DEC 08 - Barely into toddlerhood and already at our tit's end

[MomOrMum]

Tit's end...had to be done.

Hope this works!

Hello.

Daisy I don't mind at all. Thank you for thinking of me when you are going through the terrible time you are now. Hope you are ok.

Veggie you are right about MIL. She was loads worse with DH when he was younger than she has ever been with me. I honest to god do not think that he means to do what he does. I am terrified of us splitting up but I don't want any future daughter in laws to go through what I am now. Having said that he has really tried today and has been much better. So fingers crossed we are on the right road.

Hope everyone is ok.

Kayz, I'm so glad that your DH has been to the drs today. I hope that the AD's work, and that your DH gets a job soon and that things start to improve. Take care of yourself xx

I think DP finds them quite serious, Veggie, in terms of humour. but at the same time not the hardest of workers. Maybe it's just the industry he's in but there is definitely a culture gap.

Kayz, I'm so glad things seem to be improving today, just going to the Drs is a huge step for many men so it's a good sign he's willing to confront his problems.

That's good about your DH going to the docs, Kayz. As Daisy says, if he can just get a job things might improve.

This is just an aside for Invis actually. I have just finished The Children's Book by AS Byatt and I remembered you said you'd read it. I thought there were too many characters and she wasn't quite on top of them or on the vast swathes of historical and cultural detail, which was in parts pretty indigestible. The whole thing was a bit baggy for me and there were so many unsympathetic characters (Humphry and Olive and Violet and Fludd and Seraphita and Methley and so on and so on). Am I being unfair?

Mulling over what to read next. Reading is soothing at the moment, for various reasons my nerves feel a bit frayed. I think it's probably partly the pregnancy though.

Has anyone seen any of that Channel 4 thing 'One Born Every Minute'? Or is the first one tomorrow night? Is it likely to be depressing or uplifting, do we think?

What's your weather like, Veggie? It is really cold and dank here.

Thanks v much for all your birthday wishes .

LadyT I think I'm going to watch that 'one born...' programme. Although don't think it will help broodyness. DH wants us to go and see a consultant to talk about the likelihood of my being so sick again before we decide. He has a lot more faith in getting an answer than I do - I think they'll just say it's luck of the draw (or possibly DD sick, DS not so much).

Kayz I'm so sorry for you - although second what everyone has said about the difference it will make when he gets another job. Also if there's any way of getting him to see that he does have a choice about how he behaves as a consequence of how his Mum was. We don't have to repeat patterns. She sounds like a nightmare though.

Summer that recipe sounds lovely - have just added artichoke hearts to my shopping order. Yum.

Jolly you never know when you might need to urgently be told there's a duck in the vicinity .

Effie DD only really likes meat - when we eat together she basically eats the same as if not more than me. Which can't be good for her. She goes a bit nuts for it.

And Aub (although nearly called you arti thanks to summer) am so sorry you're finding it hard with DD2 at the moment. For what it's worth I think this age can be a bit of a pain because you can't understand what they want. I couldn't read DS at this age either. Frustration all round, but it too will pass (hello turnip ). So sweet about your DD1 though. Does she have better friends in Wales and Scotland? Our DD was up until 10 last night because she just wouldn't go to bed. Such rage. Am actually a bit frightened of her which I know is all wrong so need to get over it.

Veggie you paint such a lovely picture of your life over there - also why aren't there pirate cafes here? DS would love that.

invis am going to make your rice tonight. I heart fragrant rice but not tried it with lentils.

Right better get ready for work.Have lovely days everyone.

Daisy I hope you get a bit of a break now your parents are back. Take care of yourself.

Morning.

DS1 is at MILs having a sleepover. It was so cute to see him go out to the car clutching his teddy. He looked so grown up.

Someone has swapped DS2 for another baby. He is always awake before half 6 and he is still asleep now. It's just unheard of.

We're going out tonight for a friends birthday. Just going for a meal but it will be nice to go out with the boys.

Thanks for all the advice. It means loads to me.

Hi Kayz have posted on your other thread

DS2 was still asleep when I left this morning! Decided to let him settle (i.e. cry) in his cot last night - he was actually much less upset than when I try cuddling him but not feeding. A couple of mins of angry screams followed by 5-10 mins of moans and grumbling then asleep . Woke at 2, did the same, back to sleep IN HIS OWN BED. May not be repeated but am feeling rather chuffed by the whole thing.

Yes, that reminds me - I meant to say to Aubi that I have read it is common for second children to be more demanding (I certainly was myself, and sort of expect it with this new one as DD is so good, although that could end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy so I should be careful). It's partly because they have to compete and draw attention to themselves as they are joining a fully fledged family. I'm sorry it's hard. I'm no child psychologist but I think that kids probably suffer a lot from frustration at this age.

