First Time Mums Alone in Pandemic with Newborn

[BakeOffRewatch]

Thought I’d start this after engaging in @bleachblondemum’s thread. I think some chat with people with common understanding about how our resources are already low after a pandemic pregnancy and birth, and then not having the usual face to face local support from other new mums you meet at groups and seeing their babies to know yours is fine, as well as the convolutions needed to get your baby registered and seen to for any health concerns!

I find Mondays the hardest, they feel so long after a lovely weekend with husband. I had a 3 hour nap yesterday afternoon. I’m holding my baby now as she naps. I have been a LONG time lurker, and now spend feeds and nap holdings reading on here, would be nice to talk to other mums in similar situation.

Did people enjoy the sunshine this weekend?

@FTEngineerM glad you're coming out on the other side of it. I do think the longer days and sunnier weather help a bit too. Better days are coming! Unfortunately my mother is a narcissist and I am quite low contact with her, she does my mental health no good at all and I wouldn't trust her with my son anyway - so lockdown has been quite useful in that respect! My lovely IL family live hundreds of miles away. My husband is around nearly all the time now which does help, although practically in terms of income it's not great.

@EmmaOvary you’re so right, a walk in the sunshine does us no end of good. Keeps DC occupied for a bit aswell which is a bonus. Fingers crossed your ILs can come and visit you soon or you can visit them, I do wonder what we’ll look back and remember from this time.

Unfortunately not, all baby groups are closed or online only. I didn't feel comfortable doing online ones.

We've had one long lockdown rather than lockdown and the opening. It's literally only opening up now 1 year later. Things are more lax over the summer, there were things in the park and baby classes etc but I was pregnant then and shielding. I didn't even attend any pre birth classes which totally contributed to how bad my labour went.

I have a non napping baby, who doesn't sleep through the night, has lots of reflux, is on fortified formula, because I had no milk and is constipated and has painful bowel movements because of said formula.

I have 3 friends which I go for walks with but because of DH we are moving countries again. So on top of all this, I'm organising another international move. Only saving Grace is that we are moving to my home country where my parents live and we will have help. But I will be going back to work in a month as I have a very short maternity leave because my job is based in the US.

Honestly I had to find a counsellor because I'm falling apart. After several middle of night breakdowns DH now gets up at 5/6am with DS so I can get 2 hours of proper sleep. I'm due to start anti depressants for PND soon but really I'm just fucking tired. Really really fucking tired.

DS is on AR formula for his reflux and our paediatrician says we need to switch out of it, but the normal formula makes his reflux worse but I let DH convince me to to give him normal
Formula to help his bowels etc, but after only 2 fucking oz of normal formula my baby can't sleep in his crib. Literally cannot lie down without crying. So he gets to sleep and I'm on a chair holding DS until I figure out how I'm going to sleep. Seriously my marriage might not survive due to my extreme sleep deprivation

That sounds awful sunshine.

I’ve had similar frustrations with OH sometimes, it’s easy for them to suggest or do something when they don’t have to deal with the fallout.

@BakeOffRewatch My baby loved swimming. I found the logistics a bit stressful e.g. when you arrived you had to remove your shoes, whilst also carrying your swimming bag and your baby! They had a one way system to keep people separate and you couldn't leave any of your stuff in the changing room or use the showers. It wasn't ideal but it was the best they could do really. And my baby loved it so much it was totally worth it. Can't wait until it starts up again.

She’s napping on her own today! So I’m sitting downstairs with some tea and watching tv... and still on mumsnet. We had a busy day so think she’s just too tired to check up on me today. Horrid weather in London today, really rainy.

@Newmama29 what’s your coffee of choice? The car is the safe place for sure, only inside place we can be really.

Half the struggle is knowing which board to post on, @FTEngineerM. A Q about nursery furniture should go on “products” but I’d probably get most relevant responses on “parenting”. Definitely won’t be posting in AIBU!

I haven’t pumped yet, that’s actually why I made an MN account, to take part in product reviews and insight competitions. I signed up for the tommee tippee breast pump one that’s open now, fingers crossed I get to try and keep it. Sounds like you had a good run of it with your little one @ftengineerm. Thank you for the advice.

I didn’t know about it either @EmmaOvary, I was referred to the 121 midwife service and my midwife referred me, she was great, referred me for lots of stuff, got me moved up waiting lists. I don’t think the usual community midwives know about it, it’s part of the NHS long term plan. They also want to ensure BAME women have a 121 midwife service, given the disparate outcomes in their maternity outcomes (that did not help my pregnancy anxiety and panic attacks about going to hospital for the scans in a pandemic!). Hope you find the services you need. www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/perinatal/ . I had my counselling today and have similar things to cover as you, it’s been hard though, therapy is a workload in itself but I’m getting through it cos I want to be the best mummy I can be in future, though I know the therapist would say I need to do it for myself, I’m important too etc lol.

