted him so desperately and it was hard and that’s caught up with me now
HG made me physically unwell
I’m grieving that I didn’t enjoy pregnancy and I wanted to
I’m grieving for all I went through
I’m grieving as each day passes because he won’t be tiny for long which sounds silly but for so many years I dreamt of the day I’d give birth and have a newborn and that’s happened now and I’ll never feel that again

But I’m doing ok with sleep/feeding/ looking after him and myself so I’m not depressed am I? Or am I?
I don’t know if this is hormones settling but it’s day 9 and I don’t feel it’s lifting

One very worrying sign is bad dreams. Since I was quite young there’s been a type of dream I have, only when I’m very very stressed they are horrendous and don’t happen often but last night I dreamt about it and I knew when I woke it’s a sign my minds not in the right place but I fell I don’t have typical depression and as much as I cry and feel awful I love my baby and I’m so happy with him
I don’t know what on earth to do

How are you today?

In my experience, and if it’s helpful, and without wishing to wish the baby time away - you’ve got new, better things to enjoy all the time. The firsts - smiles, laughs, food, crawl, words, walking, games, drawings - are the exchange you get for saying goodbye to the stages gone before. And whilst I’d love to have one more day with my now five year old as a baby, I wouldn’t swap the lovely boy he has become with the baby he was then.

(For context I cried at the most ridiculous things when he was younger (‘he’ll never have another [random date] as a 0 year old/ he’s already had his first season)

You will get through this, with your beautiful baby by your side.

Coming up to two weeks PP I just sobbed. I had no idea so much fluid could leave one person all at the same time, with the leaky boobs, the night sweats, the constant tears and the bleeding.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? If you'd known how it was going to be then you wouldn't have worried so much.
But OP you worried so much because you cared so much. You've loved this baby for 5.5years already and that's an ENORMOUS pressure even though it's utterly phenomenal.

You are eloquent and currently sound rational in your posts.
Yes, your midwife sounds like an utter cow and if you feel like that about her in a week then I'd make a complaint. Her name will be in your son's red book next to any details she added. Yes, midwives know how robust babies are but if you weren't comfortable she should have sensed that. You are as much her patient as your baby.

How's feeding going? I know you said that you're BFing and that's awesome. Are you allowing yourself lots of gorgeous skin to skin cuddles with baby? I include my husband with us too sometimes as it really gets the family oxytocin flowing :-) ...my baby's now 12 months. We still enjoy skin to skin.

Be kind to yourself. You think you're not having another and that's ok. But that's also you projecting. And hindsight is a wonderful thing. You may have another one day or not. What matters is today. Both enjoying and surviving it!!!
Count his fingers and toes
Watch his ear wriggle as he feeds
Enjoy those sleepy cuddles.

If you are not happy with the support there is more out there.
You will have a health visitor. You can call them (or your husband can)
You are still under the hospital. They can be called too. Call the ward you were discharged from. They may be far but they are there to help you.

Congratulations on your baby.

I’m really tired today I didn’t sleep that well again. We had visitors to see baby so I had to hold it together and it was hard

I have been spending all my time with baby as my husband is unwell and we don’t want him to catch it. I’ve been cuddling him and have him a wash and a little massage I’m really enjoying him I just hate the feeling that every first will be a last.
Throughly those long horrible 5.5 years it dragged and I dreamt of these moments and it’s going too quick I think that why evenings are bad as another day is over I think i fixated on a newborn i need to start thinking of all the nice things about having a baby who will become a child of that makes sense

I think it’s the feeling how much I love this and how much I’ll want to do it again and that it probably won’t be possible 😔

I’m just totally muddled up. The 5.5 years dragged but pregnancy seemed quick and I didn’t mentally prepare properly

@babyblues2018 I went through pregnancy so focused on labour that I was bloody shocked there was a baby to take home. I REALLY wasn't adequately mentally prepared despite knowing I was having a baby 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's ok. It really really is ok to be sad. I don't know if my baby is my first or my only. I sobbed packing away her newborn clothes (yes, I tried to squeeze her in them for too long because of it) 😳
Every time she does something new I am sad because it's the end of an aspect of babyhood.

If your sadness is overwhelming and dominating your days then talk to your HV, Dr, Midwife or husband.

You've done an incredible thing and sometimes it takes a while to actually sink in!

I feel awful tonight. I’ve been looking through my photos crying looking at the pregnancy test line progression pictures the scan pictures etc etc and feeling a real sense of loss almost that it’s over
For so long I wanted sondesperatelymto be pregnant...that was the goal and I broke it down into what I thought was better rather than ‘take home a baby’ as that felt too hard and too much had to go right and it seemed impossible so I focused on
-get pregnant
-stay pregnant
-try to enjoy being pregnant

It was all about that and I tried to enjoy it but still didn’t want to really think ‘baby’ in case we lost him. Now I thinknindidntoo good a job if not getting ahead as I’m missing the pregnancy so much is that mental ? Wishing I could go back a few weeks and enjoy that special time but knowing it was going to actually be ok. I feel so sad it’s gone. So so sad and it’s ridiculous I sat in bed feeding my beautiful baby who I love but crying looking at pregnancy photos. I need to focus on him but I feel stuck it's like my mind has so many years of one thing and I conditioned myself to think one step at a time and I should have focused on the end goal not just pregnancy

OP I don't think you have PND. Or at least it is too early to diagnose yourself with such. You are massively hormonal right now (which is normal) and you are grieving.

