Am I lazy mum or does DH have too high expectations?

[Awjaysus]

My DH and I have just come to blows. We had our first baby 5 weeks ago. Lucky LO is a very easy baby, I had been bracing myself for a colicky or reflux baby. However is definitely living up to the fourth trimester theory and wants to be up in our arms and only settles for any stretch of time if I'm holding him.
My DH has been great, taking over housework and cooking duties and taking LO for a couple of hours in the morning so I get a solid 3 hours of sleep in a row. I'm not BF so we can share feeding. Tried and tried breastfeeding but it just didn't work out.
I had a particularly difficult c section which I'm just about recovered from, still painful when I over do it and my back is wrecked. Recently I've been having severe headaches which knock me out a bit but apart from that I'm physically perfectly capable of doing my share.
DH works shifts. Some of which are very long and overnight so Im on my own and incredibly tired by the time he comes home. I used to cook him dinner during a break in his shift but I haven't since baby has been born as I'm finding it hard to time everything properly around LO. I feel like Ive just finished feeding, burping, changing baby when the cycle starts again.
Anyway DH came home today after helping a friend with some work and the place was a mess. I'd been out getting essentials, shopping bags still in the pram, pram not put away, oven was heating up but dinner not yet in. LO and me where sitting on the couch watching TV after finishing a bottle and change. DH annoyed and after the pair of us giving each other the silent treatment he says "I've done fuck all" in the last 6 weeks. He is annoyed that he is doing everything and all I do is sit on the couch with the baby. He felt that when the place is a mess it's a slight on the work he puts into the house. He also feels I'm critical and not appreciative of what he does. Sometimes I have to point out if something is wrong, for example he bought the wrong powder the other day and I pointed it out to him, he told me to bring it back if I wasn't happy. I don't know how else I can express my appreciation, I thank him whenever he takes over at night /when he makes dinner etc. I'm incredibly hurt and haven't stopped crying. I thought I was doing a good job. I'm not the most organised at the best of times but I've been finding planning much harder with a newborn. DH thinks I should leave LO in the moses basket or bouncer and get on with things. But I don't want to let him cry just for housework. DH is usually so supportive and we are generally a team but he is so fed up with me. I think because I'm not breastfeeding he doesn't think I'm doing anything more than him and he is probably right. I don't know how to get past this or how to split the work more evenly.

Five weeks is very early, your both still getting used to this new experience and I'm guessing absolutely knackered by now. It sounds to me like he's snapped out of tiredness/irritation and you'll probably both do this throughout the first year....alot!!! The key is apologise then move on and still work as team, babies strain even the best relationships. Oh havnt done anything wrong, you are recovering from a marathon with surgery at the end!
Your husband will however need to come to terms with the housework thing or he will drive himself crackers, it's impossible to do everything but he'll learn that when he has the baby for any longer stretch if time, it's all an ajustment and it's very early days.
Generalisation but I dont think most men ever understand the physical and mental strain growing, birthing and looking after a newborn/baby actually takes so don't be hard in yourself xxx

I know I need to pull my weight more but I don't think my standard will ever be as high as his. He is probably right in that he does pretty much everything right now apart from tending to the baby. He is so angry he isn't talking to me anymore. I'm so upset. I feel like a total failure.

These are huge red flags OP. You have just given birth. Your hormones are all over the place. You've had major surgery. Looking after a newborn is 24/7. And he says you've done fuck all?

He needs a fucking slap. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Have you got any female support, mum, sister, friend? Who can tell your DH to shut the fuck up and get used to picking up the slack if you can't? It's called team work. It's called a marriage.

I'm so livid for you OP. You are not a failure. Jesus. You've birthed a human being. You shouldn't be feeling like a failure, but a goddess.

@alfrew

I'm slightly concerned by your first sentence OP. I'm hoping that things didn't actually get physical.

Yes I wondered that too, but am thinking that as the OP hasnt mentioned being hit (or indeed, hitting) then I hope it just means "a blazing row".

I really am hoping...

Also headaches can be a prolonged side affect from an epidural, you might want to see the Dr to check.

I can't imagine how difficult and strange it is to have a baby in lockdown and with a CS which is a major op, please don't risk your MH and physical recovery by pandering to him.

DH annoyed and after the pair of us giving each other the silent treatment he says "I've done fuck all" in the last 6 weeks. He is annoyed that he is doing everything and all I do is sit on the couch with the baby

He is being an arse. If he wants a tidier house he can tidy it or pay for a cleaner. Sharing bottle feeds is not sharing the load its doing a bit of basic parenting of his own child. He isn't recovering from pregnancy and abdominal surgery with associated pregnancy back pain and trying breast feeding whilst still trying to do the shopping and care for a new baby solo for protracted periods whilst relying on the "luxury" of three hours sleep between wakings.