@SunshineWatchs that is really really shit that you’re having to take all that on and that you had to fight for even that little respite. He should see your struggle and offer. And just read about the formula. You poor thing. Easy for him to advise the risky option if he doesn’t have to deal with the fall out. Are you in USA? I will PM you a service I’m aware of for perinatal women. I assume with the talk of international move, you might have disposable income, sorry if not the case - could you employ a night nanny or maternity nurse? This honestly saved me, and massively helped relationship as we both slept, had one for 2 nights a week when mine was between 3 and 8 weeks old. We were just sniping at each other and I was broken, have feeding issues too. Does your husband have an office manager or someone to help with move admin?

@Soupthatistoohot that’s something that really puts me off going out, no one helps. I found the 8 week vaccination trip so stressful, my husband has done each one since.

Sorry if I missed any points, hope everyone is well x

@BakeOffRewatch thanks for your reply. Unfortunately the move is because DH is leaving his job and as such we have no help from his office. We literally have 1 week left in NY and then we'll be in South America, we will definitely be able to hire help there so I'm holding on until then.

DH tries and he did step in last night for a bit but then DS wouldn't calm down and I had to get up again. He's not useless, but he also wants things to happen his way and sometimes that doesn't work out. Like last night, he kept putting DS back in his crib. But with his reflux being worse, the second he was out down he'd wake up and cry. It was a brutal night.

The formula thing is a catch 22. Not really sure what to do next, our pediatrician just declared they don't know enough about infant nutrition to help further and that we should go to a infant GI specialist. Wish she's bloody said that earlier! Impossible to organise with 5 days left in the country. Meh.

Sorry that was three long rants in a row!

[quote Soupthatistoohot]@BakeOffRewatch My baby loved swimming. I found the logistics a bit stressful e.g. when you arrived you had to remove your shoes, whilst also carrying your swimming bag and your baby! They had a one way system to keep people separate and you couldn't leave any of your stuff in the changing room or use the showers. It wasn't ideal but it was the best they could do really. And my baby loved it so much it was totally worth it. Can't wait until it starts up again.[/quote]
@Soupthatistoohot how old was your baby when you first took them to swimming? Ours loves the bath tub and I can't wait to take him but I'm not sure when's ok to do that.

@BakeOffRewatch enjoy hot tea! And the quiet of a napping baby! How are you doing with everything ?

I wish Mumsnet had a edit button! @BakeOffRewatch are you trying a manual or electric pump? I used the spectra s2 which was recommended by my lactation consultant, it worked pretty well and if I had supply I would have kept going, I didn't find it painful or anything. Sadly I had very little milk which dried up at 5 weeks so it was all a bit pointless but pumping was fine! In case you are worried about it. It was actually a great excuse to pass the baby to DH and be alone for 15mins.

Love this thread 😊 Can I join? First time mum to a 17 week old little boy 🥰 DH works offshore - 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off 😓 and I have no support bubble locally unfortunately! While it’s amazing having DH home with us for 3 full weeks getting lots of quality time with DS, the 3 weeks that he’s away is SO lonely!
Would absolutely love baby classes etc to start again soon! Will be nice to finally meet some local new Mums 😊 and hoping the Health Visitor will be allowed to visit soon so that I can have this chunky boy weighed properly and check he’s doing ok 😊🙈

Hi @Squish3, welcome! Of course, please join, sit down, get comfy. Ooh ours are a really similar age! If he’s chunky I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. But I know how you feel, when my baby was a couple of weeks old, I was taken by some madness and put her in a salad bowl and on kitchen scales but they only measured up to 3kg! I just wanted to know she was ok. Is there a way you might be able to connect with other local mums? The HV put me on the children’s centre contact list and the people who run them give me a call every now and then to check in which is nice.

Baby is back on me as she cried for a bit, but still deeply asleep and meant I can watch tv. I find it hardest now cos she will wake up at anything, or delatch off boob at the slightest noise, so I can’t have any entertainment on when trying to get her to sleep or eat. She’ll even twist to see me typing. Most of the day’s passed now though, so it’s just the countdown to husband coming home and then I can switch off. Also it’s Wednesday and not that long til the weekend!

Is there any reason you can’t get a night nanny before you go @SunshineWatchs? You can get them last minute for short term, use a really good agency and check all the references. I called the agency on a Friday morning, spoke to each of the references over the weekend and they started Monday night. It might give you the buffer you need to get through the move? Be kind to yourself, you are worth it. Sleep deprivation is awful. It’s classed as torture for a reason!

Swimming you can do any age according to NHS, don’t even have to wait for vaccinations but I guess depends where you are and regulations on swimming pools or the local health scenario.

I haven’t done any pumping yet. Thanks for saying it’s fine I’ve mostly heard it’s a massive chore and that people don’t like doing it which is why I avoided. I think @FTEngineerM you said about getting away for an hour, I do manage that as she goes about 3-4 hours between feeds. And behaves totally different when I’m not around! Is your son the same with his dad and at the nursery? I left for 3 hours one afternoon and she apparently didn’t fuss or cry at all and “just feel asleep” on the play mat. Never done that with me!

