May 09 - weather and jabs = hot cross babies

[Momino]

hope i'm not duplicating

DS1 slept on me pretty much until he got to around 13 months when we started putting him to bed awake. It corresponded with him going into a "big bed" and apart from a few hiccups along the way, he goes to bed without a fuss. It's the horrendously early waking that is his (and our) problem.

Morning all

Just come on to wave at everyone, I will post periodically on holiday, I think I will probably need to vent (4 weeks with DH and kids).

I hope everyone is ok and all babies have slept and are smiling and gurgling.

A bientot!!

MsG - Only recently have we regularly put S down awake (he's 10 weeks), and we can only do that because he has a dummy which stops him crying. But sometimes he wants to be held or fed to sleep so we do that too.

Well S had his longest sleep ever last night, from 7pm to 2.40am . Still not sure whether to dreamfeed or not. The previous night he woke at 11.10pm so i fed him and then he slept til 4.30am. So he's finally stretching out his feeds.

morning ladies..

TMI warning..

DH is a PITA altho probably with good reason. He hardly spoke to me all night and didn't want to eat what I cooked for dinner then proceeded to drink 2 bottles of westons (8.4%) and a bottle of red. I went up to bed at 10.30 thinking he was following me up, needless to say he came up at 11.30 waking me up then moaned at me that I didn't pay him enough attention since M came along (sex in other words). I asked if we could talk about it tommorrow when I didn't have to worry about getting enough sleep/waking M, in other words when he sobered up, and he got annoyed with me. he went to sleep snoring loudly due to the alcohol but then woke me up loudly at 2am to put the light on cos he couldn't find the stairs and needed the loo!

Luckily M didn't wake and slept till she woke for a feed at 4.30.

Am I being really unreasonable? I know I haven't been that forthcoming in that department (sex only twice and a few helpful hands as it were) but my cs infection took a while to clear up and I found relations really painful
promised DH I would improve but I really don't feel very attractive anymore and to be honest his drinking is a right turn off!

Sorry me, me me just had to get it off my chest!

any advice/opinions welcomed

good or bad.

Just about to go out for lunch but just saw your post Looby and YAdefNBU!

We've still not resumed relations which I feel v bad about and I think DH is trying not to demand so instead keeps asking for BJs which isn't really encouraging tbh!

I'm sure for all of us, things will settle down again eventually. Somehow we need to find a way of talking about it and - yes - if anyone's got any suggestions, I'll have them!

Looby I'm so sorry your DH is being a tit. I think you need to talk about it when he hasn't had a drink. Tell him that if he wants more sex the best way to get into your good books (and pants) is to help you out with M, be a good dad, give you lots of compliments with out expecting sex in return and lay off the booze. Men are such fools. My DH has been like a dog on heat for the past month but instead of understanding that I feel like a fat, frumpy, feeding machine who needs a lot of warming up to feel like any sex. His idea of foreplay is to press his hard on into my leg, back, or wherever he can.

BFing really affects your libido, not to mention the disturbed sleeps for the past 2-3 months.

We have resumed regular relations and it does get better and feel less weird and uncomfortable and I think it has been easier to get back into it this time round as the shock hasn't been so great as we have been through it before. Having a child is so life changing and it will chnage your relationship but you need to tell him how you are feeling especially about the drinking (my DH is a drinker to so I understand).

I hope you are ok and not letting it get to you too much.

Looby I totally agree with Ses and Febes. He is being a tit. My DH was like this when I had DD1 and DD2. G is 13 weeks old and we haven't resumed relations . Well, there was a very quick quickie on on anniversary, but G started to cry at an awkward time !

My advice would be (and I need to take my own advice here....) think about how you could make yourself feel better about yourself e.g. wear nice clothes / make up, cook a lovely dinner and talk to each other, and try to avoid talking about M if you can help it.

Hi All,

Nice to hear from you MsG glad you are enjoying being a Mum. I am another one who can't put lo down to sleep. Its got better since we have taken her into our bed as at least we are all 'resting' if not sleeping soundly. Altho...

It does mean that we haven't resumed relations yet. Although at 7 weeks I have only just started to feel normal down below! I would be willing I think if we ever got a moment to ourselves!

