Am I lazy mum or does DH have too high expectations?

[Awjaysus]

My DH and I have just come to blows. We had our first baby 5 weeks ago. Lucky LO is a very easy baby, I had been bracing myself for a colicky or reflux baby. However is definitely living up to the fourth trimester theory and wants to be up in our arms and only settles for any stretch of time if I'm holding him.
My DH has been great, taking over housework and cooking duties and taking LO for a couple of hours in the morning so I get a solid 3 hours of sleep in a row. I'm not BF so we can share feeding. Tried and tried breastfeeding but it just didn't work out.
I had a particularly difficult c section which I'm just about recovered from, still painful when I over do it and my back is wrecked. Recently I've been having severe headaches which knock me out a bit but apart from that I'm physically perfectly capable of doing my share.
DH works shifts. Some of which are very long and overnight so Im on my own and incredibly tired by the time he comes home. I used to cook him dinner during a break in his shift but I haven't since baby has been born as I'm finding it hard to time everything properly around LO. I feel like Ive just finished feeding, burping, changing baby when the cycle starts again.
Anyway DH came home today after helping a friend with some work and the place was a mess. I'd been out getting essentials, shopping bags still in the pram, pram not put away, oven was heating up but dinner not yet in. LO and me where sitting on the couch watching TV after finishing a bottle and change. DH annoyed and after the pair of us giving each other the silent treatment he says "I've done fuck all" in the last 6 weeks. He is annoyed that he is doing everything and all I do is sit on the couch with the baby. He felt that when the place is a mess it's a slight on the work he puts into the house. He also feels I'm critical and not appreciative of what he does. Sometimes I have to point out if something is wrong, for example he bought the wrong powder the other day and I pointed it out to him, he told me to bring it back if I wasn't happy. I don't know how else I can express my appreciation, I thank him whenever he takes over at night /when he makes dinner etc. I'm incredibly hurt and haven't stopped crying. I thought I was doing a good job. I'm not the most organised at the best of times but I've been finding planning much harder with a newborn. DH thinks I should leave LO in the moses basket or bouncer and get on with things. But I don't want to let him cry just for housework. DH is usually so supportive and we are generally a team but he is so fed up with me. I think because I'm not breastfeeding he doesn't think I'm doing anything more than him and he is probably right. I don't know how to get past this or how to split the work more evenly.

I have to admit that Im guilty of ploughing on until I hit a wall when I'm physically unwell and refuse to give in to it. I think I gave my DH the impression I was fine, as I was trying to convince myself more than anyone. After our chat I think he understands how difficult I'm finding it.
He admitted that he was acting an arse and when he is looking after the baby on his own he starts to realise how hard it is but tiredness made him lose perspective.
I'll admit the mess is starting to get me down, so that means it must be really upsetting for him. He does the vast majority of cleaning right now so I understand up to a point how frustrating it is when you come home and see all your good work is undone. We have discussed how it is unrealistic to have very high standards as the baby gets older too. Neither of us want the baby to grow up being neurotic about mess or afraid to play with their toys etc. He gets that he needs to accept some level of mess with children. I just don't think he expected it so soon!
Also to PP it wasn't physical fight, god no! And it wasn't even shouting just snapping at each other.
I think tonight was a result of two very tired, very overwhelmed people who just haven't figured out how to deal with each other in our new roles.

It is, and you know what? I think its more sad for her. Because she saw what I got to have with my children, knowing that although she had that with my sister, she didnt with me.

She is not surprisingly closer to my sister than me because my sister doesnt push her away as I do, and I know that hurts her.

Daft thing is that now Dad does all the housework and cooking, all the things he refused to do when I was a new baby because that was her job and after all, she was at home all day doing "nothing".

Your update sounds encouraging but if he ever pulls that shit again tell him to sod off!
Sounds like he was tired too in this instance. 5 weeks post c section is very early days and sounds like you've got a velcro baby! You can investigate slings when you're closer to full recovery.

An ideal scenario would be the doctor telling you to have bed rest for 2 days so you go to stay at a friend's house or with your parents while your DH takes a couple of days off to look after the baby. He won't moan again.

@PyongyangKipperbang I will definitely speak to my doctor about the headaches thank you.
Also I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It's what I'm trying to avoid with our family. Funny thing is DH agrees with me but i don't believe he thought through that something has to give in order to work on building that secure attachment and the least harmful thing to let go of right now is housework.

I suspect you have a problem here, @Awjaysus. You are married to a man with a tendency to control. You need to challenge every single expression of that.

What's this nonsense about your H's MH suffering if the place isn't kept to his standards?

