Am I lazy mum or does DH have too high expectations?

[Awjaysus]

My DH and I have just come to blows. We had our first baby 5 weeks ago. Lucky LO is a very easy baby, I had been bracing myself for a colicky or reflux baby. However is definitely living up to the fourth trimester theory and wants to be up in our arms and only settles for any stretch of time if I'm holding him.
My DH has been great, taking over housework and cooking duties and taking LO for a couple of hours in the morning so I get a solid 3 hours of sleep in a row. I'm not BF so we can share feeding. Tried and tried breastfeeding but it just didn't work out.
I had a particularly difficult c section which I'm just about recovered from, still painful when I over do it and my back is wrecked. Recently I've been having severe headaches which knock me out a bit but apart from that I'm physically perfectly capable of doing my share.
DH works shifts. Some of which are very long and overnight so Im on my own and incredibly tired by the time he comes home. I used to cook him dinner during a break in his shift but I haven't since baby has been born as I'm finding it hard to time everything properly around LO. I feel like Ive just finished feeding, burping, changing baby when the cycle starts again.
Anyway DH came home today after helping a friend with some work and the place was a mess. I'd been out getting essentials, shopping bags still in the pram, pram not put away, oven was heating up but dinner not yet in. LO and me where sitting on the couch watching TV after finishing a bottle and change. DH annoyed and after the pair of us giving each other the silent treatment he says "I've done fuck all" in the last 6 weeks. He is annoyed that he is doing everything and all I do is sit on the couch with the baby. He felt that when the place is a mess it's a slight on the work he puts into the house. He also feels I'm critical and not appreciative of what he does. Sometimes I have to point out if something is wrong, for example he bought the wrong powder the other day and I pointed it out to him, he told me to bring it back if I wasn't happy. I don't know how else I can express my appreciation, I thank him whenever he takes over at night /when he makes dinner etc. I'm incredibly hurt and haven't stopped crying. I thought I was doing a good job. I'm not the most organised at the best of times but I've been finding planning much harder with a newborn. DH thinks I should leave LO in the moses basket or bouncer and get on with things. But I don't want to let him cry just for housework. DH is usually so supportive and we are generally a team but he is so fed up with me. I think because I'm not breastfeeding he doesn't think I'm doing anything more than him and he is probably right. I don't know how to get past this or how to split the work more evenly.

It's early days. Your job is to look after the baby, as is his, that's where both of your priorities should be. Not housework!
Baby needs to be with you, not alone and crying so the house can be tidy.

Housework comes very low down on your priorities right now. You're priority is to be there for your baby, not keep house. If you had said your baby was 5 months I may think you could start to get into a routine put the LO down but not at 5 weeks. Your husband is being a dick and trying it on. He needs a reality check.

Housework comes very low down on your priorities right now. You're priority is to be there for your baby, not keep house. If you had said your baby was 5 months I may think you could start to get into a routine put the LO down but not at 5 weeks. Your husband is being a dick and trying it on. He needs a reality check.

@Notajogger that's my view too but mess/untidiness is like my DHs Achilles Heel. He can't stand it and it genuinely effects his mental health.
I give LO cuddles and attention all day long. I figure it's a phase and all the attention mow will mean they will be more securely attached later on. It's lovely but sometimes I'd love to see something other than the four walls, I think DH thinks I'm having the time of my life and it's a piece of piss. I adore my LO but it's hard, and it's hurts so much being told I do nothing.

I think because I'm not breastfeeding he doesn't think I'm doing anything more than him and he is probably right.

Why do you say he is probably right? He is not right. Has he gone through 40 weeks of pregnancy and a c-section? Has he had responsibility for the baby solo for hours on end while you’re out at work?

Honestly OP, set him straight now. The baby is the priority now, not his dinner. And not housework. No one will be a mum to your baby only you, so you have to be true to what you feel your baby needs. Now is the time for sitting on the couch and bonding, not worrying about the house.

Csection is major surgery

Are you seriously shopping on foot already?

