Am I lazy mum or does DH have too high expectations?

[Awjaysus]

My DH and I have just come to blows. We had our first baby 5 weeks ago. Lucky LO is a very easy baby, I had been bracing myself for a colicky or reflux baby. However is definitely living up to the fourth trimester theory and wants to be up in our arms and only settles for any stretch of time if I'm holding him.
My DH has been great, taking over housework and cooking duties and taking LO for a couple of hours in the morning so I get a solid 3 hours of sleep in a row. I'm not BF so we can share feeding. Tried and tried breastfeeding but it just didn't work out.
I had a particularly difficult c section which I'm just about recovered from, still painful when I over do it and my back is wrecked. Recently I've been having severe headaches which knock me out a bit but apart from that I'm physically perfectly capable of doing my share.
DH works shifts. Some of which are very long and overnight so Im on my own and incredibly tired by the time he comes home. I used to cook him dinner during a break in his shift but I haven't since baby has been born as I'm finding it hard to time everything properly around LO. I feel like Ive just finished feeding, burping, changing baby when the cycle starts again.
Anyway DH came home today after helping a friend with some work and the place was a mess. I'd been out getting essentials, shopping bags still in the pram, pram not put away, oven was heating up but dinner not yet in. LO and me where sitting on the couch watching TV after finishing a bottle and change. DH annoyed and after the pair of us giving each other the silent treatment he says "I've done fuck all" in the last 6 weeks. He is annoyed that he is doing everything and all I do is sit on the couch with the baby. He felt that when the place is a mess it's a slight on the work he puts into the house. He also feels I'm critical and not appreciative of what he does. Sometimes I have to point out if something is wrong, for example he bought the wrong powder the other day and I pointed it out to him, he told me to bring it back if I wasn't happy. I don't know how else I can express my appreciation, I thank him whenever he takes over at night /when he makes dinner etc. I'm incredibly hurt and haven't stopped crying. I thought I was doing a good job. I'm not the most organised at the best of times but I've been finding planning much harder with a newborn. DH thinks I should leave LO in the moses basket or bouncer and get on with things. But I don't want to let him cry just for housework. DH is usually so supportive and we are generally a team but he is so fed up with me. I think because I'm not breastfeeding he doesn't think I'm doing anything more than him and he is probably right. I don't know how to get past this or how to split the work more evenly.

I think dh phrased it perfectly when he had dd for a day when she was a couple of months old
"looking after a baby is easy, doing anything else while looking after a baby is a stupid expectation" he used a few choice swear words though 🤦‍♀️

Honestly, as others have said first priority is baby and surviving, housework is something I wouldn't think of right now. You're doing fine, I'm sure he will realise quite quickly that you can't do everything with such a small baby, and if he doesn't, tell him.

I’m fairly certain if my memory serves me correctly that you aren’t supposed to hoover, carry shopping, drive or do any heavy menial work for at least 6 weeks after a c section. You’ve had all your major abdominal muscles cut, you would be risking adhesions and hernias if you overdo it too quickly.

On the DH front, honestly life will be very different for some time to come yet! He needs to lower his standards and meet in the middle. As time goes by you will be able to do more and have a routine. Sulking and giving the silent treatment isn’t terrible mature and he needs to grow up, step up and stop moaning.

