AUG08 - Amazing Children belonging to the Most AMAZING Group of Friends

[TwilightSurfer]

I am so blessed to be part of this group. We are starting another year together, our 3rd but who's counting. May you each have a happy and healthy one. I look forward to more meetups, more FBing, more Skyping, more Waving, more crazy tales, more laughter, more hand holding, and more support than is humanly possible! XOX

steaky very well said. I may do just that. I am sure he probably has.

no1 just want you to know i'm not ignoring you but laptop is so painfully slow. going to try rebooting so back soon ...hopefully...unless it stops working completeley!!!

No1 - Sending you hugs, I am glad those good with words go here first or you would have just ended up with a hug and no sense from me.

No need to apologise no1, that's what friends are for!

Something I meant to post earlier is that I'm reading 'What mothers do (especially when it looks like nothing)' by Naomi Stadlen at the moment and it is a really fascinating, resonant book. She unpicks the intangible work and art of mothering so well, I think you would really like it. One of the themes running through the book is her observation of new mothers working out how to adjust their lives to the presence of children - the conflict between trying to fit them into your (old) life and slowing your life down to accommodate theirs. As you know, I've recently made a few changes at home re. telly and internet because I could see that I was trying to live my old life and expecting DS to fit in with that, then getting frustrated because he wanted more attention. I have found that by starting from the assumption that he is the centre of the day and of my attention, I get much more done and - crucially - enjoy him and our day together so much more, because I'm not struggling to reconcile two different versions of the day.

All of that waffle is a long-winded way to say that your H is probably still in the 'old life' zone, and he may not understand the benefit and enjoyment of doing things with the DC until he actually starts doing it. It's like exercise: you kind of have to make yourself do things differently at first, but it doesn't take long for the benefits to become apparent. The hard part is starting.

Sorry if this makes no sense I'd definitely recommend that book though, it's a lovely warm read and very encouraging in its recognition of the importance of parental love.

testing testing one two three

Miamla, is that you

morning all, No1 I agree with everything that they've all said before me (late as usual ) but I can't understand when he only works 18shifts out of a 5wk pattern how he doesn't have time for family activities

working shifts ourselves I fully understand how hard it it. Is there maybe some way of solving this by instigating some Father/son activities like - once a week/fortnight he has to take DD or DS swimming - maybe not a great activitiy for his first outing with both? OR you can ALL go swimming? is there a toddler gym thats on nearby? we have one on a Sun morning and depending on which one of us is off, we go with DD1 & DD2 - I had to find/book and follow up on all of these but give DH his dues, he goes now - always helped when they're paid for in advance too

am sorry that the pony is up for sale is there a reason for it?

and very re Christmas behaviour. He should be grateful (esp when working shifts) to be off at such a special time for the kids - it will only be magical for so long before they're old enough to realise the truth

oh thank goodness! its working normally now!

no1 i think what cyteen said re reconciling old life and new is one of the things my DP had trouble with. He couldn't understand why i 'let' my life change so much..erm because i had to! It really does sound like your DH doesn't know what he's missing because when he's there, mostly, he's not really 'there'. oh the others have said things so much better!

morning all else

singapore D is the clingiest baby I have even met. I'm at my wits end as she is on me from the moment she wakens up (normally 6am) till when she goes to bed. Its VERY tiring, I can't get a chance to hug DD2 if she needs one etc and making the tea/having a shower/going to toilet/speaking on phone etc etc etc all utterly impossible unless DH here. At least DH now finally realises how debilitating it is and is a touch more understanding. I'm trying to get through it by telling myself in 10yrs time she won't want me to hug her all the time so get my quota in now if you find a better way please please PLEASE do let me know.

right, who wants to give me a row? I started 2 fights this morning in the playground and poor DD1 has to go to the school where everyone now knows she's related to the neurotic bag woman

long story short - crowd of boys (approx P5 or P6 I think) stand on the wall above the back entrance gate swinging it shut on people as they arrive As we got to school, bloke and his kids arrived just prior to us and they had put the lock over on it so his kids couldn't get it - bloke starts shouting and swearing at the kids calling them 'stupid fcking arsholes' now, as Sazz will tell you, I'm terrible for swearing like a trooper and Miss Daisy I am not but I had all 3 DDs with me and he had young kids and its a school playground FFS!!!

anyway, the boys shut the gate again so I gave them a telling off and told them to come away from the gate and stood there till they did, with DD2 backing me up about the 'very naughty boys'

I then went and said to the bloke that I'd moved the kids on but would be please watch his language, it was a playground, I had my kids etc - got a barrage of further swearing and abuse - nice

all before 9am

Parent council meeting tonight so there will no doubt be a topic brought up about renegade mothers policing the school grounds

more bloody snow here so still can't use car. good news though, DP taken pushchair to shop today so he'll be hopefully coming home with a loan one until ours is repaired. i can't wait til tomorrow when i'll actually be able to take DS out for a walk!!!!

i have discovered that Pea likes neither chicken nor tea! so i've replaced my morning cuppa with a coffee and its going down really rather well

mum asked me yesterday if i was sure i'd got my dates right. i told her i was pretty sure. She reckons i'm looking alot bigger than the 7 weeks i think i am! her next comment was perhaps its twins or more!!! DP nearly had a heartattack at the thought of more than twins!

dizz sounds like you behaved perfectly

oh god now I'm starting barneys on the baby names threads - I'm off to make stew, lasagne and look at my contraceptive pills pack to see when my period is due as I have a feeling its soon

friend had her early scan yesterday and all well, she's due 2nd Sept so still early days but good news none the less

Miamla - you're always bigger 2nd/3rd/4th time round - if I got pregnant again (my 5th pregnancy) I'd be starting off looking 7months never mind 7wks

aTY GMJJJGNBB

Ugh dizzy that bloke sounds like an arse. I doubt the school will be too worried about you doing the right thing i.e. managing the rowdy boys without resorting to sweariness. You know what a potty mouth I am but I try and restrict myself to adults-only conversation (although am resigned to the high probability of DS's first word being 18-rated ).

