The March-ers 2019 - Baby Talk #1

[Angelmiracle]

Congratulations to all the mamas with their new babies 🌸

Now the fun really starts 😄

@toastfiend - baby boy - 28/01/2019
@TheWanderlust - Baby girl - Althea - 7lb6oz - 16/02/2019
@PurpleFlower1983 - Baby girl - Matilda - 17/02/2019
@Wineandchoccy - Baby girl - Lois - 6lb12oz - 19/02/2019
@Harley8888 - Baby boy- Logan - 7lb4oz - 01/03/2019

@BadBadBeans @AssumeItWasSomethingClever my mum keeps saying to me, 'You don't remember anything about when your sister was born so you? So don't worry about what DD1 remembers about this.' This always makes me think that, a) it was awful when my sister was born and b) I don't need to worry too much about DD2 being permanently scarred

Just seen your post @Jenlou1992 good idea to call the midwife and see what support you can get. We're all here for you if you need to talk!

@AssumeItWasSomethingClever I had a horrible long labour ending in forceps with dd1 and I just remember feeling relief once she was born and just wanted to sleep and felt awful for not wanting to hold her.

@Jenlou1992 hope you can get some support from your midwife x

@Jenlou1992 I'm sorry it's taken me this long to pick up your message and reply. One of the other Mummas tagged me as I am exclusively formula feeding.

Firstly, do not beat yourself up in anyway whatsoever. It's a wonderful thing that you've been able to breastfeed at all. It really is a skill and not as easy as everyone makes out. I have so much admiration for all the mums on here who have been able to do it, especially to persevere with it in spite of the many issues I've read some have been having. Sore/cracked nipples, lack of sleep, cluster feeding, lack of supply etc. You're all heroes to me. I made a decision very early after labour to go straight to the bottle as the little man wouldn't latch on and showed not much sign of doing so early on. In hindsight, the drugs and comedown from labour probably affected this and perhaps if I'd persevered he would have taken well to it. Also, having a cut and severe tears which required ALOT of painkillers for me just to be able to function and deal with baby, breastfeeding would have been questionable So, for both our sakes and as I knew I wanted dad to have more of an involvement with feeding from the outset, I took away any indecision there and then.

As for formula feeding practicalities, make sure you have

Bottles (I have at least 8 a day sterilised)

Steriliser if you need one (I use MAM bottles which you can sterilise individually in a microwave so we've not needed a steriliser)

Formula - as one of the other mums said, the core ingredients are effectively the same. I use C&G. There was no rhyme or reason why I chose it, I think simply because I picked up those particular starter bottles in the supermarket for my hospital bag and so stuck to using it once home.

Ready made formula - if you use a brand such as C&G/SMA/Aptimil, ready made formulas are great for your change bag when out and about and saves having to worry about making it up.

Bottle brushes for cleaning.

Formula pots - for us, we measure out the formula into these pots each day purely for speed.

Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep Machine - for us, this is invaluable and gives you perfect temperature in 2 minutes. Definitely a piece of kit worth investing in my opinion.

There is a guide on the formula boxes as to how much baby may feed or need. We go by the measurements but generally baby will tell us how much he wants.

As everyone else on here has said and it's so true, a happy mum and a happy well fed baby is what it's about. Whether it be by bottle or boob. I wouldn't say I've got the bottle feeding down pat but it has given us some form of routine early on and allows for me and the OH to share the load and for us both to get some much needed sleep. Don't underestimate how sleep deprivation can make you feel, everything feels a million times harder and that's normal.

Hope you're feeling better than you were, we are all here xxxx

@ballanj thank you so so much . Everyone on here has made me feel s9 much better. My cousin is a midwife and I told her how I was feeling and she just immediately said stop that it's not worth ruining my experience over . I am going to Wales today to my friends caravan for the night . I have brought with me some made up aptamil bottles and I will be doing both breast and formula whilst I'm here as I want to slowly ween her onto it . For the same of my boobs and her tummy . I've attatched a picture of my rose . She is 3 weeks old today . Hope everyone enjoys the bank holiday weekend . Lovely weather where I am in Manchester xxx

Thanks everyone for your responses. Although I'm sorry you've had tough births I'm so glad I'm not alone!

@MistakenHoliday thank you (and your mum) for that point about not remembering when siblings were born. I'm the last child myself so don't have any experience of it but I've never heard my brother mention remembering me being born. Definitely makes me feel better for all the shouting I've been doing at poor DS1.

