August 2021 - They've been here for half a year

[BertieBotts]

Can you believe it! Our lovely little ones are (roughly) halfway to their first birthdays.

Welcome friends old and new for discussion of sleep, teeth, weaning, milestones, navigating post-baby relationships and the whole existential dread of parenthood... I mean those amazing moments when they make your heart melt. Or produce a poo that makes the wallpaper melt. Oh, all of them. Nothing is off limits because it's just good to know that somebody else has been there.

@Inmypjsagain 2 year gap!! A year, ahh no way 😂🙈

@Inmypjsagain thank you lovely! I hate to say it but I'm finding this pregnancy worse than last time - 24 weeks now and still getting some nausea, alongside heartburn and PGP, can't wait for it to be over! Glad not going back to work has been right for you!

Sleep wise, Rowan is usually not too bad now - we sleep trained (a version of Ferber which an NCT friend shared with me), and it was honestly the best thing we did. Our bedtime is pyjamas, teeth, stories, into sleeping bag, song, cot and white noise, and he's out like a light. It took months from going down beautifully to sleeping through, but I think that was partly as we were still BFing until about 16 months and I didn't actively night wean, I just let him do it himself (I think being pregnant is what prompted him giving up).

@BCxx exciting to hear about the gender!! We're having a surprise so I'm living vicariously through other people's gender reveals until number 2 makes an appearance 😂

I don't envy you teaching at all - I left a few years ago and don't miss it at all. I still work in schools and staff are just so stressed and overworked, and being pregnant must just magnify that. Fingers crossed your GP will sign you off long term so you don't need to go back.

There are so many viruses going around here, they are calling it a daycare crisis, because so many of the staff are getting constantly ill as well and a lot of the nurseries have to close early because they can't cover the full day. It seems slightly better since Christmas, that must have acted as a kind of firebreak. That' affecting the settling in too, as they need a 1:1 for each new child starting but they also have to have enough other staff to make up the ratios in the baby room. The other day while I was there one of the ladies went to change a baby's nappy and I counted and realised one teacher was supervising nine toddlers effectively by herself. Not good. They are lovely though and do really well.

@biscuitcat you don’t have too long to wait to find out! 😬 did you have a surprise last time? I can’t remember! If this does turn out to be a girl and we have one of each then if there ever is a third some way down the line I’ve said we’d have a surprise for the last one. Have you done much about getting stuff ready? There’s a lot of his stuff that is neutral I could definitely use. Now thinking maybe I should just get rid of the boy stuff though because if we ever had another it would be 5 years or something after he was born so am I really going to dig out the old clothes by then? 🙈 Might just keep a few things!

Glad you feel my pain with the teaching. I’ve just signed up to a counselling course, mainly so I can say I have tried but even if it made me feel better, I don’t want to go back there and just go back to that depth of panic/anxiety all the time. I just need to get to the end of May for early mat leave but it’s still quite a while to go 😩

@BCxx we did - though I was sure he was a boy so when they said so I wasn't at all surprised! We've really done very little - bought a double buggy in Black Friday as it was almost the same price as second hand and have started thinking about names. I had spreadsheets for everything last time 😂 and luckily we're quite disorganised so never even put away the sidecar cot from Rowan, it's been sitting in our bedroom for a year as a clothes horse! We've still got all the clothes, and would quite like a third, but probably with a similar age gap again, so we'll just hang onto everything I think.

Definitely worth trying counselling - I had actually started looking into it but then got onto the training course for my current job and having my defined end date was luckily enough to get me through (as well as counting down days, doing the bare minimum...). And hopefully if you go back late enough, they might ask you to do cover or something instead of having set classes? That can be a bit less intense

@BertieBotts that sounds like a nightmare re nursery! Our settling in seemed very brief, literally just two sessions of a couple of hours - and was probably too brief to be fair, it took him a good month to be happy being dropped off - but was much more manageable with work. He's also been poorly pretty much non stop since starting, I don't remember the last day I didn't wipe snot from something/someone 😂

