AUG08 - Amazing Children belonging to the Most AMAZING Group of Friends

[TwilightSurfer]

I am so blessed to be part of this group. We are starting another year together, our 3rd but who's counting. May you each have a happy and healthy one. I look forward to more meetups, more FBing, more Skyping, more Waving, more crazy tales, more laughter, more hand holding, and more support than is humanly possible! XOX

If they do something outof order like hitting or punching then I say 'No hitting. That hurts Maud's poor head' and dd2 gets this because she knows the phrase 'poor head' from when she gets a bang.

So it builds up the association between their action and someone else's pain. But I'd say dd1 has only really got the hang of empathy and remorse since she was three because they are really hard skills to master.

She keeps biting ds because he is winding her up. He's been off school since the 22nd of December and thinks he is the king of all he surveys. Back to school tomorrow so as more humble and less inflammatory boy from then on I'm hoping.

I'll be sad to see him head out though as we've had some fab times, reading The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe as it snowed outside, sobbing through ET together ...

When DD does something she should'nt do we I do the same as Red and say 'no xxxxx, it hurts, is yukky'etc but Dh only had to say her name in a certain voice and she comes running in tears. He has had to limit it's use but it is amazing the effect and it lasts too.

Dizzy - you okay tonight??

Sazz - please you made it out of Bristol in time - DH was watching the footie and it is like a small blizzard. I hope you aren't too snow bound tomorrow.

VG - how was DS1's first day back?

Sazz - it started at 6ish and now have everything that had defrosted covered in almost an inch already. So much for 1-4cms in total the front is moving slower than they thought, I didn't know snow could fall so hard.

The whole yukky/dirty thing just seems to spur DS on Still, persistence is key.

Sazz glad I could make you lol after a hard day's shoe shopping work On a brighter note, DS does seems to have mastered the whole toilet brush concept so maybe in a few months' time the whole house will be sparkling

Red ahhhhh those are the kind of magic childhood memories I look forward to building (ET and Narnia, not biting and grossness).

GB hope you enjoy Glee as much as I did, I was hooked by the end of episode one

Off to bed now after an exciting evening's travel plan discussion with DP Laters!

Cyteen - the next step to using the toilet brush is to use it on your teeth!! I found DD with one about to go in her mouth but she does love brushing her teeth!

Sleep well all I'm off to bath so I'm a sparkly clean for my giant wax session tomorrow

Ah, thanks for thinking of me Sazz.
I'm supposed to be restarting tonight, but 3 children all day (dd1 gave up her nap over Christmas) every day since 29th means I am on strike until DS goes back to school tomorrow.

It will all ease off then in Feb when dh's second job quitting takes effect, thank God.

Really, they are lovely children but I have got to the point of freaking out if anyone even looks like they might ask for a snack.

DD1 praises me extravagantly for all the food I make and asks every evening if we can have the same again every night. She also noisily declares her love for her 'little darling' dd2. Self-serving fakery of the highest order in both cases.

To give you some flavour of the chaos, dd2 has learnt to say 'oh no!' this week. Her favourite thing to say though is 'book, knee' if I have not got a lap available for sitting on.

No1- a belated bit of solidarity from me re.the unsettledness. I've said before that having a very unsettled ds did nasty things to the dynamics of my relationship with dh (amnesiac dh says this didn't happen ). They were temporary, sleep-related problems but they didn't feel like that at the time.

Whatever support you need we are here for you.

Dizzy, have they gone to sleep ok for you? for you re. crazy shift messers.

evening all - was at a meeting re the cafe and have the parent council tomorrow night and a trust meeting on Thurs as well as my first 10hr shift on Thurs during the day so forgive me if I'm a tad absent.

DH away to work (thanks for all lovely sympathies) so I'm off to bed before another long day tomorrow!!

Thanks for the comments on pending dentist visit I think I will postpone.