To me that sounds like an ideal way of asserting that he is asserting that his standards are the ones you have to live up to, jeopardise your recovery from major abdominal surgery trying to keep him from having some sort of a wobble.

He needs to go to see a therapist if he has mental health issues, not make you run around like a scalded earwig trying to keep house to his requirements.

Tell him this is what he needs to do.
He is not your boss. You have to feel comfortable in your own home too. He is not the employer to whom you answer about how you spend your days. You are not his housekeeper. Don't let him get away with any more of the MH excuse for giving you a hard time. His MH is his responsibility alone. If a messy house makes him anxious now, just wait until your baby is a toddler.

There is absolutely no way you should be doing grocery shopping so soon after a CS. There is no way you should have to push a pram with bags of groceries and baby home from the shop.

Either your H does all of that and puts everything away when he gets home or you order everything.

I am appalled that he spent his day helping a friend while you had all of that to do, and when he got home he ripped into you. Leave him with the baby for a day, go to see your mum or just lock yourself in the bedroom to get a bit of relaxation with earplugs in, and see how he gets on with the feeding, the burping, the soothing to sleep, the nappy changing, the rinsing and repeating. Let him see how he manages with his 'to do' list.

And go back to the hospital you delivered in to get your headache problem sorted out!
Do this ASAP.

Awjaysus you have had major surgery and before that you literally grew a human in your own body.

I'm glad your dh has realized how he was being (like others I think he was being a massive dick). Is this need to have things clean and tidy a kind of obsession, like OCD, or just regular tidiness? If the former, he can maybe get help for that.

Lifting and carrying shopping is not great after your C-section. You should not be driving for weeks and so are you doing this on foot?

Re "Anyway DH came home today after helping a friend with some work and the place was a mess."

Was this paid work that you needed the money for or was it voluntary helping out a mate? If the later he needs to be looking after his child and his wife, not helping out random mates 5 weeks after baby is born.

I think it is nicer to be in a tidier home and you can maybe find ways to make it easier for yourself and your husband. BUT if he is the one obsessed about tidiness at this crucial time, he needs to find a way to make it work.

If anyone had major abdominal surgery and had been told by their doctor they needed 6 weeks to recover, everyone would be rushing around helping them.

When a woman has a c-section she's expected to push the hoover around and put the kettle on for the ten thousand relatives that show up as soon as she gets home from the hospital.

Your newborn sets the schedule not your DH. I am sure you would love to clean the house and get dinner cooked but your baby probably has other ideas and is too little to be left to cry and be ignored, that can be damaging to them. Just because you are not breastfeeding doesn't mean your baby isn't eating. What are they supposed to do? Sit up in the pram and hold their own bottle? Bottle feeding can take a loooong time and if your baby needs feeding every 1.5 - 2 hours that is probably where a lot of your day is going as well as having to sterilize bottles and mix up formula.

At that stage you really can't do anything other than look after the baby. If anything else at all (chores, cooking, tidying etc) gets done its a major achievement. If a tidy house is important to your DH he needs to be prepared to spend some time each day doing it himself.

DH and I split childcare when our kids were little and our only requirements were that everyone was in one piece at the end of the day. DH understood it was impossible to do much when looking after a baby because he was also doing childcare,

This is not an attempt to scare you but a couple of red flags popped up in your post - you mention a wreaked back and severe headaches that knock you out, please get get checked out by an anesthetist in your maternity department as sounds very similar to my dural tap headache. I thought it was just hormone's adjusting and raised it with my midwife, GP and maternity ward and they all agreed nothing to worry about - until I pushed to speak to the anesthetist who re-admitted me there and then for treatment . Hopefully just your body adjusting - but do get checked. Re your Husband, take your recover at your own pace.

You sound like you are doing a great job. I really struggled with my first (she was a very bad sleeper) and didn't even feel I could leave her and have a shower. It's a very overwhelming time. Tell him if he wants a cleaner house, to hire a cleaner. Give yourself a few more months before you stress out over achieving things. A happy, well cared for baby is your priority at the moment and you are doing marvellously by the sounds of things.

I think that if your DH has OCD about mess and untidiness, he should get help now, or should never have had a baby with you. Mess and untidiness GOES WITH CHILDREN. What is he going to do when your toddler leaves lego on the floor and toys of different varieties? Having a child means mess. It seems he has extremely unrealistic expectations of the children should be seen and not heard and not touch anything or make any mess, type. You or someone should have prepared him for this, that from now on all his expectations of a neat and tidy house will go right out the window. He seems to expect nothing to have changed, and doesn't realise a baby means mess. It sounds like he needs counselling to get a reality check. Being very uptight about mess and being a father do NOT go together. He needs to understand that. The days of neat and tidy are O.V.E.R and someone should have prepped him for that. He either wants a display house - or he wants a FAMILY. Can't have both.