Loobs Sorry your dp is being twunt. I think you have had a lot to put up with since M arrived and it is bound to have an effect on your libido as well as the hormones from bf affecting it too. I think Febes has some v good advice above.

Have a good hol grump

Have just packed to go to Wales tonight. We seem to be taking everything bar the kitchen sink I'm dreading packing for a weeks hol next month!

Had a good morning tho, made it to a different mum and baby group despite a humungous poo from A just as I zipped her into the buggy... don't know how but it managed to soak all of her clothes and go right up her back without getting on the fleecy buggy liner, am so proud of my dd's precision pooing ability Was a nice morning though, I walked around there with my next door neighbour who has a 10month old and she introduced me to some of the other mums so I felt a bit more part of the group. Hopefully it will mean I get to know a few people around here soon.

Right must go, got a heavily pg friend and her 3yo coming over for a cuppa this afternoon. Must find our jointly purchased tens machine to hand over to her in readiness.

Might not get on over the weekend, if not, have a good one all x x

Was also going to just read and post later, but wanted to say hi to Looby and sorry to hear that things aren't great with your dh. Febes is right that a new baby is a huge change in life for both of you, and I know that it took me ages after having dd to realise that my dh was finding the adjustment really difficult as well, even though he didn't have to recover from labour, breastfeed, be up all night and look after a small baby all day every day, etc etc! For his own 'new dad reasons' it was a hard time for him too, even though we were both happy about dd.

So I suppose I would say, when you talk to him about it, it might help to present it as a joint problem of adapting to life as parents, rather than you having a problem caused by his behaviour. For us, learning to take this approach was the turning point at which we started to recognise ourselves as a couple again after having dd. I guess that way of looking at things might not be such a big deal for your dh, but I wanted to mention it as it took months for me to think of things that way and it was a really big help. And yes, definitely talk to him when he's not had a drink (mine has this 'coping mechanism' too, isn't it great...)

But YAdefinitelyNBU about feeling 'pestered' into relations sooner than you are ready. Childbirth and especially a cs is a huge thing and he does need to understand that. I have been very lucky to have straightforward deliveries both times - but it still took us about 4 months to get round to it last time, and looks like it'll be similar (or worse!) this time. I'm afraid your dh needs to accept that it's perfectly normal for this to take a while. But I think it actually is difficult for men to understand what a huge upheaval the whole thing is for women - sometimes they're just sincerely not getting it, rather than being w*nkers. For example I was astonished after having dd (and again now, to a lesser extent) by how emotionally the hormones caused me to react to EVERYTHING, and of course dh found that difficult too - but he also really had no idea that it was a normal consequence of childbearing, he just thought I'd turned into an irrantional ranting beast . It's not easy!

Anyway, I hope you can work things out with him and feel a bit better soon .

Looby definitely NBU. Your DH behaved like an arse. We've only done the deed twice since H was born. As the others have said, bf-ing and sleep deprivation do absolutely nothing for our libidos, never mind lecherous drunks (even if they are our DHs)!

It can be a bit of a vicious circle when one doesn't feel in the mood, then feels under pressure, which puts one even less in the mood, then more pressure etc.

To be fair to your (and my!) DH, it's only natural for him to want sex and expect that regular relations will be resumed at some point. Could you give him some hints - no, tell him straight - that getting horrendously drunk is not exactly making him attractive in your eyes. Being kind, complimentary, helpful, etc will help. Tummum is right, too, you need to feel good about yourself too.

Ooops H screaming, better go!

By the way Looby I'm not sure what it says about me/my relationship with dh, but what initally outraged me most about your post was when he woke you up trying to get to the toilet at 2am. I could handle the thought of being repeatedly pestered by a drunk dh but FGS DON'T WAKE ME UP WHEN THE BABY IS SLEEPING !!

thanks for the advice/reassurance tummum febes

just feel really low at the moment, doesn't help that M never sleeps during the day - would just love an hour to myself to have a long shower, shave legs, spend some time on anything but trying to keep the house tidy and clean

don't think DH will ever stop drinking - when we met he used to blame it on missing his daughter and to be honest I used to like a drink too so let it be . but now I hardly ever drink and don't particularly miss the hangovers, rows, etc.