@BCxx ah glad the mortgage is through! That’s so good with Etsy, it’s good as well with 2 babies you can be flexible with your hours by limiting stock with the potential to go full time in the future? Sorry work has been so stressful for you. It just seems to me everyone I know is really miserable in their work, we’re all just overworked and underpaid! Re sneak peek- that’s cool, I didn’t know how it worked! Ugh I do remember the nausea at 9 weeks was awful (but I had already started throwing up before I’d even missed my period! I was worried it was twins at that point 😂) As to whether we’ll have another, I really don’t know, I love the thought of it, but at the moment we have so much fun together and he’s so time consuming I don’t see how I could possibly have a baby now! And when the new baby is 18 months and trashing everything how would I manage the older child? Then it’s double the cost isn’t it… so in theory yes but let’s see. I’m nearly 36 so I guess we need to decide soon!

@biscuitcat oh no, I keep being told the second pregnancy is meant to be easier because your body remembers what it’s meant to do. I guess that doesn’t factor in having a toddler too! And the PGP/sciatica and heartburn is etched into my memory, I feel for you! But half way there and you know how great it is afterwards 🥰

@BertieBotts that’s dreadful with the bugs going round. Sounds like it sort of similar here, tbh it was one of the factors of me not going back to work, I really wasn’t keen on any of the local nurseries cos the ratios seem off. They call parents quite often too and I think that’s sometimes cos they can’t meet their ratios, it’s like a baby is more clingy so they won’t give calpol they’ll just call for collection (I’m getting this from friends and it sounds stressful!) I think there’s a really high turnover of staff locally too, the price is also painful, £105 a day!

May I ask for some advice from you ladies with babies of the same age?

DS (17 months) does a lot of throwing of stuff - usually food and his cups. He also does a fair amount of grabbing my hair and occasionally grabs the cat too, by her ears and tail. She’s incredibly patient and doesnt react, just takes herself away, but it’s not very nice and I very much don’t enjoy my hair being pulled, and he has a powerful throw too.

Any advice on how to stop this behaviour? I can tell him no but his response is usually just to laugh.

@Inmypjsagain you have an amazing memory. Yes, settled back in the UK now - it’s been 11 months now. It’s been a bloody hard year - this has been my own annus horribilis - but we’re feeling at home now, with Sol in a nursery he loves and a nice community around us including a lovely church.

With the new bab on the way, we need to get a bigger place. Not super looking forward to moving house especially as we’ll have to go out of the area or take a MASSIVE mortgage but it is a necessity!

But yes. England now feels like home again, just about.

@RandomCatGenerator no advice as we have the exact thing here. He’ll often fling his toys as well, I’ve been been hit in the head with a wooden shape sorter. Hair grabbing is so painful, he pinches too and whenever I say no, gentle, he just laughs like it’s hilarious. I’m going to keep on telling him no and be gentle, I try to disengage from play at the same time too. Not useful advice because it hasn’t worked! However he did the same with biting and he seems to understand that hurts now and doesn’t do it anymore, so I’m hoping it’s a phase they grow out of! If you find something that works let us know…!

Sorry didn’t comment on the new home, I am totally with you on moving or big mortgage, thinkyour west London ish too? Now I’m not working the idea of moving somewhere bigger seems impossible and I reallllllly don’t want to move out. Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough year- hope things are getting better for you!

@Inmypjsagain I just think I don't get on very well with being pregnant sadly! Partly self inflicted too - I had a bit of physio after Rowan as my hips were still being dodgy, especially after longer dog walks or gardening, did the exercises exactly once afterwards, and now haven't fixed it before getting pregnant again, oops! Counting down the weeks, and hopefully it'll at least be a week less than last time with a planned section 🤞

@RandomCatGenerator I wish I could help!! Sometimes telling Rowan 'gently' works, or moving his hands away from (e.g.) the dog's tail, but sadly I think it's a phase that he just needs to grow out of. For hair, would having something interesting around your neck to distract help? He's always super interested in my work lanyard.

Sorry to hear this year has been tough - but so lovely to hear you're settled and have a good community around you. I bet house prices going insane hasn't helped - but hopefully you'll work out which option is right for you with where to go and you'll still feel at home.