Did he go to antenatal classes or did you not get them due to Covid?

If the back pain is still bad you should follow it up with the GP but be prepared to stand your ground and not be fobbed off with "all women get this".

Do you have a network of other new mums and experienced mums to talk to? That can help a lot when you feel alone. How does it affect his mental health to be in an untidy house? if this is real rather than elective he needs to budget for a cleaner, do more in the house or live with it, depending on which option is practical.

Adding to the chorus.

You have had major surgery and need to rest.

FWIW, my wife had a section too. She was advised not to life anything heavier than a kettle (which included our baby). It was my job during those early weeks to bring the baby to her at night for feeds. We mix-fed, so sometimes I gave the baby a bottle, but given you are FF it should be even easier for your DH.

And you know what? It's actually not that hard to look after a baby when you're not recovering from pregnancy/labour. In fact it's easy. Everyone's life changes when you have a baby, but he has the easy job here. So he needs to get his finger out and do it.

I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is to be in your position. Your DH should be ashamed. As the person who didn't give birth, I am stunned he can be so lazy.

OP I had an emergency section in February. Please don't think you are doing anything wrong. I could barely walk down the stairs for the first couple of weeks. Stay with your baby and when your DH mentions anything ask him how he'd feel if he'd just been sliced in half!

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. I needed it, feeling so isolated. I miss being able to meet my friends or work colleagues and thrash things out.
Me and DH just had a chat where we both just unloaded about how overwhelmed we both are. Usually we put a lot of effort into our relationship and ensure we have good communication. Since LO arrival our relationship has taken a back seat and we have, rightly, been consumed by looking after and loving him. DH has apologised, said I'm doing a great job with the baby and then we talked about ways we can help each other with what we are finding hardest. @zaffa you have hit the nail on the head with your description. I think that's what happened here.
Sometimes I genuinely couldn't tell you what I did all day, or how 8hours have passed without me going to the toilet, let alone finding time to tidy the kitchen. But I know I haven't had a moment to do those things.
@VenusTiger I think your right, unless DH sees how the day unfolded he just doesn't get why it was so hard to get seemingly simple tasks done. I never fully understood how draining and demanding newborns are until now. Each night I go to bed thinking "tomorrow will be the day I get my shit together, I will have a routine to the day" and then tomorrow comes and laughs in my face.
We both feel a little sheepish, tiredness got the better of us and we didn't deal with other very well.
Thank you again for all your advice

No way would I have attempted housework that soon after my c section.
Would it be financially possible to hire a cleaner for 2 hours a week to do the big jobs (hoover, mop, surfaces etc)?
A sling for baby is really handy if you're healed enough and you can do the 'little' jobs like unpacking dishes while baby sleeps on you.

I presume hubby has a spare hour or two when hes not working? If mess bothers him that much he can clean up himself!

Being a new mum is bloody hard enough without being given extra things to do.

life is different now hes got to accept that-whats he going to do when your bab grows up adnwants toys make them put it all away all the time or he'll get annoyed?

sounds like he think his life should carry on as before

You need to make time to go to the loo. Caring for a baby with a UTI isn’t much fun. Neither is doing it with an infected scar. You’ve really got to rest as much as you need to. It’s literally doctors orders.

You’re doing really well OP.

In another 6 weeks things will look and feel very different.

His expectations aren’t realistic. I do sympathise with him as a messy house makes me feel anxious. I would organise help/a cleaner for 6 weeks. Take everything in 6 week periods with a newborn. You’ll soon be at 3 months and that will make a difference.

You can’t get back to normal as your normal doesn’t exist anymore. He needs to cut you some slack - more than this, you need to cut yourself some slack.

It’s hard.

I was so happy lockdown happened as it gave my husband a good view into my world when he was at work. I have 4 kids youngest is 1 he would ring in his free time and as soon as he heard the kids screaming he would hang up and say he gets peace and would moan that I had it easy boy was he taking back his words. When the kids cried and screamed he couldn't hang up seen that I do clean up but the kids mess it up just as fast he has been back 3 weeks and not once has he said anything instead has given me half hour to myself to get away from the kids which before he hadn't. It will get easier and things will get done just a bit more slower to start with if you can do a room a day and when baby naps just do little bits as it's better than nothing but you partner shouldn't be a dick about it..

