Dec 08 Ladies - Maybe this thread they'll ALL sleep through the night at the same time!

[Beans33]

Apologies for rubbish title, couldn't think of anything - mind is totally riddled by hormones...!

Oh my goodness Daisy this is really horrible. Do you think maybe as soon as the school holidays start it might be a good idea to pack up the LO's and head to your mums or something like that. If you've got any chance of making this marriage work he has to sit up and take your emotions and feelings seriously. Oh I do want to give you a big hug and make you a nice cup of coffee.

Daisy, love, you sound at the end of your tether. Can you schedule some time with your friends? Your DH is wrong to dismiss your feelings like that. Maybe some time away from him would help. Big hugs.

I'm not sure why but I wanted to give my response to Daisy it's own post so this my normal post for this morning. Which once finished I'll go make your coffee Daisy.

I have Beans address so have FB'ed it to Effie, Jam & Kiwi. I could remember who else wanted it, If anyone does though just message me & I'll send it back ASAP. Syb's is having a bad time at work and sounds pretty hacked off with it. Hope she's ok, have told her to come on as I thought WG's news would cheer her up.

ZJ Daisy is right let the insurance company sort it out. But they are right in what they said it doesn't matter if you had just changed lanes, he ran into you not you into him. In an accident like that whoever ran into the bank of the other is at fault. If he ran into you after you changed lanes he was clearly riding too fast to slow down and respond when you changed lanes. He would have been out of your visual checking range so should have been able to slow if he was doing a resonable speed.

Rubs I have to admit I love travelling on boats but even I would have trouble enjoying a long boat trip heavily clackered, no help from DH and an excited sleep over pal.

Lightening, they are the nutella jars that are a little glass when you finish all the nutella. I'm sure they have them in the UK, some have cartoon characters on, or are just plain glass. They actually resemble what Italians use as a wine glass when they drink at home with dinner. So clever those Italians, they make a children's breakfast spread which never fails to please, then when it's run out, they can drink good wine with it!!!

Oh Daisy what a horrible, horrible way to feel. I thinkit is clear you have to do something. You can't go through life feeling like this. And ultimatley it's not a kindness on the children to stay with their dad out of duty. They need a happy mummy. in my opinion a happy single mother who facilitates a good relationship with a seperatrd father is 100 times better than a depressed married mother with a father modelling bad behaviour in front of the kids.

IIf I were you I would consider whether you want to fight for the relationship. If you do then you need to make a battle plan. Would counselling be an option? I know your DH would probably initially refuse it but maybe if it was part of an ultimatum he might agree. Ask your parents to take the kids for the day and use the time to make your DH aware of how seriously you are considering the future. Make a list of things he would have to do/change for the relationship to work. Maybe talk to CAB first about your rights so you know
your options if he refuses to take you seriously.

Make it clear to him that you know your options and
that he has to take you seriously or you will be gone.
Then evaluate his response and decide what you want
to do.

Am thinking of you. X

Oh no Daisy I hate reasding things like this. So for you. I agree with the others. get away primarily in an attempt to clear your head and make dh notice you are serious. Then, give serious thought to what you want. If there is any chance at all things can be what they once were, it'sd worth a shot, however I do agree it's not good to stay if you aren't happy and can't make it work.
So sorry.....

Vaggie please please fb me beans address.

Oh, Daisy, poor baby. I have to admit to wondering if something of this nature was up as you have been so quiet recently. First thing is, don't feel trapped - you do have options. However bad you think things are, one way or the other there WILL be a way through for you - whether it's fixing your relationship or taking steps to have a break from it for a while to get some clarity of mind.

1. Whether his behaviour is because he is still grieving his Mum or not, the fact remains that that situation placed YOU under a stupendous strain over several months. Yes, it was very sad but day in, day out, you were taking the brunt of that and I don't think it's at all surprising that the added pressure of that and his subsequent behaviour has left you feeling the way you do. I don't know how you go about fixing this. It's something that will just have to recede over time...but in the meantime, he needs to acknowledge that although he has suffered a loss which has affected him deeply...he needs to find a way to grieve a little less selfishly. I think I can say that, having been there! Is there anyone that can say this to him, or more than one person? He might take it better from a third party.

