March '13 - The One With The Babax

[Plonkysaurus]

New thread , and I can assure you all, it'll be a corker.

Neither Fartypants nor I can tell if it's bum or breakfast time today. She woke up at 7.45 New time, which is right when I expected. Hasn't had a nap today. Normally on a no nap day it's tea at half four and bed at six. But she's still operating on old time, so will be expecting tea at 5.30 new time and bed at 7 new time. But she's knackered, currently on the sofa under a blanket with dummy and Zebra watching Andy and Kip and not wriggling (a state normally reserved for unconsciousness), and I'm not sure if she can last another two and a half hours. But if I put her to bed at 6pm new time, her internal clock will think it's 5pm. I've never put her to bed that early. I've a horrible feeling it wouldn't be tremendously successful: either she'll wake up full of beans at 8pm, or she'll be waking up at 5am.

We're in a similar state Stormy. Madam has a fairly late nap yesterday after lunch got delayed and so we couldn't get her to sleep last night until 8.20 (usually asleep by 7.15 latest) and she didn't wake up until 7.55 this morning so really she was just still on old time. Today she's had a rubbish 20min car nap only and is exhausted so hopefully that'll be enough to get her back to normal but who the hell knows!

We seem to have averted the BST crisis by ds having a leaky nappy at 3am. The middle of the night bed making, nappy changing and milk delivering meant we all slept till 8 ish, new time. Naps have had to be forcefully, er, enforced since.

Stormy what happened with dd's bedtime in the end?

Ds has decided that noodles ate called noonoos. It's the cutest thing! Especially as we have a family wagamama habit. So proud.

eco I quite like the book "toddler calm" which helped us find a parenting approach that suits us with gentle discipline. usually when a tantrum starts to build, we explain the situation to DD and then sit with her letting her know we are there to help if she needs us too. We sort of do the "time in" approach. To be honest we have never really experienced a full blown tantrum because that approach seems to diffuse her quickly. We we getting a lot of "no no no" for a while to everything - to deal wiith that we give her choices whenever possible e.g. do you want to wear red coat or blue coat or alternatively ask her to tell us when she is ready to do something and she usually complies within a short while. That's not to say we don't have some bad days but I usually. Fine that she is tired that day and I'm projecting my own tiredness! Adapting our plans to a nice quiet day usually solves that!

Ah, choices! Sometimes it's a marvellous strategy. Sometimes it just makes Fartypants howl. Especially when she ties herself in knots trying to work out what she wants. I suspect it's a strategy that works best once a certain degree of language comprehension is reached; not very effective when they don't quite grasp what the options are.

Went for 7pm bedtime, it was half past by the time I came back downstairs (after reading both Rastamouse books complete with silly voices). Her body clock said 6.30 which is in the bedtime zone, so fingers crossed.

I think for us what has worked the best is giving DD choices over as many things as possible and not just when we want her to do something so for example every day she selects what she will wear, what she has for breakfast - when she has breakfast, when and what she has for snacks and if there is nothing we need to go out for then whether she wants to stay in and play or go outside - all these choices are made within sensible remits of course and out a limited initial offering. But handing DD that control in as many situations as possible seems to have helped a lot with regulating her big emotions.

That's a very amiable approach Rainbow. I try to give ds some choice over some things but I suppose I'm old fashioned in that I expect children to occupy a certain role in the family. So he can choose what he has for breakfast, and which t-shirt he wears, but he cannot choose to go out whenever the mood takes him because we personally feel that he needs to recognise that it's not all about him, but it can be sometimes. It's a really hard balance to strike sometimes, which he's begging to go to the park at 5 pm in the rain and I've got dinner on and work to do, so we always try for compromise.

God I'm starving. I feel like all I do right now is eat and sleep. it's just such a magical time

Amiable = admirable. Really ought to start proofing for auto corrections.

Ladies, I've come back for some (rather long-winded) problem advice...

My dad moved into a horrible hole of a flat in 1989 after my parents divorced, and has been there ever since, even though it was supposedly temporary.

He didn't contribute financially to my upbringing, and has always been in debt because he was determined to hold on to his graphic design business even though it wasn't worth anything. The result is him being on a state pension and now his health is failing.

The flat has lots of stairs, dodgy electrics, no central heating or double glazing, and one bedroom is so mouldy it's uninhabitable, but the landlords are a charitable trust who've never done the regulatory safety checks.

They're now evicting him to do the place up and rent it out for a lot more money. Their solicitor hasn't responded to his, and now they've issued a court summons which he now has to pay for (£350). He's convinced the press will want the story, and that because of the dodgy electrics etc they'll end up in trouble, but I just don't know if he has any comeback.