I think we're getting donor milk. I'm trying to not get too excited but we're having the call tomorrow with the milk bank. After the really stressful, upsetting time we've had with feeding and my almost non existent supply I'm hopeful.

They mainly help sick and premature babies but when they have surplus they offer support to mothers with breastfeeding issues. I'm very thankful to those who donate.

In other news I got 4 hours of broken sleep last night so an improvement on the previous two nights!

@SunshineWatchs She was about 3 months when we first went swimming but we do classes with Waterbabies and they advise that baby can start from birth (mums should have their 6-8 week check first though).

@BakeOffRewatch We also weighed baby in a pie dish when she was small enough .

@BakeOffRewatch sorry OP just catching up with this thread. I like a latte, normally with a double shot of caffeine these days lol 😂

Fingers crossed for your request for donor milk @addler. You reminded me to sign up to be a donor, thank you. The hospitals only take milk from mums with babies under 6 months so not much time left. How is your baby at the moment?

Haha your pie dish attempt does make me feel a lot better @Soupthatistoohot!

@SunshineWatchs how is your move going, it’s imminent now, right?

Thanks really great news @addler ! A friend very kindly offered to be a private donor for me but we were already well settled on formula so I passed but it's great news!

@BakeOffRewatch yep! Less than a week to go now. I dropped off the last batch of things at the charity shop and some of the furniture that's being donated is going this weekend and the movers will be with us on Monday morning. Our covid test is Tuesday and the flight weds. The baby and dog have travel papers and everything is going at warp speed

On a different note we are switch to "allergy" formula but not full lactose free formula. DS had a bottle today and we went to run errands and he napped for 3 hours! It was magical! Shame I was running errands but I got to eat lunch in peach and not rushed and and sit on the couch for a few mins before he woke up.

Gawd. So many spelling mistakes. Can you tell I'm feeding him while typing!!!

I’ll come back after my coffee and read everything properly but @SunshineWatchs how amazing is that! We had a similar experience to you and possibly why I got so passionate on bleachblondmoms thread about sleep I’d fought and fought with HV/GP/Family members about our DCs sleep and trying to connect the discomfort he was experiencing to the flare ups of leaking eczema on his face. Nope. Every HCP just kept repeating the same thing, it’s just baby eczema, there will only be trace amounts in breast milk, don’t stop BFing, there’s nothing we can do, oh now it’s infant eczema HAHA ass holes. Then one day we switched to hydrolysed formula and he immediately slept better day and night, stopped itching himself to the point of bleeding.

I shudder every time I think of everyone who made me feel neurotic about our DC, his discomfort and our sleep as a family.

I feel like starting a campaign or something😂, hope your DC slept better last night on the new formula?

That’s super cool @BakeOffRewatch they’re expensive as hell so if you can get one and try then keep that’ll be optimum. Yeah not everyone hates it, depends how much your output and how easily I imagine.

I was watching something about BAME outcomes in maternity care and I was absolutely dumbfounded that actually happens. I’m glad things are changing though with 1-2-1 care, hopefully there’ll be more changes too.

@addler that is super cool!! I didn’t know that was possible, maybe I’ve been living under a rock? Will it be a permanent thing or to get you over a hurdle?

@Newmama29 ditto on the double shot, I used to have a single espresso pat milk latte in the morning but since DC arrived that’s been bumped 😬🤭. How could we survive without it eh?

Also @BakeOffRewatch post the thread, I’m sure someone will help wherever you put it. Nursery furniture is a huge purchase.

We're getting 20L, hooray! It'll last us a 2.5 weeks if we use it exclusively or longer if we spread it out but the milk bank woman said it's good for them to have a stretch of exclusive breast milk.

I wish we had a private donor, a nearby friendly over producer would be the dream! The milk bank said we can always come back later and ask for more, but it won't be a permanent supply. I'm grateful for anything we can get.

Unfortunately it's not so much as a hurdle as a roadblock, my milk never came in properly and I can only pump less than 1oz a day, and that's with flanges and inserts and collection cups and a hideously expensive double pump that arrived a few days ago. I'm still very proud of my tiny bottle of milk though, I'm trying to collect enough for one full feed to give DS and I can't wait to give him a feed where it's just my milk, which hasn't happened since day 3 when they told me he was starving.

He has all his feeds at the breast with an SNS so still gets the other lovely things of breastfeeding plus not starving with the supplement. I have insufficient glandular tissue so just don't have the capacity for milk.

@SunshineWatchs we're moving this year too! Back home to NZ. Dreading the plane ride considering DS doesn't sleep in a car or the pram..

@FTEngineerM I was never a big coffee drinker but it’s saved my sanity some days! 😂

Has anyone started weaning yet? My LO just turned 6 months but I’ve been giving some baby porridge & fruit purée for the last couple of weeks cause he just looked desperate for food the poor soul!

That’s brilliant addler!

I think I’m done with expressing, I just have no time. I have mixed feelings. It’s lovely to have a nights sleep! On the other hand it’s - I don’t know, that milk was for my baby. And I did so want to breastfeed. I accept it now though but sadly.