Urbane, I probably will watch tonight but I am not overly keen to see protracted scenes of agonising birth and if the midwives aren't very nice I am going to get all cross and it's bad for my blood pressure! (Actually I have always had low blood pressure as it happens, but you never know). So you had bad hyperemesis last time but not with your DS?

I hope the scan is ok on Thursday. I am not telling anyone in RL until after the 12 week scan at least because far from having a 1 in (Rubes, was it 75000?) risk I had a 1 in 96 last time and having to have the CVS with everyone all worried and asking me about it made it far harder to bear. Anyway, my 12 week scan won't be until mid-March, so that's ages away.

DP is taking me somewhere on Saturday night to celebrate Valentine's Day on Sun. We are going to drop DD up at my Mum's (150mile round trip!) on Saturday afternoon and collect her on Sunday then go for lunch with my Mum. I am more excited about seeing my Mum but I am very touched that he is going to these efforts.

and thanks for the reciupes - will be cutting and pasting at lunchtime as we need to do a Tesco shop . Am also thikming about investing in a slow cooker.

Kayz glad you're getting some good advice on the other thread and sorry you're having a hard time.

I need to have a whinge now which is nothing serious really but just want to get it off my chest. DH's bloody work! His surgery hours are meant to be 9-5.30 Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and a half day on Tuesday (last appointment is 11.30, then any visits). On Monday he does extended access opening until 8.30 if people want those appointments, on Friday he's duty doc which means anyone who comes in wanting to be seen on the day gets added to his list, and he just stays til they're all seen. (has been duty on Friday for 10 years...)

Over the last few weeks his average getting home times have been 8.45 Monday, 3.30 Tuesday, about 7 Weds and Thurs and 7.30-8 on Friday. Tuesday being his 'half day' is now buggered up by a committee he's on which has monthly meetings at 6.30 on Tuesdays.

It's just a bloody farce! There's so much paperwork to be done, it's not just a case of see the patients then go home. There are all the referrals, forms to fill in, boxes to tick etc which keep him at work. And even though appointments are meant to be 10 minutes, he would never kick out a patient who needed longer, hence his surgeries always over-run.

This morning when he reminded me about the meeting tonight I got cross and said I hated his job, couldn't he give up and become a potter, and he said he really would love to. It's got worse over the last year, just when he's really been needed at home and wanted to get home to see dd, because one doc retired and they've not yet replaced him with a full-time person. So all the docs are working beyond their proper limits anyway. DH has the largest number of patient sessions of any of them, and the largest number on his list. He used to have a morning a week to catch up on all the paperwork that comes in, but since the guy retired it was suggested (while he was away, by one of the other partners ) that his paperwork session be removed so he could see more patients. This was meant to be for a trial period (double ) and just means that he has more paperwork to do in less time.

He hardly ever gets home in time for dd's bedtime. Several of the other docs have children, but they're all much older. He'd quite happily give up some hours and get paid less in return for actually seeing his daughter biut the other partners refuse to hire a salaried doc to take some of the pressure off, because they've all got massive mortgages/school fees etc and don't want to lose money.

Grrrrrr! I know we're really lucky that he's got work, and I should't be complaining, but he's being forced to work far longer than he wants to and hardly gets to see his baby.

OK, rant over

Morning Girls

Kayz - I am so sorry that you and your DH are going through such a rough patch. As others have said it is promising that he rcognises the problem, wants to change and is willing to talk to the doctor. That awareness and willingness if half the battle won. I hope he wins the whole battle before it hurts you any more.

Daisy - sorry your DH is struggling and turning to the bottle for comfort. It is such early days but thank God he has you for support and comfort.

LadyT - I am trying to think of good reads to help your (understandably) frayed nerves. The trouble is that most of my recent reads were on your recommendation so will be of little help to you! I am half way through Wolf Hall which I think I should be enjoying more than I am. Everyone rlses raves about the astute character observations and interpretations but TBH I am pretty ignorant about that period of history so I think a lot of it goes over my head. When I am stressed I often re read old favourites. When my mum was dying we read Middlemarch together and she wrote me a long letter about the life lessons I should take from it. As a result I find great comfort in re-reading that. Do you have any old favs that calm you down? Otherwise I could suggest the Secret Scripture (can't remember the author). I enjoyed that last year. It's a book about a lady in Ireland who is nearing her 70th year in a psychiatric institution for "misbehaving" as a youth. Its not exactly uplifting
though...

Urbane - have you thought of canvassing the wider MN to ask about experiences of subsequent pregnancies after hyperemmisis (sp?). That might help you get a picture of the stats.

Thanks for all your comments on my frustration with DD2. She was of course an angel for the nanny yesterday and showered me with kisses when I got home. She is lovely sometimes.