Your DH is being a dick. You've just had a major op which takes absolute minimum 6 weeks to start to recover from. Your hormones are all over the place and you're sleep deprived.
If a messy house is affecting his mental health, tell him it's his job to tidy it. How much paternity leave did he take?

Ok so you’re not breastfeeding but your body has gone through 10months of pregnancy and you’ve had surgery....not doing enough house work?- he can sod off! Sorry but you have a newborn, enjoy it, hoovering can wait!

It's still early days. In a few weeks your baby will be happy in a bouncer watching you, or in a sling so you can be hands free doing some stuff (after you are fully healed). Some babies sleep for a couple of hours at a time by themselves.

He needs to pay for a cleaner short term while you’re giving a newborn 24/7 attention. Either that or he lets his standards slip for a bit for the good of his child. 🤷🏽‍♀️

You’ve just had major abdominal surgery. Did the hospital give you a list of things you can and can’t do? I was told for the first 6 weeks not to carry anything heavier than my baby. I can dig out my list if you want.

Does DH stand for dickhead in this scenario, as that’s what he is? Makes my blood boil to think of new mothers being treated like this. Your baby’s only five weeks old and you’ve had major surgery. He has absolutely no idea.

It sounds like he may have absorbed the stereotype of mothers. All giving.

I know I need to pull my weight more but I don't think my standard will ever be as high as his. He is probably right in that he does pretty much everything right now apart from tending to the baby.
He is so angry he isn't talking to me anymore. I'm so upset. I feel like a total failure.

What do you mean pull your weight more?? You’re looking after a newborn all day on your own while recovering from surgery. What extra weight is there to pull? You need to be trying to rest whenever you get the opportunity which isn’t often with a five week old. You have plenty of time to get things into more of a routine, these early weeks are all about survival.

I agree with everything that previous posters have said.
The only thing that stands out to me a little is when you said you told him he had bought the "wrong" powder and he feels you are very critical. In what way was it wrong and do you think you are being unnecessarily critical?
I found when I had my babies that i spent so much more time with them that sometimes i could be a bit critical if dh didn't do things the way I would and actually it made it more difficult for him to feel like he was bonding with the babies. I might be totally projecting but it may be worth asking.
Otherwise he needs to get a grip. If mess bothers him that much then he needs to accept he will have to do more while you focus on the baby and continue to recover.

To echo every one else, you're recovering from major surgery at the same time as nurturing a newborn, recovering from pregnancy which in itself wreaks havoc on your body and handling massive hormone changes. That sounds like enough to be getting on with for now. Perhaps tell him that you really appreciate his support and that you will be able to resume some of the housework duties when your body has recovered from its ordeal.

Good thing he isn't my husband I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

He is so angry he isn't talking to me anymore

Are you going to let him call the shots like this? Oh no, DH will be home soon, I better tidy up, I don’t want him to get angry with me again...

I would be telling him (as I have told my own DH in the past) to cop on to himself and asking if he wanted a map to the fucking hoover cupboard and the oven or if he was ok to make his own way there??

Nip it in the bud OP.

"pulling... weight"...you just grew a whole human inside you and you've had major surgery!
Housework?! Fuck that shit.

Shall we slice through his abdominal wall and see how he manages to swing the hoover around, cook dinner and settle the baby? You are doing exactly what you need to do-prioritising LO and healing. Get on the sofa with baby, a cuppa and let him strop

Please listen to everyone and be kinder to yourself, he should not be having tantrums because you are more concerned about recovering from your pregnancy and spending time with your child than you are about doing housework

Seems like it's a case of him thinking that because he doesn't see all the effort you put into your child while he's at work that that means it doesn't happen

You have described your baby as an easy baby but then say he cries whenever put down and will only settle if you're holding him. That is not an easy baby. You then seem to be beating yourself up about not doing more because you have an easy baby. You haven't. And that's fine. But that means you can't get much else done.

Could you broach getting a cleaner or some kind of assistance with the food (I’m terrible at planning food and find using Gousto or Hello Fresh really frees up some headspace) a couple of times a week to keep on it? I agree your DH is being too reactive but if you feel it is a need of his then maybe you could discuss ways to help.