1. If he is basically stopping you from seeing your friends, that is very very bad, because what I reckon you really need most at the mo is space and time for YOURSELF. Also, time away from him. If there's one thing guaranteed to send things downhill fast, it's when you are on top of each other when things are tricky like this. Why does he moan when you go out? Is it because he doesn't want to look after the kids, or because he resents you enjoying yourself, or because he wants you around all the time or what? I mean, he would benefit from getting out more too! Again...if he won't listen to you, someone else needs to tell him the facts of life. What about his nice auntie? His sensible friend? Even your own Mum? Daisy, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM, and fast.

1. Intimacy - well, this just isn't going to get sorted until you sort everything else. Obviously all that doesn't help. Again. if you feel like you are just 'suffering' his attentions I just think this is going to exacerbate all your feelings, but sadly I can't think of an answer to this one at the mo

1. You have everything going for you. You are young and attractive with two lovely children. Your one and only unrepeatable life should not be a vale of tears. You have got to find a way of making him realise that this is serious and urgent and you need to mend your relationship before it's too late. As I said above, I think you need much more time to yourself for a while and you need him to make an effort to change his behaviour. Otherwise, if none of that works...a very short trial separation might bring things into perspective. I know you have a lovely family and a nice church and good friends. Tell them, and let them help you.

Sorry to go on and on. Heaven knows I'm no relationships guru. But I absolutely cannot STAND to see people unhappy, because life IS short, and though bad times are inevitable, any sort of 'long haul misery' like this needs to get sorted. I hope he has lost the habit of reading your posts, as well, as I would hate you to get into trouble. Hang in there xxx

Done Pubes.

I'm glad Sybs sent it through but this now means I have to get of my behind and get out & by the pressie & send it. I also need to send a birthday present for one of DS1's friends in the UK...his birthday was thirteen days ago .

Right, Veggie - I too would love the Beanster's address.

Avo - very sorry about your friend. Oddly it is the second oral cancer diagnosis I have heard of in a week, then the day before yesterday it was in the paper that oral cancers are really on the rise. Positives - if they can operate, it often means that they have caught it at an early stage. Also, if there's any hint of anything in the lymph nodes they will give her chemo to mop that up. But you know all this, I am sure. Thinking of her and her family.

Rubes - you are doing the right thing, I reckon, just letting it ride with your DB. You know you are in the right, and you know that he will never admit it, and there comes a point (for the sake of your own stress levels) when you just have to shrug. Oh, and same sympathies to you as to Summer L, on that final furlong on pregnancy. In my humble/jaundiced? opinion, it is grim-ola. I remember no sleep and breathlessness very clearly. Are you taking iron, though? It turned out my breathlessness last time was caused predominantly by anaemia.

Re: yesterday's budget, the £190 Health in Pregnancy grant is being phased out in April 2011 so all clackers need to be 25 weeks by then. Also, Summer, you need to have that baby before Aug 1 so you can get the full £250 Child Trust Fund! And Spot, you need to have yours before the end of this year as the £50 the CTC is going down to will then be reduced to £0! I know they are small amounts of money and I am not being entirely serious. Also, I think in these times they are perfectly legitimate cuts to make. RIGHT, must get ready.

Lady, I know - due to c/sect being early I scrape in by 4 days [smug]
db is conversing like normal - just forgetting all the drama. Twill be fine, but I've gotta admit I'm much more aware that he talks a lot of rubbish and has told fibs to me so not sure I'll take half of what he says seriously anymore which is sad, but he created that.
I've got that breathlessness constantly - have been checked and iron is fine. Almost with it wasn't so I could fix it!
Thanks for address Vagina. Will have to get of arse now too... Nieces pressy was 4 weeks late

Pubes I'm sorry but can't they just find a hotel room close by? It's only 3 days! Your sorting out their flight for goodness sake.

