I can't let my husband see me naked anymore

[wingingit33]

I'm 5 weeks post section (yes, ok, only five weeks, but this is really bothering me). I gained 30lbs in pregnancy and I've lost 22 so far but my body shape has changed beyond measure. I've gone from being a skinny size 8 to a 12 if I'm lucky. My stomach is an air bed, I've got huge love handles, chafing thighs and spaniels ears for breasts (formula feeding). On top of that my eyebrows and lashes are falling out and I look horrendous. I don't ever want to be naked in front of my husband anymore. Even if I lose the weight my shape will never be the same again. I've had two kids before and didn't have these issues. I just went back to me. Not this time. The section overhang is hideous. Again, never had that before. I live in maternity clothes still, and full length pyjamas at night. My husband tries to cuddle me and I recoil. How am I ever suppose to have a physical relationship when I hate my appearance so much? I can't explain how depressed this is making me.

My husband loves me and knows that a) bodies change as we age and get older and life affects us and b) growing and birthing a baby is a huge, huge deal for our bodies and if we look the same then whoop but mostly we don't. Society is so screwed up to think that we shouldn't. I got more stretch marks with the pregnancy that ended in loss than my other two and whilst I don't run around showing them off I am quietly glad they are there. My body carries the evidence of my history all of it sad and happy and I don't want to change that. You are still in such early days as well. I am not saying you should convert and love your body but try to be more neutral about it. And if your husband can't be on board then he's an idiot.

Plus sleep deprivation messes big time with us. You are exhausted and looking after your family. Your body is maybe just your channel for some of that negative emotion just now but it will get easier.

I think this isn't talked about enough. Many people think once you've lost the weight that you've got your 'pre baby body' back, and for most women it's simply not true. If it helps I've looked awful since having dc 1, so you've done well to get to dc3 and still look great. You are in the very early days though, so be kind to yourself.

My body shape is very defining for me. Now it's gone and I don't feel like me anymore. Suppose to be going abroad in the summer and there's just no way I'll be able to wear swimwear. My husband doesn't care how I look but if the old self-love has gone how can I expect him to be attracted to me? I'm so down about it I've made an appointment with a physio to help hopefully with my stomach.

Please don't despair OP. You are only five weeks post-partum and as you know very well there are still a huge number of changes to come in terms of getting back to looking and feeling like yourself again.

The hair loss, etc, is definitely temporary (though no less horrifying at the time), plus you'll still be carrying a lot of fluid from your pregnancy, which will be responsible for the additional lumps and bumps you are seeing. If you are normally a slim size 8 and you're eating as normal you will almost certainly get back to that, albeit your shape may be slightly different after three pregnancies. Sleep deprivation will also be making everything seem worse. So be kind to yourself and know that a year from now you'll look very different from how you do now.

The overhang does gradually reduce down, I’d say you’re still very much in the “deflating” stage right now and combining that with being knackered and still recovering from birth I think it’s completely normal to not be feeling your best self.

Could you say to DH how you’re feeling and perhaps say you’d like to take sex completely off the table for now but try and work on being able to have a cuddle and a kiss. That intimacy is so important not to lose and for me it really helped me to start feeling better about myself (completely incontinent for weeks after a forceps delivery with episiotomy). It took me 12 weeks to even feel in the right headspace for sex, never mind physically recovered enough. I would also say be kinder to yourself, your body has made 3 babies which is such an incredible feat it sounds silly but when I’ve struggled with the way I look I try and find something nice to think to myself every day - great makeup, rocking those leggings, hair looks good today. It helps reframe your thinking rather than everything being negative.

@wingingit33 I have 3 children and am currently pregnant again. I have gone through the same thoughts after each of my children’s births and I suspect the overwhelming vast majority of women do.

Please, please be very, very kind to yourself. Your body will probably be slightly different to how it was before, but not entirely. Things will go back to normal, but you will need to give yourself time.

I know it can feel very frustrating and upsetting but I promise you, your body is strong and capable and normality will resume, just not immediately.

Seeing a physio is an excellent idea. Then you can start considering some gentle exercises if they say it’s ok.

I live in maternity clothes still,

^ it's been five weeks. Your expectations are so unrealistically high maybe because you were lucky to "bounce back" before. This time it's going to take time and hard work (emotionally and with some physio) to learn to be OK with yourself and accept the changes that are permanent. You'll get there! At such an early stage it's impossible to know how your shape will be going forward. Focus on your baby, not your holiday woes.

Rationally I know all your responses are right. Thank you. Irrationally I'm screaming at myself and I'm unable to articulate just how much this is upsetting me.

Everything lucky said. Imagine you were talking to a good friend who said what you'd said. You wouldn't be telling her to hit the gym and get her lashes done, you'd tell her to sit somewhere comfortable, rest, have some tea and cuddle her new baby.

It could be the start of PND? Might be worth raising with the GP at your 6 week check.