DS slept loads yesterday. I went to work late after taking him to the doctors and he was asleep before I left (about 9.30) and had only been awake about an hour when I got home at 1pm. He then went back to sleep at 3pm and woke at 4pm then went to sleep at 6.30pm and woke up at 6am. He must have really needed it though bless him. He's much brighter today and his temperature has gone. He's one snotty boy though!

I know he's not very well at the moment but he really is incredibly clingy. I am getting to the point where I don't know what to do about it. He becomes completely inconsolable if I leave the room and even sometimes if I'm not in physical contact with him. Is it my fault that he's like this - can't help worrying that it's because of the pnd. Anyone have any advice? It's making DH feel a little unloved and me feel a bit overwhelmed as I need my own space at least for a little while to go to the toilet. I always tell him when I'm going to leave and that I'll be coming back

VG if he's chucking hard things or things that aren't supposed to be thrown can you try giving him a ball/beanbag that he can throw instead so that eventually he realises that it is ok to throw some things but others are definitely not for throwing? DS not really chucking things (only when they don't do what he wants them to do - puzzles/shapes that won't fit) but this has worked for a friend of mine. Basically she made loads of little beanbags and just gave them to her DS and said you can throw this but not the remote/phone/toy car etc ad infinitum!

Singapore, my dd1 was like that. She wouldn't let me go anywhere. I even took her to the pediatrician because I needed help. Of course that wasn't any help and we switched pediatricians afterwards. She was just one of those kids that takes a while to separate. She's better now that she's almost 6 but if there's going to be time apart she has to be prepared for it. Preschool was a HUGE challenge but she did well. She started there at 2.5yrs. The thing I had to learn was the tears are really only short lived if you completely remove yourself. If you return (having only hidden for a while to see if they passed) then that teaches them to cry longer and harder. Geez sorry that was wordy.

For all those GLEE fans. My cousins went to school with Jayma Mays (plays Emma Pillsbury). VG she's from Grundy. I've never met her but my relatives all think she is the sweetest thing.

night

Thanks TS glad to know it's not just me. I know he's fine once I go to work for example it's just trying to leave the house! He's supposed to be starting nursery 2 mornings a week once he's 18 months (so only next month)! He and I have been attending the afternoon parent and child programme there since the beginning of November so at least he's used to the environment and staff but I'm really worried about him being there on his own. I know this is generally supposed to be worse for the parent than the child but still he's so clingy that I'm not sure how he'll cope.

Morning all , it's me on my laptop again Nice early start (6am) thanks to O.

sazz how's your weather this morning?

cyteen I can safely say that ds1 is no longer fascinated with the bog but he did once, whilst in the charge of dh, munch on the toilet freshener that hangs over the side of the bowl . I was tempted to report myself to social services . No harm done, apparently

O is crawling over =]0p;/'my lapo

Morning all

Still still snowing here 13 hours later!!we have a good few inches but I'm not going out to find out how much.

Does anyone elses's LO not like puzzles? DD thinks her puzzles pieces are for putting in her toy oven and cooking. Maybe I should be doing more puzzling with her. We discovered yesterday that hse loes drawing so I have bought crayons and paper for the plane along with sticker books (thanks for that time Singapore)

Cece - nice to see you

Red - I hope you have a peaceful day with just 2.

mornind oops, cece..

its been snowing in b'ham too oops but just enough fo it too annoying come nursery and cm time... guessing dd2 won't be at the cm today!

o that note does anyone find that when the have their dcs themselves they day (sometimes) goes quite smoothly but when they have been to cm/nursery they turn into complete monsters when they get home? i had dd2 home all last week and she was a dream tho didn't sleep well.. went to cm yesterday for 4 hours and came home like a she devil!! clingy, whingy.. not impressed with her tea etc... makes me wonder if its worth it???

oops DS has only just got into puzzles, and only the sort with pieces you lift in and out, not pieces that fit together (those are only fit for throwing). They go through ups and downs with different things, I find - at the moment he is just a wild man, charging around the house from morning till night, so the idea of sitting him down for some painting etc. is a total bust, but at other times he will happily do sitting-down stuff.

springapore whatever the cause of DS's clinginess, it's not you so please don't feel guilty about it. Illness really does make a difference, J is like a little limpet whenever he's feeling rubbish.