LOLOLOL though at 'it's a school playground FFS!'

Miamla I read coffee as toffee there and thought no wonder it's going down well. I could eat a toffee right now. Sadly that's the kind of thing that has made a dentist's appt so necessary.

sorry, didn't spot DS had got the laptop open!

dizz how can you possible cause a barney on the baby name threads? surely its all lovely and fluffy over there with everyone loving everyone's elses suggestions

No1 What everyone else said. His drinking does sound like it is related to the things he needs to have therapy for. All his controlling behaviours stem from insecurities. But I do fear he won't accept the need for therapy or do anything about it without a big wake-up call ultimatum from you. And some people would rather lose everything and live their entire lives in fear than face painful truths and grieve lost things. So I think it would be a good idea to find out your rights first of all.

In the meantime, have you seen anyone about the whole spectrum thing? It could potentially take a whole lot of pressure off the both of you, adjust his view of you and your role and even if nothing came of it you will still have learnt some useful techniques for handling the kids. Do you think your DH might possibly be on the spectrum too? Could he actually be seeing/hearing/feeling the world differently to you, nature rather than just nurture? They are all different, there are confident steamrollers, control freaks, nervous types, chattering types.

exactly cyteen, exactly FFS

my only worry is that if I go about telling people off re their language I'm not doing myself any favours for if when the cafe opens

right am off, really off as D is sleeping and DD2 is at playgroup and if I don't get stuff done now I'll have missed my chance before limpet D is up again

oh and thanks for reassuring me that i'm not baking sextuplets (which was my mother's final helpful advice yesterday!)

Miamla - I am huge this time. Someone actually went when I said I was only halfway. I nearly hit her!

Dizzy - you have done nothing I wouldn't have!

We have had 15 hours and nearly 7 inches of snow, my car is stuck again and our road is solid snow/ice now. Am contemplating walking to the Children's centre later to meet a friend as DD is going mad as she is tried of being stuck in with only me as company.

nice of her

vg thankyou so much, it all did make sense, and you made some very good points re dh and some issues fom childhood.
I think overall the good times do outweigh the bad times, and although we are complete opposites and don't ahve that much in common, we rub along really well and have a laugh with each other too.

It just seems to haver been hard work for a while. Maybe gradually since ds was born,(as he often comments how wonderful and easy it was with just one) or steadily got worse since I bought the pony. So for the sake of our marraige I am going to sell her.

If dd is still into ponies when she is a little older, I will make sure he fulfills his promise. He may live to regret it though, as then he will really undrstand how much they can cost.

In the mean time I WILL be going horse riding and he WILL be at home with BOTH dcs while I go and enjoy myself.
Then see what he thinks to that.

He has said he couldn't care less what I do with pony, doesn't even want to talk about it. still not even seen her.

He is not the type to go and talk to anyone about it though, he is a kind of get on with it stop moaning kind of person. Doesn't 'get' depression or stress. Thinks its pathetic.
As someone who has suffered with depression It infuriates me that he doesn't really understand.

He clearly adores the dcs and wants to make sure they have a good future and don't struggle,and often refers to his own childhood and that he will never let them go through what he did.

I feel he concentrates on this that much that forgets that they will grow so quickly and he will miss it all and have different kind of regrets.
What you said about him buying stuff and not me, not sure tbh. He knows that I don't have the income to sustain this pony really (although I am doing it) and I think it is a pride thing as he doesnt want people to think he is a tight arse.
cyteen the book sounds really helpful and miaml as you say about adjusting I totally agree and see where you are coming from.I have been using laptop when dcs are in bed or a sneaky minute or two when they are laying and it works.
dizzy he took ds to supermarket with him yesterday while I took dd to preschool and then farm. I got home at 11.45 and he had been fine with him and can clearly cope withjustonedc

He has promised to try and do more with them so we will see.

As for swimming I am trying to get him to come with us all, but he just will not go.
Unfair as I can't take them both on my own, we spent hundreds of pounds on swimming for dd from 3 months old and it has all been a waste.
I have to take one at a time if I want to go, and I think it is such a shame as it could be great fun for dcs to enjoy it as a regular family outing.

So this will be my last post for a while as dcs are now getting impatient.
Sorry again and THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry one more.
dizzy what an arse that bloke was this morning. Just what you want to hear.

miamla my dh was dreading the scan both times due to me being high risk for twins.

buckets I think dh could def be on the spectrum. Has lots of ocd type things, which he said he could be himself even though he thinks that too is a load of shite.

Anyway you ahve all given me lots of things to mull over.

Hands full now but will post later no1.
Lots of love from here ...