Elderberries no 2 - all old and new berry babies welcome!

[HazleNutt]

New thread!

Alex your in laws sound just like mine and quite frankly I don't think you need to put up with this shit! With mine I didn't have any confrontation but made a conscious effort to see them less and less. It helps that they are up north, but I don't call them anymore (dh never did it was always me) and we have not been there since October. They came down a few times but only when I invite them. And any crap she says I just ignore. It now gives me great pleasure to see she is missing stuff and feels like she doesn't see L enough (she told sil this). Well if she kept her mouth shut she would not be in this situation!! Could you not do something similar?

Oh Alex They drive me mad on your behalf. I think that your DSIL may well count "sleeping through" as leaving her baby to cry alone at night. But that's not sleeping through is it, it's leaving a baby to cry?!

I can confirm that Alex's MIL is a bit of a PITA. At her baby shower she spent ages telling me that she couldn't believe M wasn't sleeping through (we were mid 4 month regression at that point, I think just coming out of it so down to 1-2 wakes a night) and that ALL babies are usually sleeping through by then, she'd never heard of a baby still waking at that age, what was I doing wrong? As she's not MIL I only had to hear it once so it didn't bother me in the slightest as I could just ignore, but would have been soooooo hard if my MIL was like that. Feel very lucky that she's not!

Can you ask your DH to go for a coffee with her and have a word? It's not fair and frankly it will just make you dread going round there and want to avoid her, which is kind of the worst of everything?

Lol - Alex's MIL lives literally around the corner so your perfect solution wouldn't work for her...

Bit disappointed as M woke at 5.45 this morning, rather than his usual 7-8am. Couldn't understand why so went in, poor lad was soaked - nappy had leaked everywhere! He's currently snuggled up with me in just (a clean) nappy, so I guess him waking up has it's benefits!

Quod - how's W doing? Still getting upset? Hoping it's a phase that will pass pretty quickly...

DH has asked me a few times to try and see more of MIL and build a stronger relationship. MIL see loads of SIL and their kids and babysits ALL the time, and I've pointed out she doesn't stop by and see S or call me, but DH wants me to be the bigger person and make more effort. It's a shame as you'd think she'd want to see S loads like my mum does. I'm not sure what the issues are exactly and think maybe it's just built over the years but it's doubly hard as it's a shame to feel like I'm having to make an effort and also then getting upset by criticism!

We all do things differently - SIL said S should be sleeping through the night, none of her 3 had any regressions, I shouldn't go to her if she cries (even though she'd only woken once the night before and was hungry!). However her kids including a 2 year old were allowed up until gone 11pm last night. Someone else would criticise her for that I'm sure. So I think generally only give advice if it's actually asked for!

Well forgive me for being blunt but you're dh is the one who needs to put a stop on it in my opinion. None of this being the bigger person bollocks! I think he needs to talk to her and ask her to keep her mouth shut. Say she is upsetting you with her criticism. This whole thing is hard enough - I don't think we have time to be bigger people.
Luckily for me my dh is not too bothered with his mum anyway and so is quite happy to see her less. He has never told her she upset me though but in my case I think she got the message!

I kind of agree with Lol, Alex. If DH has a problem with how much you spend time with MIL, then DH has to address MIL's criticising behaviour. Why is it you who should make all the concessions and suck it all up? Does DH see the problem? You're a better person than I am - I would have said something very rude blunt by now.

W had a bit of a better day yesterday, helped by 2 very decent naps I think. But we had a rubbish night - she wouldn't sleep unless she was snuggled up to me for some reason. Usually I can feed her back to sleep and then just shift her back into her babybay and she barely stirs, but last night she woke up and cried every time. And then she woke at 7am soaked through, I guess because she'd had so many feeds in the night.

Oh Alex poor you! At least I only have to tolerate see my Mum a few times a year. Your MIL sounds awful! For a start, are her views that all babies sleep through by S's age based entirely on your SIL, who sounds like she has been lucky enough to have easy babies, or has let them CIO at a young age? It is widely acknowledged by the masses that babies wake up at night! Even though it's not your nature I think you need a bank of assertive come-backs to her common criticisms so you can shoot her down every time she fires a jellyfish at you. This should either shut her up or make her see you as rude, which can only result in less criticism or you having to see less of her, which sounds like a win win situation to me. If her nature is to be a know-it-all then her criticism will not dry up when S sleeps through or you finish BFing, she will just find another subject. You don't want to spend your whole life gritting your teeth so best to do it now.

I find it hard to make points clearly when I'm worried about causing tension, for DH's and S's sake, and it's hard when anything you say relating to medical advice or research is just met with eye rolling. I also don't want to get into defending things - for example it's hard to defend a choice to bf to people who ff, without it becoming a debate on negatives vs positives - ultimately it's a personal choice for people who are are lucky enough to be able to choose. It frustrates me when people say ff would help with sleep as that isn't always the case from what I hear so surely then I'd just be giving up something I'm happy doing for no reason?!

Also if I'm happy with one short wake up at 3am (which I was so thrilled with) why would anyone try and make it sound like such a bad night?! I found that baffling!

S just had her third set of jabs, the nurse said she felt terrible because S thought she was playing and wouldn't stop giggling and chatting - until the big needle got stuck in!