@AssumeItWasSomethingClever I'm a bit late but joining the gang who didn't feel the rush of love. DS1s labour was perfectly "normal" but tiring and I just remember holding him after and thinking that I'd have to wake myself up a bit or I'd drop him. When I told my MIL I had PND when he was about 8 or 10 weeks old, she gave me an article from a magazine she'd been reading where Holly Willoughby said she hadn't had that rush of love and so many mums felt guilty about it. It made me feel better knowing others were the same. I didn't feel it with DS2 either but I fell in love with him much quicker and so strongly, it actually makes me feel guilty now that I clearly didn't love DS1 as fast or as strongly, from what I remember. I never doubted I loved him but feel I love DS2 more, probably because it's been easier this time and I'm in a better place. Just to let you know that it's possible to feel better with future babies and not to let your experiences this time put you off of doing it again (if you want to!)

@Jenlou1992 Rose is gorgeous! X

@Jenlou1992 Rose is beautiful! I'm glad you're feeling a little better having offloaded to your cousin. So right, it's definitely not worth ruining your first days of motherhood for. Good shout on bringing in the formula gradually too. It will be a new routine and you will get there in the end. A change of scene for the bank holiday sounds like just what you all need! Let us know how you get on xxx

@Jenlou1992 Rose is beautiful enjoy your night away. The weather is gorgeous especially for oop north

Sorry to those struggling. Am reading but not really in a way to help much at the moment

@AssumeItWasSomethingClever having gone back and read through our feed properly, I'm another one who can definitely resonate with the 'less than immediate rush of love' feelings that have been discussed on here.

For me, I had a very textbook pregnancy and labour. Other than a cut and tear, no other traumas that could have been said to be reason for not having that immediate 'rush'. I remember my first feeling when Charlie was placed on my stomach after labour as being 'oh my God'. I think the next couple of days after labour were very much on autopilot and adrenaline. We had lots of visitors very soon after his birth and thinking back now, I wish the three of us had more time as a family unit to digest this life change. It was only after the immediate flurry of visitors, once all the midwife/health visitor appointments had been completed and once my OH had gone back to work that I suddenly found myself thinking 'I've got to now get to know my son, how do I feel about all of this'. The early days have been so hard at times and it does make you question your feelings. And in all honesty, at the very start I did think to myself more than once 'it's so hard and means I'm not enjoying this at all because it's so hard. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, how can I do this forever?'

I think it's also down to having the confidence to trust in your own abilities. I remember going to a relatives baby shower with my MIL and not wanting to drive with my son for the first time with her in the car, for fear of being judged because she's not seen my drive before! And even just having to look after Charlie and change/feed him in front of people, I remember feeling very on display and like others might be assessing what I was doing. Which is ridiculous now to think, but was very Koch how I felt!

So for me, I think those emotions more than anything stood in the way of my feeling this 'rush' of love. It wasn't a rush, it was very gradual and we are still getting to know one another so will continue to be so. And I know now that's okay to have the love keep building.

Hope everyone is surviving motherhood. Sorry to hear some of you are finding things tough.

Just seen about the breast vs formula feeding thing. BF just didn’t work for us sadly despite my best efforts for 3 weeks. Baby just would not latch, nipple shields affected my milk supply massively. Cracked nips, blocked ducts and then bleeding and passing clots were just some of the issues. I can only express 10mls from one breast and have given in to the fact that this is just not working. Baby is happy as larry on formula, he is a proper guzzler. I felt so upset and like a failure for days (and still do a bit tbh) due to this but my baby is absolutely fine and is fed and content. I have definitely been analysing the way in which BF is promoted and I think (my opinion) that the breast is best tagline simply sets women up to fail when there is limited BF support, the support given can be questionable at times and there is no continuity of care. I also believe that had I not given formula to start (baby lost over 10% of his weight) or was supported in how to give formula top up but keep milk supply up, the outcome for us may have been different. While I’m on my soapbox, I also think the advice to have a “babymoon”, stay in bed and express milk is completely unrealistic. I found trying to BF, topping up, winding, changing baby, settling baby - then thinking about pumping just too much. Fair play to anyone doing this but I couldn’t burn the candle both ends, could feel my mental health taking a hit. Ideally you would have help but not all of us have this support.

In a nutshell, you do what is best for yourself and your baby. Feeding is one aspect of care and there are so many other important things we do as mums, think we give ourselves such a hard time.

Okay, I need some 'am I being unreasonable' opinions here!

DH is going off to a barbeque in a different city this afternoon with his friends, drinking and staying overnight. This leaves me with the baby and our toddler. He has asked his dad to look after the toddler overnight so that I don't get caught out if toddler wakes up while I am feeding the baby.