Luckily it's not expensive for childcare here, having Alex go means that we get Leo for free as the "cheaper" child so we are only paying the fee for his food now and the fee for Alex is about 450 per month including food, so it's about 550 a month for the pair of them. We do have to pay full costs during settling in though which is a bit of a joke when he's only been for about 2 hours in the whole month!

I don't have any work waiting for me so i can be flexible in the timing which is a relief as it was stressful last time, they tell you it will take 4-6 weeks but that doesn't seem to take into account all the back and forth with illness, restarting with a new person etc. Once he's settled in I'll look for a new job then

550 for the pair of them! Whereas in broken Britain I’m anticipating the £2600 bill for two kids for four days a week…rising to £3400 if they went full time…

@RandomCatGenerator Rohan started throwing things about 2-3 months ago, especially when he got frustrated. We would say no (not make a deal out of it) and ask him or give him a ball or something he can throw. It seems to have worked and he doesn't really throw things now apart from a ball. Probably partly a phase too!

As for the cat....no helpful advice! He used to constantly pull his tail, hit him or just provoke him. 1 cat runs away the other will react - even after Rohan has been scratched he thinks its hilarious and carries on! He seems less interested now but still happens. We saw no or gentle hands (doesn't work) so I will move Rohan or the cat to somewhere else and distract! It's the best we can do currently.

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Separating toddlers and pets is the only workable solution I ever found either. It's good because it doesn't reinforce the behaviour and doesn't cause a huge stressful drama.

I try to redirect as much as possible at this age e.g. with throwing. Hair pulling is difficult to redirect but I would put down or move his hand, offer something else to hold and say something like "I don't want my hair pulled". If you haven't come across Janet Lansbury Unruffled I really like her podcast for the toddler years especially about 1-3.

Saying no is no good as your only reaction, you have to back it up with making the action impossible (e.g. unreachable) otherwise it is just funny/interesting to them. They don't really internalise rules yet, but you can help to discourage some things with a lot of patience e.g. we have been moving Alex every time he tries to climb onto DH's desk, and most of the time he doesn't bother to try. However you can never reliably eradicate a behaviour at this age because their impulse control is so immature, so the main tool is supervision & controlling their environment (e.g. reduce/block access to anything really problematic) and redirection and distraction. The current annoying behaviour here is water/drinks/any liquid food, he just wants to tip it out and play in it. The kita are happy to accommodate this which I love because I don't have to XD But we have to shut him out of the bathroom and keep drinks out of reach. He loves bathtime at least.

@RandomCatGenerator ive got a thrower here too 🤦🏼‍♀️ The food thing has calmed down a bit but he went through a spell there of just throwing anything left on his plate at the end that he didn’t like. His worst thing at the moment is climbing up and hanging the tv, usually with something in his hand. I try not to react to anything as he just instantly laughs and does it more, even if I’m just saying no on repeat. I’ve started saying no once then asking him about something else or shouting him over to distract him and it stops it but feel like it doesn’t really fix the behaviour 🙈 Our dogs are too quick for him to have a problem with the hair pulling and they’re kept separate a lot of the time but he does chase them if he’s in a hyper mood and run round expecting they’ll run behind him but they’re like what is the deal with this crazy small guy?! 🤷🏼‍♀️😂 Had a big problem with him pulling my hair but it was a comfort thing if he was tired, I think it was because he used to hold my hair as a newborn while he fell asleep. He then started pulling his own hair when tired and took out huge chunks of it! We’ve got him a big soft toy with long hair that he’s now obsessed with so he takes that to sleep with him and having that hair in his hand seems to have stopped it. They don’t make it easy do they 😂

@BCxx good idea to get a long haired toy! It’s probably partly that he likes the texture. Same with our incredibly soft cat - she’s a Bengal so to be fair her fur does feel like cashmere… I’ll look for a long haired toy.