He's a hoarder and the place is crammed full of shit. He's convinced he'll end up in a bedsit and not have all his things around him, and he'll lose his life (which consists of some old friends he plays skittles with and his beloved Mac which he says he can't survive without). In his head it's either he gets to stay or it's the end of the world. He won't consider moving to another nearby village, and he won't put anything in storage either. A lot of the stuff he's just bought from charity shops, so it's not even of sentimental value.

As much as I want to tell him it's his own fault for not making any plans for later life, I can't bring myself to. I am however getting really sick of hearing him moaning instead of looking into other options. I lost my entire house and all my belongings in a fire, and he couldn't have been more unsupportive. It made me realise that most of what we accrue over the years is rubbish.

There wasn't a room for me to stay in at his when I was a child, and now he has a grandson I'd hoped he'd want to be somewhere safer so he could spend time with him, but this just doesn't seem to have occurred to him at all.

Does anyone know what the options are for a pensioner being kicked out of his home? Any advice would help - I'm all out of ideas!

No ideas from me, but nice to see you back, AlbaLeni. How's that boy of yours getting on?

I've just had a two toddler morning while my brother was at the doctor's. Littlest niece was as good as gold, although we are having some Sharing Issues that I hope nursery will help with. Meanwhile, DBro is the first of us to lose the genetic lottery, though thankfully not the big one: diagnosed with arthritis at thirty one. Sucks.

plonky totally agree it's about compromise and DD doesn't get the freedom to go out whenever she wants of course but during the daytime hours of free play she can play inside or out as she chooses. For us it's not about having no boundaries but about giving DD control over certain things as toddlers really have very little control over their lives and emotions in general. DD comprehension is very good though in that she understands everything pretty much on a day to day basis so it seems to work well with her. She is very stubborn too but if she feels she can direct some of the action we rarely get into a battle of wills situation! I should also add that I am generally and extremely patient person and generally keep our diaries as empty as possible and fluid so we can go with the flow as our mood takes us! I also work pretty much full time so of course there is a balance with where we each fit in the family.

alba sorry no advice but nice too hear from you!

Alba hi. What a tricky situation. While being a charity doesn't exempt you from being a landlord and all that legally entails I don't know whether it itself would be enough to stop what's happenig from going ahead. Have you considered posting this in legal for some more educated opinions? Happy birthday to that gorgeous boy of yours.

I owe lots of birthday wishes! Although the cake wasn't made by me - the non-egg cake we had last year was like concrete.

DS is full sentences now, which is weird and amazing...

Hi everyone.

It is all very quiet here.

Happy belated birthday albatoddle. Sorry I don't have any advice to help you.

I handed in my notice today. I feel relieved and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Going back to work after maternity leave has been very very hard. I thought going back part time was a good move but it wasn't I was doing a full time job in part time hours.

In other news ds has dropped the dummy during naps at nursery now I feel compelled to do this at home too. I may start tonight but he has already asked for it and too exhausted to say no and distract. I will see if he will give it to me just as I put him to sleep.

Wow Yummy, that's some pretty serious shiz. How long's the notice period? Do you have any plans to look for other work or are you hoping to stay at home?

Quite jealous of your ds stopping the dummy for nursery naps! We've had to get really strict in the last fortnight as ds was just having his constantly. I think we're a long way off convincing him to give it up.

The notice period is 8 weeks. I have no idea what I am going to do. I will work but may take a bit of a break to really think about whether I still want to be in social work. I'm burnt out and need a break from it all.

Ds pretty much does anything for the nursery workers without much fuss, at home is a different matter.

Oh wow Yummy, how exciting for you. Here's to a new start, and better work life balance

Alba Hi there! Sorry about your dad, it sounds like a very difficult situation for him. Unfortunately, his rights depend on his tenancy agreement, which is likely to be an AST, and that would not provide him with an indefinite right to remain. His best option is to get legal advice. As for whether the papers would be interested, my cynical take on that is that they probably would if the LL was a Tory MP, or buy-to-let fat cat. A charitable trust would be less of a headline... but who knows, I'm no journalist. Good luck, I hope it works out for him, and you.

Tantrum aversion - I use a mixture of tactics from distraction, to discussion, and a version of timeout i.e. I set her down, and walk away for a few paces with my back to her. It works, she always runs to me crying, says sorry, and gets a hug. We also give choices for small things, like which top or bib she is going to wear. She loves that. Unfortunately her favourite bibs are always those usually worn by Babax. The triangular stripy ones look great. The blue 'Daddy's boy' ones, less so.