TS wow, Jayma Mays eh? DP will be jealous. In fact I'm a bit jealous, she's stunning.

Just a light dusting of snow here so DP has taken the wild man off to nursery for the day...I have a dentist's appt at lunchtime so am working from bed home Might go and make another cup of tea...I was awake at 5am listening to DS talking to himself in his room, bless

Morning everyone.

Did I hear a meet up plan?

vg cyteen Both my dcs throw food,plate,cutlery(sp?) etc.. so as soon as they do I stop feeding, as I also believe it means they have had enough. dd sometimes does it when plate empty. Very irritatig though.
cyteen ds went through a stage of toilet fondness.
He used to swish his hands in it or drop anything down it.
I have to make sure the door is closed all the time.

DD canbe is a fussy eater, and I never ever would have thought I would have one.
I have made the mistake of making a big deal over it.(when I know you shouldn't)
Dh bribes which drives me insane. eg 'you can't have any ice cream/yoghurt/fruit if you do not finish your tea'

I have started ignoring. I say eat what you can and when she starts messing, I remove her from the table and tell her to go away and play or whatever while we eat our tea.

She soon comes back and eats something.

vg both mine also throw things and like slingaporssling mentiones I give them something they can throw, like a soft ball.
It does work, as I just repeat myself otherwise. Like 'no,don't throw that'
'no be careful' which y turns into 'NO STOP THROWING'

I also try to encourage rolling an object. so if they start to throw things high in the air, I get down on the floor with them and encourage to roll ball to each other, and say.
Inside we roll,outside we throw. (obviously ds too young to understand this,more for dd benifit)
vg I have to say it is a relief to hear someone else say they use food to pasify.

I am very very guilty of this. I have already been told it is damaging and wrong and can cause food associated issues and problems when older. Confusing emotions etc..

sazzles that is amazing re snacks as like poppy said my dds eat constantly. I have to ensure most all snacks are healthy as they eat so much.

All these ideas about rolling/having specific objects to throw are great, thanks everyone Definitely going to try and do this more.

no1 DS is always on the scrounge, I think he would eat all day if we let him. Currently he is obsessed with tangerines - at least 10 times a day he'll go to the fruit bowl and do the whole hand-out-'AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!' routine. I try and limit him to two a day but give in more often than I would like. Yesterday I changed a poo that was almost 100% tangerine [vom]

ANOTHER LONG ONE BUT I NEED TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST SORRY
I find it helps me to hear other peoples views and stratergies for dealing with certain behavoiur.

sling I meant to say that ds is very very very clingy.
If I leave the room, go to the toilet. dh syas he will cry and stand at door when/if I go anywhere, for up to half an hour. Then he is fine. When I return he cries like he is heartbroken until I have took my coat,shoes off and picked him up. It is very tiring though so I know what you are going through.

red you have probably hit the nail on the head what you said.
Most of our arguments bickerings come down to dcs ds.

He constantly gets irate with him, I constantly defend him.

We are both constantly tired. Snappy with each other. Don't agree on how to deal with certain behaviour eg sleep patterns and meal times.
All very draining and you just get to the point of thinking why bother. It would be easier to be on my own without his nagging/grumpiness and need to live in a show house.

Then nasty comments are thrown to one another, which I know are to just hurt each other, but then once they are said they stick with me. One big one recently being.
If we divorced I wouldn't get the children, as apparemtly I have nothing to sustain them, no income and would have nowhere to live,so he said it goes without saying they would live with him and he would get a nanny.
[distaught emoticon]

All this adds to the fact that I think he still (although wouldnt say it directly) doesn't see me as an equal in this relationship.
I earn shag all, find it all very frustrating.
I know I am looking after and rasing dcs and that is work isn't it?