I don't think so @AdamRyan I've always been quite obsessive about my weight. Always weighed myself daily. But with that I was in control of my shape. Now I'm totally out of control with it!

It's only been 5 weeks. Go easy on yourself.

I feel very similar - I'm 7wks post section and feel my stomach is getting worse by the week. I'm sure it's getting saggier and looser - plus my belly button has sunk inwards.
I've had 2 kids in less than 2yrs and I'm much bigger than the OP (size 18) but I honestly don't know how my DP manages to even look at me. He's slim and only around 9st yet I'm a huge disgusting monster at the side of him (he doesn't care how big I am - says he doesn't notice).
My period is back too so I'm bloated and bleeding uncontrollably and just feel like a disgusting mess. I'm nowhere close to being able to fit in normal clothes and even my maternity stuff is tight on me.

A few years ago I had an amazing figure and looking back on how I looked then makes me feel 1000 times worse.

I'm dreading the first period. How is it? @PissedOffNeighbour22

@wingingit33 It's worse than expected. Really heavy bleeding and very painful.
After my first birth it was months before my periods came back (only attempted breast feeding for a few weeks with each child) so I was surprised it was back so early this time.

OP, you will definitely be able to wear swimwear on holiday this summer. It’s going to happen. You will not miss out on swimming or beach trips just because your body shape has changed. You might own bikinis that you won’t feel comfortable in ever again, it happens to lots of us, but that in no way means you can’t find a new swimsuit or a bikini that makes you feel good. Wait until everything’s healed after your section then try on a load of different styles - a swimsuit with wired cups and a print you love is a good place to start when you feel self conscious about your boobs and tummy. If you prefer a two piece try on all the different styles of bottoms in a couple of different sizes until you find something that works for you.

I’m currently carrying about 5kg more than the top of my pre-baby normal weight range. My work trousers looked rubbish. So I bought some new ones a size bigger in a different style and they look great!

This principle works for pyjamas too. When you’re feeling ready, treat yourself to some underwear or nightwear that you’re happy to seduce your husband in.

5 weeks is so early. Things will settle more. You will find clothes and underwear that make you feel good again and your confidence will improve, even naked or in swimwear or underwear.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 I started at 6w pp last time so expecting the same. Terrified of the level of blood already

You need to speak to a doctor lovely , this isn’t good for you. Weighing yourself daily to control your weight and shape isn’t normal and you need some help. You’ve had 3 beautiful kids your body will never look like someone who hasn’t had kids and sadly you need to accept it. Please go and speak to a doctor over therapy I think you need some.

I feel your pain @wingingit33 - I’m just about 4 months pp and still in mat clothes. I was also size 8 in the before times. It’s my first and I’m hoping there’s some truth that it can take at least 9 months to drop off. But my shape has also changed - my hips seem to be wider, not necessarily just fatter. I have a skirted one piece maternity swimsuit I wear for baby swim classes, which I don’t feel too awful in.

@Flangeosaurus apologies to go off topic but how long did it take you to recover from the forceps? I had horrific delivery with forceps, episiotomy and tear. Fortunately incontinence is now only very minor (though still bothers me) but I frequently feel like my insides are falling out when walking. I can’t imagine ever running again.

6 children, last one a section. I would say it seemed a much more gradual return to pre pregnancy after the section, maybe about a year as opposed to a few months. Yes to the wider hips thing too but again gradually back to smaller (I think hormones make them wider in pregnancy to help with getting baby out). I had the spaniels ears too once I stopped breastfeeding but filled up again over a year or so. Once your body has recovered enough, weights and core exercises will speed up the process but it’s far too early yet. A collagen supplement might also be helpful.

@Dinosaurus86 my baby is 18 weeks now and I would say I’m pretty much there, occasional leaking pee and I absolutely cannot wait to go to the toilet, the minute I feel the need I need to go right there and then or it’s a disaster. I am running though, I downloaded the Squeezy app and made myself do the pelvic floor exercises absolutely religiously for a month and that helped a lot. Holy fuck though the recovery from my EMCS was about a million times easier than this one. Never felt anything as painful in my life!

Thanks @Flangeosaurus - our babies are almost the same age. Sounds like we’re at a similar stage too. I thought I was being pretty good with pelvic floors but will try harder! I notice if I put less effort into them even for a day.

You sound gorgeous to me!

Hi all I'm 14 weeks postpartum now. Had my first period last week and I think that's helped with weight loss. I'm now about 2.5lb off pre pregnancy weight but want to lose an additional 2.5lb after that. I'm in size 10 jeans for now. 8s are nowhere near closing! I'm still obsessive about weight but self referred for support in managing it. Still can't bring myself to let my husband see me naked. Still in full pyjamas at night. Still won't let him touch me. I've told him how I feel and he's promised me he won't try but I feel bad. Basically trapped in my own mind and body. I've put this here because I feel women should talk about this side of things more.