I'm due to go out with friends next sat and I'm not sure I'm gonna go - it's a horrible thing to say but I know DH will be sat at home with her drinking and I'm not sure I trust his judgement after one too many . He always says "I'm not drunk!" but last night he couldn't even find the staircase in our bedroom till I put the main light on! and he managed to fall up the stairs on the way back up.
We live in a victorian semi with steep stairs (2 flights to our bedroom) I am always so careful when carrying M up to bed

lol euromum thats the bit made me really angry too!

Yes also agree with Tum its hard to feel sexy when sometimes I don't even have time for a shower let alone putting make up on... and don't even get me started on the sexiness of bf bras.

Loobs hope you get some progress with a talk xx

thanks spangle euromum

will try taking some of your advice. Needless to say I am more tired today and therefore more short tempered
having been woken at 11.30 and 2am by DH (would have had 6hrs unbroken sleep otherwise like M)

also thanks running ses

gonna try and tidy up the |dumping ground dining room so we can sit down and talk over dinner

just as soon as I've watched neighbours...

Oh Loobs just seen your last post. I can understand why you are feeling low as you are worrying about him as well as being the full time carer of M. Can you as part of your talk express your concerns and ask him not to drink if he is in sole charge of M? If he can't promise that, do you have anyone else who can babysit even if it means that you only go for an hour?

I have to be really careful when posting on alcohol issues as I think my DH's experience has skewed my view on problems with alcohol. What I have learned over the last few years is that the stereotypical image of an alcoholic is often far from the truth. No one would ever, ever guess that my DH is an alcoholic. Even when he was drinking, it wasn't immediately obvious. Hell, even I didn't suspect.

What I have come to learn about drinking is that when a person's drinking is causing relationship problems, or there is a fear of leaving that person with a child, then it is likely or probable that there are dependency issues. It's kind of like alcohol becomes a problem when it causes other problems, IYSWIM.

I'm not saying for a moment that your DH is an alcoholic Loobey as only he can really admit that, but alarm bells rang when I read your post. My DH's problems came to the fore after the birth of our first child and he has now been sober for nearly 3 years. I could have posted (actually did but under another name) what you did but 3 years ago.

As I said, I'm often reluctant to post about alcohol in case I see problems where there aren't, and if there isn't a problem I apologise. But if there are issues then you would be wise to seek outside help from Al-anon for yourself as alcohol dependency is tough on families.

Ignore my post if it isn't relevant, sorry if I've jumped to conclusions.

just bought myself a new bf top off ebay to cheer myself up

llare thanks. I've been worried about DH drinking for a while .

thought when we got married he would stop drinking every day, then when I got pg he said he'd stop, then thought when M arrived it would stop - but no.

the only person I've said all this to is an aunt I am close to, she agreed that it sounded like he had a problem when I told her he got thro over a bottle of red every night and couldn't remember a night when he hadn't had a drink.

Oh Looby, I am sorry. If you ever want to talk about it off-board I'm happy to. I've been through it all over the last few years and you need to remember that it is a disease. He isn't doing it to spite you or make you angry, he genuinely can't help it.

We were lucky in that DH admitted to himself he had a problem and sought help from the AA and it has changed his life. There is a meeting every day and if you DH is willing to give it a go he'll get all the help he needs from there. If he won't then please get help yourself from Al-anon.

Seriously, if you ever want to talk let me know. There is also a thread on here somewhere for the partners of addicts, which is a great source of support. x

thanks llare I appreciate it. Unfortunatley DH does not think he has a problem

Looby- sorry you are having a difficult time with DH. I think you need a chat about his drinking and your relationship/feelings, before he starts drinking.

And YANBU about not wanting to oblige last night. We haven't resumed relations yet and my DH keeps suggesting how it will make me feel better as though he is doing me a favour but i really don't have any urges at the moment.

You need to help him see that he has a problem. The amount of alcohol consumed isn't helpful in diagnosing a problem with alcohol. He has a problem with alcohol because it is having a knock-on affect on his life with his family. You need to point out all of the problems his excessive drinking is causing and tell him his drinking is the cause. The ball is then in his court and it is up to you how much of a chance you give him.

I really, really feel for you. Try not to excuse his drinking or cover up the problems. It really is in his interest to face up to it. You can't help him by enabling him.