He had a few beers when all this came out,and we were trying to hurt each other. Did I provoke it by saying 'what would happen to dcs if we split up'
maybe it was my fault.
Am I a doormat?
Is he controling?
Perhaps I have been selfish buying the pony when he was so against it (especially on a shoestring budget)
My family say he is being unreasonable and ridiculous about it, as he can afford it. My mum in particular told me not to back out of the sale (as I had changed my min) as it would be another sign of him controling what I can and can't do or have.[sigh]

The pony is up for sale....
He had 3 days off over xmas. XMAS day,boxing day and one after that. Spent all three days tanked up with booze.
Had a row xmas morning. As I went to see to pony (which he was ok with) but had to call at mums to take gifts and pick up. I was longer than anticipated as could harldy just take gifts and run.iykwim.
Was already on defence driving home feeling guilty about being gone 2 hours when i would have only been about 40 min. he went out with fil for few beers and to fetch him back for dinner. Dh said he was gonna drive, but he didnt.
Refused to come to my mums on boxing day for dinner, so I went on my ow with kids.
he stayed at home drinking watching sport.
He went out sunday and stayed out all day cam ehome drunk....

Perhaps everything will be much clearer when we get dds sleep issues sorted and have some sleep ourself or not..

Would love to hear what you all think. I suppose I ought to display some of his good points.

Very good provider. I know everything he does and works for is for us as a family, and that everything is to make a better future for us all.
He says he will buy the pony, the landand everything it needs when he says we have the spare cash and when dd is old enough.
He has a decent paid job,we have no debt. Just a morgage. If we wnat something and he has the money we get it, if we don't we save till we do.
My family call me a WAG as they say I have/get everything.(which is bollox) Ok so if I mention something,he does tend to get it for me.
Despite all this material things are not that important to me.

I should add that when we first got together he drank alot and was awful. Vile things he would say to me, and we split up several times.
He had a rough childhood. Dad beating him and his brother up if things were out of place inn house etc...
Think that is why his mum left them. She abandoned him and said she no longer wanted him in her life.
She died when he was about 22.

His drinking behaviour got much better and he stopped saying nasty things when we were more established in the relationship.
Think he also had insecurities about my sexuality. He had also just recently come out of a marraige where she had an affair. (in fact he came home to a bloke coming down his stairs) Other issues due to football and drink that I better not say on here.

His defence now to his drinking is he never goes out and if he does it is on a sunday lunchtime with his dad.

I say ok, I am fine with that, but never ever ever come home drunk when the dcs are awake.
I find it unacceptable for him to go out 12-4 and come home tipsy. Although he is happy and fun with dcs, he is too giddy, and too rough and I hate it.
Would much rather he went out later and came home later when they are in bed.

Top and bottom of it is that I belive who said marraige was meant to be easy.
Through thick and thin and all that....

Also I always said I would never stay in a relationship for the sake of children (as I know what that is like) but now over fear of losing them I think I would.

Or I could be saying that as I am not at the stage where I want to end it really anyway. So if it did get to that, then I would find the strength to do it.

no1 I don't really feel qualified to comment on relationships as a whole, cos you never really know what's going on between two people and there are always more issues to consider than just the visible ones etc etc BUT what I can say without hesitation is that you are a fantastic mother and if you ever did split up with your H there is no doubt at all that you would get the children. From what I read on here, men seem to know that the shortest route to wounding their partner is to play the 'you wouldn't get the kids' card - it goes right to the heart of who we are, where we are most vulnerable. When they want to hurt, it's a sure thing.

But it's an empty threat. There is no way it would ever happen, if indeed it ever came to that - whether or not your H is being a nob, from what you say he really loves the kids and I think that in a splitting-up situation his thoughts would be very different. Especially as he struggles to take them on his own for more than a couple of hours

This is only my opinion, but it sounds like he has quite different priorities in life to you and maybe this is what makes him feel that you are not equals in the relationship. Do you think he also feels pressure to be the breadwinner? I know my DP gets stressed about his role as provider - it's quite a primal thing for guys sometimes.