Bloody next door neighbours are completely renovating their house and the party wall between the bedrooms is so thin I can hear everything so loudly. We have had to put the boys bedtime back because they don't finish until 7.30 every night & now as often happens I'm trying to settle DS2 for his nap & they are banging and scraping away in there. I really hope they finish soon. My only saving grace from this is that when they finally move in DS2's high pitched squeals when he wakes with teething pain will transmit clearly through these walls.

Vag, he offered to hotel it, but I figured it is only 3 nights and I do want to try and have a good time with them to repair some damage. It will be 6 days after dd so not too bad. No, he went and bought full fare flights so I haven't helped at all - his choice though.

Golly, lots to respond too and not much time....

WG Congratulations! That is fantastic news, will keep fingers firmly crossed till the scan.

zoe Very sorry to hear about your accident. Don't beat yourself up about being in shock, those who dialed 999 hadn't been involved in the collision so were much more level headed. Re getting back behind the wheel, perhaps you should try and drive somewhere asap, just so you don't get too scared of driving. Daisy's advice re the insurance sounds good, you shouldn't be ringing round and getting stressed about it all.

avo That is very sad. Sending lots of good vibes to your friend.

daisy I felt very sad reading your post. The other lovely ladies have already given some excellent advice. Please don't feel you are trapped, that is a horrible, horrible image.

Back later, loads of work to do. Oh veggie I've just emailed you to request Beans address, hope that's ok!

Daisy Just wanted to send my love too. Sounds like you might really benefit from someone to talk to - perhaps a counsellor or similar? A non-involved sounding board who can help you straighten out your feelings/fears on everything? I don't necessarily mean marriage counselling, just someone who can be nuetral and listen to you properly and give you space to work out what you really want to do.

Also, perhaps some time away from your DH might help? Even if just a short visit (with or without the little ones - whatever you feel happier with)

Spot forgot to say earlier, when I had DS1 I had my neuchal scan at the FMC and had blood test just before I went for the scan and got the results just after the scan, the results where expressed as a ratio of risk. For DS2 it was done on NHS and I got the results which just said low risk 2 weeks later by post. I had a friend who had a high risk scan so she & her DP decided to have an amnio as the risk of downs was higher than the risk of spontaneous abortion or side effects from the Amnio. I'm sure you won't have to worry about any of that though.

Oh, Daisy, I really feel for you, what a horrible horrible situation. For what it's worth (and the fact that other people have already come in with fantastic advice and from me it would be a bit pot calling kettle anyway), it sounds like you've thought this through a lot. I don't think your DH gets off the hook with him grieving his mum, and I don't like the fact that he's dismissing your feelings in this way.
The thing is, even if you did give him an ultimatum, and he did clean up his act, would you want to be with him? It sounds like you're looking for an out (e.g an affair). Is it that you don't want it to be your fault? Cos whatever happens, it's not.
Of course, it is far easier to give advice than take it and I have often wanted DP to "decide" when we've had one of our should we or shouldn't we split up conversations (pre DS). But it does sound as though you're very sure in your heart what's right for you.
And LadyT put it brilliantly about life being too short for being unhappy (I paraphrase). Of course we will always have unhappy times with people we love, but - well - you know the difference.

Zoe your accident sounds terrifying, I'm so sorry. How are you feeling today? I'm so glad no one was seriously hurt, and that things seem to be in hand with the insurance, police etc.

Avo, sending my best to your friend, what a horrible thing to happen. Puts my gripes into perspective.

Veg I'd be fuming about the neighbour's works (though does putting the boys to bed later mean you get a bit of a lie in?). I think some very early morning counter-decibels are in order.

Lady how is your rash today?
According to my dating scan my EDD is now New YEar's Eve, so I should just about scrape through!

Am still full of cold so not sleeping v well, if it's what T's had no wonder he's been unhappy at night. Better go and clean the kitchen floor after T's food throwing extravaganza (aka lunch).

Oh, Rubes, your Fbook pix are great, glad the hol came good in the end.

Hello,
daisy lots of love to you. It sounds like a horrible way to feel. Lots of good advice from everyone already but I think key is getting DH to talk, maybe it won't feel so terminal if he will at least take your worries seriously. Sorry but the "At least you have got a mum" line must be wearing a bit thin (sorry if that sounds harsh), it is about time that he realises that life isn't just about him. I hope you can get him to listen to you. And how rubbish that he doesn't like you going out with your friends. Can you confront him about why? Surely it doesn't make much difference to him if you go out the odd evening after the kids are in bed? Oh and LadyT I think you may be a relationships guru, actually.