I went through exactly this when DD2 was born. I had my dream home water birth, I was high as a kite for 2 days, and then slowly I fell back down to earth. I would cry out of nowhere and would suddenly feel enveloped in sadness and none of my friends I spoke to seemed to understand.

It was all because I knew she would be my last baby. I would never be pregnant again, never give birth again, never have a day old baby again. I was hugely attached to my midwife who had done my antenatal care and attended the birth (I would say a little bit in love with her from all the oxytocin!) and I felt bereaved that in a few weeks she would be out of my life.

Do you know what? Slowly these feelings just got better and faded away. At one month I was able to have my last midwife appointment without crying (I thought I would sob). By six weeks I rarely had any of these thoughts and am now doing fabulously well. The days and weeks after having a baby are so intense that they are sometimes the time we are most broody. I promise you that this will likely get better soon. Talk about it to your midwife, HV, friends who understand you. This too shall pass!

I just can’t bear the thought that after al this it’s over the years trying to be pregnant how stupid is that when I should be grateful for this beautiful little boy. It could have so easily been that I never had a baby at all and here I am being ungrateful and then I feel guilty too 😔

I just wish I could enjoy him and assume that one day I might have another that it might not be the last time but I know the c section will have given more scar tissue and my age isn’t on my side. I have PCOS and adenomyosis and it took 5.5 years so if it was the same I’d be too old and all our money has run out anyway we used every penny the last we spent was the last attempt we were so lucky and I should remember that and not be so spoilt

I didn’t want to start a new thread as my situation is very similar to yours, I need some advice please, I have had my baby 6 months ago 3rd baby, I have had a really rough year as my little one was in intensive care for two weeks, I lost my cat due to illhealth. I often cry daily feel sad and low, I haven’t really enjoyed the kids as much as I probably should have, this last year had been really hard as my 6 month old wakes 5/6times a night for a feed on a good night on a bad night it is 10/12tines, I constantly feel so exhausted and I have been taking birth control but recently discovered that am pregnant again, all this has completely run me down as it is one thing after the other, I went to get my baby weighed at the clinic and broke down crying saying I couldn’t cope, I have no family or friends and never get any visitors my in laws visit occasionally, I just felt so isolated and lonely and exhausted, my hV arranged for a home visit to come talk more, she came this morning with questionnaires of how am feeling etc. Non of the questions were positive it just had options for example I always feel sad or I sometimes feel sad or I occasionally feel sad. Etc, after I filled the quesstionnare she said it was quite high score (17) based on me crying and feeling low. She told me she was going to put me on universal plus and that I will be seeing more of her. She also said she would contact my gp and let them know of how I was feeling, i said that I would feel better if I had counselling or a volunteer just someone to talk to as I hardly have adult company or visitors and just want to talk. She said would refer me to a home start volunteer. And mentioned I be on the universal plus in their books. I am now worried and panicking of what all this will mean? What is universal plus and what will happen next? Will I be known to social services am so scared and my mind is running away with thoughts and possibilities please someone advice me on what all this means and what will happen.

I’m so sorry you are feeling bad as well 😔

I’m not aware of what universal is but maybe it just means more support I’ve heard of home start they are meant to be very good. Hopefully they will be support for you.
I wish I could help more. I’m sorry you are so unhappy as well xxx

Mum sounds like you've been through a very rough year. Home start is a great resource and Universal plus just means more support - nothing to do with SS!

Are there any groups/other ways that you could get out and make some connections in the community?

@babyblues2018 I've been thinking of you today.

Make an appt to see your Dr and talk to them about how you are feeling. Honestly. There's hormones and there's more and a RL conversation and assessment might really help.

Oh, and about the exhausting visitors?
It's ok to say "no, you can't come over" or "we're going for a sleep now" promise! X

I cried daily for about two or three weeks after birth. Now at 7 weeks I'm happy as Larry. Exhaustion plus hormones are a killer. It'll pass

Keep and eye on it, talk to your partner, gp, a different midwife and just log your concerns. But it could well be hormones. I cried for days and days about a week after birth. I felt like everything was black, my baby wouldn’t thrive, I’d never feel happy again, I’d made a huge mistake in having her, I was going to die. Literally awful. But I recovered one day as quickly as it had come on and I didn’t have/go on to have PND. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

It sounds like you're stuck in a vicious circle. You feel overwhelmed and down, which is completely normal after birth, but because you are aware this might be the only time you experience any of these things you feel bad because you're not enjoying them. Which makes you focus on the idea of "enjoying" them even more, which makes you feel worse...

It's great that you have got such a good awareness of how you are feeling. Keep being open with everyone about it as that will help so much.

But I can say that its very, very normal to feel so sad and scared and overwhelmed and upset by everything in the first few weeks or even months after birth. Try to n kind to yourself x