Just quickly, talking about books, I read the Rotters Club on your recommendation LadyT, I really liked it, also it kind of reminded me of the The Northern Clemency by Philip Hensher, though the latter isn't really as laugh out loud funny. Maybe you could try that, it is an easy read. I woudl offer you my copy but it is hardback and so massive, prob not worth posting.
Secret Scripture - Sebastian Barry, I read The whereabouts of Eneas McNulty by him and didn't really get on with it but I keep meaning to try the Secret Scripture as it sounds a bit more up my street (if depressing)
jj sounds like your DH needs to put his foot down as they are taking the piss. If they have big mortgages and school fees then maybe they should be covering more surgeries themselves. Would it be easy for him to look for a new job, if only to give him some leverage to make them realise he is serious about reducing his hours. People moan about women getting a hard time in the workplace, but to be honest, the lack of flexiblity for men with small kids pisses me off too (DH has had problems with flexibility with his work and is furious about it)
kayz I hope you are ok. I don't really have any advice, but I really think it sounds promising that your DH is taking things seriously. Also I always think you sound so happy in general with your family (including your DH) so I really hope you can work it out.

Just a thought JJ any way your DH could shift around his morning session to another day so that a) he gets to finish at 6:30 on the Tuesday for the meeting and b) he gets a proper afternoon on his half day (even if he finishes late) Does that make sense?
Also any way he could do paperwork at home in the evening? (probably not for confidentiality reasons but just a suggestion)

Jump, I am sorry about this. It is so annoying and frustrating. I know a couple of GPs (one is on the outskirts of Cambridgeshire as it happens but he is happy with his lot) and am aware of what a millstone some of the other partners can be and your DH's are being breathtakingly selfish. Summer's suggestion of moving the half day is a good one though. Or would that not fit in with the others? It seems like the others are taking advantage of him and he needs to do some serious laying-it-on-the-line (which is stressful in itself).

Thanks for thinking of me re: books. In the end I started Past Imperfect by Julian Fellowes and I think it is going to be good. I really enjoyed Snobs five years ago and admire his elegance and wit and lightness of touch. Summer, I am so glad you enoyed The Rotters Club. Will you go on to read The Closed Circle? I've never tried any Philip Hensher and I think I should so that will go on my list. As to W. Hall, I don't know if I am up to it. I have another book of hers, which Invis recommended, so will read that at some point. Her agent is acting for me, fact fans He hasn't read my rewrites yet though, which is also helping to fray my nerves but he is v busy and having done that job for 13 years I understand more than most.

Right, must get some work done today! Might have to put the laptop on a High Shelf.

Morning all. Kazyr really hope you are feeling more positive and cheerful today.

Jump That's crap, loads of sympathy for you if no actual advice..!

If second children are more demanding then I think I might have to think twice about having another one - I find it hard to believe anyone could be more demanding than my DD! She's being seriously high maintenance at the moment. Culminating in last night's Screamfest 2010, where she basically howled the entire night for no obvious reason. Tried Calpol, no temperature.. god knows. I am and knackered today.

On to books ...

SL I didn't like the Whereabouts of Eneas McNulty much either but Secret Scripture is good and A Long Way Home is wonderful, his writing is so poetic.

LadyT I think you are spot on about The Children's Book. It reads to me like one of those "I've done the research and I'm damn well going to shoehorn every last bit of it in" books. And totally agree that some of the characters are just awful. If you want to read Philip Hensher try The Mulberry Empire which is amazing (could not be more different from his recent books either, it's set in 18th century Afghanistan ...)

I'm one of the ones who thought Wolf Hall was stunning, I'd highly recommmend it. I'm reading her French Revolution book now, A Place of Greater Safety. Only about 100 pages in (it's about 2435245 pages long) but liking it so far, though not as stunning as Wolf Hall.

I'm currently getting DS2 down for a later than usual nap. He slept til 9 this morning when he usually wakes around 7.30 so he was not sleepy at 10.30 when he usually goes down. I think he is almost off now and as it's quite sunny today after snowing a little last night I thought I'd go out for a run as DH is working from home. Lady the weather the last few days has been freezing and misty, really misty. Then before that it was raining and freezing. So much like UK I guess.

Lady have you ever thought of dabbling as a book critic? You'd be brilliant. By the way I love books that have the charaters as the main focus and the plot is kind of secondary, if you know what mean any recommendations?

I've been having wistful thoughts this week of writing a blog about being an expat mum and having it published in some Aussie or UK mag, but have realised that I can't think of anything going on over here that might be vaguely interesting.

Urbane I wouldn't be too worried about the meat thing, they eat what they need and your DD obviously needs meat right now.

SL I'm also adding artichokes to my shop this week that recipe sounds lovely.

JJ I think it's time you DH bought this up at their next practice meeting, do they know he's unhappy? They seem to assume he will take it all and not complain so maybe he needs to start agitating. Lazy old lot they are!