Hehe LadyT I considered going to the hospital and telling them I wanted a c-section before 1st August so that I could get the extra Child Trust Fund cash, just to see their reaction.

zoe that accident sounds really awful. I am not surprised you were useless afterwards, you would have been in shock. So glad the motorcyclist is basically OK though, and I agree let the insurers deal with it all as much as possible (though I have no doubt that you will have to fill in endless long forms about what happened if the accident we had is anything to go by). I assume DD was not with you? Did you have to drive yourself away from the scene of the accident in the end? That must have been a bit scary but I agree with Avo that you should try and drive again as soon as possible if you haven't already.

Feeling a bit better today though still not comfy!

Rubes welcome back! Can't believe you have to go to Devon for another bike race this weekend! I hope he is going to have a break from the bike after that. Hehe, i am just jealous, my (male) friend who I used to cycle with/train with all the time's girlfriend had her second baby 8 weeks ago, and he was telling me how he is quite fit at the moment and won a time trial - HOW UNFAIR IS THAT? One day I will get back on my bikes properly again and be fit. Men do definitely seem to be able to just keep up their hobbies after children somehow, [hmmm]. Sorry to hear about ongoing db problems. I have to say I would probably tell him to stay in a hotel too! but I guess you know how low/high maintenance he is likely to be staying at yours so I assume he will be helpful and not expect you to make him dinner, etc?!

veggie I take it back about you being weird then. That sounds like an excellent design (the nutella jars). Next doors renovations sound like a PITA, I hope they are finished soon.

avo sorry to hear about your friend. Really hope she is ok.

Oh and thanks for advice on the scan, every time my phone rings I keep thinking it's the hospital. Of course, having had the test I have to be prepared for the results, but still...
Lady did you have an amnio when you had the 1 in 97 result first time round? I must have joined the thread after that happened.

I don't really have time but I couldn't ignore some of the posts on here.

Daisy - I am so sad to hear how things are for you. For what its worth, I don't think grief excuses bad behaviour. I think sometimes difficult situations sharpen everything, because the easy rhythms of a comfortable life allow you to avoid confronting the things you don't like or aren't working. The hardest thing is deciding to do something - whatever you do, think about what you want and the steps that might get you there - there will be a way through, little by little.

Did a long post during an insomniac early morning yesterday, but the buttons vanished, so sorry for the lack of personals - but thanks for confirming I had not gone completely mad. I can't leave though without saying how cautiously delighted I am for WG - fingers firmly crossed here.

LadyT - the other effect of the sleepless night is that I finished Sleep with Me - it really is a strange and creepy book. But very compelling.

Spot, I had a CVS, cos you can have one of those between 11 and 14 weeks (I may have got my facts wrong there) whereas an amnio you can have slightly later. CVS is where they take a sample of the placenta itself, amnio is a sample of the fluid - I think. It was a no brainer for me - risk of abnormality greater than risk of miscarriage, and in fact, the fella who did my CVS has a 100% record of no damage done when performing the procedure. I had it done on the Weds and we got the results on the Fri. Waiting was blimmin' horrible. I feel for you, but also feel confident for you.

SL, I am so not a relationships guru I have had to work at every single relationship I have been in, other than with DH, but then we were stupidly similar and had plenty of money and no kids (other than the kids from his first marriage) and so few pressures. I am always cocking it up and also useless at taking my own advice!

Glad you read it, Invis. It's such an odd one. Doesn't exactly make me want to be pals with the author

Right - football calls.

Hello girls

I am so under the cosh with the old work at the moment it is untrue. I have successfully got rid of the children for the last 3 days and again tomorrow but I will still struggle to get it all done by my Monday deadline. I just needed to nip on quickly to say hi.

WG, I am so thrilled by your news. I think girl for you. I know you are anxious and so I will be sending lots of holding on vibes to that wee baby. Take care and lots of love.