DD is seven months old and a Velcro baby - she only sleeps on me. DH has been made redundant and is at home all the time, so whilst I am the one settling DD and listening to her scream in my ear, he is the one making bottles in the background and bringing me tea while i let her nap on me for an hour.
We have both openly acknowledged our frustration at the other, I'm frustrated that he can do what he wants - if he wants a shower he can walk off and have one without checking DD is ok and looked after, he is frustrated that he has endless chores to get done while I have yet another lie down and he brings me tea. We both agree that we don't quite understand what the other does, but we also both know the other persons job is hard and we appreciate them for it.
It sounds like this is what you and your DH have to do. Both of you have a tireless job, I had no idea how restrictive a baby would be. Yes you can sit on the sofa for an hour but you can't just go and wee or get a cup of tea, and your DH doesn't understand that because until it is your life no one does! Likewise life must be endless chores for him and that must be exhausting too.
Both be kind to the other and talk about it, tell him how you feel (DH didn't really appreciate how hard my job was until he experienced it first hand whilst at home and I swanned off to the hairdresser for a three hour app a week ago) and swap
With him - let him have the baby for a few hours and you do some housework or something so you both get a feel
For what the other person is doing.
Also, at 6 weeks I didn't care about the house. I just cared about surviving (I had an EMCS) so cut yourself some slack on that front - both of you x

This is leaflet from the hospital I was given showing what you can and can’t do after a section.

Your husband is being unfair. major abdominal surgery and looking after a newborn - he is clueless.

Ask the HV to come over (or go to them) with your DH and explain how you are feeling and what your DH complained of. Let her rip him a new one. Some men need a professional to tell them they’re being assholes.

5 weeks?! You have had a C Section which is major surgery. In any other situation after major surgery you would be expected to rest - yet with a baby everything suddenly gets harder. Do you have family nearby or anyone else who can help?

I have a DH who is triggered by mess too - it can be really hard. But yours needs to know that the priority is that you heal and you keep your baby alive. Everything else will catch up later. Big hugs.

Your DH is being totally ridiculous.

Has he spent any time looking after your baby whilst you go out of the house? If not, can you go out for 8 hours and leave him to it? He may change his perspective!

Oh yes do what @GrumpyHoonMain said that’s an excellent idea. He definitely needs to hear it from someone else.

My DH used to say I was lazy and I have done every single bedtime since he was born OP - he's just turned 7yrs! I'm a SAHM and he works full time (wfh at the moment) - he stopped saying it after I told him (dozens of times) that you simply cannot compare running a house, cooking 3 meals a day, looking after a child to any job, it's incomparable! It's 24/7 for a start!
I was doing the housework 2 days after giving birth for his family's arrival - I was as upset as you!
Give it time - your baby will go through phases, they all do - my boy has always been a brilliant sleeper but never napped (he started napping at 2.5yrs!!) I was f-king knackered all the time - he also took around 2hrs to go down every night - I did it ALL. ALL nightfeeds, ALL night wake ups, but that's just how it fell into place and we managed to work it out. I think when you're out of the house all day, as in your DH's case, you come back and it's a shock seeing you sitting there surrounded by mess - if he was at home and he'd seen the day unfold, he'd have reacted differently and he would've seen that you hadn't stopped all day! They always seem to catch you when you're taking a break!!
Tiredness too will make you both snappy - good luck OP, you'll both settle into it soon enough - 5 weeks is VERY early days.

ah OP, it’s sad to read this and can tell from your posts how upset you are. Read all of these supportive posts and believe them. You are not a failure by any stretch. A baby is bloody hard work, even an easy baby and your first takes some getting used to.
Your husband is being unfair. Try and convert the upset you feel into indignation. You’re a new mum, doing her best and recovering from birth. Housework is not your priority and he needs to deal with that. Then get on with enjoying your little one.
Don’t worry, if he’s a good one he will get over this and realise he’s being unreasonable

Your baby is 5 weeks old - tbh you should barely be out of bed unless you want to! Your body has been through major trauma even without the c-section and you need to recover properly so you don’t do permanent damage. Also this is a really important bonding period for you and your baby, take all the time you need to lie in bed or on the sofa just cuddling and relaxing. Forget the bloody housework, it means nothing.

Try putting baby on you in a sling/wrap thingy. I cooked, hoovered, knitted,... with my son on me in the front.
Looking back, I had all the time in the world, it should have been so easy. Remembering it though is different: never enough sleep, never time for anything, etc.
Don't despair, 'clean where the priests dance' and compensate with humour.