Oh good lord, she's managed to figure out how to turn on the annoying musical toy, I'm hoping it was a fluke or I'm going to have to start taking the batteries out of it

Alex - try to just ignore MILs criticism, I try to let it all wash over me and I've got MIL and Mum at it and I'm actually bloody living with one of them so it's constant. I'm pretty good at just smiling and thinking 'yeah yeah, whatever' to myself but every now and then I snap 'well I could agree with you but then we'd both be wrong'. Childish but very satisfying!

Alex have you tried, "Would you mind if we change the subject?" rather than trying to defend yourself? It's polite but gets the point across that you are not willing to engage with her about it and you can repeat as necessary if she carries on.

I really do try and move conversations on but I let myself down last night and reacted and let it offend me. So weird as S had arrived in a good mood, gone to bed upstairs at her bedtime, I had a bottle expressed so I could have a glass of wine and I'd had a good sleep the night before. From the outside you'd think I'd seem like the perfect mother on a good day like that but noooo....

I even get criticised for having spritzers to make sure I don't drink too much - "don't you think that just ruins the taste of the wine?" It's a fiver a bottle!

Oh Alex you are a much nicer and better person than I am!!! I agree with cav though - she will just find something else in the future so you need to address it now or you will face a life sentence of criticisms!!!

Why not go with something like "id rather not discuss my choices if you don't mind" or "I'm comfortable I am doing what is best for my baby so thank you for your input but on this occasion I will do it differently". Or if you feel brave after a few glasses of wine "oh just fuck off will you!"

'Oh Just fuck off will you!'

I'd go with this one except I wouldn't be brave enough if it was my MIL though I've said it to my mum a few times

I've had to knock my MiL into line as she was anti me not bfing but I told her H wouldnt benefit from having an unhappy mum, I had to tell her again and again that the best thing for H was me to be happy and feel able to look after him to the best of my ability. I'm a bit of a bitch though so she's learnt not to mess with me now

I'm having issues with my rolly child. He has decided that he wants to sleep on his side, my fault as that is how he slept in our room, but keeps rolling too far onto his front in his sleep. In his sleepy state he cant work out what is wrong or how to roll back so whinges and whines until he wakes himself up and crys. Last night I rolled a blanket up and he slept hugging it which stopped him rolling too far. Yay I thought, success, alas turns out his nappy leaks if he lays on his side too long Hoping we just need to move up to size 4 as my poor little guy was soaked this morning, through his babygrow and his sleepsuit. He is in size 4 tonight so fingers crossed.

Shall we swap MILs mother mine would approve of you ff. We can't win can we?!

After a lovely day with our NCT girls in my garden yesterday, S slept 7-7 with one wake up short feed at 3am again AND she self settled from eyes wide open when I put her back down! Absolutely thrilled

S is still squashed in her sleepyhead so can't roll at night yet but as she likes her new skill of rolling, I bet she gets herself into trouble when she has more room. She gets upset and frustrated when she's face planted and can't roll back well yet.

S just rolled all the way round as if to say "actually mummy I can do it well"

Wow Alex, we don't have rolling at all yet, despite a few early experiments. We do have feet in mouth now though which is funny.

S is early doing it according to friends which at first secretly made me feel like one of those annoying smug mums whose baby did something quite early UNTIL I realised it means I can't just plonk her on her playmat and relax! She's trying to do little crawl movements with her knees too eek! I'm not ready to chase her around and baby proof the house just yet

Quod I wouldn't worry, Miles rolled twice at four months, and did it from front to back (apparently harder?!) but didn't seen to like it much so didn't do it again. Then he did NOTHING again until exactly six months, when one day he just started rolling all the way from one side of the room to the other and was pulling himself to standing very shortly afterwards. They all do things at different times and it has no bearing on their abilities later in life. As Alex says enjoy it, M is a bloody nightmare much more demanding now he's cruising all over the house...

Rolling is a pita quod, wish H was less mobile than he is. Changing is bum is like wrestling an octopus, I often have to try and fasten it with him on his tummy. He's a menace!

babysitters family is here and V absolutely loves all the attention.
Quite interestingly, no magical baby memories here, my mum and aunt are both saying what a good baby V is and how their own kids (well, except me of course) were nowhere as easy.

I was a satan baby - didnt sleep through till 18 months - the doctor prescribed stuff to drug me in the end so I'd sleep. H is a dream by comparison, my mum always says I can't moan about him as I was so awful. She even said if she'd had me before my brother I would have been an only child....nice huh. I did everything very early though.

yes my mum has said the same about my sister, she didn't sleep for years.

My DP was a non-sleeping nightmare. I was pretty awful. See my mum spent so much time telling me in my teens what hard work I was as a baby (to put me off getting pregnant young) she can't now rescind and go on about how I was sleeping through blah blah. I did have my aunt telling me today how if I cosleep now I'll never get her out, and how my cousin slept horizontally on their pillows until she was 4...

I was apparently a brilliant sleeper and a perfect baby, it's just since then I've been trouble. Mum regularly looks at L screaming herself to sleep and shakes her head and says 'you were never like that' which I take to be mumspeak for 'you're obviously doing it all wrong'. Maybe she's right though and I am doing it all wrong, I'm certainly having a tough time with her sleeping.