Daisy - I am so sorry things are so hard. I definitely think a bit of time to think and decide what woudl be the best course for you is essential. Lots of good wishes and love to you as well.

Avo - I am so sorry to hear about your friend. What a terrible thing to happen. I have read tho that oral cancer has one of the better recovery rates so I'll keep praying for a good outcome for your friend.

Hi Veggie and welcome home Rubes >

Zoe and LadyT - so sorry to hear about your accidents. DO take great care of yourselves over the next few days. I remember when I fell over with Tilly a few weeks ago that I was wobbly for days. You need to be kind to yourselves with plenty of r and r.

Sympathies to all the preggos suffering in the heat. I always found a fan at my feet made me much cooler than directed at my bod.

I feel totally awful for posting and running but I just haven't the time to do a proper catch up post to you all. I am thinking of you though and will be reading if not posting much over the next few days.

Love to all XXXX

Hi all - I'm here! Albeit probably briefly as life suddenly seems a bit busy - can't think why!

I have a couple of v quick personals, then promise will give details!

Firstly, Daisy - my lovely - I'm so sorry for you. It sounds bloody awful and I don't have any sage words of advice. If you think it's worth hanging onto, then hang in there. It might take a year or even a few, but if you want to fight for the relationship, do it. BUT if you feel like it's not worth it any more, then I think you need to take stock and work out how to go about your next steps. Big love.

WG - CONGRATS! I'm keeping fingers crossed etc that all goes well.

THIRDLY - THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR LOVELY KIND WORDS ON HERE! Honestly, brought tears to my eyes. Or perhaps that was Pru latching on. I am truly Pamela Anderson today - proper rubber hard tits. It's great! As you can tell, happy hormones haven't quite left yet, although having the odd moment of despair... But generally loving it.

Pru is a total angel. I'll get a pic on facebook asap. She has a spot of jaundice, so looking nice and tanned! But luckily, it's not the serious type, and she's feeding well and screaming and pooing and everything else she should be doing.

She weighed 6lbs 13oz - exactly the same as Whizzy and was nice and easy. Will bore you with birth story now - if you don't want to know, stop reading now!!

Basically, DH went out on the lash on Friday night and didn't get in til 3am as it was his last blast. I was fuming! At 6.45, my waters broke! HAHA - revenge! So Mum came up to look after Whizz and we went to the hospital. They said if nothing had happened by 8am Sunday I was booked in for induction - just so not what I wanted. Started having mini contractions that I could talk through, so v mild, at 3pm. Nothing major. At 9, they got a bit fiercer and a bit more regular. Then at 10 they started coming literally every 5 mins and lasting for up to a minute. We rang the hospital at 11 and in view of how quick Whizz was, they said we shoudl come in. Got there at 11.50 and they didn't have a room, so I had to labour in reception!!! Luckily, DH coached me well in breathing and so they were manageable - but still every 5 mins and getting stronger.

Finally got a room at 1am, where we had a midwife doing her final training birth - v sweet! She didn't examine me as was managing contractions well and wanted me to have a go on a birthing ball and monitor the contractions. I just wanted a bath!

So hopped (haha - not!) in bath at 2am and lay there chatting to DH and had a couple of monster contractions, and went into transition - all shouty and cross and contrary. Suddenly started pushing while I was

SHIT! Pru weeping - will carry on - cliff hanger.... x

LOL, YOU BIG TEASE!!!

I have to say me personally, I'm not a fan of loads of test etc during pregnancy but if I had been anywhere near 1:100 (well 1:500 even) I would probably have asked for further tests. Otherwise I would have been stressed out the whole pregnancy.

Okay, I'm at work so don't have time to catch up properly (will do tonight whilst the rest of my household watches football and I ignore it to mnet!), but saw WG's news and couldn't not post that I got a very, very faint positive on Monday and a bit more positive on Tuesday! What a bloody rollercoaster....am going to test again tonight, as I've had a bit of spotting already. I am not telling anyone else until after 8 weeks either, but had to blab to you because you've been so lovely with my last loss, that if the worst should happen again I know I'll need your support!