DH's birthday today, but he is at the hotel, so not much by way of celebration happening here. The staff brought him a sausage sandwich with a candle on for breakfast though, so he can't complain . Google came up with a fairly good present for him in the end. Some very ancient maps, prints and books of the area the hotel is in, dating back to 1890s. He loves stuff like that. Odd bloke

It's the nanny's last week next week which is terrifying. My mind is busy with survival tactics for the nights when I'm alone, and they both wake up. Last night would have been tough without help as the toddle woke at 2.40am, and didn't settle until 4.40am (bad cold), Babax did 3 night feeds, and had I not had help settling him I would have started the day on zero hours sleep. Zero hours sleep is not good. It is worse than not good. It is terrible!

Yummy congrats on making a decision about work. It really was getting you down wasn't it? A job's supposed to facilitate your life, not leave you hating it.

Worse I'm sure you'll find ways to cope with two of them by yourself. It may be exhausting and stressful, but you will find your way through. And always remember it could be worse: Babax could have been triplets.

This morning I'm trying to think through the logistics of seeing the doctor about my head while on sole parenting duty. It's awkward.

Good to see you Worse. I Was wondering how the breastfeeding hives were yesterday. Under control I hope. I also agree with Stormy, of course it'll be hard, some days more than others, but you will find ways to cope.

Yummy yep work to live not live to work and all that. It sounds like you felt you had no choice. Two months is a long time to decide your next move though, so no need to rush. I love that just-handed-notice-in feeling. Like a weight is lifted.

Stormy hope you're ok. I'd take a bag full of books and toys and simply get on with it. Ds accompanied me to a smear, and it was fine. Though I recall that Betty's recent experience involved a slightly more velcro approach. If you get a good Dr without a full waiting room they may even let her play with a stethoscope.

DH is on annual leave today so we're talking the toddle to nursery and I'm print in a half day. And then we're going out for tapas. I just hope I can eat! Feels very frivolous to have a date on a Thursday lunch time. Best get dressed and take the small person out.

Thank god for local family. Doctor at 10am, Dad giving me a lift there then taking Fartypants to his until I'm done. Now for the fun part where I get to cry all over an HCP.

What's going on with your head stormy love?

Ah stormy what's up? Is it a migrane? Being ill and looking after a toddler is a tough one. I was going to suggest you ask your dad to look after her.

worse I have discovered olbas oil for those difficult nights with a toddler full of cold. It really is amazing and relaxing. It even helped ds sleep with a bad cough. Happy birthday to your dh. That sounds like a great present. I love history. I so wish someone would develop a time machine. I would be first in the queue. When the nanny leaves you will somehow develop your own routine and learn to love cbeebies even more.

plonky look at you on a lunch date with dh. Enjoy every moment of each others company, you will miss it when baby number 2 comes along.

PTSD flare up. Not a great deal of fun. I now have anti anxiety meds and a referral for CBT, and what felt like a lecture about how only war veterans have proper PTSD.

I wish I was going on a lunch date too. It's such a beautiful day, and such a beer garden coloured sky.

stormy I really hope you don't wait too long for CBT. I know the waiting lists can be really long in some areas. Ignore the GP some GP have very little knowledge on mental health.

We have had zero success on the no dummy and potty training today. He refused to sleep without the dummy and ran away from the toilet. This next stage of parenting is sooo fun.

Stormy attitudes like that make me on your behalf. It was very unprofessional, uneducated and unkind of your GP to insinuate such a thing. I hope you've let it wash over you and not taken it to heart.

I've had my own (very minor) meltdown tonight and cried all over the nanny. Poor woman! I'm just tired of being tired, and sick, and run down, and not being able to just revel in the whole newborn phase because DH is away, so the toddle needs me full time, and Babax is with the nanny. What I want most of all is to spend a whole day just cuddling him and sniffing his head. What I get is rushed feeding times, while the toddle climbs all over me pokes him in the eye in her eagerness to help. She so wants to help, it's sweet, but it also a hassle.

So today I'm miserable because DH has been away for week, the toddle has tonsillitis so isn't eating, is waking at night and fractious during the day, I have a chest infection, no time to schedule a physio appointment for the diastasis which has got so bad my back is now giving up, the hives come back if I forget to take the antihistamine (which I keep doing, because I'm tired), and to add insult to injury I have retained products again.

But

DH is back tonight, so tomorrow I can hand the Toddle over and just hold Babax. I feel like he doesn't even know I'm his mum. I watch him sleeping on the nanny's shoulder while I'm flat out doing everything else and I want to cry.

So Plonky, Shattered the one thing you really really need to sort out with your DHs is that when tiny2 arrives they will not work away for at least the first 2 months. If you sort that honestly it'll be fine.