@BertieBotts yes, Solomon is also a fan of sitting in all the liquids, he seems to do a lot of it in nursery. He has been banned from the bathroom mostly because that’s where the litter tray is. But he does adore bathtime. We haven’t done swimming lessons yet but he’s been in pools and the (warm Indian) sea a few times and it’s been largely a positive experience.

I’ll give it a go giving him a ball or something instead. My SIL, with a degree in child psychology, recommended a beanbag as it’s something soft he can throw instead. Although she admitted it absolutely did not stop her own daughter throwing!

@BCxx i smiled at your description of the dogs’ reaction! I’m glad our little cat can get high easily so she can escape when she needs to. But she actually quite likes being around the baby which I’m so pleased by. She’s only young - we got her about two months ago and she’s now 7 months - so he’s all she knows really. I can imagine it’s much tougher with older animals who predate the baby.

I don’t know if anyone remembers we had to rehome our jealous young cat who got his claws out with DS when he was really small. Fear of facial scarring saw the cat sent to yorkshire to my ILs house. Well we saw him over Christmas and he’s verybhappt murdering things, bothering the neighbours, bullying the dogs, generally living his best life in rural yorkshire. Still not a fan of babies…

Hi all. Nice to see this still going. Any advice re teeth brushing. It's become a bit of a drama in the house. She won't even put the tooth brush in her mouth now. We've tried songs etc but nothing is working, or it works once and that's it

@biscuitcat have they given you any exercises you can do to help your pgp? I met with a physio who directed me to nhs YouTube videos, it was mainly catcows tbh. There’s a few others, in theory it’s meant to help but truthfully I don’t think it did much for me but it’s always worth a go? When do you get the green light for the section? Honestly I had such a good experience with mine, recovery was really so much better than I anticipated, my scar has really faded but it does dip in a bit- that’s just how I scar though. I did have numbness after for a few months but as I lost the baby weight the numbness went too, which is a bit odd!

wow Bertie, 550 for 2 babies! We’re really ripped off here, aren’t we?

for throwing we gave baby a ball, which he throws but it didn’t stop him throwing in general. The hair pulling I hope will stop, but it 7/10 it starts off cute with saying hair and stroking it and then we get full on yanking!

@Ready2020 tooth brushing is weird isn’t it! Sometimes our one loves it and other days he won’t tolerate it, perhaps wrongly but the days when he’s not into it I don’t force it, i’ll try and give them a good scrub but new not for it, I’ll give him the loaded toothbrush and brush my teeth and he’ll normally pop it in his mouth and I’ll just try it a few times, usually by the 5th attempt he accepts it but we’ve had the odd morning or evening where it’s been skipped. Appreciate I have the luxury of time in the mornings to do this though! Rowan looks gorgeous in the picture you posted around new year!

Hi @Ready2020 lovely to ‘see’ you again!

On teeth - not huge successes here which I feel very guilty about as he now has almost a full mouth of gorgeous straight white teeth (which is more than I ever had, mine were wonky from the beginning). We brush in the bath and I do the same as @Inmypjsagain , I’ll brush at the same time and he often copies. But it’s not a great brushing. A few times a week I’ll take him in hand and give him a proper brushing which he does not love.

And we don’t brush in the mornings. Negligent parent…

I was going to say the same you know, I’m shocked how straight and white they are! I whiten mine but his just naturally gleam 😂 you know you’re “meant” to take them to the dentist as soon as they get teeth, I never did that… like a 5 month old has a clue!!!!

Have you seen the best tooth brushing position is meant to be baby laying down with their mouth open, with you positioned behind their head scrubbing ? We haven’t attempted that yet…

HA! We have not tried that. I don’t see it going well given he absolutely howls whenever he’s put down to do his nappy. Got things to do!

😂 😂 I’m so glad you said that about nappy changes, total nightmare. We ended up switching to pull ups as that’s easier to do standing up, but he is bribed with a toy or a tube of moisturiser to stay on the mat, sometimes he’ll tolerate it!

Attached is a photo of the toothbrushing position!

@Inmypjsagain maybe we’ll try pull-ups again. We tried them when he was small and they just wouldn’t stay up.