Spot DH finds similar and is getting a little frustrated however, some of the lack of work ethic comes from the UK staff. His boss though is Dutch and is quite useless any difficult situations he just puts his head in the sand. They have a guy who is useless and lazy he palms all his work to DH & another guy saying he is busy, but he clearly isn't as he starts work at 10 & finishes at 3.30. DH & the other guy went to their boss about it because they are quite busy and can't do the extra work and they explained this guy was getting them to do the work because he incapable but doesn't want to admit it and his boss just said there is nothing he can do. WTF! He's a manager! Swear I could def do his job. It frustrates me that when I was a manager in the NHS is as equivalent to DH's bosses level but I got paid a fraction of his salary, and he is useless! Though at least he allows his staff to work at home a lot.

Right boy asleep time for a little run.

Veggie: don't put yourself down, I think your posts on life in the Haugue are really interesting. Start a blog and see what happens! It's the day to day stuff that I find fascinating, I get a bit irritated at people trying to find amazing insights where there are none.

Re: books, I'm an action rather than character sort, so my recommendations would be rubbish! Esp as I re-read when under stress. I love working my way through a series, like D L Sayers' books or the Sherlock Holmes short stories. Or even Arthur Ransome (cough). Actually children's books are great for easy reads, has anyone read the Travelling Pants books?

www.amazon.co.uk/Sisterhood-Travelling-Pants-Ann-Brashares/dp/0552548278/ref=sr_1_3 ?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265714476&sr=8-3

Great teen-lit IMO

Or Cynthia Voigt's books

www.amazon.co.uk/Homecoming-Collins-Modern-Classics-Cynthia/dp/0007354401/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books &qid=1265714578&sr=1-2

try again

?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265714476&sr=8-3

Effie Wow Homecoming, that brings back memories! If you like Sherlock Holmes, have you tried G.K. Chesterton, the Father Brown stories? I also love re-reading stuff (Comfort reading, I think of it) and my favourite children's writer for that is Diana Wynne Jones. Stories full of magic and magicians long before Harry Potter came along. Better written too

Love the Fatehr Brown stories as well - much slower pace though! I've only read one Diana W-J but must check them out - any recommendations? I have Amazon vouchers...

Ah well my favourite ones are the Dalemark Quartet (starts with Cart & Cwidder), Dark Lord of Derkholm (which I think is actually meant for adults), Fire & Hemlock, and the Chrestomanci ones (the Lives of Christopher Chant and Charmed Life, mainly). But to be honest I love every single one of them. I also have every single one of them so you are welcome to borrow!

Effie - I'm a real action girl too. Nothing I like better than a bit of serial killer stuff - love it! And supernatural I love too - am just reading The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters - starting to get a bit creepy and am loving it! I was given The Dome by Stephen King for Christmas and it was fab! Really loved it. For all his critics, he is a very gripping writer if you just immerse yourself in it. Although I then watched The Simpsons Movie while I was reading it and I thought perhaps that might be where he got his inspiration!!!! Although his was, clearly, much more psychological and chilling!

The little girl we do the nannyshare with had her MMR on thursday and now has a really high temperature, so has been taken home for the day. I'm slightly wondering - do you think it's MMR related, or could it be a bug?

I would bet it's MMR related, Beans.

I have always meant to read the Father Brown stories so they are going on the list too.

Veggie, I would absolutely love to get some spots of book reviewing - not very well paid but great fun - unfortunately the likelihood of my ever getting such a commission is slim as none of my other commissions have been book reviews (freelance journalism = vicious circle). You should definitely start a blog! Don't know what the Aussie magazine scene is but why not investigate.

Kiwi, I greatly admire your fortitude - I am not good with long books as a rule. The Byatt was the longest book I have read in aeons. But I will look at The Mulberry Empire. Sorry your DD is running you ragged.

Am v impressed with you all reading proper books! I'm currently on this which dh have me for Christmas, it's actually very well written and historically well researched (but not in a clunky, here is my knowledge way). And also The surgeon of Crowthorne. One day I'll start reading proper books again! Have been meaning to read Wolf Hall as I'm fascinated by the reformation.

kiwi argh to dreadful nights, you poor thing.

veggie listen to Lady, you always write so fascinatingly and a blog would be great. And you seem to know so much about so many things as well

SL that recipe sounds yum, am amazed that you have artichoke hearts just lying around the house though!

beans - yes, probably MMR. There seem to be lots of short term side effects that you don't get warned about.

DH's work - well, they were meant to be having a practice meeting to discuss in in December but it never happened and they are trying again to schedule one. They're all overworked, but it seems that DH is the only one willing to sacrifice some cash in return for a bit of life/work balance. We'll see what comes of it all! SL he does bring some paperwork home with him as it is, he just makes sure I can never see it. Most of it has to be done at the computer because that's where everyone's records are.