I had a particularly difficult c section which I'm just about recovered from, still painful when I over do it and my back is wrecked. Recently I've been having severe headaches which knock me out a bit but apart from that I'm physically perfectly capable of doing my share.

Mustn't grumble, eh? The above paragraph reads like something out of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch.

Maybe read back what you've written and start taking yourself and your own needs seriously! Clearly nobody else in your household is doing so, so you need to loook after yourself (which includes finding supportive people you can see and talk to in real life).

You haven't even agreed with him what your mutual standards of household tidiness are. To do that, you'd need to have a discussion, listen to each other and probably both compromise (probably both downwards, at the moment). You haven't agreed to do 'your share' of keeping the place to his preferred standards. So why would you feel bad about not doing something you don't want to and haven't agreed to, which is neither necessary nor important?

Just saw your update. YES it’s isolating, and often so very boring too.

We don’t always recognise that new fathers are dealing with huge changes as well. I have friends who partners have gone out on an all night bender. Or are overwhelmed with the responsibility of a partner and child to support.

You’re both adjusting. Your update sounded like some progress though.

Agree with what everyone else says. I think you should see your GP about the severe headaches. Especially given they are new.

Congratulations on your baby OP. This is the hardest part right now. Promise it gets easier!

OP, I'm delighted you seem to have had (eventually) a good discussion with your DH. Please be assured that, from the perspective of someone who's had two kids, your struggles (as a new mother, and as a couple) are not unusual at all, and I don't think you'be been doing anything wrong. Looking after a tiny baby is just absolutely utterly exhausting. But it does get better! Your priority should definitely be looking after yourself and your little one, and if the house is a mess, so be it!
I am glad your DH now seems to be more compassionate, and ready to work with you as a team.

Did you do any ante natal classes? Might be time to get in touch with baby mates or seek out some baby groups. You don’t have to go out yet, but it might feel less isolating to start thinking about it.

At this stage you should aim to clean your teeth daily, and a shower is a bonus.
Gaze at your baby and smell their head when you have spare time. These are precious days.

You are doing brilliantly.

I'm glad you have sat down and talked. Quite often I want to advise expectant parents that the first few weeks are going to be really hard and to remember when you start arguing that you probably don't actually hate each other, both of you are knackered and stressed out with learning how to look after a tiny baby. It will get easier, at least on the sheer exhaustion front. Me and my husband still occasionally refer to what one of us described as the "endless drudgery" of the early days. Now ours are teenagers, it's continual delight, obviously 😏

get the headaches looked at ASAP.

Could be a leak of fluid from your epidural (Post Dural Puncture Headache) and will only get worse if it isnt treated. I had one and its awful.

Please see the MW/Doc ASAP and make sure you mention the C- Section and your concern it could be a PDPH.

My Aunt who would have been in her 90s now used to park the baby in a pram down the garden. A neighbour started a petition about her leaving the baby screaming. She probably had a pristine house but i know who i think has their priorities right. You, as you are prioritising your baby! Glad you have talked it through with your dh.

OP let rip - “how dare you treat me like this- I’ve given up my freedom and body to grow your baby and had my body cut open to get your baby out safely into the world!
You are not allowed to be dashing about lifting or pushing stuff. He is actively trying to put you back in hospital with an injury- how will he cope with baby, work, hoovering and you to care for if you do as he suggests?
Give him this thread to read
Get your HV round to put him straight
Any one can clean and nobody dies if it’s not done
You have a new important full time 24/7 rest of your life job with no training to master. You are on week 5 with the aim of nurturing a happy bonded baby.
In time you will all get used to it but it doesn’t happen overnight.
He is naive As all new parents are, but being kind is the key.
Parenthood slams into you and steals all of your time, the trick is accepting that and adapting.
It’s the only thing that is wonderful and shit at the same time

@MaryLisbon

My Aunt who would have been in her 90s now used to park the baby in a pram down the garden. A neighbour started a petition about her leaving the baby screaming. She probably had a pristine house but i know who i think has their priorities right. You, as you are prioritising your baby! Glad you have talked it through with your dh.

My mum did this with me.

All the jobs were done but I had, what I now know to be, attachment issues and still do to this day.

We are closer now, and she accepts that me holding and nuturing the kids was far more important than housework but that she felt she had to make sure everything was done. Her MIL and my father were not exactly supportive.....

Just seen your update - great stuff both of you - don’t put pressure on yourself, enjoy these exhausting but precious early days

That's sad Pyong