Damn it, I posted before reading your later posts. You'd think I'd learn by now. It does sound like you both have a healthy relationship, so that's great.

Bob all the comments supporting you 're correct, and you definitely need to not push yourse!t get so that you can recover properly etc.

How'ever I'm critical and not appreciative of what he does. Sometimes I have to point out if something is wrong, for example he bought the wrong powder how critical are you? Was the powder inappropriate or just not what you'd use? Part of doing this together is accepting your not in sole charge,he has to doing his way and you yours so long as isn't in painful opposition or dangerous

Thank you all again for your comments. I think your responses have made me realise that all new parents homes are more than likely a bit of mess and it's not from lack of caring.
I wrote the op when I was between being so cross with DH I wanted to poke him in the eye to being so upset I wanted to just wail. Now reading your responses and speaking with DH I feel much clearer. I'm taking away a couple of things I need to start doing. For one I'm going to take my physical recovery more seriously and book a GP app. I'm going to make sure me and DH talk more about what is getting us down instead of letting it build until the argument doesn't even make sense like this evening. And lastly try for me and DH to acknowledge to each other what each of us is doing each day and how it contributes to our family. I think both of us took what each other has been doing for granted and also assumed the other person has it easier.

@SleepingStandingUp that a very valid point and something I need to work on. Sometimes it is something that could genuinely negatively effect the baby e.g not doing the right ratio of water to powder, other times its something that's not that big of a deal. After listening to him this evening I'm definitely going to work on that side of things. Just as I don't like being criticised around housework, he finds it upsetting to be criticised around how to look after the baby.

Oh my goodness, I feel annoyed just reading this OP.

My baby is 3 months old now and I honestly could t do anything for the first 10 weeks. He wouldn’t sleep if he wasn’t on me and he didn’t like to be put down. He fed every hour and a half to two hours and it was non stop. I was getting on average 3-4 hours of broken sleep and looking back was probably slightly insane from sleep deprivation.

Baby is so much easier now. He sleeps through the night, I can put him down when he sleeps and he feeds every 4-5 hours.

I honestly would have broken down too. I would personally tell him to bugger off! Please don’t be sad, you will be doing a great job! My house was awful for the first 10 weeks or so but I’ve caught up in the last 3 weeks. Just enjoy this time with bubba.

You need this book! Well, if you can find any time to read it, I know that could be a challenge right now. But, I highly recommend it:

What Mothers Do - especially when it looks like nothing

I feel for you as I went through this with my husband but I was breast feeding. His criticism of me went on for at least a full year and I felt the same as you. It's very upsetting when you're trying your hardest. I haven't read all the thread but people are right, housework drops to the bottom of the priority list. Your baby comes first and it's important to cuddle and bond with your baby. My first born is now 3 years old and only very recently my husband admitted that he didn't adapt very well to fatherhood. We have had our 2nd 12 weeks ago and we are both more relaxed this time. The first few weeks were tense as my baby was premature and he was a bit of a prick at times. But on the whole it's better. I'm not sure my experience will help but thought I'd share. Why can't he hold the baby a while you do a few bits about the house. Personally I feel a bit more human when I'm doing a few chores! I'm not going to lie if he doesn't change his attitude it's going to be very hard for you as it was for me as I was actually doing loads about the house but my husband didn't believe me. I don't know he thought was washing his pants though!!

Sounds like you are both in a good place to talk and understand each other. Thats really positive and healthy.

I would suggest that you take him a long with you to your GP appointment, or maybe show him some information on how long it (really) takes to get over a C-section as he may not fully appreciate the "Just been hit by a bus...then a truck.....then a hammer..... then given a newborn to take sole care of" feeling you get. I say this as someone who has never had a C-S, thats how I felt after each of my vaginal births!

Also, make sure you switch over jobs sometimes so he's looking after the baby and you're tidying up.

You tidying up isn't so important, but him looking after the baby is vital. Fathers need to understand how tedious and tiring it is. If they don't do it, they don't get it. So don't make it your job alone.

Perhaps evenings and weekends, the baby is his job and you take over the house jobs that he would otherwise be doing?

No you don't sound lazy. His expectations sound too high.

As an idea, My baby is now 10 weeks old. I didn't have a c-section. My midwife and gynaecologist during and after pregnancy were very strict that I shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than baby the first 8 weeks, and after that only gradually another 8 weeks.

It can cause long term damage in your stomach and back muscles if they aren't given time to move back into place before being stretched.