FWIW I would be majorly pissed off too about the Christmas thing.

Hugs to you xxx Hopefully we can cheer you up at the next MEET UP

Aha, just read your other posts. He sounds like a guy with a lot of insecurities. Understandable ones, but not ones he's learned to manage. This is his problem, although unfortunately it does impact on you (and the LOs). Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour.

I can see why the drinking is an issue. It can be scary for small people to be around big drunk people. I remember my dad coming home one night and being all madly cheery, ruffling my hair etc., then after I went to bed I crept out again and saw him crying on my mum's shoulder. It really freaked me out, he seemed so different and unpredictable.

Hi slowly catching up - but started at the end rather than the beginning.

No1 I am so sorry that there is so much stress and worry in your life at the moment.
I think Cy is right when she says that men know how to hurt and know that they are being cruel when they talk about taking children away from mothers. What might be useful to counter this, even if it is just something you do and keep private, is to find out what you are entitled to should life make the turn that means you and DH seperate.

I know when things went that way for me that as soon as I found out what benefits, rights etc were I felt much more able to deal with some of the other things around me. Simply because I knew that that element would be okay, we would be housed and we wouldn't starve.

So should he start talking like that again you can think to yourself "actually no, this is what would happen and how it would be and I would be okay" And that thought can bolster you.

Obv talking very much from what has helped me.

I hope you have a good day today.

Right DD not napping she decided 5.45 was the time to wake today [yawn] So maybe time to mooch around the shops for a bit before baby group.

morning all.... i'm sure i've told you before that you're not allowed to chatter so much on mondays and tuesdays!!! it takes too long for me to catch up!

hmm, i may have to abandon typing a message at the moment... the words i'm typing are appearing 10 seconds after i've pressed the keys so i'm typing completely blind!

cyteen thanks so much for your response. I apologise again for my long psts this am.

I agree re his threat with dcs. I think he was trying to hurt me,but deep down I know he wouldn't let them go without a fight, and rightly so, as I would be the same. I would hate him to be a weekend dad as much as I would hate to be a weekend mum.
You are right in the fact that he can't cope with them for more than a few hours though and he openly admits this.

Re work. I would happily get a job if we needed the income, but we don't. We always said before having dcs that I would stay at home with them. I can confidently say that he is ok with this. We have discussed it though, but what I would earn would not cover chilcare costs anyway.
I think we he does get frustrated that we can't get out once in a while, but I keep saying that is life, we chose to have dcs, and that is just how it is.

He needs to make more effort to do stuff as a family.

He has a five week shift pattern and only works 18 days in these 5 weeks.Lots of time to do things together, but we never do.

I think that is also frustraing to me, as bring with dcs everyday, I know how important it is to get out for my own sanity. (not just things that cost either) we could take them for a walk to the park.

It works out that when he is off he catches up with chores. Window cleaning, car cleaning, house tidy etc... so I end up taking dcs out on my own ALL THE TIME so he can get stuff done.

I suppose an answer to that could be. I make more effort on the domestic side so these things are already done when he is off, then he has no choice but to do stuff with us. However what I do is never good enough or up to his standard, he actually likes being busy and doing it,so why should I waste my time and energy (that I dont have enough of anyway)
I know he works shifts so, when any family event crops up, odds are he is working, so I always end up doing stuff with dcs on my own, but it feels like we are alwasy on our own. Or we go out seperatly to shops etc.. because it is easier and quicker.

He did say his new years resolution was to do more with the kids outside the house, so fair play to him as he is obviously aware of it.

he has never taken them both out together yet, and dd is almost 3yr

I know he has issues, eg a clean neat tidy freak and I shouldn't knock him for that, but I find it very hard to live with and wonder how dcs will pick up on it. When he is at work I let them have any toys out they want.