Help! Our beautiful baby arrived but our marriage has crumbled????

[Zigzag22]

Hi
First time poster. Not sure if this is the right place to post but was a bit desperate to 'talk' to someone. Don't really want to let my family or friends know how strange things are so thought maybe some random strangers online could offer advice!

The background:
Beautiful child arrived prematurely and birth was traumatic (aren't they all?!) husband is on his busiest time of work. He didn't really get chance to get everything sorted due to taking emergency paternity leave so he's stressed. He had 3 weeks off but you know what it's like with a newborn. It was just about surviving with a baby. We didn't really get out much and both struggled with lack of sleep.

Since he's gone back to work I've slowly started to get to grips with being a mummy. Ten weeks on and I'm loving the dream! The weather is nice and I'm able to get out and about with my baby - enjoying every second of my precious maternity leave - with the mindset that I need to make the most of this as I'll never get this time again. I have wonderful days then - BANG - I have to come home to stressy rubbish.

My husband is so highly strung st the moment. Every tiny thing I say ends up in an argument. If I ask him to do anything I get a huff or a hesitation or a comment.

I put this down to stress so I can understand how hard it must be for him. Men don't really get father support do they. I've had midwives and health visitors checking up on me but he's had nobody. He doesn't really confide in his family.

I've also wonders if it's jealousy or anxiety. Who knows...

Anyway, when he finally gets time from work he choses to play golf rather than have family time which makes me really sad. This is a frequent pattern. I feel like we're living separate lives.

We're in separate rooms, hardly talk and at the 4am feed I thought I'd catch up on some tv to keep me awake and turned on the TV to find some sex channel on! I saw his work phone on the table and thought if he's watching those sorts of channels who is he texting so I went through his phone. In doing so I have just accidentally called someone in his phone book so I'll get rumbled. Now I feel an idiot or a teenager for doing that as it just makes me look stupid if I get caught.

We're going away on a couple of weeks with his family. Im hoping we will be able to do things together but he's already started saying 'there are some nice little golf courses round there so I will take my clubs'. I feel like shouting 'what about spending time with your child?' He just doesn't seem to get that life has changed. The sad thing is that I hoped he'd want to spend time with me and the baby but he chooses himself instead. I can see why - he says it relaxes him (which is good as I don't want him to be stressed) but st the same time it's selfish.

Loads of other things have happened but I won't go into it. Just felt stupid and guilty for hint through his phone and it set alarm bells off for me thinking I'm rather paranoid or coming to the end of a relationship.

Id say we had a happy marriage before but now u feel the same as I have done when I've broken up with boyfriends in the past. I feel it's going to be a real struggle to keep things going.

Any advice??
I know this is complete waffle but it is past 5am!

Thank you xxxx

It is not your job to make his life stress free, he needs to realise that he is an actual parent not just be able to cherry pick the more pleasant bits.
You also deserve your own down time. I think I would leave him with the baby (preferably on a golf weekend) and make yourself uncontactable. It's time he stepped up and became a parent, after all if you were to chuck him out for being an arsehole he'd have the pleasure of being a solo parent every other weekend!!

Picked up on you saying "middle-aged" there, op. I know it was a joke, but are you older parents? Maybe he is so set in his ways, with the golf & everything...
And were the lovely meals & baths on tap before the baby arrived? The baby is probably a bombshell for him, but really he needs to realise that it's an even bigger one for you. The dynamic of your marriage has changed forever... I mean, the child is here to stay! I hope he gets the memo & it all settles down.

Do you let him look after the baby ever? Would he manage on his own if you were to go out, has he ever taken care of her?

At this stage you are doing 100% and he is doing 0%. If that continues, you will get resentful and he will not know his child at all.

He is not a nice man or a good father. What do you get out of being with him? He wouldn't get you a Muslim cloth from upstairs. What an arse.

He's being so selfish that he will lose you if he carries on like this. Someone needs to tell him.

I agree. I am starting to feel deep down the relationship could be nearing its end but I really don't want to bring up a child in two families.

I keep thinking see how it goes. I can't afford a divorce on maternity leave so I'm going to give it a year and see if I feel the same.

I'm so glad some of you agree with he. I thought I was being unreasonable. So many people say don't worry it's just lack of sleep or hormones but I feel it's more. I feel he's choosing golf over me and his baby. I feel he's not realised a baby changes things!

I've tried leaving him alone with the baby when I'm in the house -for example bath time and bed time. I'll try not to but in. He's had the baby for a couple of hours on his own once not long after I came out of hospital as I booked a manicure & pedicure as didn't get the chance to do that on mat leave as I was still working when our little one arrived.

What he'll do if I book something in a four day is he'll get his mum to babysit. Another thing he'd do is expect me to spend the day with his mum when he's at golf!!! I've broken the cycle on that one now and make alternative plans. (She's a lovely person but I don't want that to become a routine.)

You seriously need to sit him down and tell him exactly how it is and how he's making you feel.
I wouldn't leave it a year - sort it NOW!

Of course he realises having a baby changes things, he's just got you to all the actual parenting so his life doesn't have to change!

What would happen if you showed him this thread, do you think?

Aww OP, I really hope he gives you some more support. I have a 3 month old DS and even though my partner has his own business and works a ridiculous amount of hours a week he helps me so much! I mean, I breastfeed the baby but he does everything he can for DS. For example, he does all night nappy changes, the washing when not working, takes DS out for walks for hours every weekend/ or evening.

I really don't think your partner is doing enough, but you know that.

Even though you say you don't want to raise baby in two families. If your partner doesn't help you it's practically like you are a single parent.

You need to sort this asap.

Xxx

Your DH is out of order. When I had DD my husband did EVERYTHING bar feeding the baby for a long time. He had to as I had a c-section. "Time off" didn't happen (bar a wetting the head pub session when DD was a month old) for a good long time.
And he wanted to do this - he wanted to be with both of us.

His behaviour is not right. Even if you can't afford a divorce, can you afford the damage to your mental health with this man around?

He is completely selfish and self-absorbed. It's upsetting to read about you lighting candles and running baths for him when you're the one who's just had the baby. And even if he gets nothing from being with the baby, surely he should want to be with you and help you?

If I were his mother I would have such a talk with him. I'd be ashamed to see my son behaving like that.

OP, you're more alone than a single mother, really. There's nothing worse than constantly doing things on your own when someone who should be your love and your support buggers off to do whatever he wants all the time.

I have been in this situation and agree with everything Fairylea says. He is disrespecting you, big time. You sound lovely, he is being selfish. It wore me down to be honest. Nothing was ever enough.

I am going to be clear about something I discovered. A marriage can only work if 2 people are making an effort.

My Ex was similar though he just wanted to go to the pub with his mates. I expressed one day simply so he could feed the baby..He didn't come back to feed the baby. When I questioned why he wasn't bothered ..He said he was he was telling people in the pub..

I think you need to be clear..Sit down and ask him what he plans to put into the marriage ..At the moment it sounds like he gives money and wants sex..

I also think if you ask him to do something then don't just do it..

Sounds like the harder you try he laps it up and less he does for you

It sounds like you think the only solution is to divorce him? Could you try talking to him, showing him this thread, handing him the baby and forcing him to look after it, ( even if he is clueless) and trying to sort out the situation first.

There are probably lots of parents that would do this If they got away with it, it is definitely fixable if he actually wants to be a dad. I am not surprised you are getting resentful. He needs to start looking after the baby and acting like a dad.

Because, if you do divorce him, he will want access to the baby and he doesn't know the baby's arse from its elbow now, so whatever happens he needs to start minding the baby more and getting experience being a dad immediately. No more time off!