Congratulations on your baby. Embrace the fourth trimester. Please please remember what you’ve been through so very recently, you’ve had a huge traumatic operation. Your back hurts. You had an entire human being come out of you 5 weeks ago. You really have to rest. You shouldn’t be going out shopping. You shouldn’t be hoovering or moving anything heavier than your baby. If you do you risk really hurting yourself. If you do that he’ll have to take time off work completely so someone can care for your shared baby.

He’s being an utter prick. Your recovery and the health, comfort and well being of you and your child should be his top priorities.

Do you know anyone else who’s had a baby or a CS? He should be listening to you, his wife, but if he won’t then maybe he’ll pay attention to someone else. Good idea above to involve your HV.

I’m so sorry, you really deserve so much better. It’s sad for him that mess affects his mental health. It’s very fucking dangerous for him to want you to risk your mental and fragile post surgery physical health so the house is a bit bloody tidier.

Try putting baby on you in a sling/wrap thingy. I cooked, hoovered, knitted,... with my son on me in the front.

Had you had a CS 5 short weeks earlier? Did you read the OP?

I’m a huge fan of a sling but at 5 weeks PP, recovering from a CS and with a bad back it’s a shit idea for OP at this point. She shouldn’t be hoovering with or without a sling!

Oh dear.

I can't quite tell - does he split the overnight with you 50:50? It sounds like he gives you 3 hours in the morning, but you do all the overnights?

If that's the case tell him he's on nights for the next week. Then next weekend he'll need to look after the baby all day as well as cooking dinner.

Bet he's not willing... but apparently this is something that should be easy for you??

I have only read your Op.
My blood pressure is rising.
You have had major surgery and you are looking after a baby.
In many cultures you would not be allowed to lift a finger.
Your husband is behaving dreadfully. You should be recuperating.
I am furious on your behalf.
Talk to your HV and ask her to speak to him.

If it is so easy and your baby is bottle fed then he can take a few days off work and do everything then can't he.

You have just grown a human inside you and had a c section. You could be doing untold damage internally by resuming all these household duties. I have had 2 sections, I was definitely not doing that much housework. You have been sliced open and a c section is classed as major surgery. If this was any other surgery you wouldn't have to do much but unfortunately a c section means there is a baby to look after.

I think he needs a wake up call. You are on maternity leave, that is the time for you to look after the baby and recover from your pregnancy, not become a 1950s housewife (and I say this as a SAHM for over 15 years)

If your Dh is bothered by the mess then he can either do it himself or pay for a cleaner/Mother's helper.

His expectations are way too high and he needs to be told they are. Stop running around shopping etc. Tell your HV preferably when he is there.

He needs to stop this shit now. You've been pregnant, had major surgery, and have a newborn to care for. Your hormones are all over the place. If he want the house spic and span, tell him to crack on. The baby is 5 wks old and he's complaining? Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Well he sounds like a catch!

I might expect these kind of ignorant comments from a DH 5 months in but 5 weeks into being a new mother after a c section!! His attitude is absolutely disgusting. You need to confide in a family member who can have a firm word with him asap. His job is to support you and your baby not put you down and make it harder than it needs to be. I’m sure you’re doing a great job - babies need and appreciate loads of cuddles and being a new mum is really really hard.

You're doing fine. It's been 5 weeks which is nothing. If he can't cope with looking after the house for a few weeks while his partner recovers from surgery then he needs a word with himself.

I'm slightly concerned by your first sentence OP. I'm hoping that things didn't actually get physical.

this is so sad.
In my ex's culture you would have not been expected to do ANYTHING for 40 days. and thats not even taking into account the C section.
40 days to stay in bed with your little one, and have the women of the family protect you, cook all the meals, do the housework, and make sure your husband didnt pester you.

your husband is being totally unreasonable

"You think I am not pulling my weight? When you have nutured this baby, on your own, for nine months, then had major surgery and then spent 6 weeks recovering....THEN we will talk about who is pulling their weight"