I rarely if ever stop DH from doing what he wants to do but on this occasion I have expressly asked him not to stay overnight. Reasons being that I am still struggling with feeding and am feeling quite depressed on and off, and the depressed feeling is much worse after a bad night. He knows all of this and has decided to stay away anyway. He has compared it to me seeing my friend the other weekend, which is ludicrous because a) my friend came here, and b) while she was here she and I had both the children while DH got on with things he wanted to do.

Obviously it won't kill me to have him away for an afternoon, day and a morning. Especially as Grandpa has offered to help. But I think it is taking the piss when I am utterly exhausted and emotionally fragile and could do with my husband's support. What do you guys think? Would you be okay with your partner doing this for a jolly when baby is 5 weeks old?

Should add that Nanny and Grandpa will be on hand during the days as well although it is going to restrict what they can get on with if they have to look after our toddler.

Another question - I still have cracked nipples 5 weeks in. Anyone else in this position? Is it normal or should i be seeking help?

@Sictransitgloria totally agree 👏🏼 I only breastfed for two days and then moved onto formula, was in hospital with a poorly me and poorly baby and one midwifes assistant said 'oh that's such a shame as we all know breast is best' - I was fuming. Baby was having IV antibiotics twice daily, lumber punctures, injections into his muscles! What was and is important is a fed and happy baby and a somewhat sane mum. The HV was really great about it although she did say if I start to feel any feelings of guilt to give her a ring as I did want to breastfed but 25 days later and I still feel good about the decision! Plus DP can and does do a lot of the feeds which is great

@BadBadBeans no I wouldn't be happy about this. Especially as you've told him how you're feeling and asked him not to stay overnight. My DS is 3.5 weeks old and he still seems brand new to me, I really rely on DPs support and presence! Don't really know what advice to offer except to talk to him again and explain again how you're feeling, not that you should have to! Sending you ++

@caseofellen omg yes, absolutely godsend to be able to have a nap while partner feeds baby!

@badbadbeans not ok for him to do this. My partner is an avid cyclist, he hasn’t gone away overnight but he does go out for the day and he always asks me if I need him to stay. You have told your husband you need him, he should prioritise you and the kids really. Don’t really know how you can make it any more obvious to him than what you have already done but you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

It would be a Not a chance from me @badbadbeans - to be honest he wouldn't be going in the first place bar a couple of hours maybe! There will be plenty of opportunities once baby is bigger I am sure, and this coming from the person who hasn't got those opportunities any more with her Mum!

I have cracked nipples too (and that's using shields too). Tongue tie cut has improved her latch but still not comfortable yet

@Sictransitgloria I also now formula feed and couldn't agree more with what you've said!

@BadBadBeans no chance would I be ok with this!
I feel like it's ok for them to just go ahead and do what they like. We can't do that with having a newborn to look after so why should they be able to.
You've told him how your feeling so he should be there for you!

@BadBadBeans I'm in a similar position to you this weekend! DH is off to his parents for a family do and will be staying two nights. DD2 is 5 weeks and DD1 is 4yrs.

I guess the difference is that I'm happy with him going, and could have gone too but chose not to. I also know I can put DD1 in bed with me and she'll sleep right through the night so I don't have that added pressure. I've got things planned for the next couple of days so we'll be busy and I - touch wood - have a baby who is pretty chilled out and sleeps really well.

It's not fair that your DH is still going even though you've told him you need need him, so you not being unreasonable at all!

@BadBadBeans I'm with all the mums who commented already. Your DH is being selfish and expects you to just be OK with it? Also, wtf is going on with that comparison to your catch up with a friend?! Maybe I'm being unreasonable here, but I think at least for the first 6 weeks it's my time to be selfish and I'm lucky that my husband isn't really contradicting that and is happy to accept if I ask him to stay at home for support (including when he wants to do some overtime). And I only have one child to worry about.
Honestly, I'm quite angry on your behalf!

@BadBadBeans I'm with everyone else, it'd be ok if you were happy with it but he should definitely have to check with you at the moment and not go or stay overnight if you're not happy. To be honest I'd be annoyed at him going at all at the moment and I'm angry on your behalf too. If you're struggling, it's up to your husband to help pick you up and make you better, either by being there for you or doing the things around the house that you can't while you have baby.

@CaseofEllen I'm also annoyed on your behalf with the "breast is best" midwife. It's one thing to say it as advice during pregnancy or when trying to breastfeed but definitely not once you're using formula, as if that wouldn't make you upset!

@BadBadBeans I would be ok with him going if I felt ok but you are struggling so he shouldn’t go in my opinion.
My DH was away last week as he had tickets to an event which had been booked over a year and I was happy for him to go. It was hard at dd1 bedtime but I put Lois in the sling and we survived just about.